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Divorce alternatives for all couples,
continued...
Option
21) Do a "guilt
check." One or both of you may be carrying excessive or unwarranted
about your feelings, attitudes, or behaviors toward your partner. If so,
that can skew or complicate your decision-making process. Meditate and
honestly inventory (list) any significant guilts you're feeling now -
including any that stem from your childhood and/or religious faith.
"Significant" is a judgment call.
Then
apply these ideas to each guilt you feel
is "significant" to validate it, update it, or let it go. Then see if
forgiving yourself or someone else (like
your partner) would release your guilt.
22) Try physical separation. Instead
of imagining living apart, you can learn valuable realities by experiencing
it without committing to an expensive, grueling legal re/divorce. A
family-law attorney can advise you about legal separation options. Options:
-
View marital separation as an investment vs. a punishment (manipulation) or
an escape.
-
Separate for five days / two weeks
/
some months...
-
about your experience,
and learn from the process...
-
Go to a retreat location to minimize distractions and optimize meditations and
clear awareness.
-
(Re)read
these resources...
-
Before or during separation, form some clear
goals - e.g. like learning...
"How does living apart actually feel, vs. what I thought
it would be like?"
"What specific
reliefs do I experience? What
new
anxieties, guilts, and hurts?"
"How, specifically, does this exploratory lifestyle seem
to affect each of our resident and visiting kids? (e.g. less tension,
different, or
more?)"
"How does this experience affect my attitude and
motivation about legal divorce?"
“What am I learning about my real values,
and
"Am I letting some other peoples' needs
and values shape my decisions?"
"Who's
these questions - my
or
A
final alternative for all couples is...
23) If you're a
parent, part of your complex evaluation process is
“What marital options are best in the long term for our
kids and grandkids?” To help answer that wisely, meditate on and
discuss these...
-
kids' normal
developmental needs, and...
-
up to
four sets of concurrent family-adjustment
needs that typical kids of divorce and parental re/marriage must fill - often without informed adult help.
Then...
-
assess each of your kids’ status with each relevant
need,
-
try to
imagine how each of your main marriage options (separate, divorce, stay
together) would most help each
child fill their mix of needs until they live on their own, and...
-
what are your current
and how do you rank them compared to your kids' needs?
Premise - "staying together for the kids' sakes" is
usually harmful, long term. It prolongs a
environment, which inexorably promotes psychological wounds, blocked grief, ineffective communication skills, and many secondary
problems. There are exceptions.
For more perspective, read “How it Feels
When Parents Divorce” by Jill Krementz, and “Second Chances,” by Judith Wallerstein
and Sandra Blakeslee.
Note that their books are about first (biofamily) divorce,
not re/divorce.
24) Is your
divorce evaluation affected
by internal or interpersonal conflicts over religion, church, God,
worship, or
If so,
note the difference between religion,
which has to do with church practices, rules, scriptures, and public worship;
and
spirituality, which is about
your personal faith and relationship with your Higher Power and/or Spiritual Guides.
Usually such conflicts are
.
Divorce Alternatives for
Stepfamily Couples
My personal and professional experience suggests that typical stepfamily
relationships are signifi-cantly more stressful and complex than first
marriages without existing kids. The requisites for a
mutu-ally-satisfying primary relationship are the same in any setting - and
the human environment around aver-age stepfamily mates is
very different.
Sociologists steadily estimate that second and third U.S. mar-riages fail
legally more often than first unions..
To best understand the options below, first review...
-
these stepfamily basics (slides
or text), and (b) what these basics
mean. Then...
-
review these common stepfamily
stressors, and...
-
this example of
a real American stepfamily.
If you're a re/married
stepfamily co-parent (stepparent and/or bioparent), the 23 divorce
alternatives above all apply to you. So do these:
24)
If you or your mate insist that
you're not a stepfamily and one or both of you has a living child from a
prior relationship, some of your marital distress may come from
unrealistic (i.e. biofamily) role and relationship expectations. These can be
corrected by...
-
accepting your
and...
-
wanting to
learn stepfamily basics
and
and
to...
-
intentionally use these to form realistic
role and relationship expectations. Option: use this
work-sheet to test
whether both of you really accept your stepfamily identity. If
you don’t, discuss these ideas.
25) If you often
feel "When the kids are gone
(e.g. on visitation), my partner and I get along fine," then
you two
probably have not learned how to spot and effectively resolve
three common stressors - val-ues and
loyalty conflicts, and relationship triangles. Follow the link for more
detail and what to do about these common problems. See
option 5.
26)
If
you haven't yet,
see if you can find a co-parent
support
group, and try it out. There are many benefits. Listen
to what other stepfamily couples are saying and aren't talking about. Option: scan your social
circle and
church for such couples, and see if they're
willing to talk about their marital styles and ways of dealing with
their relationship stressors.
Keep in mind
that there are over
of stepfamily,
so you'll not
find one like yours. The underlying dynamics, needs, and conflicts are usually
the same. If there’s no co-parent support group near
you, consider starting one!
27)
your
stepfamily's structure. If you two aren't managing your home as co-equal
partners, this may illuminate what your core problems are. Honestly done,
this mapping usually unearths unseen inner wounds, blocked communications,
unclear or inappropriate family roles and rules, and ineffective and/or missing
boundaries.
Option 28) Seek out co-parents who have chosen to re/divorce, and ask
them their experiences and advice. (The "/" notes that it maybe a stepparent's
first divorce). America has an invisible subculture of millions of
multiply-divorced co-parents in hamlets and cities. If you do this, stay
aware that you're a different person, and your situation is certain to be
superficially different than
theirs.
Despite the differences, hearing veterans talk about the complex web
of legal, financial, emotional, spiritual, social, personal, and physical
impacts of re/divorce can deepen your perspective and wisdom about your
own short and long-range choices.
If
you interview veterans, I recommend that you
focus (compassionately) on the
impacts of the dis-integration process on them and their children, rather
than why they re/divorced. Though first-divorce is
gradually becoming less shameful in our society, re/divorce still
evokes major guilt ("I made a major mistake") and personal and family
shame and embarrassment ("I'm a worthless, abnormal, flawed per-son").
Perspective: I believe most re/divorced people are wounded
of
childhoods. That
means we’re probably unaware of living
or
lives,
and are apt to uncon-sciously
in significant ways. Keep that in mind as you listen to any re/divorce
veterans. They probably won’t know the things you’re learning in this Web
site.
A
final alternative to choosing divorce is...
30) Get quiet
and undistracted, and check to see that your true Self is
you. Clear your mind, breathe well, and consult your
Ask inside "What should I do about my relationship now?" or similar. Listen
for and trust your "still small voice." It may give you one or a few words
about any options like these, or an image, memory, or feeling.
If you don't sense a clear,
simple response, ask the subself that may be
an answer to
trust you (your Self) and stand aside. Ask again with an open mind. If anything
prevents you from trusting that this intuition is what you should do now
(about re/divorce) - what is it?
Often "it" is several upset subselves
flooding your Self with their intense fear, guilt, and/or shame. They
may include your well-meaning
and
subselves who are trying to protect you without seeing the
bigger picture.
Pause, stretch, breathe, and rescan all these 30 alternatives to divorce. Add
any of your own.
If this looks like a lot of work -
it is. So is the agonizing
of divorce and family reorganization! Note whether your
see these
30 options as
opportunities to nurture yourself and your partnership (glass half
full), or as burdensome chores. Notice what your active
now...
Trying every viable re/divorce alternative honestly promotes healthy
grief and self respect: if you decide to formally end your union, you'll be able to
think "I (or we) tried every other option before we began the legal
part of our divorce process." If you exhaust all practical alternatives
and conclude that legal divorce is the best long-term choice, you’ll need
competent professional assistance. To choose such help wisely, consider these
ideas about...
What is a Successful Divorce?
Would
you agree that some divorces are more effective or successful than others?
Try saying your definition of "successful divorce" out loud, and notice your
thoughts and feelings. Do you know any couple who has achieved that, in your
opinion? See how your definition compares to this:
A successful legal divorce...
fills most adults' and kids'
primary needs well enough,
in their own opinions; and...
clearly raises their overall life quality
(security, comfort, productivity, health) over time; and...
helps all affected people learn important things
about themselves and relating to others, including co-parenting effectively;
and…
restores
realistic hope for, and steady interest in, the
future, over time.
Fills
what needs? Each of your adults and children
has a different mix, but some are common. We’ll look at minor kids’ typical
needs in some detail below. See if you would edit this checklist:
Day
by day as your relationships, roles, identities, and routines change and
stabilize over time, each of your kids and adults
usually needs to...
feel that you and your loved ones are
psychologically and physically safe enough during your stepfamily
reorganization process. This includes feeling (a) trust and (b) confidence
in your own judgment, and in the good will of your mate and others
involved.
feel
respected enough about your values,
choices, and actions by (a) yourselves and (b) key other people. Restated: you
each need to maintain your dignity and
as your divorce evolves. To
do this, you all need to...
and
and
effectively
when your needs, perceptions, and values conflict. That includes (a)
your
primary (vs. surface) needs, (b)
them
firmly, and (c) feeling heard and accepted
well enough by (d) each other, (e) best friends, and (f) key relatives and
professionals.
can help with this.
And you all need...
to feel free enough
from other people's
interference, like lawyers, judges, and relatives, to make your own decisions
about how to fill your daily and long-term needs; and...
to help each other identify
and grieve your
many
– i.e. to maintain
environment inside your
skins and your home/s. This includes safely expressing normal grief
confusion, anger, and sadness.
provides a framework;
and…
to reduce any significant feelings of
resentment,
hostility,
and revenge. That
means that each divorcing person needs to learn to
want to forgive themselves and each other for causing prior and current pain. And you each
need…
enough psychological, mental, and legal
support,
while this complex, daunting process goes on a day at a time. This includes
support, and reorganizing and stabilizing your friendships.
Can you hear your
“still small voice”? See
And as you re/divorce, each of your kids and adults
needs…
to rest once in a while, and do all your other
responsibilities well enough, like jobs, and school, and taking care of each
other; pets and plants and homes; managing assets and belongings; and your bodies and
spirits; and you need…
to balance
your life with other activities as your
process unfolds, so it doesn’t consume you. See
for options and
resources; and finally you each need…
to sustain enough credible
hope for a better future life.
| Because your family
system is unique, you’ll probably
have special needs that aren’t included above. Do you see any needs that don’t
apply to you all? This list is less important than your (a) staying
of
your and your kids’ needs, and (b) working steadily to fill them well enough, as you
reorganize and restabilize your family system. |
Picking Effective Divorce
Attorneys
Premise:
any adversarial court action between co-parents is a lose-lose-lose
choice, long term. One of you may “win” short term, but the hostility,
hurt, resentment, anger, anxiety, distrust, disrespect, and guilt you all feel
will taint your souls and relationships for years to come.
Moral: as you seek short-term relief and resolution,
keep a full-generational outlook that includes the welfare of all your kids and all their
co-parents and key kin. If a false self governs you, this will probably feel
impossible.
Stepfamily re/divorce is highly complex, and merits
wise, experienced legal and psychological counsel. I encourage you to
interview
prospective lawyers to see if they:
have credible stepfamily
knowledge and experience, and...
have helped, say, over 25 other stepfamilies (vs. couples)
re/divorce; and...
have genuine empathy for and concern about he
long-term effects of re/divorce on all your co-parents and kids,
and…
view
as an agonizing
multi-year
family-change process, vs. a get-all-you-can, battle-to-the-death between
four or more antagonists (you mates and your lawyers).
I suspect that your state laws make little or no distinction
whether it's your first divorce or your fifth.
Lawyers who know how
different stepfamilies and re/marriages are can be real
dis-integration allies for you caregivers and your kids.
Lawyers choose their profession partly because they want
justice served, and they use the law and psychology to achieve
that. Typical attorneys also like the excitement and ego-challenge of fighting to
win. That win-lose mindset inexorably raises the
to teamwork between most conflicted co-parents.
Alternatively, raging (false-self dominated) co-parents can
harass win-win (humane, empathic) lawyers to fight "the enemy" more aggressively. Both are
guaranteed lose-lose stances, long term - specially for minor kids
involved.
Male lawyers
more combative and aggressive than
(some) female attorneys. Lawyers who have experienced divorce may have
extra compassion - or bitterness and bias - than their unmarried or first-married
colleagues. If you agree with me that divorce is a symptom of significant
inner
(like reality distortion,
major biases, and a compulsive combativeness and short-term focus), then you
may prefer a (a) married and never-divorced, (b) stepfamily-aware legal
consultant, who (c) shows few of these traits.
You'll want a veteran lawyer well grounded in the
family-law statutes of your state to represent your whole
(vs. just you), despite
being paid to "beat" the opposition. Balance sacrificing some short-term wants
and some fairness, for long-term peace and health for you and your
dependents!
In bitter and/or complex re/divorce battles,
you may need to hire a lawyer to represent the interests of one or more minor
children. Veteran family-law attorneys can advise you about pros, cons,
and costs of such a Guardian ad Litem
(GAL). Scan the American Bar Association's Web site for
ideas, guidance, and resources.
On behalf of your elderly
future selves and the quality of
your descendents’ childhood years, I urge you to do everything you
can to avoid a prolonged legal fight over property settlements, child
custody, and co-parental rights. Letting rageful Warrior or Amazon
subselves lead your re/divorce decisions will probably cost all of you
years of resentment and regret. Work to let your
wise true Selves
your
dis-integration process!
So far, we've explored
(a) what divorce is, (b) why many
people do it (again), (c) 29 alternatives to re/divorce, and (d) traits of an
effective re/divorce lawyer. What if you're already in the legal
re/divorce process? Are there ways you can work toward a successful ending,
protect and nourish your kids, and keep your balance, integrity, and dignity
as you do?
If You’re Already Divorcing...
Whether you, your mate, or you both are initiating a legal
ending, your thinking and judgment may be distorted by weariness, despair,
pain, anxiety, confusion, and desperation. These are probably greater if
you’re trying to nurture one or more kids. In such a mind-state, you risk
making decisions you’ll regret when you get centered again.
If I could interview whoever is initiating your legal
de-coupling, I'd ask:
"Is your true Self choosing to re/divorce?" If
you’re not sure, do this assessment
worksheet honestly. Better, do all 12 Project-1
worksheets. If your Self is
disabled, I urge you to defer your choice to break up, unless you feel
someone’s safety and/or
is seriously endangered by staying married.
“How many of the 29 re/divorce alternatives
above have you two really tried?" If you haven’t given each of them your
best effort yet, what prevents that? You may risk deepening your kids’
false-self wounds and major old-age regrets, if you don’t.
For your and your kids’ long-term welfare,
I propose that there are three important themes to stay aware of as you dis-integrate
(reorganize) your
stepfamily:
Follow
a conscious
plan to divorce successfully;
Learn how to select
qualified supporters
and advisors along the way, and…
Know and try your best to fill
(a) your
personal
and (b) the primary
needs of any dependent kids and adults.
Let’s look at each of these themes briefly…
Pause, breathe, and notice your feelings
and thoughts. Have
you ever tried to define your version of "successful divorce"? Has your
partner? Your ex mate/s, if any? Have you ever talked together about a shared definition, for your
kids' sakes? How would each of your kids define successful divorce? Is your
Self answering these questions? How do you know?
Now - picture each of the resident and visiting kids who
depend on you adults for their developmen-tal and other needs. As you two
decide to heal your re/marriage or to re/divorce. Let's take a
look at some of their typical needs, and then review your options.
Picture
each of the resident and visiting
children who
depend on you adults for their developmental and other needs. As you two
decide to heal your re/marriage or to re/divorce…
What Do Your Minor Kids Need Now?
During
environmental upheavals, typical kids (and adults!) need a refuge - a place of steady, predictable
safety. Safety means consistent protection from major discomfort and fear.
Ideally, a child’s best refuge from worldly dangers is her or his home and
Do you agree?
Did your childhood home steadily feel safe, before
you tried independent living? Have you ever lived in a refuge where the physical
and invisible
were solid, and the resident leaders were empathic,
caring, strong, alert, wise, patient, calm, dependable, and decisive?
When a re/marriage weakens and stepfamily conflicts rise,
custodial and visiting stepkids start to feel unsafe and unsure (if they felt
safe before), specially if
their biological parents are conflicted. Before re/divorce, each of your resident and visiting
stepchildren work unconsciously to fill two groups needs well enough:
preparing to live as an independent adult – i.e. normal
developmental needs. If kids’ early years were
low in psycho-spiritual
they need to learn to adapt to that as
they prepare for independence; and your kids are unconsciously working to...
adapt and adjust successfully to major family role, rule,
ritual, and relationship changes from (a) birthfamily reorganization
from parental death or divorce; and (b) exchanging their absent-parent family for a
complex, alien stepfamily.
Preparing for stable adult independence in America
2000 is already a steep challenge for typical kids and parents. It’s much
harder to succeed at that having to adapting to major family
reorganizations. To help your stepfamily kids assume stable independence, you co-parents need special knowledge and
resources.
If your kids' two or more primary caregivers...
are usually guided by their
true Self, and…
are usually free of major
and
interpersonal conflicts, and...
are gaining accurate, grounded awareness of core
relationship skills + stepfamily
realities +
adjustment tasks; and…
are knowledgeable enough about each child's set of (up to
50!) developmental and adjustment
needs and
how to help with them, and...
steadily
want to (a)
their respective
nurturing roles and household rules, and (b)
each child and your
evolving re/marriage/s (Projects 6, 8, and 10)...
…then you co-parents are probably providing a real, stable
refuge for each of your kids. Do these criteria seem realistic and thorough to
you? Would you edit them in any way to better fit your circumstances and
values?
I believe one of five
re/marital
for typical divorced-family
and stepfamily co-parents is
Many such caregivers don't know
what they should know to provide an effective marital and parental refuge.
That unawareness - plus unseen false-self wounds - often blocks motivation to
learn and
and problem solving.
When you and/or your mate starts to feel that your needs for attention, affirmation,
respect, companionship, play, and touching
aren't filled well enough, often enough, you may grow distracted from
providing effective parental nurturance, and/or start to
unconsciously seek need-fulfillment from kids or other adults.
This throws the
psychological and structural balance of your home off a little
or a lot. That usually raises visiting and resident kids' anxieties,
hindering them from filling their many concurrent developmental and adjustment
needs. That stresses one or more of you co-parents, which may add re/marital
tension, which... You get the idea.
So if you're
already in the legal re/divorce process,
what are your dependent kids likely to need from you? If you were each of your children, what would you
need? Would you have the concepts, vocabulary, and self-confidence to assert
your needs and feelings to your adults?
Concluded on
page 5...
The Web address of this five-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/08/divorce1.htm