The Web address of this
article is
http://sfhelp.org/07/nc/danger1.htm
If either of you partners has one or more living kids from a prior union,
use these danger signs.
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so
please turn off your brow-ser's
popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and
divorce. This intro-duction describes the
Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each
article is part of a mosaic of ideas,
so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles
augment, vs. replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
Perspective
The media states that over half of
average U.S. couples divorce
psychologically or legally despite their commitment vows.
One of five probable
is that one or both
needy partners choose
the wrong
to
commit to (partner + relatives and friends), at the wrong
for the wrong
This article is one of a
series for courting
childless couples to help them make three right courtship choices.
Based on 27 years'
clinical research with over 1,000 typical Midwestern-US women and men, it
suggests 12 common danger signs that one or both
courting partners risk future divorce.
My research suggests that
at least 80% of typical
American adults bear two to six significant psychological
from a
childhood. One wound is
significant
- unconsciously denying, minimizing,
idealizing, repressing, projecting, and/or exaggerating painful realities.
If you're often
controlled by a
(wounded), (a) you probably won’t know it, and
(b) you're at major risk of misjudging or discounting the courtship danger signs
below, and
what they mean. So before using this checklist...
-
Study these slides, and read (at least) these
two Web pages and the linked
articles above for
background. Then...
-
fill out this wound-assessment
worksheet
honestly for signs of false-self dominance.
If
you find you have "too many" signs, have an
objective person who knows you well reality-check your answers below for
possible distortions. Any children you may conceive and their descendents depend on you partners being honest with yourselves here.
Breathe well, and notice your thoughts and feelings now.
Do you have
that your
true Self
(capital "S") is
the other
parts of your
now?
Courtship Danger Signs
The more of these signs that seem true about you and/or your partner,
the more you risk justifying
unwise commitment choices. Take at least 30" of undistracted time to
think about these items. As you do, notice your emotions - they point to what you
me / you
__ __ 1)
Reluctance to honestly
for false-self
and/or
the assessment
results. There
are at least six significant
of
these wounds.
__ __ 2)
Persistent
thoughts like "Don’t
commit to / this person / now!"
If you often have thoughts like these and/or persistent relationship doubts
or worries when you let your mind get quiet, something is wrong.
If
you ignore such thoughts or avoid quiet
you
risk personal and relationship stress.
Option:
get quiet and invite your inner
voice to tell you specifically why it’s warning you. Try
about
these
without editing for logic or "common sense." Pay attention
to your hunches, intuitions, "senses" and inner voices!
__ __ 3)
Feeling
urgency or desperation to exchange
vows and/or
to cohabit, or
obsessing about them. A related warning sign
is believing "I can’t live or be happy without you!"
Such
intense feelings (and needs) are a brilliant
red light. They may indicate
wound-based
- relationship
__ __ 4) Seriously discussing wedding
within (roughly) 18 months since you met or since any marital separation
or divorce. Stop
and
perhaps with
professional help,
of your
subselves is
causing this urgency. For more
perspective and long-term safety, do at least this
right-reasons
worksheet!
__ __ 5)
Reluctance to read, discuss, and use the
right-decision
worksheets
or
related quiz. If you and/or your
partner repeatedly avoid reading and discussing these
articles and doing the three-wise-choice worksheets,
your relationship is probably based more on
false-self
and
than love. Listen closely to your inner voices.
Something’s
not right…
More warning signs of unwise commitment decisions...
__ __ 6) Expecting that
your partner will want to change
significantly unpleasant traits "somehow" after you commit and
cohabit.
S/He
probably won’t, no matter how loving, patient, pious, and reasonable you
are. If s/he's not going to change, do you still want to commit "’til death us do part"?
__ __ 7) Many
recent major life
changes,
(broken bonds), and/or traumas in a short time (e.g.
4-6 months), for you and/or
your partner. Examples: firings or
new jobs; changing homes, schools, and/or churches; separations and/or
sudden financial
losses or gains; deaths or major health impairments; pregnancies and births; graduations or
flunk-outs; legal suits or judgments; natural disasters; bankruptcy; home break-ins or muggings; rape
or murder; sudden family membership-shifts…
Events like these all cause disorienting losses (broken
emotional/spiritual bonds) which require time
and solitude to
(accept and
stabilize). When many
losses occur in a short time, their immediate and secondary impacts can
distort partners'
thinking, and decision-making - specially if they're previously
Not a good
to make life-long
partnership commitments! Invest in your future
by
taking many months to sort everything out, grieve well, and rebalance
your lives first! Help each other keep a long-range (e.g. a full generation) view!
Other courtship
danger signs are ...
__ __ 8)
Suspected
or certain, past or present
to...
-
substances
(including sugar, fats, carbohydrates, nicotine, caffeine, and prescription
or street drugs),
-
activities
(including work, sex, shopping, gambling, cleaning, exercising, and social causes),
-
moods (like rage or excitement), and/or...
-
If you or your partner believe
anyone in your combined family-to-be are
or were addicted, yellow light. Addictions are clear
signs of major
early-childhood
and
traumas, and
wounded
caregivers and ancestors. Demonstrated commitment to a
12-step addiction-control
program is an essential step in true
addiction
management ("recovery").
__ __ 9) A series of
prior break-ups
(including
or
relationships, or
no
prior intimate adult relationships. If you and/or your prospective partner have
a history of "failed" primary relationships or no
intimate relationships, red
light! These suggest serious false-self wounds
and unawarenesses. The
answer to these is education + wound-
not
a romantic commitment!
__ __ 10) Keeping
major secrets. If
you and/or your
partner are clearly in the habit of
or intentionally withholding key truths ("lying
by omission"), rethink any
commitment plans! In my experience, such
behavior is a sure symptom of major false-self
and
and
__ __ 11) Partners'
past or present romantic or sexual
These often indicate false-self
+ ineffective communication
+ unawareness of effective
relationship requisites
+
(wounded,
unaware) families.
A
last courtship warning sign is...
__ __ 12)
Repeated delays or
avoidances. If you or your
partner consistently avoid serious, intimate discussions and conflicts
on any topic in this worksheet,
red light! Such
- and people who "always want to have fun!" or
"focus on the bright side!" -
or
something or someone.
Their ruling subselves are likely to
that these
dominate your relationship’s growth and evolution.
Some classic avoidances (i.e. denials) to watch for...
-
shmounds - everybody has some old baggage. We're getting along
fine without digging into the past."
-
"We can and should
handle our own problems (vs. using
qualified outside help)";
-
"We’ve all lived (or courted) together for ___
months without big problems, so eventual
divorce? Not us! No sweat!";
-
" I don't know anyone else who worries about
squares, or rectangles. We'll be fine!"
-
"Look, grieving is automatic, right? We don't have
to worry about
-
"There’s absolutely no point in
learning about this subself and
inner-wounds stuff.. It’s just psychobabble and a waste of
time. The past is done, over, finito - don’t you get it?";
(Flashing
red light!)
These are usually the sounds of deep, semi-conscious
shame, guilts, and fears. They probably won't shrink by exchanging
tokens and vows. Healthy commitment involves courageously learning and
confronting
such fears together, reducing them, and putting
love, and informed
trust back in charge, over time.
Try reading the articles on building mutual
trust and
intimacy between mates, and the
articles on effective
and empathic
together. Then work toward mutual discovery of "What would make it
safer
to talk and
together now?"
Another possible warning sign is
choosing to cohabit first before - or
instead of - formal marriage. For perspective, see this summary of a
2005 British research report
suggesting that unmarried families break up more often than married ones.
Would you agree that human nature transcends co-parental nationalities?
Recap
After
27 years' research with
over
1,000 average
courting, and re/marrying adults, I believe that these are 12
reliable predictors of serious relationship and parenting stress,
and probable psychological or legal divorce. The more of these factors that
apply to you all,
the higher your odds of major future conflict, frustration, heartache, and loss.
unaware partners
(i.e. their
in the blissful haze of new romantic love will often
these warning signs. For your and any descendents' sakes,
work hard together over
many months doing
before
pledging your life-long love.
Tentative
good news: if you partners
have few of these symptoms, or you're both genuinely
committed to patiently reducing those you can, and then re-evaluating your
options, that's a cautious green light to keep doing
your courtship homework together!
If you
haven't yet, invest undistracted time and energy together in discussing...
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what
you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what
you need? Is there anyone you want to discuss these ideas with? Who's
answering these questions - your wise resident
or
