The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/08/dead-ex.htm
Concluded...
We
just reviewed four potential primary problems that can cause a new
spouse to feel like they're competing with the ghost of their mate's dead
partner. If you have one or more of these problems, what can you do?
Options
-
You mates can prepare, then
act to identify and fill your respective needs, and nourish your relationship.
Prepare
Reading this
article is the first step
toward resolving your ex mate "ghost problem.” Doing so suggests that you
have significant unmet
Next…
Consciously adopt...
-
the shared belief
that “This is our problem, not yours or mine;” and...
-
a
long-range view - e.g. the next 25 years.
If your mate denies
that s/he’s half of the “ghost problem,” do these on your own without blame:
your and your mate’s
- ideally as
teammates.
Clarify
you two have
been trying to problem-solve your surface “dead mate” conflicts, without
blame or guilts. Option: try out this helpful
technique.
Together, review basic concepts about...
-
and
psychological
wounds and recovery
This includes learning
basics - particularly
-
effective communication skills
including
ways to resolve
and
conflicts and divisive relationship
-
analyzing
and resolving relationship
problems in general, and
marital problems in particular;
-
healthy three-level
and how to spot and
complete unfinished grief
And if appropriate, study...
-
stepfamily
norms,
realities, and
Once you progress well on these preparation
steps, you’re much more likely to resolve your "ghost problem" by some
version of these…
Action Options
Decide if the four primary
problems on p. 1
could apply to your situation. If not, this article may be of little help.
If so, select from the following to reduce them...
Start by
yourselves honestly for
false-self dominance and
wounds - i.e. work at family
together. If
well-meaning false selves govern either of you, they're apt to...
If your and your mate’s true Selves are
your
(personalities), the options below have the best chance of helping you each fill your
primary needs.
| Recall: when you feel some mix of calm, centered,
energized, light, focused, resilient, up,
grounded, relaxed, alert, aware, serene,
purposeful, strong, and clear, your Self (capital "S") is probably leading your
inner family of subselves. Do you feel these now? |
Next: When you feel your Self is solidly in
charge, courageously evaluate whether one or both of you made
by
honestly reviewing
If your subselves did choose unwisely,
the options below may not be your best investment of time and effort.
Wrong
courtship choices often can’t be undone, despite prayers,
determination, counseling, and/or desperate
changes. If you’re
controlled by a false self, you’ll probably (a) defer or avoid this scary evaluation,
(b) do it superficially or (c) discount your conclusions.
I met with Todd alone and with Louise for
many therapy sessions. It became clear to me that both had major false-self
and that Louise was not ready to...
-
admit her wounds
and the childhood
that caused them,
-
protect her kids from divorce by
putting her remarriage
their
(non-emergency) needs, or...
-
grieve her agonizing
I believe Todd (i.e. his false self) had married the
(wounded wife + kids
+ dead ex + rela-tives) and was protectively
that. Despite my
best efforts, the tragic outcome was several years of increasing stepfamily strife, which
added to the adults' and kids' wounds and promoted Louise’s sudden heart failure before her 40th
birthday. This followed the couple having a baby with Downs syndrome.
If you feel one or both of
you made wrong commitment choices, then re-evaluate your needs, prior-ities, and
options.
Your most crucial relationship problem is probably not competing with
a ghost for mar-ital priority.
Now you’re in a place to clarify what you
mates really need. Your challenge here is to accept that what you
each think you need (e.g. “I need my wife to take
down those pictures of her dead husband.”) is only a symptom of
several deeper needs like these:
“I
need to feel my mate spontaneously
cares enough about my feelings and needs, and our relationship, to sacrifice
some other needs she has without guilt, remorse, or resentment. I also
need…
…to respect myself in how I act
in this complex situation, and I need…
…to maintain credible hope that we can resolve this
together peacefully without creating major new problems.”
And
below these are your
"I need to…
-
value (love) myself more,
-
feel more secure (from what?),
-
feel realistic hope for our future, and
to…
-
choose full responsibility for
filling these needs."
Reality check: does each of these feel like
something you need now? Are there
primary needs you want to add?
Your mate’s behaving like the
examples above
suggests that s/he really needs now to avoid the
potentially overwhelming pain of (a) going through the
of grief,
and (b) accepting the full implications of her or his former partner’s death.
This implacably suggests that s/he is ruled by a well-meaning
which is causing (c) protective denials of
incomplete grief and other
If
your partner won’t
honestly
for
these, and/or isn’t
genuinely self-motivated to
(i.e. won’t join you in doing
family
that’s further evidence of inner-family anarchy and significant early-child-hood
To reality-check this,
ask your mate to
read this article, or read it out loud to each other and discuss it.
Reluctance to ask suggests a false self controls you. If you ask and
your partner...
-
acknowledges s/he’s having trouble grieving
her former mate, and...
-
agrees spontaneously to begin the preparation steps above, then...
...see where that leads you two. Ideally, it will lead you to do (at least)
as true part-ners in
healing, while balancing your many other responsibilities and goals
If you
that your partner
do these steps and projects, you risk that her false self will do them out of duty or
fear (i.e. make temporary
rather than
from genuine self-motivation.
If either of you (a) discount
the "ghost problem" or (b)
the preparation steps or do them superficially, that suggests false
selves are in charge. Those protective subselves currently value something higher
than resolving this relationship problem.
If your partner doesn’t spontaneously
choose to work with you on filling your respective primary needs, then
consider
these realities:
You
can't make your
mate want to reduce false-self wounds
and grieve well, any more than you can reorder the Seasons. You
can...
-
intentionally build a home and relationship environment that
healthy mourning,
-
respectfully confront your mate with your perception
that s/he’s not finished grieving,
-
work patiently on your own wound-reduction, and...
-
and
your primary needs and
.
Demanding or pleading that your partner grieve, or manipulating him or
her toward that goal, will surely increase your inner and partnership
stresses.
Only
you can truly satisfy your
primary needs
to feel lovable, valuable, and secure in the world. Hoping
or expecting your mate to satisfy those needs for you will inexorably cause
disappointment, frustration, and resentment. If you were raised to devalue
your own unique-ness, talents, and worth
and/or
too often), your challenge and opportu-nity is to change
yourself, not
your mate.
If you're not honestly motivated to
refocus on harmonizing your personality subselves yet, keep doing variations of what you've
been doing (above), and nonjudgmentally note whether that fills your primary needs. We
of unintended childhood neglect don't commit to true personal
wound-reduction until
the daily pain, weariness, and despair feel unendurable (i.e. we hit
More Options
You probably have
many concurrent
personal and family stressors - specially if you're in a stepfam-ily. Invest time in
and
them to avoid
“riding off in all directions” and/or feeling
Use
this and
this as resources.
If
your
prior mate died
prematurely, ask your present partner if s/he feels like s/he’s
competing with a ghost. If so, one or both of you are probably ruled by a
false self. Work patiently at
together.
Put a copy of these wise
where you can see them
often, and use them
to help you de-cide and accept what you can and cannot change.
Develop a
personal Bill of Rights
and use it often to (a) clarify your
needs and limits, and (b) help you
them
effectively. Encourage others you care about to do
the same.
Test your understanding of the
difference between first order (superficial) and second-order (core
attitude)
by explaining and illustrating it to
an older child or another adult.
Then use your under-standing to guide you in assessing what role and
relationship changes
you’re trying to make, and whe-ther they're temporary or permanent. False-selves
usually focus on first-order (superficial) changes, and want to justify, minimize, or
deny that.
Give
copies of this and related articles to your key supporters, including any clergy,
counselors, and/or lawyers you're using now. Do this to inform them and promote
win-win
not to "prove" something (like "See, I'm right")
or to manipulate ("So this expert says you have to...").
Also see these
More action options...
Choose to change your
attitude about your mate and your
situation, and the related words you use to think and speak. For example,
change your thoughts and speech to something like "My mate isn't ready to
grieve (their former partner) yet" from whatever you've been thinking
and saying.
If you've been blaming your partner or yourself for something,
try seeing you or them as
and unaware, vs. bad, selfish, thoughtless, insensitive, uncaring, sick, or
wrong
("I’m 1-up”). If you have trouble with this, read and apply “Embracing Your
Inner Critic,” by Hal and Sidra Stone.
Study your
of subselves
and
try seeing your mate as several “people” (active subselves) in one
body, without branding them sick or crazy. One subself
genuinely does love and prize you, and another needs to stay emotionally and
spiritually attached to their dead mate (or someone else) to avoid the agony of really
their losses. You can
tell your partner you’re doing this or not.
Consider nonjudgmentally how
your mate's need to avoid grieving is affecting each minor and grown
child in your lives. Are any kids
in mourning that death? What
do they need? Is your mate's un-finished grief somehow linked to protecting a child
(or someone) from expected agony? ("I can't show my sadness and rage,
because it would scare or upset Alex too much. S/He already has too much to
car-ry..."). Review kids'
typical
needs and co-parent
and use the ideas
in them to help you focus and prioritize your time and energy.
Consider using a professional
counselor to help you...
-
clarify what your primary needs are (vs. how to
change your mate), and...
-
how to
to fill more of your needs
while helping key others fill theirs.
Review these selected
readings to find other sources of help for you and your partner (if s/he
wants
help!)
As you do your version of these
preparation and action steps, use
this
and
this as resources to
help you decide when you have done all that you can, and what your other
relationship options are.
Did you realize how many action-options you
have with your “ghost problem”? There are probably other viable choices in your
unique situation. What are your inner voices
now? Which
subselves are the most reactive? Is your Self
Recap
A minority of U.S. first-marriages end
when one mate dies. If the widow/er commits to a new
rela-tionship before s/he and any kids grieve their losses well enough, the
new partner usually becomes in-creasingly dissatisfied, concerned, and
resentful, over time.
They (you?) can feel caught in an impossible competition with a ghost
for marital primacy and family respect. My
27-year clinical
experience suggests that incomplete grief of mate-death and many other
losses (broken bonds) is one of
of marital
and family stress.
Incomplete grief can be a symptom of several
underlying problems:
-
the widow/er is often
ruled by a false
self, and doesn't know it;
-
the new partner (you) is too, and is
unaware of it or what it
-
the family
doesn't encourage healthy three-level mourning; and..
-
couples are probably not aware of their
and relationship
basics.
As long as your partner's
subselves need to avoid grieving the losses (plural) from the death of their former mate, you or others can't make
them grieve. You also can't ask or make them make you feel more
consistently loved, prized, and special. Only you can do that over
time, with courage, patience, and ap-propriate help.
This
article (a) outlines
typical surface ex-mate “ghost” problems (symptoms), including your atti-tudes and behaviors,
and (b) suggests their probable underlying causes. One of these is the sobering
possibility that one or both of you mates made up to three
The
article
outlines key preparation and action options you have to fill your
primary needs. Though you can't change your mate or grieve for him or her,
there is much you can do! The best first step is to
commit to
honestly, with informed helpers
guided by their true Selves.
