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of
- each courting co-parent answer six questions honestly |
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Am I
Committing to
the Right Stepkids?
p. 2 of 2
by Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
Member,
NSRC Expert Council |
 The Web address of this
two-page worksheet is
http://sfhelp.org/07/rt-stepkid.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so
please turn off your browser's popup
blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
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Am I
Committing to the Right Stepchild/ren?
(concluded) |
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17) I've had _ no significant
sexual
thoughts, fantasies, behaviors, or tensions with this child; and _ I have no significant
concern now about any sexual feelings or actions between this child and any other member
of our (potential) multi-home stepfamily. |
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18) I feel clear enough on
my current stepparenting _
for, and _ authority
with this child; and I usually feel _ competent enough as a step-parent now. |
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19) I now have no significant
with _ my
partner, _ this
child, or _ any of
our other co-parents about discipline issues
with this child; or _ I'm confident now we all have a way of
these conflicts
effectively, and _ I feel we are making progress on this. |
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20) I solidly accept that _ I'll feel a different kind of
affection for this child than for my own biochild/ren (if any), and that it's
OK for me to not "love them equally." _
My partner and _ key others are genuinely comfortable enough with
this normal stepfamily reality. |
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21) This child is
usually co-operative enough in _ doing requested household chores and _
sharing appropriate family responsibilities. |
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22) As this child's (prospective)
stepparent, _ I'm
neither too detached nor too
with him or her.
_ My partner agrees with
this now. |
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23) This child and I are each _ comfortable
enough with our (potential) stepfamily role-titles: stepmother / stepfather,
stepson / step- daughter, and stepbrother / stepsister. _ I feel
we use these titles
appropriately enough.
_ My
partner and _ our
other co-parents are _ comfortable enough with, and _ use these titles appropriately, too. |
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24) I usually feel comfortable
enough being genuine and honest (vs. "being nice") around this child. |
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25) When I have a significant conflict
with this child, I usually feel _ legitimate enough about
each of our needs, values, and priorities, and
_ understood enough and _ supported enough by my
partner. |
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26) (If applicable): I feel this
child and each of my minor and grown biokids usually get along well enough
or _ are moving toward mutual acceptance (vs. "love")
well enough. |
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27) I haven't felt
significantly used or ignored by this child - i.e. I get enough
respect, co-operation, and acknowledgement from him or her for the time, energy, and any money
I choose to contribute for the child. |
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28) I've _ thoughtfully deliberated
my
estate plan, have _ discussed it thoroughly with my mate and relevant others
(e.g. my biokids, and their other parent/s), and _ I'm clear enough now on bequests I want
to make to this (prospective) stepchild. _ No one is significantly
upset about my choices now. |
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29) All our co-parents have _ thoroughly
discussed and _ solidly agreed on
_
life, medical, dental, and car
insurances, and _ any
current and/or higher-education funding for this child. |
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Am I
Committing to the Right Stepchild/ren?
(concluded) |
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30) For each
late-teen
custodial
stepchild: I'm currently clear and comfortable enough with _ this
child,
_ my partner, and _ our other co-parent/s and
kin about _ when
s/he'll leave our home and about _ any circumstances that might justify her
or his moving back in
later. |
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31)
For each minor custodial stepchild:
if s/he ever goes to live with her/his other bioparent, I'm confidant
that the resulting changes in and between our homes would not cause major
ongoing _ psychological
or _ financial
for
_ my
partner and me,
and/or _ other key
people. |
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32) For each
non-custodial
minor or grown stepchild: If s/he came to live with us, I
feel confidant enough that my partner and I would not experience any major new
conflicts or tensions with _ them, _ each other, or
_ with their other co-parents or kin. |
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33) I've thoughtfully _ considered the pros and cons
of legally adopting this child, _ discussed this thoroughly with all our other co-parents and this
child, and _ we all have reached
a solid decision about this. |
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34) I usually _
like, _
trust, and _
respect this child, and _ often enjoy
having her or him around; or if I don't, my partner and I _ have
talked well about it, and
_ are not seriously conflicted about this now. |
Reread "Why Fill Out
This Worksheet." If you're ambivalent or skeptical about the ideas
there, reality-check them with veteran stepfamily co-parents (i.e.
any in a committed relationship over ~six years). Option - show them these
worksheets, and ask for blunt opinions on their reality and relevance.
Look at your checkmarks above for each child individually.
If there are "many" (a subjective decision), then you may
consciously conclude they are a right stepchild for you to commit to.
If there are
few checkmarks or many "?"s, then relating to them will
probably be a
significant source of
if you commit to their bioparent and them.
Put this worksheet aside, read more about the 12
family
in high-nurturance stepfamilies, and then
reread this in a week or so to see how your answers and conclusions
feel. Making balanced,
stepfamily-commitment decisions takes TIME!
Give a copy of this
two-page worksheet to
your partner, and compare and discuss results honestly with them after
s/he fills it out. Reality-check:
"I'm looking forward to discussing this right-stepchild
worksheet openly and fully with _ my partner and _ key others in our
prospective multi-home step-family _ without undue anxiety or reservation."
If this isn't true now, what does that mean?
Show this courtship worksheet to a trusted
mentor or
and ask them to help you
reality-check your answers. Your need and love for your partner and possible
false-self
may
your results here...
 If you haven't yet,
explore the other
wise-commitment
worksheets: picking the right partner
+ the
right co-parents + at the
right time
+ for the right reasons.
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what
you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what
you need? Is there anyone you want to
discuss these ideas with?
Who's answering these
questions - your wise resident
or
+ + +
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Updated
August 25, 2008
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