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This article introduces a free
re/marriage
-preparation class for courting couples.
The "/" in re/marriage notes that it may be one partner's first union.
The class aims to reduce the
significant U.S. odds of legal or psychological re/divorce.
It is designed for groups, and can be used by individual
couples. Individuals or couples can also learn most of the key ideas from this series of Web
slide presentations. The
bracketed [ ] numbers are corresponding co-parent
This course is based on co-parent
in this
non-profit site,
and my experience from presenting a version of the course to over 40
groups of typical courting couples.
This introduction describes:
The course materials include...
-
a leader's guide,
-
suggested content outlines and
presentation guidelines for eight tailorable modules,
-
layouts for flipcharts or overhead
transparencies for each module, and...
-
useful handouts for each module.
Related Web pages...
-
outline
all eight modules;
-
summarize each module's
goals, and explain how to get these materials; and...
-
compare this course
to four other courses for re/married co-parents.
Why This Course Exists
Though unsupported by Census data, recent stepfamily literature often guesstimates that
over half of
typical U.S. re/marriages fail psychologically or legally. Despite
love, hope, commitment, and determina-tion,
millions of
American couples choose the wrong
to re/wed, for the wrong
at the wrong
This is despite
one or both partners having been married before, and being "older and
wiser." Roughly 70% of these couples have one or more his, hers, and
"ours" children.
Most
love-dazed courting partners know
little of (a) what's normal in a typical stepfamily, and (b) what it
to be in a
stepfamily - and they often don't want to know. Friends, relatives,
and the
clergyperson who sanctifies their union often are unaware of stepfamily
realities,
adjustment tasks, and
five common
The
tragic long-term effect of two (or more)
legal or psychological
on
co-parents and their kids is beyond meaningful estimation. Our millions of
American re/divorced adults and their kids presently form
an invisible, voiceless subculture.
This course aims to help
courting couples want
to...
-
make wise,
commitment decisions,
-
prior
psychological
-
co-create a
stepfamily, and...
-
avoid
to their descendents.
This course can also be very useful
for re/married (committed) co-parents.
Three of the eight modules apply to
any
couple.
By the end of
this course, couples will understand five relationship hazards they face, and how to assess their risk of them. They'll also know
they can
work on together over some months to offset their hazards, and prepare them to make
three right re/marital choices
for themselves and their descendents.
Who Are These Modules
For?
This
class is ideal for churches, family-life educators, and
single-parent groups seeking to
help courting couples evaluate stepfamily re/marriage realities and options.
With some tailoring, individual couples can use the course alone. These modules
can also be used to educate high-school students, and apprentice and
practicing counselors, therapists, life coaches, social workers, clergy,
teachers, medical and legal professionals, mediators, and other human-service professionals.
Module indicates that with tailoring, most sessions can stand
alone. The modules are designed to allow lots of flexibility in
choosing which sessions to present, in what order, and what to include in
each one. Core modules 1, 2, 4, and 7 can be presented in one four-hour
(half-day) session, or up to eight modules can be presented in a series of interactive
sessions.
Facilitators for these modules need no special
training or experience, other than focused study of appropriate Web
articles in this Web site or three related
guidebooks.
Leader-preparation steps are included in the Leader's guide and in each
module guide. Re/marriage, parenting, divorce, and stepfamily-life
experience are recommended but not essential.
What Do the Modules Cover?
The topics are:
-
Introductions and course overview and
goals;
-
Six widespread psychological wounds and how to spot and reduce them;
-
An introduction to effective thinking,
communication, and problem-solving;
-
An overview of bonding, losses, and
healthy three-level grief;
-
An introduction to stepfamily facts,
realities, common problems, and merger tasks;
-
An overview of stepfamily mission
statements, stepkids' needs, and adult "job descriptions";
-
A recap of modules 1-5 and Projects 1-7,
and a discussion of six questions courting couples need to research
before deciding whether to commit or not;
-
A three-hour five-part new-stepfamily
role-play for 12 or more people.
Brief detail on each module:
Module
1) Introductions and overviews: introduce the leader/s, the participants, and the
seminar's goals and
agenda. Then overview
for epidemic U.S. re/divorce, and
12 family
to
prevent or overcome them.
Module
2) An overview of
(a)
common to most
family and
co-parents, and
(b) personal
from them
This keystone concept will be alien and probably controversial to most
people, including many clinicians and family-life professionals trained before
~1995. If you're skeptical or
curious about
dominance," please
(a) try this safe experience, and
(b) choose an open
mind and read this letter.
If you're
still skeptical, I encourage you to make
effective re/marriage
preparation your main focus, not whether false-self wounding
is credible or not. Please evaluate each class module on
its own merits. If you facilitate this course and choose to omit
or minimize module 2, you...
deprive couples of the chance to make up their own minds about
and its toxic
and...
you can still be a great help by
motivating couples to learn about
re/marital
and
12 co-parent safeguards, effective-
freeing blocked
stepfamily
realities and
and the
key re/marriage-evaluation
in module 7.
Options...
-
Recall why you began reading about this course, and
your needs now;
-
Ignore this course and continue what you're doing;
or...
-
Review (a) this
summary of common stepfamily
problems, and (b) this vignette about a
real stepfamily;
-
Keep evaluating the modules of the
course, including
downloading and reading the
Leader's Guide for more perspective;
-
Ask someone else's opinion about this
course's possible credibility and usefulness;
-
Explore co-parent
and/or
this inner-family
introduction for more perspective;
-
Use this
worksheet
to evaluate yourself or another for common behavioral traits of
false-self dominance, and see what happens; and/or...
-
now,
and/or discuss with a trusted person, what you're
thinking and feeling about these topics and their implications; and/or...
-
Send me a
question or opinion
on our common interest - (re)marriage preparation and (step)family health.
Whatever you choose, I
suspect your intent is to serve people, couples, or families. All my subselves cheer you on!
For an integration of all
40+
Web pages in this site devoted to assessing for inner wounds and
reducing them, see my Project-1 guidebook "Who's
Really Running Your Life? -
free your Self
from custody, and guard your kids" (Xlibris.com, Philadelphia, PA; 2nd
ed., 2002)
Module
3) An introduction to effective-communication
basics and seven
(co-parent
Typical
families
and stepfamilies are riddled with six types of conflicts for
many years - can you
name them?
Combined with inner wounds + blocked
grief + many merger-adjustment tasks,
and inter-personal conflicts can
overwhelm adults and kids and wreck re/marriages if adults lack these seven
skills. For an overview of Project 2, see this
slide presentation and return. If you have trouble viewing the
slides, see
Module
4) An overview of healthy
and suggestions on
spotting and freeing blocked grief
Everyone in a stepfamily has several sets of major
(broken bonds) to mourn.
False-self wounds (Module 2) and good-grief ignorance can
slow or block grief, which stresses
everyone and hinders stepfamily bonding and unity.
For an overview, study this
slide presentation.
Module
5) An introduction to (a) stepfamily
and
conflicts,
(b)
myths and realities, and
(c) concurrent new-stepfamily
tasks
(Projects
and
Co-parents
who are unaware of, denying, or ambivalent about being a
stepfamily risk using unrealistic (intact biofamily) expectations to make
family-life decisions. This is like expecting a poodle to behave like an
elephant because they're both four-legged mammals.
Module
6)
An overview of stepfamily
and
co-parent
Because of stepfamily complexity and unawareness, these
can be more useful than in traditional intact biofamilies.
Module
7) A recap of Modules 2-5 and the five re/divorce hazards, and a
discussion of
that each courting
partner needs to mull and answer honestly before deciding to exchange
vows. This module includes a
checklist of
and a summary
questionnaire to
help courting co-parents avoid choosing the wrong
to commit
to (plural), for the wrong
at the wrong
This module reframes the main points in all seven modules into
three keys for couples' long-term re/marital and co-parental success:
learning,
assessing, and acting.
For an overview, see this slide
presentation.
Module
8)
A role-play for 12 or more people to help them
experience
some of the transition confusions between an intact biofamily and a new two-home
nuclear stepfamily. The
semi-structured role-play has five parts, and lasts three hours or more. One or
two leaders prepare the players, form them into four-person
"families," and directs them through three phases. The last part
of the role-play is a
large-group debriefing, to share and hilight specific learnings. This role-play can
work with
all adults, adults and teens, or all teens. It's also useful for groups of
human-service students and professionals.
Course
introduction concludes
on page 2.
course outline /
download
links /
course
comparison
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