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Build high-nurturance stepfamily relationships |
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Inventory: Our
Stepfamily's
Strengths
Introduction and Preparation
- p 1 of 11
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
Member
NSRC Experts Council
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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/07/strnx0-intro.htm
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This is one of
over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and
divorce. This introduction describes the Web
site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article
is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more
you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles
augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before
continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
Option: download this inventory as a
free 34-page booklet.
 Introduction
Millions of U.S. stepfamilies
eventually
psychologically or legally. When they
exchange vows, co-parents
expect to succeed. Most re/divorced mates didn't know how very
different average
stepfamilies are
from intact biofamilies, so they didn't see the need to prepare.
One or both stepfamily mates have one or more living children from a prior union. Unless their ex
mate and/or biokid/s are dead, a single bioparent joins or forms a nuclear stepfamily when
they commit to a new mate.
If this new partner is also a divorced bioparent
who's ex is alive, they and their kids all form a
three-home nuclear stepfamily.
All people in these several related households are strongly bound together
for many years by a web
of genetic, legal, financial, emotional, social, and memory ties.
|
All persons, relationships, and families have
mental, emotional, and spiritual strengths - i.e. human assets. Do you
agree? To counterbalance typical stepfamily complexities and challenges,
this
multi-page worksheet aims to help you identify and celebrate the strengths your adults and kids bring together as a unique group of
worthy people with common goals and challenges. |
This
9-page strengths inventory is meant for co-parent mates with minor
and/or grown children. It comes from a two-year masters-degree
stepfamily-research project,
29 years of studying wholistic
family and
relationship
health, and my clinical work with over 1,000 typical co-parents since 1981.
Using this inventory now to
appreciate your stepfamily's human assets and growth targets can be a
high-return in your long-term partnership
and stepfamily success!
Preparation
Affirm "We are a normal
multi-home
(vs. "just a family");
Accept that typical stepfamilies are
significantly different in
structure and developmental tasks than typical intact biofamilies, so
many traditional biofamily
norms and expectations usually don't apply;
Define clearly "who
to our stepfamily?"
Include:
-
all adults and kids living full-time and part-time in
your
home; and ...
-
all people living full-time and part-time in the
one or two homes
of each absent bioparent (co-parenting ex mate), and...
-
all DNA (genetic) and legal relatives (including grown,
independent siblings and their families) who are emotionally important to
each bioparent,
stepparent, and child who lives in these two or more related co-parenting homes,
even if
such kin are dead or out of regular contact;
Drawing a
can help
visualize who comprises your whole multi- generational stepfamily. After you do, check: is
each
living and dead person that each of your stepkids and biokids considers "my
family" included?
Choosing to leave some people out will probably generate household
and family
and lower the value of this worksheet. If you
mates have trouble agreeing
on who belongs to your multi-home stepfamily, use this
technique to learn what the
are.
After you partners agree clearly on who comprises your stepfamily, then
read and discuss all
these stepfamily Basics articles together.
Pay special attention to the articles on high-nurturance families,
the
for re/divorce, and
(GWCs).
View
the time this takes as an important investment in your long-term primary
relationship, and your minor kids' security and
The more of this
information you mates learn and integrate, the more this worksheet will make sense to you.
Many of the inventory items below are based on the ideas described in these
Basics
articles.
Choose an attitude of open-minded curiosity.
If you've
been trained to minimize your good qualities ("Don't brag! That's really
conceited!"), put that old rule aside for now.
Strengths you identify here are
not meant to set anyone above other people or groups. They
are
meant to form the realistic basis for healthy
hope, and resilience, when your
stepfamily dynamics feel very discouraging, frustrating, confusing, and/or overwhelming
(which is normal!).
Print the first several pages of this
11-page inventory, and get comfortable.
Set
aside at least an undistracted hour to start assessing your strengths.
If
you get tired or distracted before finishing, take a break! It will probably take you
several sessions to finish. The more patient, honest, thoughtful effort you partners
invest in using this inventory, the greater your long-term payback ...
As you assess these many items,
try to stay focused on
your long-range goals here: to promote...
-
clear, shared awareness of your
stepfamily's
strengths, and
Projects; and
-
positive discussions about all
these among your stepfamily members and supporters.
The ultimate aim is to help you
overcome five common
and build high-nurturance stepfamily
relationships.
To "prime your pump," read this perspective on the
benefits of living in a stepfamily
This inventory's length reflects the
number of possible stepfamily strengths, and factors you can improve, over time.
Though some items may seem like they don't apply, they probably do - or will. My
experience is that stepfamily stress is often based partly on adult
and/or protective
of
important stepfamily
realities and their
and personal problems
like
incomplete
confusion over alien stepfamily
and significant psychological
in co-parents and kids.
This family
strengths inventory is based on
the premise that any
family's
and long-term success is
based on...
-
The
knowledge, and
of the family's leader/s, and...
-
the nature and quality of human resources and
environmental supports (like caring, extended family; reliable friends; and consistent social
stability, safety, and services); and...
-
how the family's leaders use these
assets.
Another premise: because of their
inherent complexity, typical multi-home nuclear stepfamilies need
unique strengths
to succeed, long term.
Contents
This stepfamily-strengths inventory has three sections:
1) Strengths in your
co-parenting team:
all
bioparents and stepparents in your multi-home nuclear stepfamily:
2) Strengths in your
several related
co-parenting homes;
and ...
3) Strengths in your
multi-generational
("extended") stepfamily, which can include
people!
Scan the
whole inventory first to get the feel of it. As you do, add any missing items you
feel are relevant to your situation, and edit any others as needed for better fits.
I suggest that you mates
fill out
copies of this inventory separately to avoid
influencing each other's answers. When you're both done, then compare and discuss your
answers to learn, rather than to blame or attack. Use colored markers, add
symbols, notes, and comments, and edit these questions to fit your unique situation.
Consider journaling as you go. Let these pages work for you!
 Begin by
identifying and appreciating your
co-parent's specific strengths as
individuals.
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Updated
August 04, 2008
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