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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
high-nurturance
family relationships and
preventing
divorce. This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Eacharticle is part of a
mosaic of
ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. Before
continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
need?
+ + +
This
article outlines the sixth of
12 family Projects which
will help adults guard their living and future family members against four
or five widespread
hazards. This Project is for family adults to...
get clear on what they each want to accomplish
with their
lives and their family before they die,
draft personal, partners', and
family mission or vision statements, and...
use their statements to guide their decisions in
important and confusing situations.
Like family
Projects 1-5,
this one is best begun before deciding to exchange commitment vows - specially if minor kids are
affected.
This Project is useful for all families,
and vital for typical
divorcing families and stepfamilies.
The article explores...
what is a mission
statement, and why make one?
a
status check to help you identify your attitude about this project,
typical
steps toward making a family mission statement
for (a) any family and (b) typical divorcing families and stepfamilies,
brief answers to common
questions about this project, and...
this slide presentation
on the [wounds + unawareness] cycle
that is stressing most American families (like yours?) now. If you have trouble
viewing the slides, see this.
this
3-minute thought-provoking video "The
Dash," by Linda Ellis.
What is a Family Mission Statement?
How would you define a mission? A missionary? If you work for
an organization or attend a school, do they have a succinct charter or
mission statement that describe what
they're trying to do (their long-term purpose) and what they stand for (i.e.
key values they hold)? That's what an effective family mission or
vision statement does.
Other examples
include (a) personal mission statements ("This is what I'm trying to
accomplish with my life, and what I stand for"), and (b) marital vows -
declarations of partnership goals and values.. Do you have one or both of
these now? Do you use them to guide you in complex situations?
Why Make Mission Statements?
Families like yours have existed in every age and culture to nurture their
members - i.e. to fill a range of psychological, physical, and spiritual
needs.
Some families are more effective at nurturing than others. My research and clinical experience since 1979 strongly suggest that
average American families are low to
moderate in nurturing effectiveness across their
generational cycle.
That means
average minor kids (a) are not getting
key developmental needs met, and (b)
entering adulthood with
significant
ignorance and psychological
wounds.
Stark evidence of this is
everywhere...
pervasive homelessness and
public aid, addictions,
obesity, abortions, crime, school
dropouts, "mental illness," suicides, and other social blights,
and...
general public
unwillingness to slow
local and global environmental degradation.
If our society actively promoted families' nurturing their adults and kids
effectively long-term, these social stressors would be much less - do
you agree? The underlying problems are that (a) our wounded, ignorant,
distracted society doesn't
understand or value
family nurturance highly, and (b) passively condones unwise child
conceptions and
ineffective parenting.
This is inexorably spreading the toxic [wounds + unawareness] spiral down our
(your) generations.
For family adults (like you) to feel in old age that they've
succeeded
as persons, mates, and family nurturers,
they must want to agree early on what they're trying to
achieve long term. The
popular alternative is living reactively a
week or two at a time with no long-term
goals or plans on how to attain them.
The inevitable result is
realizing in late middle age that your life and/or family has not gone in the "direction" or produced the "results" that
your young adults and their kids longed for. Restated
- our cultural norm is to steadily focus on short-term
gratification, experience major regrets and problems in old age,
and passively encourage this unspoken attitude in the next generation.
Not living consistently from thoughtful personal and
family mission statements is roughly like gathering your kids and relatives
on a houseboat and departing on a world cruise without...
the adults planning a sequence of destinations,
and...
not
agreeing on what each crew member is supposed to do in normal and
special circumstances, and...
sailing away without...
accurate knowledge of
what provisions you'll need and how to navigate inevitable "stormy
weather," and...
accurate charts and effective navigation tools to guide you
safely to your destinations along the way.
Does this describe the families you care about
now?
Status Check
Pause, breathe, and note your mental and emotional
reaction
to what you just read. Thoughtfully picture all the people you call "my
family" in a group now, looking at you. Imagine one of them asking...
"Do you want us to make and use (a) personal and (b) family mission
statements?"
Before answering, consider
this
example
and imagine your family making and using one like it to help you all make
difficult and important decisions together. Then...
Reflect, and try saying your honest answer to the question out loud now, If
it is "No," "Not now," or "I don't care," then quit reading this article and
continue living as you always have. Options -
• wonder what you'll
feel in old age about your answer,
•
rank the nurturance level of your
family (low > moderate high), and...
If your answer is something like "I
don't know," or "I'm not sure (ambivalent)," then...
• invest
time and energy reading and discussing the rest of this article and this
related article, and then...
•
reconsider the question above to see if anything's changed.
If you still
feel ambivalent, your ruling subselves are
conflicted
and your true Self is probably
disabled. See
these slides or this equivalent article
for perspective and options.
Project 6 Steps and Options
The best time to draft partnership and family mission statements
is during courtship, as you progress on
four or five
other
vital Projects. If you're already committed, give priority to these
six long-term Projects and
four or five
more.
What follows is a summary of useful
Project-6 steps for (a) all families and for (b) typical courting or committed
stepfamilies.
Steps for All
Couples and Families
1) Family leaders help other
members to (a) get clear on your family's
developmental stages over one
generation, and to (b) maintain a long-range outlook. "Long range" means the
several decades it will take to complete your generational cycle. The
common societal alternative is adults focusing on resolving short-range problems
(unmet needs) and letting "the future take care of itself";
2) Family adults discuss and agree on (a) why families exist,
and (b) what it takes to be a
high-nurturance
(healthy, functional) family, over time;
3) Mates and other family adults learn about the [wounds + unawareness]
cycle,
and the these related four or five
family hazards. Discuss honestly if and how
the cycle and hazards has affected your family.
4) Evaluate (a) whether
some or all your present family adults are
Grown Wounded Children
(GWCs), and (b) if so, what that has
meant to you all.
5) Each wounded adult commit to progressing at
Project 1
over time - i.e. commit to:...
having their true Selves
guide their other
subselves in all situations, and
reducing any significant false self
wounds; and as you do...
clarify and affirm your
personal mission on
earth, and patiently enjoy overcoming obstacles as you pursue it (self
actualize) within your limits. As you each do this...
7) Clarify
and discuss your family's impact on the local and global environment, and
your responsibility as members of our "global village." Then discuss
whether it's appropriate to include that responsibility in your family
mission statement.
8) Agree on
(a) what an effective
vision or
mission statement is,
(b) define what you each and all want to feel about your family
accomplishments when you're old, and (c) evolve a mission statement
that fits you as a unique multi-generational family. Then...
9) Use your statement as teammates
to guide you all in...
negotiating effective "job (role) descriptions" for
each of your family members, and...
navigating stressful situations and
important family changes and other major decisions. Finally...
10) Periodically (a) discuss - e.g. at Thanksgiving gatherings -
whether your mission statement is working (providing helpful guidance and
inspiration)
well enough, and (b) amend it as needed as your family matures and the
environment changes across your years.
Do these steps seem useful and practical? can you imagine your family adults
learning, tailoring, and acting on them together? When any family kids are
middle-aged, what would your elders like to hear from them about your stance on these
steps when the kids were young?
Typical divorcing families and stepfamilies are
like
intact biofamilies in some ways, and
different in many other
ways at the same time. These differences merit extra steps in devising and
using an effective family mission statement.
In addition to the six steps above,
do an appropriate version of these:
intentionally identify and
convert any stepfamily myths among your
family members into realistic expectations
over time - i.e. have your adults include
Projects 3
and
4
among your version of these
seven
vital concurrent courtship Projects.
12) Study the several sets of concurrent
family-adjustment needs typical stepkids
need empathic caregiver help with to become healthy young adults. Then
assess the status of each young person in
your stepfamily with these special needs, and decide what actions to take;
13) Have your family adults...
study and discuss these common
barriers to effective caregiver
teamwork,
assess which of them apply to your situation, and...
negotiate who among your adults is responsible to reduce these barriers,
and...
commit to helping each
other do so, over time.
In other words, learn the goals and steps to do
Project 10
together, and
apply them to your unique multi-generational stepfamily;
14) Discuss these
problems
typical stepfamily members encounter as they
merge
and stabilize their several biofamilies - i.e. as they progress on
Project 9
together over four or more years after commitment vows and/or cohabiting.
15) With your version of all these factors in mind, discuss
these extra developmental phases that
your stepfamily must master across your years, compared to average intact
biofamilies.
Now do
step 8 above - discuss and draft, use, evaluate, and
periodically update your stepfamily mission
statement.
+ + +
Do these Project-6 steps seem useful and practical? can you imagine
your family adults learning, tailoring, and acting on them together? When
any family kids are middle-aged, what would you elders like to hear
from them about your stance on these steps when the kids were young?
These family
hazards and protective Projects,
including making and using personal and family mission statements, may be
alien to your adults and kids. You and/or they may have questions about them
like these...
Q & A about Family Mission Statements
I don't know anyone
who has composed and used a family mission statement. Is this really
necessary?
Reread this perspective on the
U.S. divorce epidemic, and wonder how many
of the affected adults knew what you're reading in this nonprofit Web site.
Then review this summary of the [wounds + ignorance]
cycle that silently threatens your family and descendents, and our society.
Finally, reread this rationale, and ask yourself how
many typical families it applies to.
Most families in our culture don't know
what you're learning here. They're not aware of the benefits of
a family mission statement or how to make and use one. Our media and
family laws encourage this unawareness, and our society has many
problems which are promoted by family dysfunction.
So
my bias is yes,
this Project and the other related
four to six Projects are
essential for
your kids' welfare, your family's long-term success, our society, and
helping to protect the environment for coming generations!
This Project feels too
formaland structured. I / we just
aren't this formal
in our family. What can we do?
Your first option is to do nothing, and see what happens to you and your
family members over the coming decades. Your second option is to empathically evaluate which family adults and/or
ancestors are decreeing "We just aren't this formal in our family."
Note
that the
implicit meaning of this is "We've not encountered a safe, credible reason
to change this family rule yet." Note also the steps described above aim to
provide framework you can adapt to fit your unique family and situation, not
a rigid cookbook.
Third,
affirm
your shared uniquenesses and your right to be
you. Then
confront your adults' indisputable responsibility for the long-term
outcome and impacts
and of your family's values, and actions - starting with the welfare and
productivity of each living and unborn child.
If your adults accept their responsibility
to each other, your descendents, society, and the environment, I'd bet they
can find a workable compromise between "too structured for us," and
"structured enough." What do you think?
I see the value in doing this and the other
Projects, but my
partner isn't really enthused, doesn't follow through, or is clearly
resistant. What do I do?
I suggest that you...
make your own decisions about this Project
and the others, and act on them to preserve your
integrity and your descendents' welfare;
assess your partner and other family
adults) for significant false-self
wounds and
unfinished grief. If you find signs of either stressor, you all have bigger problems than
resistance to making a family mission statement. See
this and
this for options.
And...
for "extra credit," consider these
many choices about breaking the
[wounds + unawareness] cycle in your home, community, region, or society.
My partner and I didn't do
this Project before exchanging vows. Is it too late?
Keep the main goal in mind - evolving and maintaining a high-nurturance
family for you all and your descendents. Living from a well-debated mission
statement is just one aspect of this larger long-term goal.
The reason for doing Projects 1-6 before making courtship commitment pledges
is to have the best chance for making three long-term commitment choices.
The reality is that you can decide to make and use a family mission
statement at any time!
Example
Before looking
at factors that determine how well a family mission statement works, study the
sample (bio)family charter below. It's from the "Personal Leadership Application
Workbook" for Stephen Covey’s excellent paperback "The Seven Habits of
Highly Effective People":
"The mission of our family is ...
to create a
nurturing place of order, truth,
love, happiness, and relaxation; and...
to provide opportunities for each person
to become responsibly independent, and effectively interdependent, ...
in order to achieve worthwhile purposes.
Our Family Mission
To love each other...
To help each other...
To believe in each other ...
To wisely use our time, talents, and resources to bless others ...
To worship together ...
Forever."
This
brief charter says a lot.
It states unmistakably what the leaders of this family want to do.
What
would it feel like to live in a family who's leaders really followed these ideas?
Would a charter like this work as well for a
divorcing family or a
stepfamily as an
intact biofamily? Where did the
co-authors of this declaration start? I suspect they began with...
A shared high-priority need or dream to
intentionally fashion a "good life" for themselves and their children. I further
suspect they...
felt responsible for making this dream happen,
rather than assuming that it would occur "somehow." Finally, the
authors seem to have...
spent a lot of time thinking and talking about
specifically what comprises the "good life" they wanted to co-create over time.
Do you agree? Can
you imagine what your family adults' version of this would look and feel like?
I suspect you and any mate and
relatives have an unspoken (semi-conscious)policy already...
Notice your feelings and
"inner voices" now.
Are your governing
personality subselves curious, interested, and energized
about making a vision statement, or are
they feeling skeptical, resistant, or indifferent? The latter may indicate you're
dominated by a well-meaning
false self.
Notice how you feel now. Pause and reflect on what you just read, and what it means
in your lives - short and long range. Then back away from this mission-statement
Project, and regain your wide-angle vision by reviewing the
summary of all
12 Projects.
The unique, practical guidebook for this Project and
six others
isStepfamily Courtship (Xlibris.com,
2002).
Five of these Projects apply to any couple and their family, so all
adults and family supporters can benefit from investing in the book's
information - before or after commitment ceremonies. This and these
companion guidebooks integrate and
cross-reference the key resources in this divorce-prevention Web site.
Recap
This article summarizes family Project 6 - evolve, use, and maintain a
family mission or vision statement to guide you all through complex and
confusing times and decisions as your family matures. The article offers
reasons for doing this (benefits), ideally starting in courtship. It offers
a status check to help readers decide whether they're motivated to commit to
making and using a mission statement.
Then article proposes specific steps for making an effective statement for
all families, and several extra steps for typical courting and committed
stepfamilies. It adds brief answers to typical questions about this Project,
includes a sample mission statement provided by Stephen Covey, and comments
on it.
If
your adults are clear on why evolve and use a mission statement and
how to do so, then
The Web
address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/06/project06.htm
What is a Family Mission Statement?
Project 6 Steps and Options
If
your adults are clear on why evolve and use a mission statement and
how to do so, then