Project 7 of 12 - each courting co-parent answer six questions honestly

Am I Committing to the Right Stepkids?
 p. 1 of 2

By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member, NSRC Expert Council

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The Web address of this two-page worksheet is http://sfhelp.org/07/rt-stepkid.htm

        Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so please turn off your browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.

        This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological wounds,  building high-nurtur-ance family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness] cycle, and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.

        These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the three or more related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily. 

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

+ + +

       Fill out this worksheet if you're considering committing to a partner who has at least one dependent or grown, genetic or adopted, custodial or noncustodial, child - i.e. a potential stepchild. If neither of you has a child from a prior union, go here.


  Why Fill Out This Worksheet?

        If you're seriously dating a wonderful single parent, you're also considering long-term commitment emotionally, legally, and financially to their children, ex mate/s, relatives, and ancestors. Even if you're very compatible with your partner, you and her or his child/ren may not be compatible - which will cause significant stress for you mates.

       This stepfamily commitment is far more complex and challenging then a first-marriage decision - specially if you both have kids. It's complex enough that millions of average U.S. stepfamily mates break up psychologically or legally within ~10 years of their commitment vows.

       You will be affected for many years by (a) the quality of your relationship with each of your minor and/or grown stepchildren, and (b) the quality of their relations with...

  • both of their bioparents,

  • any other stepparent/s,

  • any brothers or sisters, and...

  • with each of your children (if any), and any relatives you value...

        If you dislike a stepchild or vice versa, that will add to inevitable stepfamily loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles. These will come from your mate feeling s/he must choose between supporting a beloved child or you. If you know any stepfamily adults, ask them about these loyalty conflicts. They're probably the most widely described (vs. real) reason for stepfamily stress and breakups.

        In about 30% of U.S. stepfamilies, one or more noncustodial stepkids eventually come to live with their other bioparent - often as a teen. In other stepfamilies, a grown stepchild may ask to move in with their parent and stepparent. So - in making courtship decisions, don't discount the importance of your relationship with any geographically- distant minor or grown stepkids!

       Have you and your prospective stepchild/ren been unrealistically polite and tolerant of irritants so far to avoid courtship conflicts? A harsh stepfamily reality is that courtship relationships may change significantly after committing and cohabiting.

        Bottom line: do this and the other courtship worksheets thoroughly and honestly before making commitment decisions, because the odds of long-term spousal and stepfamily harmony are against you until you and your partner do your homework!

 Directions

       This worksheet is not about judging whether each potential stepchild is a good or bad person. It is about getting clearer on what's real about them and your relationship with them now, to avoid romance-induced illusions and denials. Many of the items below relate to the 30+ special adjustment tasks that typical minor and grown stepchildren face. Read that article before doing this worksheet. Then...

    Choose and keep a long-term outlook as you do this worksheet - e.g. the next several decades;

    Review this sketch of three possible stepfamily outcomes, and this comparison of the development stages of typical biofamilies and stepfamilies.

    Do a "Self check." Who's about to fill out this worksheet - your wise true Self (capital "S") or "someone else"? The latter (a "false self") risks making (a) distorted responses to these worksheet items, and (b) commitment choices you'll come to regret.

    Do a stepfamily identity check. If you don't fully accept that you're considering forming or joining a complex, multi-home stepfamily by committing to your partner and all their kids, co-parenting ex mates and kin, and their personal and relationship problems, this worksheet will have little value for you.

    Print this worksheet. You may want a separate copy for each minor or grown stepchild. Put the initials of each prospective stepchild at the top of a column below. Add columns if you need to. Consider using different colored pens or pencils to keep your answers distinct for each child.

    Put a check or Y (Yes) in the column for a given stepchild if you feel the item is clearly true of him or her now. Don't check a column unless all _ subparts are true. Ignoring this will sharply reduce the value of the worksheet. Use "?" if you're unsure of a subpart or item.

    The more undistracted time you take to consider each item honestly, the higher your odds of making satisfying stepfamily-commitment decisions.

    Star or hilight items that evoke significant emotions for later thought and discussion. Your emotions often indicate unfilled needs.

    If you have biokids too, ask your courtship partner to fill out a copy of this worksheet separately. Then compare and discuss your results and see what you learn.

    Draw no firm conclusions until you've filled out all these courtship-commitment worksheets.

    Option - write down your thoughts and feelings as you fill this out. You can learn as much from the process of considering these items as you can from your responses.
     

___ ___ ___

___

Am I Committing to the Right Stepchild/ren?
        1)  This child _ can describe clearly and accurately enough - in age appropriate terms - why their bioparents divorced or why their bioparent died. If not, _ s/he is clearly open to learning and talking about that now.
        2)  S/He's clearly grieving the tangible and invisible losses (broken bonds) from _ her/his biofamily's breakup, and from _ our adult partnership and/or cohabiting, well enough._ My partner agrees with my opinion on this now.
        3)  On a self-love scale of 1 to 10 (10 = high), _ I believe this child usually feels "six or more." _ My partner agrees with this now.
        4)  Growing up, s/he's been consistently encouraged to be a child - i.e. this child hasn't felt (or doesn't now feel) overly responsible for home management or for a younger or disadvantaged sibling's or a troubled bioparent's welfare.
        5)  This child seems to have a healthy-enough attitude about her/his _ gender, _ sensuality, and _ sexuality (if appropriate).
        6)  This child seems _ motivated enough and _ successful enough now with her/his _ schoolwork, _ activities, and/or _ job/s.
        7)  To my knowledge, this child has never thought seriously about, or tried _ suicide, _ running away, or _ seriously harming someone or something.
        8)  I have no reason to believe that this child is now, or ever has been, in significant trouble with _ the law; _ school, church, or community officials; _ gangs; _ cults; and/or _ harmful chemicals (including food).
        9)  I'm comfortable enough now with the quality and number of this child's _ social relationships, _ hobbies, and _ interests.
        10)  I've _ never had any major concern about this child's behaviors, psycho-logical stability, or mental health. S/He _ is not depending now on any medication for a chronic mood, behavioral, or sleep disorder.
        11)  I have no reason to suspect that this child has ever been significantly _ abused physically, sexually, verbally, or spiritually; or _ neglected spiritually, emotionally, and/or physically.
        12)  This child seems consistently accepting enough about (vs. indifferent or hostile to) her/his bioparent's commitment to me, now.
        13)  S/He _ understands and _ accepts that we're considering forming or joining a normal multi-home stepfamily,  and _ s/he is able to talk honestly enough with us about her/his related feelings and needs.
        14)  This child understands clearly enough that _ s/he doesn't have to love me or her potential step-relatives, stepsibs, or half-sibs. S/He also understands that _ we all do need to earn mutual respect.
           15)  This child is usually _ clear enough on what their/our household rules and related consequences are, or  _ s/he usually asks promptly for - and listens to - clarification on those.
            16)  I _ don't feel any significant urge now to rescue, save, or fix this child now. I _ freely choose to nurture this child, rather than feeling I must do so to please my partner and/or someone else.

        Pause, breathe, and reflect. How do you feel about what you just experienced? What did you just learn?

Complete this right-stepchild worksheet on page 2.

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Updated  August 25, 2008