Break the [wounds + unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents
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Inventory: Our Stepfamily's Strengths

Our Co-parents' Strengths
 as Stepchild Nurturers (p. 2 of 2)

By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member NSRC Experts Council

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The Web address of this inventory is http://sfhelp.org/07/strnx0-intro.htm

        Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so please turn off your browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.

        This is one of over 150 articles focused on building high-nurturance family relationships and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.

        These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the three or more related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily. 

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

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       This seventh inventory Web page and the prior one focus on your co-parents' special strengths as stepchild nurturers. Even if a co-parent grew up in a stepfamily, these unique caregiving skills and traits must be learned as an adult. 

        Biofamily parenting experience does not automatically endow adults with these strengths and abilities!  Effective co-parents grow these specific strengths intentionally over many years, starting ideally well before commitment vows and/or cohabiting. Keep in mind the comforting motto "Progress, not perfection!"

       This inventory is about all the bioparents and stepparents ("co-parents") in your two or three linked child-raising homes. Again - check checked boxa main strengths item as "true" only if you feel you can solidly check all sub-items! Review the inventory directions if you're unclear on them.

       This inventory is not about blame, and it's not a competition. Only a rare person has all these traits. Traits you co-parents don't have can be growth goals, not weaknesses. Modify these traits as needed to fit your idea of effective caregiving - and appreciate how challenging being an effective stepfamily co-parent is!  

            Put the initials of each of your three or more co-parents above a column below. "Score" your whole inventory on the last page. Numbering below continues from the prior page.

Co-parent (initials)

1) Our Co-parents' Strengths as...

  D) effective stepchild nurturers (continued)

__

__

Me

You

__


_

            19) This previously-married adult is emotionally detached enough from any divorced and/or dead mates. Nobody in our family feels now that s/he still has any significant... 

_ romantic or sexual longings, dreams, or contacts with an ex mate; 

_ old hurts, resentments, guilts, shames, or hostilities; 

_ reunion hopes, fantasies, or schemes; 

_ significant fears, secrets (like affairs), or jealousies; or...

_  trouble talking to or about their former partner/s, or encountering reminders of them and their relationship, without intense feelings or extreme fantasies; or if there are any of these issues, this co-parent is self-motivated and acting now to truly resolve them; 
            20) S/He _ can now clearly describe key traits of effective child-discipline, and _ most of the ~20 unique aspects of stepfamily child discipline; and _ s/he is respected now by all our co-parents and kids as a consistently effective limit-setter and consequence-enforcer with all our minor kids; 
            21) S/He can clearly describe _ the three levels of normal grief, the phases in each level, _ at least six symptoms of blocked grief; and _ why such knowledge is vital to our stepfamily; or s/he is self-motivated to learn about all these now; 
            22) S/He Is self-motivated to help all us co-parents _ define and agree on a meaningful family policy about healthy grieving, and _ to model it and _ teach it to our kids and kin, over time;  
            23) S/He Is interested in evolving - and  using - a meaningful family mission statement for her/his home, and for our whole multi-home stepfamily;
            24) S/He _ usually enjoys spending time with each and all of our minor and grown kids, and _ generally likes being a co-parent in our step-family; 
            25) S/He _ calmly accepts that typical re/wedded bioparents are closer to, and often more tolerant with, their own children than their stepkids; and s/he _ solidly accepts that it's normal for minor and grown stepkids and stepparents to not really love each other for years - or ever;
            26) S/He is _ evolving, a clear, specific, written job description as a co-parent in our multi-home stepfamily because _ s/he's interested in helping all of us clarify "who's responsible for what - and when (relative to nurturing our minor kids)?"; 
            27) S/He is content enough with our current child visitation arrange-ments, or is working cooperatively with all concerned to improve them; 
            28) S/He Is content enough with our current financial child-support arrangements, or s/he is working cooperatively with all concerned to improve them; 
           

29) S/He Is content enough with our current child custody arrange-ments, or is working cooperatively with all concerned to improve them;
            30) This divorced bioparent _ can usually separate co-parenting issues from any unfinished prior-marriage issues, and _ can co-operate effectively with her/his ex on not catching their biokids "in the middle" of the latter;
            31) S/He can now accurately describe _ at least 10 of the 43 environ-mental differences between traditional bioparenting and typical step-family co-parenting, and _ what those differences mean to our adults and kids. 
            32) S/He is self-motivated (vs. dutiful) to fill out this strengths inventory and discuss the results honestly and constructively with the rest of us;
            33)
            34)


 Thoughts ~ 







Continue by inventorying the strengths in and between your related co-parenting homes.

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Updated December 24, 2008