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mosaic of ideas, so the
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replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
This Project-8
set of articles focuses
on resolving problems between committed adult
This article sketches some of the special
challenges that typical same-gender co-parenting couples face. The outline
comes from two decades of studying stepfamily dynamics, and clinical
consultation with a number of gay and lesbian couples. I write directly to
such couples.
The article aims to raise your...
-
awareness of what you and your kids
and kin face, and your...
-
compassion and respect for
yourselves as dignified persons with normal and special needs.
Get the most from reading
this by first studying and discussing ...
-
this
introduction to normal
personality subselves (like yours) - slides
or
text
-
premises about resolving (a) any
relationship problem, and (b) common marital
problems
-
four
requisites for a mutually-satisfying
relationship
-
these stepfamily basics -
slides or text
-
most stepfamily
couples and kids are highly
stressed, and
the
these stressors cause,
-
the
couples can team up on to counteract
these problems.
Sociologists report that couples in typical U.S. stepfamilies are more apt
to be of different nationalities, religions, cultures, and races than
first-marriage couples. The good news is that such blendings often enrich
stepfamily members with new points of view, traditions, and experiences.
The bad news is that
the chance for
disapproval, bigotry, and rejection or persecution from kin and society is
higher. These add to the mix of relationship
stressors
that are common in typical
This is specially true for same-gender co-parents and their kids and kin.
I
use “same-gender”
partners for several reasons. First, in our sex-obsessed culture, any symbol
or message with sex (or “x”) in it narrows people’s awareness to
genital-hormonal excitement, behaviors, intercourse, and orgasm. This primal titillation
(a) promotes
dominance and (b) harmfully ignores the
nurturing emotional and spiritual dimensions of a healthy loving
same-gender relationships.
Secondly, gay, homosexual, bisexual,
and lesbian are “hand grenade” (emotionally provocative) terms for most English speakers. They
usually have semi-conscious associations with some mix of bad - wrong -
sick - evil - sinful - perverse - unhealthy - unnatural and disgusting.
These associations can block clear thinking and merited compassion and
respect. That inhibits effective problem-solving and relationship-building.
I
also avoid calling heterosexuals straight. That term implies
that homosexuals are bent or crooked, which promotes more
Typical same-gender
partners have enough of those already...
Bottom line - terminology can work for or against you
partners.
helps!
Perspective
In my stepfamily research since 1979, I've
found little written about same-gender co-parents and their kids and kin. As
they (you) battle for social acceptance and dignity, that avoidance is slowly
shrinking. I suspect that same-gender stepfamily mothers and custodial minor
kids are more common than fathers living with biokids and a male
partner. What's your opinion?
My view on same-gender attraction has been
strongly shaped by the book "Brain Sex - The Real Difference Between Men and Women" (1993) by
biogeneticist Anne Moir,
Ph.D., and journalist David Jessel.
They summarize and synthesize much evidence that same-gender attraction is
largely neuro-logical and hormonal, starting in the womb.
Many religious conservatives preach that the
"homosexual lifestyle" is chosen and sinful, and must be intentionally
"unchosen" by truly righteous believers to avoid eternal damnation. They
rigidly reject that God could create such a condition in humans who are
Biblically declared to be fashioned "in His image."
That view, and the instinctive or learned
homophobia
(fear of latent and/or others' homosexuality) that many people have, yield a
pervasive social environment of shame, guilt, pity, danger, persecution,
rejection, distrust, grief, and anger for same-gender couples and their
families.
Part of the same-gender community is composed
of men and women who conceived children, to find later that one parent admits
that s/he’s really attracted to others of her or his own gender. The par-ents
usually divorce, with the heterosexual partner faced with admitting and
accepting "My wife (husband) left me for a woman (man)." That can be
intensely shaming to insecure (wounded) adults and relatives, and cause significant
self-doubts, anxiety, guilt, and angers.
Other childless same-gender couples try to adopt kids,
perhaps having to falsify aspects of their relationship and living situation to avoid legal and social barriers. Those who succeed form an
adoptive family, not a stepfamily, because there are no genetic
parent-child links. Adoptive same-gender families are
similar to and different from same-gender stepfamilies.
Extra Partnership Stressors
Compared to average heterosexual stepfamily couples,
typical same-gender
partners face up to eight
sets of extra stressors. These are amplified if one or both mates publicly declare your
gender preference (comes out) after committing to each other. See if you agree
with these extra stressors:
-
More personal
shame, guilt, anxiety,
confusion, and grief; and…
-
More
co-parenting conflicts with
(a) each
other, (b) stepkids and (c) their other co-parent/s, (d) school and clinical
professionals; and (e) some human-service and legal professionals; and...
-
More
disapproval and rejection from
sets of relatives, specially co-grandparents; and...
-
More employment anxieties and conflicts with ignorant and biased co-workers; and...
-
More
legal and financial problems: e.g.
custody and child-support battles, and insurance coverages; and...
-
More
spiritual and religious conflicts at
home and in conservative communities; and...
-
Striving for a stable double life as
necessary - i.e. adapting to guilt about deceptions, fear of
discovery, and many frustrations;
and...
-
More
trouble finding enough viable media, social, and
professional
as persons, committed partners, and stepfamily
co-parents.
If a heterosexual couple’s stepfamily’s
challenges are likened to driving a Volkswagen, then the collage of stressors
challenging average same-gender co-parenting partners is like piloting a 747 Jumbo jet.
Let’s take a closer look at these stressors.
Coping suggestions are offered on page 3.
1) More Personal Stressors
Typical
same-gender partners are each somewhere between
partial to full, and new to stable acceptance of their sexual preference and identity.
Full acceptance involves the struggle to firmly believe in your own worth and
identity as a unique, talented, limited, dignified person, despite
widespread social and religious ignorance, misunderstanding, contempt,
ostracism, bigotry, and persecution.
To reach personal stability and peace with
your sexual identity, you’re challenged to…
learn what this identity means
in your family and society;
convert
significant
into
genuine
and
guilts, hurts, and resentments into forgiveness of
and genuine (vs. pseudo) compassion for yourself and others;
convert anxieties about the future
for yourself and any kids into realistic confidence and optimism;
many past and recent
(broken bonds)
find and keep
peace; and…
transcend all of these to
intentionally live a
purposeful, productive, balanced, enjoyable life.
Each partner’s progress on
these personal challenges depends the
who comprise and
lead their
If either partner grew up in a
family,
the fundamental personal task they face is accepting and recovering
from false-self dominance: i.e. empowering their
to guide
their personality's subselves through each challenges above. (Co-parent
Compared to heterosexual peers, the odds
are higher that same-gender partners are burdened with excessive shame,
guilts, uncertainties, and anxieties. Our society and most religions
relentlessly imply that homosexuals are inferior, sinful, sick, weird, bad,
and even "dangerous" in some vague way. Sham-ing (disrespect) usually starts in
childhood, with parents, sibs, kin, and peers ridiculing "different"
behav-iors or attitudes, and disparaging homosexuals in general.
The challenge for each mate is to achieve and maintain genuine self respect,
dignity, and pride. That requires finding and accepting sources of real
support, and growing an effective way of ignoring (vs. denying) internal
and social insults, rejections, and discounts.
Most
same-gender partners have a unique group of
to mourn,
like the loss of social "normalcy," and (probably) of full family and social
acceptance and pride. Another is the loss of hope that they’ll ever live in a
world where their sexual preference isn't a source of misunderstanding and
ignorant condemnation and
rejection.
Recall that the goal of “good grief” is to achieve mental,
emotional, and spiritual
acceptance (belief) that prized things are
gone for good. Family
here offers an effective way for same-gender mates to help each other (and others) grieve
well, over time.
As
typical same-gender mates help each other to make and stabilize all
these personal challenges, they're challenged to
balance
work, rest, co-parenting, socializing, growth, and play without letting
sexual-preference issues predominate. While they do that, they're also
challenged to nurture and develop their primary relationship, and protect
themselves
and any dependent kids against the five common stepfamily
Family
is about keeping
four levels of balance.
In
addition to these personal adjustments and building their primary relationship
typical stepfamily mates will encounter...
2) Extra Co-parenting Conflicts
Like average heterosexual partners,
same-gender mates face at least
six sources of significant co-parenting stress compared to childless couples:
These six stressors amplify each other and other
common stepfamily stressors. They may be significantly more complex than
for heterosexual stepfamily couples. Let's look briefly at each of
them...
A) Resolve Stepfamily Identity
and Membership Conflicts
Co-parent
(accept your
as
a stepfamily and what it
exists because of
(a) widespread social confusion
about what a stepfamily is, and (b) misinformed biases that they’re second
best, inferior, abnormal, and unnatural compared to traditional intact
biofamilies.
Co-parent same-gender-preference adds
more
confusions and biases, making relatives' and social acceptance of your stepfamily
identity even harder. That promotes fuzzy, conflicting, and unrealistic
(biofamily-like) expectations among your stepfamily adults and kids, and your
social and professional supporters.
A related problem may be that one or more
biofamily adults or kids refuses to genuinely accept the same-gender
stepparent and/or their kin as full stepfamily members.
Holidays and special
celebrations force recurring inclusion/exclusion (family
choices.
B) Resolve Role and Title Confusions
The
family
(responsibilities,
values, and
traits) of mother and father are relatively clear in most
societies. The roles of stepmother and stepfather are less
clear, but have some structure because of traditional gender norms. Female
nurturers are generally expected to nurture and comfort kids, teach them social
and domestic skills, encourage their self-esteem, and oversee their hygiene, nutrition and health.
Male
caregivers are expected to teach kids to “think logically,” use various tools,
compete effective-ly, achieve, learn a trade, and channel their sexual and other aggressions.
Daughters need male caregivers to affirm and celebrate their femininity. Custodial single
parents often need to evolve a hybrid (male + female) caregiver role,
specially if their ex mate isn’t actively co-parenting.
All stepfamily members and
supporters can feel confused
about the role of a same-gender stepparent, and what to call her or him. Is s/he “supposed to” provide
“mothering” or “fathering”? A same-gender stepparent must first...
-
resolve
her or his
role uncertainties, and then...
-
adapt to the
confusions and conflicting role-expectations of other stepfamily members and
society; and...
-
their mate must do the same, and then...
-
both must agree well
enough on their stepfamily roles.
Not an easy task!
Part of this challenge is to identify and agree on
viable
without
appropriate childhood models or traditional
social guidelines. For example, a same-gender partner says "I can't be
a (heterosexual) male or female role model for your child, and I can be
a trusted, affectionate, and devoted adult coach, mentor, friend, protector, and playmate." One lesbian co-parent with two live-in stepkids
told me she used her concept of a biological aunt's role to guide her in
relating to her partner's children, and in what to expect from them.
A related challenge is for mates to stably
agree (a) together and (b) with live-in and/or visiting kids on how each child
"should" behave towards their stepparent - i.e. to define the role
of "stepchild." . For instance, is a young stepson
"supposed to" hug or kiss his father's male partner goodnight? Is it “OK”
with everyone for
the partner to help a young child bathe? “Should” a gay or lesbian partner
offer sexual and dating guidance to a new stepteen? Opinions and tolerances on
questions like these can vary widely in each stepfamily and local society.
Agreeing on role titles
is another complex challenge
for stepfamily adults and kids. Is a lesbian co-parent a stepmother, another
Mom,
“another adult in our home and family,” “Mom’s special friend,” “Aunt Laura,”
or what? If a stepchild’s father re/marries, does the youngster have two stepmothers?
Three mothers? Four co-parents? The same questions apply for gay male
partners.
Similar role and title confusions arise over the same-gender
stepparent’s blood relatives. Do they qualify as “step-grandparents,” and
“step-aunts and uncles”? Are they
of
the stepfamily? Who decides this? Recall that
“stepparent” and "stepchild" are roles, not
people!
C) Identify and Fill Minor Kids’ Needs
Typical stepkids’ have special needs (below)
related to their and their adults' sexual identity. These add to ~ 60 other concurrent
developmental and
family-adjustment needs. Traditional (bio)parenting - i.e. effectively
filling minor kids' complex
nurturance
needs for 20+ years - is challenging enough!
Parental divorce or
death can create up to a dozen new adjustment needs for average youngsters.
A bioparent committing to a new (stepparent) partner
typically adds another dozen needs.
Having same-gender co-parents usually adds a fourth set of complex mental, emotional, and spiritual adjustment needs
for girls and boys to
fill with informed adult help.
in this Web site focuses on nurturing minor kids effectively in (a) any
family and in (b) typical stepfamilies.
D) Manage Stepchild Rejection of a
Stepparent, or Vice-versa
Stepkids may feel specially ambivalent about
accepting and
with a lesbian or
gay
step-parent. This can be specially conflictual if a child gets conflicting
signals about this acceptance from (a) his or her
and/or (b)
bioparents, relatives, teachers, friends, and church. Stepchild ambivalence or
rejection promotes conflicts,,,
-
among a stepparent's subselves,
-
between a stepparent and
their stepchild/ren, and...
-
between two or more co-parents
- e.g.
and relationship
This gets more
complex if there are several resident and/or visiting boys and girls, and/or
both mates have prior kids.
Another source of
same-gender co-parent
is...
E)
Managing Relations with Stepkids’
Other Bioparent/s and Any New
Partner of Theirs.
The
standard stepfamily challenge of reducing significant co-parenting
between divorced
bioparents (ex mates) is tough enough. Negotiating inevitable disputes over
parenting
loyalties, and
relationship triangles. Ignorances, biases,
anxieties, and confusions about a same-gender step-parent’s influence on minor
stepkids, and their family role and title, adds more conflicts
inside and between ex mates and their partners and relatives.
A final common challenge is...
F) Little Effective Social and Media
Support
Try saying out loud what "effective social support" means. Have you ever
given or received any? Informed empathy
and advice is scarce for all stepfamily
adults and kids. It's even rarer for same-gender co-parents and their
families trying to understand and manage their biofamily-merger
and the stressors summarized here. Is there
a support group for same-gender co-parents in your community? On the Web?
Do
most of your local church communities accept same-gender co-parents? How do your
doctors, lawyers, therapists, insurance agents, clergy, and parent-teacher
associations feel about same-gender stepfamilies? Does TV or popular family
magazines offer any useful guidance and resources?
There are at least three
magazines for gay adults: “Out,” “The Advocate,” and “Genre.” They may
include informed support for stepfamily challenges. A search of
amazon.com for
“homosexual and parent” returned several titles.
On top of extra personal and co-parenting
stressors, same-gender stepfamily partners may also face unique conflicts with relatives
(continued)...
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