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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
family relationships and
preventing divorce. This Project-8
subseries
of articles focuses on healthy primary relationships.
This introduction describes
the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic
of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These
articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
This article offers perspective on improving communication and
problem-solving effectiveness between mates. My experience as a family-systems therapist with hundreds of typical
couples since 1981 is that most (a) aren't able to communicate very well on
conflictual topics, and
(b) don't know that they have powerful options to improve their effectiveness -
i.e. to get more needs met more often, and strengthen their relationship.
Do you agree that effective communication is essential for a
stable, satisfying primary (or any) relationship? I've asked hundreds of average
mates what their main life
are.
Less
than 5% include "improve our communication and problem-solving
effectiveness" in their answers - yet when I ask about this, they usually say
"Oh, of course." What follows is based on my study of
relationships and effective communication for ~45 years.
This article is part of a
on nurturing primary relationships. It applies key ideas from
in this nonprofit Web site, which promotes effective communication
and problem solving in families and other groups.
The article
builds on this one, so please read
and discuss it before reading further.
This article proposes...
common
surface communication problems
why many mates have
trouble communication effectively
a way to
gauge your present communication
effectiveness and knowledge
benefits from intentionally
improving your communication effectiveness;
an
example of a typical couple trying to communicate, and...
specific
options for improving mates'
communication effectiveness
Before learning about these...
First Things First...
To get the most from this article, first read and discuss this
together
...
-
this introduction to
normal personality subselves and psychological "wounds" -
slides
or text
-
this
overview of the pervasive [wounds + unawareness] cycle that affects most
families (like
yours?) -
slides or
text
-
this
comparison of typical behaviors of
people guided by their true Self or a well-meaning false self
-
this summary of
effective-communication basics - slides or
text
article
-
this summary of typical
partners try to fill with a primary relationship;
-
this proposal of four sets
of requisites for a satisfying
relationship
-
eight options for
analyzing any relationship problem
- so you can solve it.
-
premises about solving
relationship problems in general,
and between mates
-
this survey of common
communication blocks
-
these examples of
lose-lose and
win-win
couple communication.
These articles come from my study
of
human behavior and communication
basics and
for over
40 years. My key learnings are integrated in the practical
guidebook
- 7 relationship skills you need to know (Xlibris.com, 2002). Scan
the contents here.
Surface Problems
The American divorce epidemic suggests that over
half of typical couples can't fill their primary relationship needs well
enough. Typical complaints I've heard include "My mate...
-
never listens to me
-
blows up or shuts
down if I
argue
-
has to have
the last word
-
is too
intellectual (or emotional)
-
won't stay
focused on one thing
-
won't say what
s/he wants
-
is so
illogical / "unreasonable"
-
won't talk to
me
-
never
apologizes
-
is always
pessimistic / optimistic
-
doesn't keep
her/his promises
-
gives me
-
won't always
tell me the truth
|
-
never lets me
finish
-
tells me what
I think and feel
-
criticizes and
lectures me
-
swears and
calls me names
-
keeps bringing
up the past
-
never shuts up
-
won't look at
me when we argue
-
jokes too much
/ won't take me seriously
-
makes
everything sexual
-
repeats the
same thing over and over
-
talks down to me
-
will never get
specific (generalizes)
-
does other
things when we talk
|
See any favorites? Complaints like these are "communication
problems" - and every one of them is a surface issue. Trying to
correct any of these permanently is often a frustrating waste of time and energy. So...
Why Can't Most Mates Communicate Effectively?
Is communication between mates the same as with any two
people? Yes and no. All adults and kids communicate to fill current needs (reduce
discomforts). Because
typical mates depend on each other to fill a unique set of relationship
- including emotional and physical intimacy,
is vital to their
partnership and their family's harmony and health. This is specially true if they're
preparing kids for adult independence.
From
over 40 years’
professional research, I propose that if you have significant “communication
problems” with your mate, one or both of you
have two primary problems...
-
you have
a
childhood. If so, you may be often dominated by a
and
not know it or what that
That
causes
unclear goals and plans, misunderstandings,
mis-assumptions,
and ineffective
inner
communication
Family
(psychological-wound
in this
non-profit Web site offers a powerful way to improve this. And also...
-
One or both of you are probably
of...
-
your respective
- specially in stressful situations;
-
your internal and mutual communication
and...
-
relationship
and communication basics, including seven Project-2
and the many
personal and social benefits they bring.
If you
partners haven’t
progressed on Project 1 together yet, reading this article and series will
probably not significantly improve your communication effectiveness. If you
have progressed on harmoni-zing your
of subselves
the options on the next page can help your
use the
seven skills to avoid and resolve significant communication
with
(a) your subselves,
(b) your mate, and
(c) other adults and kids.
What would your life be like if you could double your communication
effectiveness?
Pause, breathe well,
and notice your
(thought streams and emotions). Are your
subselves interested now, or
or bored?
Let's expand your awareness by reviewing...
What Do You Know About
Communicating?
Invest a few undistracted moments
in a self-assessment exercise. Start by defining a baseline:
On a scale of 1 (“I know
zero about communication”) to 10
(“I could teach a graduate-school course on
it to PhDs”), rank your communication
knowledge now: ___. Then rank
your partner’s: ___.
Can you
define
(vs. “open and honest”) communication?
From 1 to 10,
rank
your general communication effectiveness with your mate recently in
___ calm times and ___ significant conflicts. “10” is “consistently very
effective.” Then guesstimate what rank your partner would choose: ___ and
___.
Now see what you
know. Imagine what you would feel if you mates had to pass a test
to get an official license to live together. Options:
-
take this
quiz alone or with your partner,
and discuss it as you go.
-
notice (a) whether
(capital "S") is
your
as you answer, and (b) your
as you do.
-
answer the items out
loud, or write them down;
What did you just learn? If you and
your partner could easily answer all of these quiz items, what would change in your
home and lives?
Now you know
(some of) what you partners need to learn about
effective communication. How-ever, unless you’re a
veteran, you don’t know what would
happen if you learned and applied the quiz answers to your
(inner-family communication) and your relationships.
When your Self (capital "S") guides your
you’ll steadily get more of your needs met every
day, and be happier, calmer, and more productive. Can you imagine that?
Your
dominant subselves may
this. Even if they don’t, you busy mates
probably aren’t moti-vated now to explore what’s possible amidst your other
responsibilities and interests. If so, that means you two do your best, and
may endure
significantly ineffective communication without knowing it. It also
means you don’t model or teach effective communication skills to your
kids, or use the skills in
your needs and resolving conflicts
with ex-mates and relatives. Do these premises make sense to you?
If the premises
above apply to you, this article will offer you some
useful options. To grow your interest in trying the
options on the next page,
consider these three priceless…
Benefits
Think of several emotional, conflictual topics you and your mate
struggle with. Are there subjects
that you partners avoid, or feel “We just can’t discuss those without
fighting”? Now name topics
that you mates do communicate and problem-solve well on – i.e. you
both get your
met well
enough in a way that feels good enough to both of you. Recall vividly how
you feel when that happens.
Can you imagine “something” changing, and
feeling that special way discussing most or all difficult topics? Or - can
you imagine the communication
you two have now
gradually getting worse as you both age and your kids learn about
primary relationships from your behaviors?
| If you help each
other keep family
and
high priority and work patiently at them as
you two
can make the
first of these visions happen! |
Second,
how
important is it to you to help the kids in your life learn to communicate
effectively with themselves
and with other people? If you
rank this as “important,” do your recent actions dem-onstrate that?
Are you intentionally modeling and teaching your young people effective
communication
Is anyone else?
Third, think
of the people in your life with whom you have the most
family, social, and work-rela-ted stress (anxiety, conflict, confusion,
disappointment, frustration, boredom, and anger). If you could learn
communication skills that would (a) significantly improve your
relationship with each of them and (b) convert stress into satisfaction, would you
want to learn the skills?
# Status check:
are (a) harmonizing your inner family
of subselves and
(b) strengthening your
commun-ication effectiveness among your top five life priorities now? Are they consistently among
your partner’s top five? If not, what would have to change - specifically
- for you two to give these goals such personal and shared importance?
What if you choose not to make that
(core attitude) change?
Let’s look at a
brief example to make this less academic. First, read this summary of
communica-tion basics and return
here. If
control you, they’ll probably want you to ignore
that. (Typical thought stream: “Sounds boring. Do it later. Keep reading.”)
Your
(capital "S") is more apt to say something like “OK, let’s see what’s there.”
An Example
Let’s tune in on two
typical conflicted mates. When Larry says to his second wife
Penny "I'm angry that I don't have any say in our house with your son,"
communication processes occur in two domains:
A hidden
conference (thought
streams, images, feelings) among the busy
that caused
Larry's spoken sentence. His words, face, hands, voice, and body send Penny five concurrent
and...
the concurrent
reactions (thought
streams, images, associations, memories, emotions) among her
subselves, as his five messages arrive and her ruling subselves decode
their apparent meanings.
This happens every time you and your partner interact, verbally and non-verbally.
The good news is, in all situations there are two places you can improve
your communication effectiveness. The bad news: doing so can seem
bewilderingly complex, until you get the hang of it.
Each of these two
communication processes has a beginning (e.g. some subconscious and
con-scious needs in Larry), a middle (his speaking, voice dynamics,
and body signals), and an
i.e. whether his current
got met well enough or not.
His main
surface (conscious) needs in
making this statement to his wife might be: "I need you to (a) hear me now,
(b) understand that I need your help with something, and (c) be open to discussing
it cooperatively with me."
Larry’s several
primary needs underneath these might be "I need…
…to feel secure that I have some power in
my life to fill my needs;
…to respect myself by asserting, rather
than "being quiet" (and having my
sneer "You're
such a pathetic wimp!");” and “I also need…
…to feel that my feelings and needs
matter to you now."
To have this communication feel effective,
all three of these primary needs will have to be satisfied well enough, as judged by
Larry. That depends on his ruling subselves' perception of how Penny
responds.
What's Really Going On...
If you were Penny,
what would your surface (conscious) thoughts and needs be now? I'd be
thinking "I need to learn how upset Larry is. Is this a crisis, or
what?", and "Is he blaming me?" I also might need to decide
something like "Should I talk further now, or take the roast out
of the oven?"
Other subselves
are reacting, mostly below Penny’s conscious awareness:
-
Her
pronounces
acidly "See? You're a totally worthless wife, woman, and mother!"
-
Penny's
feels
a surge of worthlessness ("Oh! I'm a terrible person!");
-
Her
and
moan together "Larry's going to leave us!";
-
Her
says
anxiously "We must make Larry feel better: we need him to like us!"
-
Her
subself announces firmly
"Well I need to protect my son, and at times, I don't like the way Larry
treats him."
-
Her
subself blazes "How
dare he accuse us of being a bad wife? Shut up, you stupid Critic!"
-
Penny's
sneers
amidst the din "Larry is so weak and needy – he’s always
complaining about everything!"
-
Her
says "Now,
now, everyone; let's have that delicious piece of chocolate cake!"
-
Penny's common-sense
subself (or Self) says "Wait, everyone! Let's ask Larry to explain what
he needs."
-
Her
and
team up
to report dispassionately to the crowd "Every
time we dis-cuss this topic with Larry, we feel misunderstood and unheard,
and get into a fight. It never gets resolved."
-
Penny’s
says "Look,
that's a really expensive roast. Get it out of the oven now, or it'll be
ruined. We can talk to Larry over dinner."
-
Her
