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Break the [wounds +
unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents |
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16 Courtship Danger Signs
Heed these to make three wise choices
By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member,
NSRC Expert Council |
 The Web
address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/07/danger.htm
This article
is for courting co-parents with one or more
kids from prior unions. If you and
your beloved have no prior kids, go here.
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so
please turn off your browser's popup
blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
family relationships and
preventing divorce. This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the
more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
 Background
This non-profit Web site is
dedicated to
preventing epidemic U.S.
trauma. The number of links in this article suggests how much there
is to know before making any stepfamily-courtship commitment
decisions.
Millions of typical U.S. stepfamily
couples re/divorce psychologically or legally despite their original
love and commitment vows.
here is about lowering your odds of major stepfamily stress and divorce by
choosing the right
to commit to, for the right
at the right
Take several weeks to read, reflect, discuss, and apply the ideas here and
in the linked articles.
In
this divorce-prevention Web site,
(of
12) prepare couples to make three wise courtship choices.
offers a series of
detailed worksheets to help do this.
This article summarizes 16
common courtship danger signs that one or both love-dazed partners
may be setting themselves and any dependents up for major family stress and
eventual divorce.
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From 27 years as a
stepfamily therapist, I estimate that
at least 80% of typical
adults and stepfamily co-parents bear two to six significant psychological
from a
childhood. One wound is significant
- unconsciously denying, minimizing, idealizing, repressing, projecting,
and exaggerating uncomfortable realities.
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If you're often
controlled by a
(i. e. wounded), (a) you
probably won’t know it, and (b) you're at major risk of misjudging or
discounting these courtship danger signs and what they mean. So before
using this checklist, study...
If you find "too many" signs of false-self wounds, have an objective person
who knows you well reality-check your answers below for possible
distortions. The young people in your life and any future descendents
depend on you partners being honest with yourselves here.
Relax, breathe well, and
your thoughts and feelings now. Do you have
that your Self (capital "S") is leading the other
now? If not,
well-meaning subselves may skew your responses below.
Choose an undistracted place and time and an open mind to get the most from
these two pages.
Courtship Danger Signs
The more of these 16 things that seem true about you and/or your partner,
the more likely you are to make up to three unwise stepfamily-commitment
choices. Take at least 30" of undistracted time to consider these items. As
you do, notice your emotions - they're reliable pointers to what you
1) You and/or your partner (a) not honestly
for false-self
or (b)
your findings. There are at least six significant
of denied false-self wounds that apply to you two and any dependent (and
future) kids.
2)
Persistent thoughts like "Don’t
commit to / these people / now!" If you often have thoughts like
these and/or persistent relationship doubts or worries when you let
your mind get quiet, something is wrong.
If
you ignore such thoughts or avoid quiet meditations, you risk months or
years of significant future personal and stepfamily
Option:
get quiet and invite
your inner voice to tell you specifically why it’s warning you. Try
about these
without editing for logic or "common sense."
Pay attention to your hunches,
intuitions, "senses" and
inner voices - your
subselves are trying to tell you something!
3) Feeling
urgency or desperation to re/marry and/or
cohabit, or obsessing about them.
A related warning symptom is believing "I can’t live or be happy without
you!" Such intense feelings (and needs) are a brilliant
red light. They may be symptoms of
and related
- relationship
Danger 4) Seriously
discussing re/wedding within (roughly) 18 months since you met
or since any marital separation. Stop
and explore - perhaps with
professional help - which of your subselves is giving you this urgency.
Expect to find needy
and their dedicated
subselves. For more perspective and long-term safety, do at least
this right-reasons
worksheet!
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5)
If you or your
partner say or think "My child/ren come first with me,"
STOP all re/marriage
discussions! The biggest
reason for our tragic U.S. re/divorce
epidemic is bitter, disillusioned stepparents saying "I got too
tired of coming in second (or fifth) with my mate and feeling this won't
change." |
If you doubt that (a) re/married bioparents must
often choose between their new mate and their biokids (or ex mate, or
relatives), and that (b)
and relationship
aren't very
frequent and divisive in normal
reality-check these ideas with several
co-parents who have been re/married at least five years.
6)
Partners' reluctance to read, discuss, and use the
wise-decision worksheets
and/or to study and discuss these key
topics. A related danger sign is rejecting or minimizing your
stepfamily
and discounting or ignoring what it
If either of you repeatedly avoids reading and discussing these articles
and doing the three wise-choice worksheets, your relationship is probably
based more on false-self
and
than love. Listen respectfully to your inner voices.
Something’s not right…
More common warning signs of unwise stepfamily-courtship commitment
decisions...
Danger 7)
Ongoing ex-mate
hostility and/or conflicts with them over
divorce settlements,
child visitations,
custody, and/or
financial support. If a stepchild's other
bioparent is often angry, combative, uncooperative, dishonest,
disrespectful, explosive, or secretive, s/he's probably ruled by a false
self
not bad) and perhaps
unable to
major
My experience since 1981 suggests that...
-
verbal and
legal threats,
-
attempts to confront, manipulate, and
persuade, and/or ...
-
financial or child-related punishments...
usually amplify ex-mate
Do not expect that if you or they re/marry, the "other parent"
will relent!
Often, ceaseless hostility (or
"indifference") masks unhealed
from a
childhood. Where so, you can do
about motivating an ex mate to acknowledge and heal their wounds and grieve
their losses. If either of you partners has such a troubled ex mate,
read and discuss this
example and this
article for perspective and options.
8)
Ongoing or sporadic
legal action between divorcing ex mates.
If you and/or your partner is or has been involved in one or more
court actions over assets and/or co-parenting with your ex spouse or a
relative, RED light!
To oversimplify, legal threats or battles probably mean one or both ex
mates...
survived a
childhood and has major false-self wounds; and...
haven't really
and accepted their childhood and prior-family
and they...
don't know how to communicate
and...
haven't
forgiven themselves or their ex for
"what happened" (or didn’t) between them, and/or the ex mate/s...
may be acting out old childhood
hurt and
that has little to do with their
Ongoing legal conflicts between
divorcing bioparents usually means any minor or grown biokids are
trapped in divisive
and
Such kids are usually
wounded and stressed, and may be "acting out" in anxious, angry protest.
Get
on this one. If you don’t, your future together will be significantly
shaped by ongoing anxiety that "the ex" will call the cops and/or
lawyers again - or cause you to.
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An implacable truth:
your children's living or dead
"other parent/s" will be full
of your
until they or your children die. Accept the truth of stepfamily
author Joy Connolly's book: "I Married a Family."
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More common
courtship danger signs...
9)
Expecting that your partner, a child, or an ex mate or relative will
change significantly-unpleasant traits "somehow" after you re/marry
and/or cohabit.
They probably won’t, no matter how loving, patient, pious, and
reasonable you are. If they’re not going to change, do you still want you
and any dependent kids to commit "’til death us do part"?
Danger 10)
Many
recent major life
changes or traumas in a short time (e.g.
4-6 months) for you, your partner, and/or one or more of your
minor kids. Examples: firings or new jobs; changing homes, schools, or
churches; separations and/or
sudden financial losses or gains; deaths or major health impairments;
pregnancies and births; graduations or flunk-outs; legal suits or judgments;
natural disasters; bankruptcy; home break-ins or muggings; rape or murder;
sudden family membership-shifts; …
Events like these may cause disorienting losses (broken
emotional/spiritual bonds) which require time, support, and solitude to
well. When many losses occur in a short time, their immediate and secondary
impacts can distort adults’ and kids’ thinking, and hinder forming new bonds
- specially if they're
and
Not a good
to make wise stepfamily commitments! Invest in your future by taking
many months to sort everything out, grieve well, and rebalance your
lives first. Help each other keep a long-range view!
Another pre-re/marriage danger sign is...
11)
Suspected
or certain past or present
to substances
(including sugar, fats, carbohydrates, nicotine, caffeine, and prescription
or street drugs), activities
(including work, sex, shopping, gambling, cleaning, exercising, Web-surfing,
and social causes),
moods (like rage or
excitement) and/or
If you or your partner believe
anyone in your stepfamily-to-be is or was addicted,
yellow light. Addictions are clear signs of major
childhood
and trauma, and wounded caregivers and
ancestors. Demonstrated commitment to a
12-step addiction-control program is an essential first step in
effective addiction
management.
Danger 12) Chronically
ill or "acting-out"
biochildren and/or
ex mates. Do you and/or your
beloved partner have one or more minor or adult children that has recurring…
-
Serious academic or social school problems, including few or no friends,
or preferring "toxic" or troubled (wounded) friends;
-
Repeated trouble with truancy, gangs, cults, and/or the law;
-
Non-experimental drug use, or clear chemical dependence, including fats
and sugars;
-
Threatened or actual running away from home;
-
Excessive stealing, defiance, lying, and/or secrecy;
-
Frequent excessively-emotional
outbursts and/or mood swings;
-
Suspected or clinically-diagnosed
syndrome (attention-deficit / hyperactivity disorder) and/or a
"learning disability";
-
Writing or talking about
and/or self-mutilation;
-
Preoccupation with fantasy, death, violence, sex, and/or the occult;
and/or…
-
Chronic
and/or sleep, digestive, or eating problems like anorexia, bulimia, and
obesity?
These are high-alert symptoms of prior
and significantly-wounded
and kids. Ongoing or escalating symptoms like these are courtship
red
lights.
Stop any plans to form or join a stepfamily until you find the
for these symptoms, and the
person/s make clear progress towards reducing them. Stepfamily
stresses will probably make things
worse.
Danger 13)
A series of
prior break-ups (including
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