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Break the [wounds + unawareness] cycle and
guard your descendents |
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Overview of
PROJECT 7
for Childless Courting Couples
Choose the
Right People to Commit to,
for the Right Reasons,
at the Right Time
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW |
 The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/07/nc/project07.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup,
so please turn off your brow-ser's
popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
 If
you mates have one or more existing children, go
here.
This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and
divorce. This intro-duction describes
the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each
article is part of a mosaic of
ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These
articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
PROJECT
7:
Courting partners each answer six questions
honestly to make
three wise life-long commitment choices. This
Project has two versions - one for couples without prior children
(this article), and one where
one or both courting partners has at least one living child from a
former relationship.
This article outlines the last of
which
help typical courting partners without kids make three wise long-term commitment choices.
(Note - stepfamily couples have seven courtship Projects). These
projects are also useful for committed (e.g. married) mates and related
family adults.
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These Projects exist
because
millions of courting couples just like you
appear to make unwise choices and eventually divorce psychologically or
legally. In a
state of blissful
these men and women picked the wrong
to commit to (partner + inlaws), for the wrong
at the
wrong
|
Two decades of research with
over 1,000 typical Midwestern-US partners
leads me to believe our tragic divorce epidemic stems from
five combined stressors:
partners'...
-
Unacknowledged
psychological
from childhood neglect, and...
-
of
some vital relationship skills and realities, and...
-
in one or
both partners, and...
-
uninformed commitment decisions,
and...
-
Social ignorance and denial of these
four stressors, and what they mean.
Project 7
Goal: To empower each courting
partner to use learnings from the prior
to make three wise long-term commitment choices, and co-found an enduring,
union and family. |
Questions...
What questions does each courting partner need to answer?
-
Who's making my courtship (and
other) decisions -
my
or other well-meaning
subselves (a
"false self")? See
-
"Why should I
commit to a primary partner at all?"
-
"Why
commit now?"
-
"Why commit to this
person and his or her relatives and friends?
-
"Can I honestly say that I'll usually put our relationship second only
to my
and
(except in emergencies)?
-
"Is my partner genuinely willing to keep our relationship second too?"
-
"What are my other
options (other than committing to this person now)?"
Are typical courting couples
receptive to these divorce-prevention Projects?
From co-leading ~45 re/marriage preparation
with over 400 average engaged couples since
1985, I've
seen that typical love-dazed,
partners...
have no clear concept of the hazards they
face (above) or how to guard against them; and they...
feel
skeptical, anxious, and/or angry, after learning of their
high odds of divorce and the
needed to
guard against that; and...
typical couples and some
family members seem to be significantly
and their ruling
want them to
this and what it
and...
most
partners seemed to minimize or ignore the divorce-prevention
Projects after
the seminar ended. In the
12 years I co-led the seminar, under 10 of the 400 couples requested low-cost
booklets summarizing the key
information they learned. This suggests
that their
and unseen
outweigh self-protection - a form of toxic
What if partners don't do these
before
exchanging vows?
Unless in a major personal or relationship
most committed couples can still
get great
value from the first four divorce-prevention Projects.
The last one may be of value if they want to
assess their courtship-commitment choices after making them.
This can be useful if they divorce and need to understand why,
as part of the mental level of healthy
Are there alternatives to these five Projects for courting partners?
In
29 years' research, I have never found
any
book, tape, or marriage-preparation service or program that proposes an equivalent of
these five
and/or protective Projects.
If there are
effective alterna-tives, the U.S. divorce
rate would decline, and American family nurturance-levels would rise. I
see no evidence of either of these. Do you?
When should couples begin these five courtship Projects?
My bias is
that every
adult - regardless of partnership status - should begin Projects
and
now, and begin
and 7 when they first seriously consider committing to a beloved partner.
The first four projects (six for
single parents) are roughly equivalent to a multi-year
"partner-apprenticeship" program. This
last project is a self-administered "couple-certification exam."
How long do these five courtship Projects take?
Projects 1, 2, and 5 are ongoing and become a way of life. Project 6 may
take several weeks to form initial personal life-purpose and
partnership-mission statements. Then these statements deserve at least
annual reviews and updates as partners age and may decide to nurture kids
and/or other dependents. Project 7 may take several months, leading to
decisions to commit or not.
How should courting couples do
this last courtship Project?
By
choosing some version of these steps together...
Ideally,
find an organization who will
sponsor this re/marriage-preparation
or
download and study the
five non-stepfamily course modules yourselves.
Alternative:
patiently study and discuss the appropriate
slide
presentations here and
tailor them to fit your unique situation. You'll gain awareness and motivation to do these
steps...
1) Spend many months
patiently progressing on the first
with key supporters.
2) Adapt and discuss this article on
keys to successful marriage
together;
3) As individuals,
take the courtship danger-sign inventory. If either of you have any significant
anxiety, doubt, or apprehension about committing to each other after doing
this, I suggest you delay any commitment vows and do more work on
starting with inner-wound
(
If each of you feel confident enough, then...
4) Print and fill out the checklists for choosing the right
persons, for the right
reasons, at the right
time - alone. Doing them
together risks shading the truth and avoiding uncomfortable realities. As you fill these
out, consider
your thoughts and feelings without any editing.
The process
of doing these inventories is as instructive as the written results.
Option - use an objective helper (like a
to review your process and results, to raise the chance
that you're not fooling yourselves. If either of you partners is often ruled by a
(a) you risk unwise commitment decisions, and (b) your
ruling subselves probably won't want to admit that.
Step 5)
When you've both thoughtfully filled out
these courtship inventories, make (vs. find) a lot of undistracted time to discuss what you
learned together. Note specific areas of comfort and any topics that
cause someone anxieties and unease. Review your options:
If you both feel clear and confidant
enough,
celebrate, set the date, and share the excitement of dreaming and
planning!
If one or both of you feel significant
uncertainty or anxiety about committing, identify why. Would more work on any of the
four prior projects,
and/or on something else (e.g. paying off debts, resolving work or moving uncertainties,
finishing legal proceedings, etc.) reduce your ambivalence?
If so, work at these other tasks,
and keep (a) studying and discussing these
fundamentals, and (b) developing your relationship. Pick a time in the
future and review or repeat this courtship Project to see what's changed.
One or both of you may conclude that despite
love and longing (neediness), a long-term
commitment for you probably won't work. Some indirect symptoms of this
tough reality:
-
One partner trying hard to reassure and
convince the other to commit - "C'mon, you'll see - everything will work out just
fine. Trust me!"
-
A private hope or belief that an
appealing, wounded partner, child, and/or other co-parent will
"change" and make the partnership more satisfying.
-
One partner saying "I
really
want to (commit to) you but I have to find out if it's OK with (someone else)."
Red lights!
Options:
-
Adopt the unbiased
curiosity of a student, and a long-range outlook - e.g. one full
generation;
-
Assess whether your true Self
usually
your
If not, make
a high life priority and
delay any partnership
decisions;
-
Mull and discuss these common
courtship
danger signs
-
patiently study, discuss,
and apply the appropriate ideas in these
foundation
articles together;
-
invest time doing and
honestly discussing these courtship-decision
questionnaires;
-
Review these summary
questions
and answers
to gain perspective on choosing the right people to commit to, for
the right reasons, at the right time;
-
Review and discuss these
three steps for
preventing major partnership stress and divorce; Then...
-
Review this marriage-prep
course, and/or invest in and study the
practical
guidebook
Stepfamily
Courtship (Xlibris.com, 2001).
Most of
the book applies to
all
couples.
Bottom line:
millions (over half?) of typical American couples divorce legally or psychologically.
Would you board
a jet with your partner if you knew the odds of it
crashing were over 50%?
Working together patiently on
can make your
long-distance flight safe and
satisfying, and protect any future descendents!
+ + +
Notice how you feel now. Pause and reflect on what you just read, and what it
means
in your lives long range. Regain
big-picture awareness by reviewing this summary of all nine (non-stepfamily)
If both you partners are clear on
why do this fifth courtship Project and how to do it, then go for it! See
this
for other relevant courtship articles and worksheets.
If you're reading this after
committing and cohabiting, there's still major value in this Project if you want to see if
you made wise courtship choices.
If either of you didn't, working at the other
divorce-prevention Projects here probably won't help you fill your
primary relationship and family needs.
Status check: On a scale of 1 (no motivation) to 10 (high motivation), my
need to discuss and do
with my partner now is
about a ___.
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what
you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what
you need? Is there anyone you want to
discuss these ideas with?
Who's answering these
questions - your wise resident
or
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Updated
September 25, 2008
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