1	Make Three Wise Courtship Choices* Sociologists estimate that almost half of recent U.S. first-marriages fail legally. Unknown millions more fail psychologically. Typical unions involving prior kids and ex mates (stepfamilies) appear to fail even more often. Based on clinical research since 1981, this 20-slide presentation proposes… two core reasons for this tragic divorce epidemic – partners’ psychological “wounds” + unawareness of up to six key topics; and... how average courting partners can choose the right people, for the right reasons, at the right time. The presentation includes summaries of common courtship danger signs, recommendations, and resources. * These slides summarize “Project 7” articles and worksheets by Peter K. Gerlach, MSW in the nonprofit Stepfamily inFormation Web site. These materials apply to all courting partners - with or without existing dependents.
2	Contents / Index About human needs What typical courting partners need About personality subselves and “wounds” Why so many Americans divorce, and how to avoid that How to make three right courtship choices: commit to… the right people, for… the right reasons, at… the right time Common courtship danger signs (two slides), and… Stepfamily-courtship danger signs Courtship protections and resources
3	About Human Needs A need is a physical, psychological, and/or spiritual discomfort All human thoughts, emotions, and behavior are caused by current primary needs. Stress occurs in proportion to the number and priority of current unfilled needs. Needs are normal, automatic, and universal - not “good” or “bad” Adults and kids strive to fill current (a) communication needs, and (b) all other needs Needs range from minor to major, and secondary (superficial) to primary. Most people are unaware of their primary needs, so the needs keep returning - e.g. diets that “don’t work” Needs vary in priority, depending personalities and situations. Most people have several concurrent, dynamic needs. They can conflict internally and/or interpersonally. It’s usually helpful to identify and resolve inner conflicts first! When people’s needs, values, and/or perceptions conflict, they have “a problem” Communication is an instinctive reflex which aims to fill current needs The learnable skills of awareness and digging down can help you discover your current primary needs – so you can try to fill them
4	What Typical Mates Need why most people court and commit Premise: Most wholistically-healthy adults (like you?) seek a primary partner to fill a mix of primary needs like these: companionship (share life and avoid loneliness) increase current and old-age securities reliable emotional support and encouragement social normalcy and acceptance enjoyable stimulation and excitement sensual and sexual gratification (for some people) - conceive and/or nurture children safe self-discovery, personal growth, and healing (for some) fulfill God’s plan other unique (situational) needs Can you think of other reasons typical teens and adults (like you) date and want to commit?
5	About Psychological “Wounds” Premise - People who grow up in low-nurturance childhoods automatically develop fragmented, disorganized personalities to survive. Their personalities are composed of semi-independent subselves or parts, like skilled players in an orchestra or sports team. Experts estimate that about 5% of Americans are burdened with the worst case of this protective “personality splitting,” which used to be called “Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD).”* When a person’s subselves are too disorganized, they may be stressed by up to five more psychological conditions or “wounds,” ranging from minor to major: excessive shame (I’m a worthless person) and guilts (I do bad things) excessive fears of the unknown (e.g. of taking risks), failures, emotional overwhelm (and hence fear of conflict and intimacy), abandonment, and success excessive reality distortions, including denial, idealizing, minimizing, catastrophizing, assuming, projecting, and repressing trusting too easily and getting betrayed, or trusting too little, and being isolated People with all five of these wounds can also suffer… an inability to feel, bond, and give and/or receive genuine empathy and love. This can include an inability to relate to a Higher Power. Clinically, this wound is called Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) Having a group of dynamic personality subselves and some woundedness is normal. Once perceived and accepted, these wounds can be intentionally reduced, with knowledgeable help. * now called “Dissociative Identity Disorder” (DID) by psychiatrists
6	Two Roots of the U.S. Divorce Epidemic – p. 1 1) Until they’re self-motivated to admit and reduce their wounds and unawareness-es, average needy women and men repeatedly… choose significantly-wounded partners and associates, despite painful consequences - like betrayals, hurts, frustrations (unmet needs), and divorce show their most attractive traits during courtship, and idealize and optimize (distort) their views of their courtship partner. After commitment, partners may seem to become “different people” as the distortions and deceptions fade create low-nurturance families, unintentionally passing on the [wounds + ignorance] cycle to their vulnerable descendents, and spreading it in our society These wounded adults also… choose to endure low-nurturance, high-stress work or other environments for years; and… are often self-neglectful, promoting major health problems and premature death. Continued…
7	Two Roots of the U.S. Divorce Epidemic – p. 2 2) Wounded or not, typical Americans are (a) unaware of themselves and each other, and (b) ignorant of (lack knowledge about) up to six vital topics: psychological-wound origins + symptoms + impacts + healing options how to think and communicate effectively healthy three-level grieving of broken bonds (losses) typical child-development needs and effective-parenting skills requisites for high-nurturance (“healthy”) relationships, including adult-child average divorced or widowed co-parents and their suitors are unaware of stepfamily norms + realities + hazards + protections. Unawareness of their wounds + ignorances causes needy courtship partners to commit to the wrong people, for the wrong reasons, at the wrong time. This relentlessly promotes legal or psychological divorce. THE GOOD NEWS: once any adult is ready to accept their wounds and unawarenesses, s/he can intentionally reduce them over time – with knowledgeable help. This promotes making three right courtship choices, and breaking the [wounds + ignorance] cycle! What are these choices?
8	1) Commit to the Right Person/s – p. 1 If typical divorces are caused by excessive psychological wounds + partner ignorances, then the right person to commit to is someone who… fills your partnership needs well enough, and… has few of these “Grown Wounded Child” behavioral traits (wound symptoms), and s/he… (a) has honestly assessed for significant “false-self” wounds, and (b) is clearly self-motivated to reduce any s/he found; and s/he… comes from ancestors with few of these traits; and s/he… is committed to learning and using effective-communication basics and skills; and s/he… knows “good grief” basics, and is able to grieve major broken bonds (losses) effectively; and… has clearly ended her or his psychological and financial dependence on other people; and s/he…
9	1) Commit to the Right Person/s – p. 2 And the right partner… is getting clear on, and usually acts on, her or his life priorities and goals; and … is clearly motivated to nurture his or her wholistic health; and… demonstrates appropriate knowledge of child-development needs and effective-parenting principles and skills. And the right partner… wants a primary relationship for the right reasons; And if prior kids are involved… s/he wants to learn stepfamily norms + realities + hazards + protections; and… the child/ren are well along in filling their developmental and adjustment needs, and seem wholistically healthy; and if s/he is divorced, his or her ex-mate clearly has most or all of these traits too.
10	2) Commit for the Right Reasons – p. 1 Premises: (a) reasons for choosing a primary partner range between healthy and unhealthy; and (b) wounded, unaware partners often deny and/or justify unhealthy reasons to commit. Typical healthy reasons sound like… ”I want to commit to this special person… to live with a beloved adult I can freely love, and feel be loved by.” to expand and enhance my life’s daily experiences by sharing them with a trusted, emotionally healthy, beloved partner.” to live with an adult who consistently respects, validates, and challenges me constructively, and who helps me feel good about myself.” to live with a consenting adult I can often feel sexually desired by, excited by, and satisfied with, without guilt, shame, or anxiety.” to live with an interesting companion who often stimulates me intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, and physically, and expands my world.” Continued…
11	2) Commit for the Right Reasons – p. 2 ”And I want to commit to this special person… to live with a loving adult who (often) wants to comfort, accept, and support me when I’m worried, scared, discouraged, frustrated, confused, or ashamed.” to (a) live with a beloved adult who steadily wants to encourage me to grow freely as a unique person with special, valuable abilities, and to (b) help him or her do the same.” to feel consistently needed by, and useful and important to, a beloved, special adult I live with;” and I want to commit to this person… to fulfill God’s plan for me and us, and (possibly) nurture one or more children together. add your own right reasons to commit… For some common unhealthy reasons to commit, see this worksheet.
12	3) Commit at the Right Time – p. 1 Premises: (a) unaware, wounded partners may commit to the right people, for the right reasons, but at the wrong time. (b) The right time to commit to a primary relationship is when all these are clearly true… Both partners have thoroughly and honestly assessed each other to be the right person, who wants to commit for the right reasons; and… The courting partners have gotten to know each other and their key friends and relatives (including any existing kids and ex mates) for at least ~18 months; and… Any prior legal proceedings relative to divorce, estate probate, and/or child visitation, custody, and/or financial support have been clearly settled for 12 months or more; and… Both partners have spent at least six months studying and practicing effective communication basics and skills; and… Both partners – and any kids and ex mates - have clearly progressed well on mourning their major broken bonds (losses); and… Continued…
13	3) Commit at the Right Time – p. 2 Both partners have (a) thoroughly discussed, and (b) agree well enough on, child conception, adoption, and co-parenting values and priorities; and… Each partner is clear on how to identify and resolve values and loyalty conflicts and associated relationship triangles with each other and other key relatives, including any prior kids; and… Partners have made adequate time to discuss and agree on personal and mutual asset and debt ownership and management; and… Partners each feel comfortable that they are spiritually compatible; and… Each partner has his or her own stable human and spiritual support system; and… Each prior child (if any) is well along on filling their mix of developmental and family-adjustment needs, and has informed, healthy-adult help Do these timings make sense to you? Each couple may have other unique commitment-timing factors to include.
14	Recap: 3 Wise Courtship Decisions Over half of recent U.S. marriages have failed legally or psychologically. Stepfamily re/marriages are more complex, and seem to fail more often than first marriages. Based on 27 years’ research, this nonprofit Web site proposes two reasons for this tragic, costly divorce epidemic: courting partners are significantly wounded, psychologically, and… are unaware of themselves, each other, and up to six vital topics. Without (a) accurate awareness of both these factors and (b) mutual commitment to reduce each of them, typical needy courtship partners choose… the wrong people (partner, relatives, and any prior kids and ex mate/s) to commit to; for… the wrong reasons; at… the wrong time. These wrong choices promote eventual psychological and legal divorce. Typical friends, relatives, and professionals like clergy and clinicians are unaware of these two factors. Even if supporters are aware and caution the needy couple, if either partner is significantly wounded, s/he will usually discount this and justify making the wrong choices. This is specially likely when prior kids and ex mates are involved (stepfamily courtship). What are key signs that you (or someone) risks making wrong commitment decisions?
15	Common Courtship Danger Signs when no prior kids or ex mates are involved (p. 1 of 3)
16	Common Courtship Danger Signs when no prior kids or ex mates are involved (p. 2 of 3)
17	Stepfamily-courtship Danger Signs when prior kids and ex mates are involved (part 3 of 3)
18	Courtship Protections Break the [wounds + ignorance] cycle! Raise your odds of breaking the cycle and choosing the right people to commit to, for the right reasons, at the right time, by doing things like this: Each partner assess themselves and each other for false-self wounds. If either of you have many of these symptoms, refocus on personal recovery before considering commitment to each other! Reluctance to do this now is a sure sign your true Self is disabled. Red Light! Read and discuss this presentation together when you’re not distracted. Then review the slides again, and read and discuss each hyperlinked Web article for more perspective and options. Take several weeks to do this thoroly! Use these quizzes about personalities, communications, healthy grieving, and stepfamilies (if applicable) to discover what you each may need to learn Ask key personal and any professional supporters to (a) study this presentation, and (b) give you honest feedback about whether you’re making three wise courtship choices. Caution: if a supporter is wounded and unaware, their feedback may be significantly distorted. Review, discuss, and heed these Courtship Danger Signs Review and these common questions and answers about “Choosing a Mate” Both partners honestly answer these six key questions when you’re not distracted, and discuss your results with knowledgeable supporters you trust. Whether you’re considering a stepfamily union or not, read and apply the guidebook “Stepfamily Courtship, or use these related “Project 7” Web materials as a guide and resource.
19	Answer Six Vital Courtship Questions Raise your odds of making three wise courtship choices by meditating and answering these fundamental questions honestly: Is my true Self (capital “S”) making my courtship decisions, or are some other subselves (a “false self”)? A well-meaning false self is likely to justify biased, skewed (unwise) courtship decisions. Why should I commit to a primary relationship with anyone at this time in my life – what primary needs are my dominant subselves trying to fill? Why should I commit to a primary relationship with this person and his or her relatives (and any ex mate/s and existing minor or adult children)? Why should I commit to these people now? Have I really studied each of the three wise choices and all the danger signs? What are my other commitment-options at this time? If your true Self is solidly in charge, s/he’ll probably be open to reviewing your answers to these questions with someone who (a) understands the gist of this slide presentation, (b) knows you pretty well, and (c) you really trust to give you honest feedback. Restated: reluctance to discuss your answers to these questions honestly with one or more trusted, knowledgeable supporters suggests that a well-intentioned false self is making your decisions. Red light!
20	Courtship Resources Raise your odds of making three wise courtship choices by tailoring and using Stepfamily inFormation resources like these: