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of
toward high-nurturance relationships and families |
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Three Keys to Making
a Family
Mission Statement
That Works
p. 1 of 2
What are you trying to do together?
By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
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http://sfhelp.org/06/mission.htm
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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
family relationships and
preventing divorce. This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the
more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
The overview of Project 6 describes what a
family mission statement is, and proposes why a statement of family purpose is essential.
It
offers steps to make one, gives an example, and answers brief questions
about mission statements.
Family mission statements range from useless (ineffective) to
very useful - i.e. having a significant positive effect on a family's
functioning over time. What makes the difference?
 Effective
Family Mission
Statements
Three keys to making a
vision statement that significantly improves your family's health and
nurturance level are..:
Let's briefly explore each key. As
we do, honestly assess your family adults on them.
This is about learning, not fault-finding...
Your Adults' Wholistic Health,
Values, and Knowledge
Wholistic Health
- Try saying your definition of this term out loud now. Here it means
"the recent spiritual + psychological + physical functioning of
an adult or child." Do you agree that kids and adults (like you)
range from "very (wholistically) unhealthy" to "very healthy"? From one
to 10, how wholistically healthy are you now, by your definition? \Would people
who know you well agree?
My research and clinical experience since 1981 with over 1,000 typical
Mid-western American adults and some of their kids suggests that
perhaps 80% or more of average
Americans are
of low-nurturance childhoods - i.e. of significant childhood
"Significant" is a subjective judgment.
Typical survivors are
unaware of living with (a) two to six psychological
and (b) ignorance of several key
This implies that many average women and men are significantly
unhealthy - and they don't (want to) know that or what it
to them and their descendents.
Could this be true of "80%" of your family's ancestors and current
adults?
Typical survivors ("Grown Wounded Children," or GWCs) usually
focus on immediate comfort and gratification, vs. long-term family
functioning. That often means they have little or no sustained interest
in their family's purpose and long-term "results" ("So what did we all
accomplish over the last 70 years?")
Implication - to
get the most value from a family
all your adults must want to help each other improve their
wholistic health by...
-
admitting, and
any significant "false self" wounds, and...
-
learning and applying
these fundamental concepts,
and teach them to your kids.
My experience as a family-systems and wound-reduction therapist is
that significantly wounded people don't become steadily motivated to do
these vital things until they hit true (vs. pseudo)
- usually in their mid-30s or later.
Bottom line - if most or all your family adults - starting with
you - haven't begun to improve their wholistic health, a family mission
statement may yield no benefits for you all now - i.e. you may make
a vision statement, but never really use it to guide you all in
crises and major changes.
|
Pause, breathe, and reflect - are all your family
adults genuinely concerned now with their wholistic health
and your family's nurturance level?
If not, you may
benefit more from reading
this than finishing this article. For more
perspective, study this slide presentation or this
equivalent
with
your childhood and current family in mind. |
Values and knowledge: If your family adults are wholistically-healthy "enough,"
they'll need some key values to make and use an effective mission
statement. Here, value means a personal preference or belief
about
the usefulness, importance, and/or goodness of something or someone.
For example, which
do you value more - a vacation or healthy teeth? Attending
church or a sports event? Values range from primary (major impact on
daily behavior) to minor (little or no impact on daily behavior).
Typically, we aren't aware of our values until we must make a
significant decision.
If your
family adults
don't genuinely value your family's purpose and
no mission statement
will help you feel proud of your family's achievements in your old age. One
way to identify an adult's or child's primary values is to ask them to
describe their current life priorities.
Can you each name your top five life-priorities now? How
you’ve used your recent waking hours documents what they are.
Option: use this
priority worksheet
with other family members to raise your awarenesses. Are
your priorities compatible enough? If not, how is this affecting your home
and family relationships
and your kids' development and
adjustment? Have you all ever discussed this?
The wholistically-healthy adults I've met since 1981 have
some key values in common. Option - thoughtfully rate each of your
family adults on these values from one to 10, starting with you:
-
Balanced mutual and
and
respect. each adult ranks their own personal needs, health, and worth as being consistently
just
as important as those of other prized adults and kids in their lives.
women and men from
childhoods
often put their own needs and worth last, from long habit - and inevitably grow
dissatisfied and resentful.
People who feel genuine
self-love (vs. egotism) with
little guilt or anxiety have no trouble in composing a
Personal Bill
of Rights or in honoring the
and rights of others, including dishonest, abrasive, aggressive, and
self-centered (i.e. wounded) kids and adults.
-
Vision and planning.
Typical "well-adjusted" (wholistically healthy) people adults genuinely
value their personal life mission and their
family's long-term purpose. So they feel that
making and using clear long-range personal,
marital,
and family goals is vital to their old-age contentment.
maintain a shared clear vision of specifically what kind of
a family (e.g. low or high nurturance) they want to build together over
time. From that, they form and use
a plan to bring their vision to life. Does this sound
like your family's adults?
-
Acceptance of
personal and interpersonal conflict. All families
have significant clashes of
and
("problems")
among their members. This is specially true of average
low-nurturance
and
families.
Healthy family adults
want to develop effective-communication knowledge and
to avoid and resolve "problems" - i.e. they want to help each
other progress on their version of family
together. A family charter that works will probably clearly state the
adults'
attitudes and aims on resolving family-members' personal and mutual
problems (conflicting needs).
What are
your adults' main values
and goals on effective problem-solving? Can you
each name the
seven skills? Are you all motivated to learn and use them
effectively and teach them to any dependents? "No" or "Not yet" may
indicate significant false-self
Three more important values wholistically-health adults live by are...
-
Spiritual faith and
growth - they value increasing their awareness of, and
communion with, a nourishing and inspiring
(vs. a church, scripture, or religion); and they value...
-
Commitment and
focus: healthy men and women are dedicated to making their lives, their relationships, and their
multi-generational family, nurturing
enough.
Wounded survivors of childhood deprivations
who (a) value themselves
or too much,
and/or who (b) have no clear personal
and commitment to their life-purpose, will usually have trouble making
and/or benefiting from (using) effective family vision statements.
And they value...
Reflect on how each of your family adults stands with these
values now. What do you notice?
The Document Itself
To
optimize the clarity, portability, and accuracy of your family
mission statement, it's best to put it on paper. Key factors that
promote the usefulness of your document include:
Brevity: notice that this
is
under one page in length.
Charters that are too long risk being too confining, rigid, and complex.
Clarity and simplicity: To keep the statement short and
simple, every word counts. Though brief, the sample family charter
probably went through many drafts and adjustments before getting it just right.
Flexibility
and balance: Like the U.S. constitution, an effective vision statement guides rather than
dictates or confines. It is general enough to avoid legalistic rigidity, and specific
enough to provide clear direction in most situations.
Relevance: creating a meaningful
family mission
statement requires the co-authors to first get clear on some fundamental
questions:
"What is a
family? What is it that
only families
can do?"
"What is a
"Who, specifically,
(belongs
to) our multi-generational family? - i.e. "Who's covered by our charter?"
"What
are the primary developmental
and special needs
of each member of our evolving family"?
"What is a
family?", and…
"What are the main
long-term purposes of
our unique family -
why do we exist?"
For perspective on
these queries, mull "What's the difference between our family and a baseball team?
A travel agency? A school?
What basic things can only
be
done in and by our family?"
Typical answers mention
(a) patiently preparing all
dependent children to be safe, loving, independent, healthy, productive
young adults; and (b) empowering
each
family members' love, self-respect,
personal growth, security,
support, and
Other family topics like home decorating, nice vacations, car
maintenance, and pet care are minor compared to these, and aren't relevant to your mission
statement.
-
Scope: For best long-term effect,
your charter should apply to all
multi-generational members of your family. This means that
and
need to include each child's two bioparents, any
new partners (stepparents), and all their respective kids and
relatives.
If you include all your kids' living and emotionally-involved grandparents, aunts, uncles,
cousins, in-laws, and any step-relatives, the scope of
your mission statement will probably apply to
living in
many scattered homes.
An interesting way to visually "see"
your whole family is for you all to make a
genogram (family map).
-
Reality: If you are a potential
or committed stepfamily, know that
typical
differ
structurally and
developmentally from average intact
biofamilies in over 60 ways. Members of your stepfamily face dozens
of
adjustment tasks and many extra
developmental phases that
typical biofamily members don't face.
Since 1979, I've learned almost
60 myths that well-meaning,
co-parents
themselves and their kids with, because they
want and expect their stepfamily to feel, act, and "be" a(n intact, traditional) biofamily.
A realistic stepfamily
charter
will describe key goals that bio-charters don't include. For instance:
-
Clear
focus: an effective vision statement for any family will highlight family values and key long-term
goals, rather than related
plans and strategies. Family
may include the
latter.
-
Consistency:
there are no contradictory
values or goals in an
effective mission statement. The stated family goals are compatible with all
adults' personal life-values and goals, and Natural, civil,
and social laws.
-
Format: A vital aspect of your mission-statement document is
its physical and visual form. A ball-point declaration on a grocery bag has much
different inspirational and emotional impacts than framed manuscript-quality calligraphy
on fine paper or parchment. Some appropriate artwork
(like a family crest you all create) can add dignity and importance
to your document.
We've reviewed two of three factors that can significantly enhance the
impact of your family mission statement.
Besides
your family adults' (a) wholistic health,
key values, and knowledge; and (b) the content, nature and appearance
of your document, the third factor is...
Your
Mission Statement
Personal,
partnership, and family mission statements can be paper in a
drawer or file, or truly helpful reference documents, like
framed inspirations, address books, and
dictionaries. What makes the difference is...
the motivation, thought, and co-operation that
went into them, and...
how consistently motivated family leaders and members are to refer
to their vision statements in making and affirming important decisions.
These usually reflect the degree that your
adults are
by their
Every family charter is unique,
tho many share common elements. The "best way" to make and use one depends on
what works for you and your family members. Several basic factors are:
-
Did you draft your statement
before or after a couple's commitment ceremony?
-
How many of your
family adults and kids participated in drafting the statement?
-
Once finished, where do you put your
mission statement/s in your home/s?
-
How often do you refer to them,
and why?
-
Whom do you give copies to, if anyone,
and why?; and ...
-
Do adults rigidly demand compliance with
the mission statement from all family members, or
and encourage same?
Some of these options apply to all families, and additional ones are
specially useful for typical divorcing families and stepfamilies.
All
Families
Draft your own declaration together, rather than adopting someone
else's.
You're far more apt to respect your own heart-values and shared goals than those of
other authors, no matter how venerated or articulate. Even changing, adding, or deleting
several words can make someone else's inspiring words more yours.
Consider incorporating key elements in any marriage or commitment
vows your couples make;
If you invite new people into your homes or families, invite
them to read and discuss your mission statement as a way of getting to know
each other better;
Display your statement prominently
where residents and visitors to
your home will see it when they enter or socialize together. The alternative is probably
"out of sight, out of mind."
Review your charter as a couple and a family regularly,
like at
anniversaries, reunions, celebrations, or January 1. And as you do with legal wills and insurance policies,
authorize your Selves to revise earlier drafts as the environment and you
all age and change.
Read your mission statement out loud when you
encounter serious role and relationship conflicts. This can refresh your focus and grounding in turbulent times. It can also lead to important revisions.
Use your mission statement as
a foundation for...
-
negotiating new family
or amending old ones;
-
guiding the resolution of
major
and dilemmas among two or more family members or other
people; and...
-
negotiating and applying clear family
for each of your adults and kids; and...
-
celebrating your family
strengths, milestones, and achievements along the way!
Continued on p. 2 Do you need a
break before finishing this article?
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Updated
August 04, 2008
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