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family relationships and
preventing divorce.
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mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll
all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
In
every age and culture, men and women have chosen a partner to fill a mix
of primary
In most cultures, the man has had the option of
divorcing his partner for various reasons. In Western cul-tures, women have
recently gained some independence socially and financially, including the right to divorce their husband. Other couples have chosen to remain
committed through tough times from neces-sity and/or moral conviction.
Despite initial
love and commitment, various
eventually destroy the
committed relationship
of millions of
American couples who commit psychologically or legally. From
29 years' clinical research and experience, this article
offers perspective and options if...
you’re considering legal divorce (i.e. you
may already be psychologically divorced); or...
you're already separated and/or are
legally.
This complex topic
merits it’s own book, so
this article
focuses on
two vital questions:
“Have we
done everything possible to avoid legal divorce?” and…
“If so,
how
can we intentionally evolve a successful
divorce for all our sakes?”
+ + +
From 28 years' research and clinical experience, this article
offers...
-
perspective on marriage and divorce,
-
four reasons for the American divorce
epidemic,
-
30 alternatives to legal divorce - for all
couples and stepfamily couples;
-
a definition of a
successful divorce;
-
ideas
on picking effective professional mediators and
legal consultants;
-
things to
consider if you're already
divorcing, including …
-
summaries of what your
minor kids and your
parents probably need while you mates heal
or reorganize your relationship and family.
This article assumes you're
familiar with these ideas...
Perspective on Marriage and Divorce
Try saying your definition of "relationship" out loud. Compare it to this
premise: a relationship exists when the presence and behaviors of one
person "significantly affects" the thoughts, feelings, and wholis-tic health
of another person (in someone's opinion)
- temporarily or over time.
Now try saying your definition of "marriage" or "primary relationship" out
loud. Then say your past or current partner's definition. How
would your childhood caregivers have defined these? What do you notice?
Divorce is meaningless
without understanding "marriage" or "committed primary
relationship." Let's say that modern
marriage is mutual semi-conscious
attraction and bonding between two mates who each seek to fill (satisfy) a
mosaic of special
This occurs following voluntary "courtship," where a couple
discovers unique pleasure and satisfaction (need fulfillment) from being with each other.
This was often not true in older cultures that favored marriages arranged by
parents or clans.
The ancient institution of marriage
continues to evolve. Traditionally, marriage has been sanctioned by a
religious and social ceremony where each mate publically vows commitment to the other and per-haps to a Higher Power. A relatively recent variation
following the U.S. divorce epidemic is
re/marriage, where a new stepparent may include vows to nurture her or his
partner's existing children. The "/" notes that it may be the stepparent's
first union.
Eleven key variables that
affect the quality of
modern marriages are...
-
each
mate's
(minor to major
and
(low to high);
-
each mate's expectations of themselves
and their partner
(realistic > unrealistic), and...
-
their respective abilities to...
-
the degree of mutual
respect (low to high) and mutual
(pseudo to genuine, and weak to strong) between the mates;
-
the shared degrees of personal commitment to and
of the relationship (pseudo to genuine, and low to high); and...
-
the degree of each mate's dependence on the
other (low to high);
-
the compatibility of mates' basic values,
and interests (low to high);
-
the degrees of sensual and sexual desire,
sensitivity, empathy, and enjoyment (low to high);
and
the compound effects of all of these on...
These variables change as mates age and
their environment evolves. This guarantees that the quality and satisfaction
of every relationship is dynamic, over time. Think of your own primary relation-ship/s. Do these variables "fit"? Would you add any factor to
this list? How do you feel about not including "love" as a primary variable
here?
Marital bonding is an organic mix of affection, respect,
companionship, concern, and interest - usually including sexual desire. Many people call this mix
love, which is a relatively new basis for
court-ship and marriage in the Western world. Previous motivations for marriage were
political, economic, reli-gious, and to socially legitimize sexual intercourse and child
conceptions.
|
Some
people are psychologically unable to bond and love, and become
expert at
this (pseudo bonding).
Two such people can form a stable, shallow (inde-pendent)
relationship, while less-wounded partners may become
dissatisfied. |
"Marital commitment" usually means that each mate consciously intends
to stay in the relation-ship regardless of serious dissatisfaction, stress,
or hardships. For some mates, commitment varies with age, familiarity, and
stress, despite their original vows. Often, commitment includes the intent
to choose
sexual fidelity despite periodic temptations.
The level and durability of marital
commitment depends on whether each partner's
or a dominant
vowed not to quit. Divorce implies that at least one partner has lost
their original hope, bond, and commitment to their relationship. Do you
agree?
Every primary relationship can be placed somewhere between...
-
independent ("I don't
need much from you"), to...
-
interdependent ("I can
live well enough without you, and I want to live with you"),
to...
-
dependent
("I'm need a lot from you all the time.")
If you
have a mate now, where would you place your relationship in this range?
Where would s/he place it?
American couples with and without prior kids are increasingly choosing to
commit and cohabit without a formal church or civil ceremony. One
implication is that the traditional Christian belief that mar-riage includes a sacred,
binding pledge to God is waning in our society.
Also, public and legal recognition of (or at least tolerance for)
same-gender
marriages is growing, despite traditional moral and relig-ious disapproval.
For perspective, see this
recent study about the fra-gility of typical unmarried families.
This is a skeletal perspective on some aspects of contemporary Western
"marriage" and "primary committed relationships." Would
you add anything to it? Lets use this perspective
now to explore....
Most discussions, materials, and programs on divorce focus mainly on
the people, events, and time-period aiming to end a legal marriage
contract. This focus can be significantly misleading
because
legal dissolution is only
of the full multi-year
[personal + social]
divorce process.
Premise - parents and family supporters can fill their and
their kids' needs better if
everyone is clear on what "divorce" refers to.
Think of one or more people you care about who "are divorced."
Then compare your definition of "divorce" to this...
What Does "Divorce" Mean?
Our English word divorce comes from the Latin verb
divertere, which meant "to turn aside." The con-cept of divorce is as ancient as human
marriage. Depending on who you are and what you need,
the noun or verb divorce can refer to...
-
a complex, multi-year
psychological process, and...
-
a source of major
invisible and
physical losses (broken bonds) that need patient grieving, and...
-
a source of significant adult
and...
-
a major change in personal
and...
-
a
painful, powerful learning experience,
and...
-
a
difficult social adjustment
process, and...
-
an expensive, draining
legal
process, and...
-
a courtroom and legal
event,
and...
-
a major
financial-reorganization process, and...
-
an important
process, and...
-
a human-service focus, and...
-
a high-interest media focus
(for some people),
and...
-
a disturbing symptom of widespread
in our culture, and...
-
an opportunity, for
those who sell divorce-adjustment and prevention services and materials.
How does this compare to your definition?
If you don't need more detail on
these, go to page 2.
More Detail
1) Divorce is the gradual
psychological process in mates, minor and adult
kids, and caring supporters, of losing...
-
respect, trust, and caring for a
loved or esteemed person,
-
emotional and possibly financial security,
-
person al and family identity and pride,
-
hope for improvement, and...
-
motivation to keep trying.
This painful,
multi-level change process starts well before, and lasts well beyond,
granting a legal divorce decree. It often spans 10 to 20+ years. This
complex multi-level process is often extended and amplified by
legal conflicts
and related hostilities. And...
2) The divorce process causes
major
tangible and
invisible losses (broken
bonds) for adults
and kids which
require patient
mentally +
psychologically + (for some
people) spiritually. Adults and kids from
families often have trouble
mourning these and other
losses. This silently pro-motes significant health, relationship, and
psychological stresses.
For people who can form genuine (vs. pseudo)
grieving
(accepting) all the changes and loss-es from the divorce process
takes many years. I believe incomplete grief is one of
for the silent U.S.
(re)divorce epidemic that now wounds
millions of average adults and kids. And
3)
Divorce is also
a cause of significant
adult
and
feeling a “failure” in one or both mates and perhaps their kids and
bioparents. These feelings are specially powerful in
adults and kids in or from a
low-nurturance childhood. And "divorce" usually means…
4)
A change in the personal
identity of each mate and affected child:
e.g.
-
“Yesterday, I was a wife (husband). Today, I’m a single divorced wo/man;”
-
"I used to belong to a normal family. Now my
Mom left and we're not normal."
This
identity-shift can significantly affect how each mate, child, and special other
people (like grandpar-ents) feel about themselves and each other. And divorce
is also…
5) A
powerful learning experience which shapes future
(a) choices of new
mate (if any), and (b) expectations about dating and re/marriage. (“I no
longer believe ‘til death do us part,’ and ‘our love will see us through’.”)
Minor kids may learn from parental separation that "The way to handle
marriage prob-lems is to leave (or make your mate leave), no matter what the
kids need." And divorce is…
6) The complex, painful
social process of reorganizing the
relationships and rankings of family and friends, as two mates and any
kids and bonded relatives separate psychologically, physically, and legally.
This includes complex, stressful changes in the roles and relationships among
all members of the multi-generational biofamily or
including name-changes, wills, insurance, and
identities. This multi-level reorganization causes a web of losses (broken
bonds) in adults and kids that requires a
environment to accept, over
time.
And divorce also means…
7)
The
legal process resulting in dissolution of
contractual marital responsibilities. In contested divorces, competing lawyers usually amplify the
conflict between partners. This adds hurts and resent-ments that often take
years to heal. That...
-
lowers the
of their post-divorce
family,
-
strengthens
in all concerned, and...
-
lowers the
success odds of later remarriages.
This legal process also involves
negotiating complex, conflictual
changes in responsibilities and asset ownership, like home and car
titles, savings accounts and debts, insurance coverages, and wills.
And "divorce" can also refer to…
8)
The courtroom event that ends the legal phase
of the process and results in a
legal document decreeing that partners are no longer subject to local laws and
obligations as married mates. If biokids are involved, the decree or a related
often defines
co-parenting responsibilities and behaviors.
This decree usually affects the roles and rights of any future new mates
(stepparents), who have little
ability to amend it. In a re/divorce, stepparents usually have few or no
legal rights or responsibilities to their stepkids, depending on state laws.
The "/" in re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union.
And "divorce" is also…
9) A
major financial-reorganization process, in which all family members
have to reappraise...
-
their attitudes, priorities, and behaviors about...
-
earning, spending, investing, and saving, and bequeathing money and wealth, and
about...
-
who is responsible for paying for what, for which
family members.
"Money"
seems to be one of the top
three surface (secondary) stressors in typical American
families and
stepfamilies. And "divorce" can refer to...
10)
The
process
of (a) reconciling the several processes above with a Higher Power, and (b)
formally proclaiming that a spiritually-sanctioned union is dissolved. Each
church denomi-nation has its own stance on "sundering" holy marital vows.
Divorcing
Catholic couples must obtain a ruling from a church tribunal affirming
that there are accep-table reasons for dissolving their vows to each other and
to God. This formal annulment process is often long and arduous,
increasing the agony of the overall divorce process.
It can evoke intense
embarrassment (public shame), and anxiety in the partners
and their religious relatives and friends. These can hinder personal and
family
and
from false-self
promoting low family
nurturance and more wounding.
And on a social level, "divorce" is...
11) A
human-service focus, and a capitalistic or humanitarian opportunity
for thousands of people and organizations who want to help divorcing-family
members for profit and/or altruistic satisfaction. The number of local "divorce support,
"divorce recovery," and "single-parent" groups and programs surely number in
the thousands across our land. My impression is that the number of
divorce prevention ("marriage
enrichment") programs is far fewer.
See
www.smartmarriages.com for a
helpful
array of the latter.
Finally, divorce and re/divorce are …
12) Symptoms that one or both partners picked the wrong
to
commit to, at the wrong
for the wrong
The recent ~47% U.S.
first-divorce rate and (probably) higher re/divorce rate impla-cably suggest widespread
psychological wounding and ignorance in our population and ancestors.
This implies epidemic
and
in our society
(you?), our family laws, and the programs that train our
clergy, lawyers, judges, clinicians, and family-life educators. And...
|
A
second or third divorce implies the person is still (a) dominated by a
and unaware of (b) their psychological wounds,
(c) their recovery options, (d) key
and (e) their unawarenesses.
|
Reflect: Have you ever seen all the
meanings of divorce in one place before? What does the above mean to you and those you care about now?
Continue
with practical alternatives to divorce
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