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http://sfhelp.org/07/nc/rt-partner.htm
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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
family relationships and
preventing divorce. This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so
the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment,
vs. replace, other
professional help.
This worksheet is for courting
couples without kids from a prior union. If one or both of you
have such kids, use this worksheet.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+
+ +
Perspective
After researching
human development, effective communication, and family systems since 1979, I conclude that three
promoting
epidemic U.S.
divorce
are courting partners'...
These combine to cause
millions of average men and women to
unknowingly pick the wrong people to commit to, at the
wrong
for the wrong
Each
can be reduced or avoided.
| This
worksheet is the first of
three for childless
courting couples that offer criteria for deciding
whether you're choosing the This page
proposes 23 special traits that affect the odds of making a right-people
choice. These traits come from the
profes-sional research I began in 1979, and clinical interviews with over 1,000 average (Midwestern U.S.)
adults since 1981.
|
There are many questionnaires and programs available that
aim to help you make the right courtship choices.
This Web-series of Project-7
courtship worksheets is unique in at
least three respects:
-
It is based on the concept of
two to six inherited psychological wounds that can promote major
relationship and family stress and eventual divorce. Few or no other
marriage-prep assessment tools that I'm aware of include this concept -
e.g.
Prepare/Enrich,
FOCCUS, or
Relate.
-
These worksheets emphasize
the vital importance of healthy-grieving knowledge and values, and the
widespread prevalence of incomplete grieving as a major personal and
relationship stressor. Our culture and other marriage-prep materials
ignore and discount this; and...
-
These unique worksheets
are based on an experience-based detailed framework of five
that prudent courting couples without prior kids work at
patiently before making major commitment and child-conception
decisions.
Directions
Prepare
by reading and discussing these...
If linked
Web pages in these articles interest you, read them first also. The more you know, the
more this and the related worksheets will make sense to you and your partner.
Ideally, you
two will be doing this worksheet after investing considerable effort in
Impatience with or major anxiety about
reading and discussing these articles suggests you may be ruled by a
protective
Print this page and find at least 30" of undistracted time. Choose attitudes
of curiosity and "this is a win-win-win investment of my time in responsibly
evaluating a complex long-term decision."
Check to
see who's
your
If it's a well-meaning
false self, expect
your results to be
Take time to reflect thoroughly
on each item below. First focus on you, then on your partner, and then circle
T(rue), F(alse), or "?" (I'm unsure). Circle "T" only if
all sub-items are true. Options:
record your thoughts and feelings as you do this self evaluation. Star or
highlight any items you want to learn more about or discuss.
Feel
free to add or edit any of the items to fit better. Be aware of whether
your true Self is the
and why s/he wants the changes..
If you fudge or cheat as
you do this, you're potentially hurting yourself, your partner, and possible
descendents.
Invite your
partner to (a) read the articles above and (b) fill out copies of these
Project-7 checklists. When you're both done, discuss your findings
thoroughly together, and see what you want to do. At the least, continue with the second
right people worksheet.
The more items below you rate
as "True," the higher the odds you're each
(a)
ready to commit, and (b) are picking
the right partner. That does not mean you're committing for the right
reasons, at the right
time!
1)
We have each lived alone and financially
independently (vs. with siblings or other kin, or a roommate or
lover) for several years as an adult. We each usually feel
comfortable enough with _ solitude, _ normal socializing, and
_ ourselves as a
person. (T F ?)
2)
We have each
_ thoroughly
whether either of
us is
significantly
from surviving a
childhood (home + schooling + church),
and _ our conclusions on this agree (T F ?)
If you can't
answer "T" here, the rest of these items are probably irrelevant.
Pay special attention to learning
and evaluating the traits of your partner's
ancestors. They are major clues to (a) any wounds your partner
has
and (b) useful indicators of any potential stress you may experience with
them. The "grad level" test is to evaluate each of your partner's childhood
caregivers for GWC behavioral traits
(wound-symptoms).
3) If
either of us is significantly wounded...
_ I am (you are / we are) now in a self-motivated, high-priority, effective personal
program;
or
_ I am (you are / we are)
willing to talk openly and seriously with the other about seeking recovery
for personal benefit vs. pleasing someone else. (T F ?)
4)
We
each can clearly _ answer all the questions on this
good-grief quiz and
_ we each can say clearly
these
questions are important to us;
or _ we are clearly self-motivated to learn the answers
now. _ Neither of us has major
of key
(broken bonds) from childhood or prior
traumas. (T F
?)
5) We each _ are very clear on our
personal rights as dignified, worthy persons, and _ we each genuinely
(vs. dutifully) accord our partner and all other people the same rights,
regardless of age, gender, ethnicity, role, relationship, or situation.
6) When
our personal
and we can’t find a workable compromise, we each usually _
want to put our
relationship of anything else except our
personal wholistic health and integrity and any local emergency _ without
undue guilt, shame, anxiety, or resentment.
If so, _ we each solidly trust this
won’t change if we commit. If either of us doesn't put our
to our personal
and
now,
_ we each are truly
willing to discuss
what's in the way of that, and whether we can change it. (T
F ?)
7)
Neither of us is now
or
over-using ...
-
a
substance (including
food, nicotine, caffeine, alcohol, prescription drugs, and "street" drugs);
or...
-
an
activity (including work; cleaning; exercise; weight control; worship;
studying; a hobby; a "cause," and earning, spending, or saving money; etc.); or ...
-
a
(including our partner, a parent, a child, or ex mate); or...
- a mood-state like excitement (risk,
conflict, change), sexual arousal, religious or spiritual ecstasy, or rage.
If either of us is
or may be
addicted now, _ we agree that s/he is steadily working a self-motivated,
effective addiction-management program
now. (T F ?)
8) My partner and I
usually (a) feel
well enough (vs.
agreed
with) by each other on key needs, opinions, and feelings; and _ we each usually try to meet
our
major needs
from
vs. duty (guilt) and/or needing to please (fear). (T F ?)
9) We each are comfortable enough with the idea that
in important situations, we need to help each other discern the
causing our surface needs. We're learning to use the
to do this together.
(T F ?)
10) We
each _ can describe the specific differences between
fighting or arguing and
now; and _ we each genuinely want to grow our effectiveness at
win-win problem-solving
together. We each accept that _ if we choose to
commit, we will encounter significant
and
conflicts
and
over
time which will stress our relationship. (T F ?)
11)
We each _ are comfortable enough with interpersonal conflicts,
rather than avoiding, denying, over-controlling, or fleeing from them. _ If not,
we each want to work
together to grow our ability to
and resolve
_
and _ mutual conflicts effectively. (T F ?)
12) We
_ trust each other well enough to
honestly discuss all major topics, relationships, incidents, worries, or secrets.
_ Neither of us is withholding or distorting anything significant from the other,
or _ we're proactively working to improve our mutual trust. (T
F ?)
13)
We
each are
_ clearly in love with
our real partner,
flaws and all, rather than loving an image of who we think the other
is or will become if we commit and cohabit. (T F ?) See Keeping The Love You Find - A Guide for Singles, by
Harville Hendrix.
14) Neither
of us is over-attached to
a former
partner, specially around
holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, crises, and other
special family and personal occasions. (T F ?)
15) We each
are detached enough from our _ bioparents,
_ siblings, and _ key relatives - i.e. we each are clearly living
as a self-sufficient adult now. If either of us has significant conflict
with any of these people, we can calmly _ disagree, say "No," and/or
_
our needs, feelings, opinions, and
firmly and respectfully _ without undue anxiety,
(T F ?)
16) We
each are
comfortable enough with our
partner's occupational choices, status, and plans,
or _ we're progressing at
resolving any significant disagreement over these;.
(T F ?)
17) We have thoroughly discussed each other's income and debt
obligations, and _ are comfortable enough with each other's financial
responsibility, integrity, and honesty. We each feel clear enough now on how
we will handle _ asset and debt ownership, _ insurances, _ savings
plans, and _ normal and special living expenses; or _
we are making satisfactory progress at negotiating these things.
(T F ?)
18) We
each genuinely _ want and _ enjoy physical intimacy with
each other, and _ trust the other
to be sexually honest and faithful. We each also
trust that _ the other has no significant medical or sexual secrets or _
sexual
now. (T F ?)
19)
My
partner and I
each _ feel clear enough now on if and when we would try to conceive
or adopt kids together. _ We
have thoroughly discussed the likely effects of having one or more kids on our key relationships,
assets, marital and social
priorities, living space, lifestyle, and leisure time. _ If we or key others have significant
about this,
we’re taking effective steps to resolve them
now.
(T F ?)
20)
We each
_ feel consistently comfortable enough in sharing our thoughts, fantasies, hopes, dreams, fears, and feelings with
the other, with some exceptions. We each feel _ very trusted by
the other, and share a deep-enough level of
_ emotional and _
empathy and intimacy.
(T F ?)
21) We each are
_ reasonably comfortable in
ambivalent, confusing, or alien situations;
and are _ reasonably flexible, creative, and resilient (vs. excessively rigid, anxious,
manipulative, or controlling) in reacting to them. (T F ?)
22)
We each are genuinely _ interested in and _ enthused (vs. hesitant, guarded, or defensive) about taking and discussing
_ this relationship-skill quiz and _ this
pre-re/marital
inventory with each other now. (T F ?)
23)
As I finish this part of our courtship inventory, I feel...
_ calm, centered, and relaxed;
_ that I answered each of these items thoughtfully and
honestly; and I feel...
_ no major anxiety or
ambivalence about showing my answers here to
my partner and selected others. (T F ?)
