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Should We
Divorce?
- p. 2 of 5
Perspective
and 30 Alternatives
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
|
 The
Web address of this five-page article is http://sfhelp.org/08/divorce1.htm
 What
Are Typical Effects of Divorce?
Typical impacts
of the multi-year divorce
process vary by person, family, and circumstance, but some are
widespread:
-
gradual shifting from
marital and family hope and
optimism to pessimism and possible despair (loss of key
dreams and expectations);
-
prolonged periods of anxieties, confusions,
guilts, frustrations, hurts, and resentments among adults and kids,
including concerned relatives and key friends;
-
complex sets of tangible and invisible
that require months or years for each
affected family adult and child to grieve well;
-
temporary or chronic loss of self-respect
and/or mutual respect in some family members;
-
one or both divorcing partners - and maybe
their parents - feeling significant regret and guilts for various
reasons. Unresolved
may lower self-respect and hinder (a)
grieving, (b) co-parental teamwork, and (c) forming new bonds.
And
the multi-level divorce process can promote...
-
major shifts in, and disputes over,
financial security and asset ownerships. One or both ex mates and
custodial kids' financial security may drop significantly for many
months after marital separation; and...
-
family members and key
friends may form adversarial groups, which reduces
support and adds conflicts for some or all adults and
kids; and...
-
possible lose-lose
legal battles
over property and
parenting settlements, which inexorably amplify original disputes
and
to child-care cooperation;
and another effect is the...
-
psychological
of minor children,
(a) possibly slowing or blocking their normal
development; and (b)
creating a group of
difficult
adjustment needs which they don't understand, and need informed adult help to fill;
and divorce causes...
If
you have divorced, or know someone who has, can you identify other
significant personal and social impacts of marital and family dis-integration?
When Does a Divorce
Start and End?
Many people say "It begins when one mate calls a lawyer." I propose that
psychological divorce starts years earlier, when one partner admits
significant marital discomfort - i.e. anxiety, hurt, anger, frustration,
distrust, irritation, and disrespect. A purist may say that divorce really
starts when a needy adult makes impulsive,
uninformed commitment
The
proposed divorce phases above suggests that the divorce process
ends only when the adult or child who is slowest at adjusting to
personal and family changes regains their personal balance,
finishes grieving, and
fully resumes stable focus on their present and future life.
Implication - because many psychologically-
divorce
and their families are unable to grieve well, their divorce-adjustment phase
may not truly end until the adults
and admit and start to
("recover from") their wounds. This delayed adjustment may manifest as
clinical or chronic
promiscuity, obesity,
significant health and/or parenting problems, and impul-sive remarriage
and/or cohabiting.
What
is "Divorce Adjustment"?
A couple's three-phase, multi-year divorce process may be said to
start...
When the divorcing person/s
first began to automatically form a protective
to
a
childhood; or...
When two
idealistic,
adults
commit to the wrong
partner, for the wrong reasons,
at the wrong time; or divorce can be said to start...
When one or both mates
begin to psychologically distance (weaken their
and com-mitment) because they
(a) feel their relationship-needs are not met well
enough (i.e. they can't problem-solve effectively), and they (b) see no hope for improvement; or
divorce starts...
When one mate
calls an attorney.
Premise: a family's multi-level
divorce process ends when all affected adults and kids have...
-
filled a set of
adjustment needs,
-
truly accepted (grieved) their losses
(broken bonds) on all
and
have...
-
stabilized their inner and outer lives and
relationships, and have...
-
clearly resumed their normal
developmental growth and life activities.
How
Long Can Divorce Take?
In most cases, divorce upsets the whole
not just a couple. So "divorce
adjustment" refers to the process required for all members to grieve their
losses and stabilize changes in their roles, identities,
relationships, rituals, activities and assets.
Research suggests that
full family adjustment can take typical kids and adults many years after a
divorce decree is signed (vs. after the divorce began). If the pre- and post-legal phases of the full
divorce process are included, the
process may easily take a decade or more to stabilize for average kids and
co-parents:
psychological
divorce period |
+ |
legal-divorce
period |
+ |
post-decree
adjustment period
|
<- - - - - - - - - 10 or more years - - - - - - - - - - ->
|
|
This
suggests that it's more
realistic to describe co-parents, kids, and bonded relatives as
divor-cing, vs. divorced at any point in this long process.
This adjective can offset the need to deny or min-imize the uncomfortable causes and impacts of full divorce as soon as
possible - which can hinder healthy
|
Realistically, identifying the "impacts of divorce" must include how the
months or years of
psychological-divorce
affect the
of each extended-family adult and child. This effect can be
generalized as:
-
divorce-stress promotes
in some or all family members, which...
-
lowers
the
of the divorcing family a little to a lot.
In
my professional experience since 1979,
a high percentage of
typical American co-parents cohabit
or re/wed
after mate death or legal divorce. They do this from
+
+ an unconscious desire to avoid the pain of full
divorce recovery.
Many (wounded) young adults marry too soon and later
divorce psychologically or legally, for many reasons. The net effect is:
the three phases of divorce probably stress more
American lives than AIDS or cancer. What's your opinion?
After 30 years'
research, I believe many researchers, clinicians, authors, and divorcing people
over-focus on the impacts of the legal divorce process and event, and
minimize or ignore the false-self wounds +
unawareness +
that cause it.
Many learned
studies, laws, and lay books and articles focus on the “effects of (legal) divorce”
- and overlook or discount the
underlying psychological wounding that starts
in the ex mates’
childhoods. I've seen no studies of the developmental and social effects of psychological
(non-legal) divorce on persons, families, and our society - have you?
Based on the above and
many years' clinical
experience with hundreds of average (Midwestern, Anglo) divorcing families and stepfamilies, I recommend
adults work patiently at (a)
to promote true-Self wisdom, awareness,
and leadership; (b) improving their Project-2
and (c) help each other stay clear on which of the many meanings of divorce
they're using in their discussions and decisions.
"Divorce" is far more
than a courtroom event and legal document!
What Causes Most Divorces?
A superficial explanation of divorce is "Mates just can't get along well enough." That
really means
mates can't find an effective way to problem-solve and fill their
relationship needs well enough, often enough.
Premise -
every
modern divorce is a symptom of four related primary problems:
-
one or both mates
are significantly
(psychologically) from childhood deprivations, and
they don't (want to ) know this or what it
Sometimes this means they haven't completed
important
prior
(broken bonds).
And...
-
most mates aren't aware of their respective
and don't know how to
and
(fill their needs) effectively.
Together, these two factors cause...
-
many needy, unaware courting couples to
commit to wounded, unaware
for the wrong
at the wrong
- which usually can't be undone; and
overall...
-
our society (the public) allows
this dynamic to continue without meaningful regulation
- e.g. coup-les don't have to demonstrate to any informed
authority that they're (a) healing their wound and (b) committed to learning
effective communication, grieving, and parenting before cohabiting and con-ceiving
and/or raising kids.
This ensures that the inherited, toxic [wounds + unawareness]
silently
passes on to the next generation, and spreads and weakens our society
|
If this four-factor premise is true, then
most divorce can be
prevented! This
nonprofit Web site offers practical perspective, options, and
resources to (a) break the unseen [wounds + ignorance]
(b) evolve
families, and (c)
prevent psychological
and legal divorce. |
Why can't typical conflicted
couples problem-solve?
Premises - All animal behavior occurs to reduce current and
anticipated needs - i.e. emotional, physical, and spiritual
discomforts, like hunger, cold, fear, pain, frustration, shame, and confusion. Most
adults and all kids are used to responding to surface symptoms rather
than identifying and reducing the
that cause their discomforts. For perspective on this universal dynamic, scan this
article.
Applied to typical divorces, this premise becomes:
most dissatisfied mates fruitlessly
focus on trying to "fix" surface symptoms like these, rather than
on identifying and avoiding or reducing the first two primary causes above:
This mis-focusing is compounded if typical mates
don't know
effective-communication basics and
and (b) aren't motivated to learn
them. This seems to be our national norm..
Is Re/divorce Different Than First Divorce?
No
and yes. No, because it's
the same (a) emotional, legal, financial, psycho-spiritual process causing
(b) major losses and lifestyle changes;
which (c) upset and hurt adults, kids, and society, and (d) take years to
adjust to. The "/" in re/divorce notes that it may be one partner's first.
Yes re/divorce is
significantly different, because the second (or third)
time someone says “I quit"…
-
it's far harder to
dodge personal responsibility for this ending; and…
-
admitting the personal
identity of “I’m twice (or thrice) divorced” can invoke greater
embarrassment, and self-doubt; and…
-
the intense guilt, grief, remorse, and shame typical
parents feel at subjecting their kids to another family trauma is often
beyond description; and…
-
divorce-initiators “know the
legal and social ropes,” and may feel less confusion, hesitation, and doubt than the first
time; and…
-
re/divorce occurs later in personal and family
life cycles, so
mates' assets, priorities, wisdom, and other things are
significantly different. For instance...
Typical re/divorcers are in early to late middle age
(35 - 55). Careers may have peaked or be in full bloom. Retirement and death
are often no longer remote concepts. Supportive bioparents may be retired, infirm, or
dead. Kids are older and more independent, and may have their own kids. Health
and related expenses have probably become a bigger personal concern.
may be deeper, and
personal
from
control may
have begun or progressed. Finances may or may not be "comfortable." Assets are
(usually) greater than first divorce, and dividing ownership may be more
conflictual.
Some women are more financially independent. Covering kids'
college education ex-penses and bequests to grandkids can become significant
conflicts. Rejoining the "dating scene" seems far more unappealing.
Typically, living "the golden years" alone is an awful prospect.
These combined differences justify using
re/divorce
to differentiate the process from a first legal breakup. It's estimated that about 90% of recent
U.S. re/marriages follow one or both mates' prior divorces, vs. spouse
death. Around 1900 the ratio was
just the reverse.
+++
I hope these ideas expand your awareness
and help you wisely evaluate whether to dis-integrate your family
relationships or not. Your decisions about if, why, when, and how to divorce
are among the most impactful in your and your descendents’ lives.
Because the short and long-term effects of
legal divorce
are so impactful, it's in everyone's best interest for each
partner to feel
they have exhausted every other option. Fantasies and threats about
"calling a lawyer" signal
that emotions are high, so rational
patience, and effective
are probably
impaired. For all your sakes, how can you raise the
odds that you're not deciding to split impulsively and/or in ignorance? Use the
following options to raise your odds...
checklist to...
-
raise your self and mutual awareness,
-
affirm the divorce-evaluation steps you've already taken, and
to...
-
identify and discuss new options.
Alternatives to Legal Divorce
The options below are
grouped as primary and secondary. The primary options address the most
probable combined roots of your relationship discontent: significant
psychological wounds + ineffective communication + incomplete grief + unwise
commitment choices. The first three of these can be im-proved
if you
both are willing to change some key things about yourselves.
These
alternatives are presented for (a) all couples, and for (b) stepfamily mates. As you review them, notice your
thoughts and feelings. Those that cause your strongest reactions are
probably the most relevant to your unique situation.
You'll get the
best payback from your checklist-time if you're mentally,
emotionally, and physically undistracted. Underline or highlight, make margin
notes, and/or journal as you go. Take weeks to explore these
options - ideally as partners!
If
some of these ideas are unclear or
new to you, follow the links
and study each main idea. Then thoughtfully edit, apply, or reject it. There
are no concepts here that you can't understand if you study them patiently.
| If you use this checklist with a professional, your best bet is a veteran
marriage counselor famil-iar with childhood
trauma, incomplete grieving, effective communication skills,
couples
therapy, divorce, and
- if appropriate - stepfamily
realities. Experience
provi-ding some form of
Voice Dialog,
Imago, or
Psychosynthesis
therapy is a valuable bonus! |
Suggestion - read all these alternatives before following any
links. Then go back and follow each relevant link to evaluate the ideas and
options they lead to. Take your time!
Choose an undistracted place and time, and check to
see if your
is
your
If
not, you may have a distorted reaction to these divorce options. If your
true Self is not guiding you, make
your top priority.
Pause and notice your thoughts and feelings. Recall why you
began reading this - are you getting what you need so far?
 Continue
with 30 practical alternatives to divorce...
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Updated
January 05, 2009
|