Project 7 of 12 for long-term marital and co-parenting success
	Courtship Safety Check Are you committing to the right people,  for the right reasons, at the right time? By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW Member, NSRC Expert Council

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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/07/courtship-qs.htm

        This safety check is for courting couples with one or more kids from prior unions. If you and your partner have no such kids, use this safety check.

        Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational pop-up, so please turn off your browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.

        This is one of over 150 articles focused on building high-nurturance family relationships and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.

        These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the three or more related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily. 

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

 Perspective

        Sociologists estimate that over half of typical American stepfamily couples eventually re/divorce legally. Uncounted more millions choose to endure the daily misery of psychological divorce. I've researched "Why?" since 1979, and conclude there are five combined reasons. 

        One is unawareness. Typical lovestruck, needy couples don't know what they don't know about relationships, communication, and grieving basics, and complex stepfamily dynamics and stressors.  Another reason is the inevitable idealism and unrealistic expectations that courtship usually generates.

This Project-7 questionnaire aims to increase courting couples' awareness and knowledge, to help raise their odds of choosing the right persons to commit to, at the right time, for the right reasons. This questionnaire complements these 16 stepfamily-courtship danger signals, and is a short version of these detailed wise-choice worksheets. Use this article to help decide whether to invest time and energy doing the detailed worksheets together.

        The questionnaire hilights key issues that stress typical stepfamily adults and their kids, and may eventually promote psychological or legal re/divorce. "Fudging" your answers here is not in your or your descendents' long-term interest! Don't check an item as true __ unless you can check each _  part of an item. Use "?" if you're, unsure or need to qualify your answer. Unchecked items are chances to grow!

 Directions / Options

• For deeper perspective, study the linked articles above, and these slide presentations on...

  • this introduction to normal personality subselves (or this text article),

  • the pervasive [wounds + ignorance] cycle (or this summary),

  • stepfamily basics, (or this text article)

  • making three wise commitment (re/marriage) decisions (or this article), and

  • effective stepparenting (or this article). With these in mind, then read...

  • this two-page sketch of a typical real stepfamily...

  before using this checklist.

• Print this checklist and look it over. Use hilights, asterisks, and notes to emphasize key items and add to your learnings. Circle any links you want to follow after you finish.

• Choose a quiet, undistracted place, and allocate at least 30"-45" to fill this out.

• Use these traits to sense who is about to fill out this questionnaire. If it's not your true Self (capital "S"), expect that other well-meaning subselves may skew your responses.

• Notice your thoughts and feelings as you proceed, and be comfortably aware of your breathing. Your emotions are reliable guides to your current primary needs.

• Notice how you feel about sharing the completed questionnaire with your partner or other key people. Strong caution or ambivalence suggests a protective false self is probably in charge...

• Option: ask your partner to fill this out separately (not shoulder to shoulder), and compare results.

• Before or after, review these courtship questions and answers together.

• After you're done, scan the introduction to this free re/marriage-prep course for courting co-parents, and discuss whether you should download and try it with your partner.

+ + +

  A) Is My Partner the Right Person to Re/marry?

        Option: answer each of these questions for your partner and yourself.

you / me

__  __  1) S/He _ can clearly describe what false-self wounds are, and _  their key symptoms. S/He has _ used the 12 Project1 worksheets to thoroughly evaluate whether s/he comes from a significantly low-nurturance childhood (home + schooling + church). 

        If s/he has many of the symptoms, _ s/he's now working a Self-motivated recovery program that _ I trust is effective enough; or if s/he's not recovering yet, _ s/he's willing to talk with me honestly about what false-self wounds mean to us.

__  __  2) S/He genuinely accepts that _ we’re forming or joining a stepfamily (vs. “just a family”), and that _ each of our co-parenting ex mates is now, and will remain, a co-equal member of our multi-home stepfamily (ref. Projects 3 and 4).

        S/He's _ studied the five re/divorce hazards and _ 12 co-parent Projects,  _ accepts they pertain to us, and _ wants to work on these Projects with me, without ambivalence. S/He _ did well on this general life-skill quiz.

__  __  3) S/He is self-motivated to learn the ~ 60 major differences between typical stepfamilies and biofamilies, and has begun doing so.

__  __  4) S/He can clearly define _ the three levels healthy grieving, _ the main phases of each level, and _ what some key signs of blocked grief are. _ I've evaluated thoroughly, and concluded that s/he has no big symptoms of incomplete or blocked grief - or if s/he does, I believe _ s/he's working actively and effectively now to resume healthy morning. S/He scores well on this good-grief-quiz. (Ref. Project 5).

__  __  5)  S/He wants to put our relationship ahead of her or his minor or grown child/ren, work, bio-relatives, and any other activity, idea, or relationship, enough of the time. If so, _ I solidly trust this won’t change. (ref. Projects 9 and 10)

__  __  6) S/He is not addicted to a substance, activity, or person, including me (codependence);  or if s/he is or was, _ s/he's solidly in a Self-motivated recovery program that seems effective enough to me; (Note - addiction is usually a major symptom of false-self dominance. Addiction "recovery" (management) makes true recovery from false-self dominance possible, but does not include it.) 

__  __  7) S/He is someone I want to live with, and could live well enough without if I had to.

__  __  8) S/He has had enough contact with each of my kids (if any) to form enough _ knowledge of, _ interest in, and _ respect (vs. love) for them. _ I feel comfortable enough with each of their relationships, so far.

__  __  9) S/He can now clearly describe what s/he and I each expect of her or him in the role of "stepparent" with each of my minor or grown kids. _ I believe s/he is genuinely interested in assuming this role, and _ I respect his/her co-parenting values and style enough, so far.

__  __  10) S/He consistently supports (vs. ignores or stresses) me in my co-parenting contacts with my ex mate (if any).

__  __  11) S/He _ listens well enough to my needs and feelings, and _ usually tries to meet both of our  current primary needs equally, vs. often putting her/his needs first (self-absorption) or last (self neglect). 

__  __  12) S/He can clearly describe _ values conflicts, _ stepfamily loyalty conflicts,  _  and associated relationship triangles; _  why they're re/maritally dangerous, and _ what to do about them with me and the other people involved.

__  __  13) S/He can _ clearly describe each of the seven communication skills, and _ is working steadily to become more adept at them with me and others. We _ consistently problem-solve our differences well enough now, vs. fighting, withdrawing, minimizing, or avoiding. S/He _ scores well on this communication quiz. (Ref. Project 2)

Note that in stepfamily re/marriages each partner also commits to ongoing relationships with their mate's ex spouse/s (if any), minor and grown children (if any), and all these kids' genetic and legal relatives. These links lead to Project 7 questionnaires that offer a way to test whether it's right for you to commit to each stepchild and their other bioparent.

        You just evaluated 13 key traits that indicate whether you're choosing the right courtship partner to commit to. Pause, breathe, and reflect - what are you thinking and feeling now? What did you just learn?

        Recall the main premise here: successful long-term stepfamily partnerships depend on each mate choosing the right people (mate + stepkids and ex mate/s (if any) + inlaws) to commit to, at the right time, for the right reasons. When you feel ready, explore the second of these factors now...
 

B) Is This The Right Time for Me to Commit to a Stepfamily?

__  14)  At least 24 months have passed since my and/or my partner’s mate-death or legal divorce;

__  15)  My and/or my partner's ex mates are well-enough along in grieving the losses of past unions and families. (How do you know?)

__  16)  My partner's family and/or mine has progressed well enough on recovering from any prior divorces.

__  17)  All our stepparents, stepkids, and ex mates have had at least 24 months, and many chances, to meet and start to get to know each other.

__  18)  My partner and I have had enough time to thoroughly discuss and agree on...

_ whether _ one of us should adopt their stepchild(ren), and/or _ we should conceive an "ours" child together; and _ what either of those would mean to each member of our multi-home stepfamily.

_ our respective current and future financial obligations for each child - e.g. insurance, living expenses, medical emergencies, education, and estate plans (wills).

_ how we’ll usually resolve major conflicts over stepfamily identity, membership, parenting values and loyalties, and relationship triangles;

_ the specific major tasks before us (as shaped by our shared stepfamily "mission statement"), and our main personal and shared priorities.

__  19)  We’ve _ had enough time to encounter major values and concrete conflicts, and to _ test whether our styles of asserting, listening, and problem-solving work well-enough for us; and _ we've honestly studied these common communication blocks and _ are working together to improve those we have. (ref. Project 2)

__  20)  Child custody, financial child support, and child visitations between our co-parenting homes, if any, are - and should remain - stable enough for my partner and me. Note - this stability often changes - at least temporarily - after re/wedding and co-habiting.

__  21)  We have a solid-enough spiritual and social support network in place (veteran steppeople and/or a well-led co-parent support group is a bonus!). (ref. Project 11)

__  22)  If any of our three or more co-parents has major financial debts, they have both the means and the will to pay them off soon enough for me.

__  23)  My mate and I have had enough time to learn clearly (a) why most re/marriers like us divorce, _ which of the ~ 60 common stepfamily myths apply to us, how these basics affect us each and all, and (b) what we should do to succeed long-term at merging our several biofamilies into a multi-home stepfamily;

__  24)  Each of our minor and grown kids has had enough time to _ adjust to the reality that we are (or will be) a stepfamily, _ spend time with each other to start forming a relationship, and _ each seems to be grieving their past and new losses well enough (how can you tell?); and ...

__  25)  All our co-parents (including ex mates), relatives, and kids are clear enough on what first and last names and family role-titles (stepdad, stepdaughter, step-uncle, ...) we all will use;

__  26)  If any of our co-parents has been, or is now, in a child-related court fight, _ the (legal) end is clearly in sight, and/or _ I believe the odds are low of similar fights happening in the future. (why?) 

+ + +

        You just evaluated key factors that determine of you're committing to a stepfamily at the right time. The four-page Project 7 Right-time questionnaire has many other factors to consider. Take a stretch/refreshment break if you need one, and then explore a sample of the last "wise-commitment-choice" factors...
 

  C) Are We Committing for the Right Reasons?

__  26)  We have _ each thoughtfully filled out the right-reasons questionnaire and _ discussed the outcome honestly with each other.

__  27)  We each _ know the difference between surface needs and primary needs, and _ have studied this summary of the typical needs people like us try to fill by re/marrying. We _ have each decided which of those needs are key to ourselves and each other, and _ we have discussed this with each other thoroughly and honestly.

__  28)  We each have _ honestly reviewed the traits of codependence (relationship addiction), and each of us feels sure that _ the traits don't apply to either of us; or if they do, _ we're solidly working together in a joint recovery plan to reduce that symptom of false-self dominance over time. (Ref.