The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/08/basics.htm
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This is one of over 150 research-based articles focused on building
family relationships and preventing divorce.
This
introduction describes this Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the
more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help.
This is the second of a series of Web articles that
focus on resolving
between
mates. I suggest you read
the whole article before following any links. Mates usually have special
and ex-pectations of their partner that they don't have - or have less of
- with other people.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
This article describes three keys to solving all these primary
relationship problems:
The resolution keys are - mates help each other...
-
admit and reduce significant psychological
from a
childhood;
-
raise their
of seven key
and possibly...
-
help each other finish
major life
(broken bonds).
Two
things cause these keys and the U.S. divorce
epidemic: (a) the [wounds +
unawareness]
inherited from uninformed ancestors, and (b) the public's passive acceptance of
unqualified child concep-tion and parenting.
All other "marital problems" - like
money, affairs,
addictions,
loyalties,
too little time together,
boundary violations,
parenting disputes, and
clashes with
and
are symptoms of these nine problems and underlying three keys. Does
this make sense to you?.
Perspective
All relationships exist to fill current
so they experience minor to major "problems"
(unfilled or clashing needs). Typical
mates depend on each other to fill
so effective problem-solving is often extra
complex and challenging for them.
Stark evidence of this:
almost half of
recent U.S. marriages have failed legally, and millions more fail
psychologically but don't seek legal dissolution. Remarried
Americans mates sem to divorce even more often.
From 29 years
clinical research and experience, this nonprofit Break the
Cycle! Web site propos-es effective
ways that mates can reduce the three key problems above. Doing so prepares
them to re-solve any of
the nine secondary relationship problems above.
Here's a summary of
options. Scan the
whole summary, and then choose a patient, long-term outlook to work on them with your mate a few steps at a time.
Key 1) Reduce Mates' Psychological Wounds
Why? Kids raised in
childhoods automatically develop a mix psychological wounds: a
disorganized
excessive shame, guilts, fears, and/or reality distortions, distrust or
overtrust, and possibly an inability to form healthy
with some or all living things. Until they heal,
tend to choose each other as mates - repeatedly - and often have major
relationship problems like the table above..
-
Evaluate the concepts - read and discuss these
Project 1
articles with an open mind:
-
This
introduction to personality subselves (like yours) -
slides or
text
-
these
Q&A items about personality
subselves
-
if
you're skeptical about subselves, read this
letter, and try this safe,
interesting exercise
-
Read
this summary of six false-self
wounds, and...
-
This
introduction to "Grown Wounded
Children" (GWCs), and study...
-
What it means to
be an unrecovering GWC; and read...
-
This
overview of wound-reduction ("recovery") -
slides or
text, and this...
-
Overview of the
silent [wounds + unawareness] cycle -
slides or text
-
Then
apply these concepts
-
Assess yourself for
significant false-self wounds, and decide if you want to reduce any
you find. If you defer or skip this step, all other options are less
apt to benefit you mates;
-
Evolve
and work an effective wound-reduction
program with qualified help;
-
If
you're courting, use these Project-7
worksheets to avoid
committing to a wounded partner - unless s/he is clearly dedicated
to self-motivated wound-reduction;
-
When
your
is steadily
your personality,
assess your partner for significant false-self
wounds. Use professional help if needed to avoid skewed findings;
-
If your
partner appears to be a GWC, consider the options in this
article.
-
Use
your learnings about wound-reduction in resolving all secondary
relationship problems as needed (table above)
As you help
each other admit and reduce your wounds, also...
Key 2) Increase Your Knowledge and Awareness
Why? My clinical work with over 1,000 average Midwestern
Americans suggests most adults lack fundamental
about effective
relationships, communication, grief, and parenting. Our media ceaselessly
urges living over-stimulated, warp-speed lives with little awareness of (a)
and (b) our
with other people - unless they have major crises like
In other words, average adults like
you don't know what they don't know - so they don't seek to learn the
topics below, and can't teach their
kids some of what they need for healthy adult independence. So - average
mates (like you?) need to...
-
Assess
your mutual knowledge by using these
Then...
-
Commit to learning these foundation
concepts together as appropriate -
-
As you
your
to guide your personalities,
help each other steadily
practice growing your
and
awarenesses.
If you're tempted to skip or
this foundation reading, lower your expectation of benefiting from this
article and series. If you're in a
relationship crisis and seek a quick fix, see
Key
3) Help Each Other Grieve
Why? Unless people are wounded and unable to do so, they form bonds
(emotional attachments) throughout their lives. By choice or chance, these
bonds break, causing painful
Kids raised in low nurturance families are often discouraged from mourning
their losses well. As adults, they aren't aware of the
toxic effects of incomplete
mourning, and may unconsciously reproduce
families as their original caregivers did. Couples can guard against this
by...
-
studying this overview of
Project 5 - build a pro-grief family;
-
discussing this
research summary on "complicated
grief," and this one on expressing feelings;
-
reviewing these worksheets on
tangible and
invisible losses
-
discussing this introduction to healthy
three-level grieving - slides or
text;
-
comparing these
six good-grief steps to your style
of mourning, and adjust yours as needed
-
read these articles on
permissions and personal and
family grieving policies. Then define
(a) what your policies have been, and (b) whether you're living in a
"pro-grief" home and family.
-
option - define the grieving
values of the home/s you mates each
grew up in, and compare them to your present policies; and...
-
identify the major losses in your lives to
date, and check for symptoms of
incomplete mourning for each major loss; and...
-
if either of you mates complain of
"depression," assess whether it may really
be healthy grieving;
-
if you're raising kids, discuss whether
they're learning healthy grieving basics
and three-level grief. Options
- use this quiz as a guide, and have
one or more family meetings on "good
grief." .
Options
Patient work on these three keys over time can help you partners grow a solid foundation
for resolving major relationship problems. Permanently
solving each relationship
problem in this
of Web
articles is more likely if you partners "do your homework" first. In my
experience, most American mates don't - and over half eventually
break up legally or psychologically.
Recall why you began reading this, and consider your choices now. You may ...
Agree with
much of what you've read here, and act on it "sometime" (vs.
today);
Help each other build the habits of...
-
your
from surface needs,
-
maintaining genuine
attitudes,
-
maintaining two-person
in important discussions;
-
confirming that your respective true
Selves are
in any
significant conflicts, and learning how to
them if they're not present.
Give copies of this article to your partner and anyone else you
wish (like older kids, ex mates, involved relatives,
supporters, and
support-group participants) - and have fruitful discussions together
toward more
relationship problem-solving;
Put copies of this article and these related
21 guidelines
and this attitude inventory
where you mates can easily find them. Reread them out loud as
when either of you feel stuck on some key relationship problem. And/or...
Discuss relevant items in this Q&A
article about marriage;
Use this strengths inventory to
affirm what's good about your relationship, and identify things to
improve; and/or...
Pass on what you're learning
here to other people to help combat
the widespread [wounds + unawareness]
And/or...
Periodically (e.g. on
anniversaries), use copies of
these articles as a way of measuring your growing success
at resolving inner
and
interpersonal relationship problems effective-
ly. Your success will
accelerate in proportion to your shared dedica-tion to family
(assess for false-self wounding and heal, if war-ranted) and
(learn and practice seven communication
together.
You
have lots of choices here!
Note the
guidebook
for Project 8:
The Remarriage Book
- master common stressors together," by Peter Gerlach, MSW (Xlibris.com.
2002). It integrates many articles and
resources in this non-profit Web site. Most of the
contents apply to any primary
relationship.
Recap
This reference article builds on the introduction
to
by describing three keys that cause most (all?) relationship problems:
mates...
-
admit and
significant psychological
from a
childhood;
-
raise their
of seven key
and possibly...
-
help each other finish
major life
(broken bonds).
The article offers explicit steps to
progress on these keys, and options for implementing them.
All other articles in this
Project-8
series are based on these three keys.
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what
you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what
you need? Is there anyone you want to
discuss these ideas with?
Who's
these
questions - your wise resident
or
Continue by selecting relevant articles from the
Project 8 index, or follow a
link below.
+ + +
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