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This
concludes an article about the extra challenges faced by
typical same-gender stepfamily couples and their kids, ex mates, and supporters.
Recall why you began to read this - what do you
In addition to
answering questions about same-gender relationships and families, typical
stepkids need to...
Reduce
Extra Emotional Turmoils
These will vary with many factors, and will
probably include some or all of these:
Converting
shame into
Shame is the natural human emotion that
comes from subselves thinking "I am bad / sick / weird / unlovable /
a failure / loser / no good. Many things activate the Inner Critic,
Perfectionist, and Shamed Child to cause thoughts like these and the feeling
of shame and embarrassment. This is amplified for kids and adults who
believe "I come from a
messed up / weird / unnatural / sick /... parent / family / home."
The
priceless antidote to this is believing firmly that "I am a normal, unique,
talented, limited human of inherent dignity, unique worth, and potential, no matter
where I came from." Co-parents have the same task, specially if they're
survivors of
childhoods.
Converting co-parents' own shame is necessary to help kids learn
to
and love themselves (and other people). Use family
to help with this vital healing work.
Reducing various
guilts to
"acceptable." Guilt is the normal emotional triggered
by believing
that we have broken some key rule: a
should (not), ought to, have to, or must (not). From
ancestral ignorance, heritage, typical divorcing family and stepfamily
members are riddled with minor to intense guilts around marriage, parenting,
and divorce choices and behaviors. Social reactions to
same-gender preference often adds new guilts to these. For example, your
child/ren might struggle with versions of these:
“I’m disgusted by, and/or angry at, my
parent (and/or stepparent), and I shouldn’t be.”
“I should love my family, but
I hate living in this one!”
“At times, I’d really rather live with my
other parent, but I have to be loyal to (my custodial parent).”
“I should
want my parents to be happy, but I hope Mom/Dad breaks up with my steppar-ent..”
"I
ought to like my stepbrother (sister), but s/he's a real loser."
To help
custodial and visiting kids change major guilts into self
acceptance and healthy
via genuine (vs. dutiful
or strategic) forgiveness,
co-parents must understand and
resolve their own guilts. Then they can encourage kids to talk honestly about theirs,
while keeping adult/child
clear.
In any family with youngsters, adults' are responsible to know
and help each
child learn...
The same is true with shame. Did your
caregivers teach you these when you were young?
Another task
most (all?) stepkids face
is settling
significant
and relationship triangles
without knowing how to do so. Stepkids
are vulnerable to feeling hopelessly trapped between hostile
co-parents and relatives. This is specially likely if their parents choose to
fight in court. Your kids can also feel caught between judgmental siblings who
side with one biased bioparent or the other.
And
typical stepfamily kids also need to…
Find
effective ways of coping with peers'
(and some adults') taunting, ridicule, and rejection. The ironic "good" news
is that now, most American kids don't feel like the social pariahs that older
genera-tions felt because their parents divorced.
Without strong, clear
identities, minor kids can easily feel like a (shameful, lonely) social
outcast if their bioparent's same-gender attraction is known to their school
and church communities. Finding ac-cepting, supportive friends can be extra
hard for such child/ren - partly because few or no kids can really empathize
with them.
All minor and/or grown
stepkids need to…
unique losses. All stepfamily members have many tangible and
invisible
(broken emotional-spiritual bonds) to mourn. Kids and adults in same-gender stepfamilies have major extra losses, like social
normalcy, acceptance, and support; relationship securities; and often their
and personal and family identities. There are more.
If several years have
passed since bioparents separated and legally
all
family members will have had a better chance to
their many losses.
If co-parents choose a new partner soon after separation (or before), the odds
of adults or kids being unfinished grieving their losses rise significantly.
Among other effects, this can hinder bonding among some new stepfamily
members.
Because coming
often polarizes
friends and relatives (acceptance and compassion vs. disapproval and
rejection), new partners and their kids must often grieve the loss of or major
changes in some prized
relationships and supports. If any co-parents are ruled by a
and/or came from an
childhood,
they’ll need to learn how to
do "good grief" and mourn their own losses, as they guide their
step/kids to do the same. Family
here
provides practical options and resources for this essen-tial new-stepfamily task.
Another task
normal resident or
visiting stepkids usually need adult help with is...
Reducing
unique anxieties ("worries").
Most (all?) kids of parental divorce or death face a group of (usually)
transitional fears. The common thread to them all is feeling unable to prevent
significant emo-tional pain in themselves and key others, like wounded parents
and special relatives,
and vulnerable sib-lings. Common extra fears in same-gender
stepfamilies might include "I'm
scared that...
...I'll be homosexual (and be weird,
shunned, scorned, damned, and isolated);"
...my (other bioparent) and/or key relatives
or friends will reject and abandon me;"
...I'll have to go live with my other
parent, or 'someplace else';"
..."I'll never see my grandparents (or cousins / aunts / uncles) again;"
...I'll never be able to have a regular life;"
and…
...'something bad' is going to happen to me
/ us / my parent..."
Vague (vs.
specific) fears ("I worry about stuff") can be hardest for adults and kids
to manage. They can block clear venting, discussion, and credible
reassurances. Young and/or significantly-wounded kids need
informed adult help to identify,
vent, and reduce their specific fears. The basic co-parenting chal-lenge here is to
evolve effective personal and co-parenting “fear policies” – i.e. conscious
motivations and strategies to...
-
identify and admit significant fears, and
then...
-
shift them into stable acceptances (of things you can’t control), or
to...
-
confidences about mastering those you can control.
A sixth task
typical same-gender stepkids need help with
is to...
Admit
and resolve stressful ambivalences
("confusions"). Like their
adults, minor or grown kids can feel emotionally “torn” by many things - like
"I like my new stepparent / I hate him/her."). All people have opposing or fluctuating thoughts, values, needs, and/or
emotions - specially those often dominated by a false self.
These
ambivalences are normal, are stressful, and demonstrate the reality of our
many-sided
“Ambivalence” means “I have two or more
subselves who are
now.” In
same-gender stepfamilies, typical kids (and their adults)
have extra ambivalences. For example:
"I feel really bad for my (same-gender) Mom(Dad);
and I'm really angry at her/him (and probably anxious, guilty, and
torn about that)."
"I accept and love my Mom(Dad) even if s/he
is different; and I (another personality part) don't respect or accept
her/him now!"
"I like and trust my parent's partner;
and I (other parts of me) 'hate' and distrust her(him)!"
"I want to accept this lousy situation and
get on with my life; and I also want to scream, fight, cry, hold on to my
old life and get it back!"
There many similar mental/emotional
opposites like these that minor and grown kids and their relatives can be conflicted on.
Two basic challenges are: (a) admitting and stabilizing each conflict over time, while
(b) not
letting the combined ambivalences become overwhelming.
Such ambivalences in kids and adults are
evidence of significant
Co-parent
gives perspective, tools, and resources to help co-parents assess for this
condition, and return life control to the person's wise true Self.
That opens the way to your Self mediating
While
same-gender stepfamily kids struggle with their mix of
mental and emotional adjustments like these, they’ll also need to master some...
Extra
Relationship Tasks
These can include their concurrent needs to...
resolve hurts, distrusts, and
anger at one or both bioparents, and/or at hostile or rejecting relatives or
others; and to...
forgive and re/accept their same-gender
bioparent as lovable, competent, and fully "OK," even if their other parent or
relatives disagree; and minor kids need to...
ask
for help with
and
conflicts, and
stressful
To do that, they first need you
adults to explain whet these are, in age-appropriate language. Then they need
to observe how you react to your conflicts and triangles. And your kids
also need to…
separate themselves without significant
guilt, shame, and anxiety from hostilities and conflicts among their family
adults and supporters, and forge and defend clear
personal boundaries
("That's your problem, not mine!"). They also need to...
clarify
and stabilize their relationship
with, and the role of, their lesbian or gay stepparent ("I already have a
mother, so I don't need you to 'mother' or ‘father’ me too..."); and...
adjust
loyalties, priorities, and roles
with each involved bio-relative and step-relative, inclu-ding bio and step
siblings. This
requires evolving a clear understanding of "Who
in my (step)family,
now?"; and kids need to clarify...
clarify role-titles and names: "What do I call my
Mom's(Dad's) friend? S/He's not a wife(husband), or a 'regular (genetic) relative,'
so..."
These are
illustrative. Each child
will have her or his own unique set of household and stepfamily relationship
confusions and conflicts like these to admit and resolve. They’ll probably
need re-resolution each time there's a major change in their
stepfamily
system.
The co-parents' real
challenge here
is to help their dependent kids learn how to identify, rank, and
resolve their own relationship problems (unmet needs), including asking for
help.
We’ve just overviewed seven stepfamily
stressors unique to typical same-gender stepfamily coup-les, kids, and
relatives. We explored one in
some detail: helping minor and grown kids fill some extra mental,
emotional, and relationship adjustment needs while their co-parents do the same.
Now
- what
can same-gender stepfamily mates do to co-manage
their complex mix of simultaneous “standard” and extra personal and relationship stressors
well enough, over time? They have many...
Options
Partners' first choice is whether or not each
acknowledges “We have a bewildering array of com-plex, concurrent personal
and stepfamily-relationship problems to solve, and our descendents depend on
us to master them.” Common alternatives are denial, repression,
procrastination, addiction, idealizing, ignoring, discounting, and/or minimizing. Each of these is a symptom of
false-self control of a mate's personality.
To keep your wide-angle perspective
and balance and not over-focus on same-gender stressors,
re-scan
these five common
Helping each other avoid or neutralize them is mates' real long-term target. If
each partner accepts that, then they can select
from a buffet of action-options.
These include tailoring and using co-parent
as a stepfamily-building, problem-solving framework. I
recommend mates work at these projects in order, starting with
for
signif-icant false-self dominance and psychological wounds: i.e., work patiently
together at co-parent
Success with all other safeguard Projects hinges
on joint progress with that one. Partners' goal over time is to empower
their
respective
to patiently lead
their talented
safely through
their
complex stepfamily adjustments a day at a time.
From life-long habit, other
well-meaning subselves will distrust the resident true Self’s competence, and will
stubbornly and cleverly resist useful changes.
See the practical guidebook for this
keystone healing project:
(Xlibris.com, 2002, 2nd ed.)
If
partners choose to admit stressors like these and work
at
their false-self wounds together, then they can discuss and
rank-order these…
Valuable Focuses
Keep your primary relationship
solidly in second place
behind your respective
and harmonizing your personality subselves (Project 1); and…
Build
effective communication skills
together
and teach them to your kids
and…
Clarify
and accept your identity
as a normal multi-task stepfamily, and build realistic role and relationship
expectations
and
and…
and facilitate unfinished grief, and
forge an effective home and stepfamily
Good-Grief policy
and…
Define
(a) your stepfamily’s overall
long-term purposes
(b) your minor kids' specific
needs and (c)
your related co-parenting goals and roles
(Project10); and while you are balancing all these, help each other to
patiently...
Become
experts at
spotting and resolving
and
conflicts, and
relationship
(Projects
2 and
while you…
Develop
your co-parenting
yourselves
and with your kids' other co-parent/s;
and you can…
Seek
and use personal, social, and
appropriate professional supports
while you work to...
Keep
your daily and ongoing balances and senses of humor, and help each other
enjoy the whole rich
process you've chosen to co-create
If
this seems like a lot of work - it IS. Is nourishing your health and
relationship worth it? There’s a lot of practical help available to help you
learn and progress on any of these tasks you choose. This non-profit Website
provides many resources, and links to many others.
Before summing up this
Project-8 article, let’s
look at your options for an eighth challenge for same-gender stepfamily mates…
Finding
Effective Family Supports
Support
takes many forms: empathy,
compassion, respectful touching and confrontation, patience, information,
companionship, genuine listening, eye contact, respect, truth telling, healthy
humor, forgive-ness, encouragement, inspiration, instruction, prayer,...
Well-bonded mates usually turn first to their partner and
psychological family to provide these. Other key support-sources are (a) your
dedicated
(including
(b) society (including friends, the media, and a
church community), and (c)
human-service professionals.
Same-gender co-parents often experience family
and society (including the media) as sources of personal and relationship
- sadness, guilt, anxiety, frustration, despair, shame, and anger. These result from
unchallenged ancestral superstitions and ignorances, and (I believe) epidemic psychological
and related fears, distortions, and
Partners have access to
helpful social, legal,
and spiritual support groups of peers in the real world and
on the
Internet. I suspect that the special understanding and empathy required to
sustain, inform, and inspire same-gender stepfamily co-parents is
limited at best.
It's
likely that few to no local
clergy, therapists, lawyers, doctors, and teachers are well informed about
same-gender stepfamily
benefits, dynamics,
realities,
merger-adjustment
tasks, kids' special
needs, and
solutions, based on these
This
is a major reason this nonprofit Web site exists.
Other
support resources are partners'
abilities to (a) admit your need for human and spiritual support, and to (b) ask
for it without undue shame, guilt, and anxiety ("Could you just hold me for a
while?"). If you can do those things, the next option you can develop is your
tolerance for accepting relevant help.
In my clinical experience since 1981, most
divorcing-family and stepfamily adults and kids are
or
of
childhoods. I suspect that's specially true of same-gender co-parents and
their kids.
Such
wounded partners are used to
and are apt to have
special trouble identifying, validating, and valuing your own needs enough
to ask for support. It also means you’ll probably have trouble
accepting help without your protective false self (e.g. your ever-alert
and
subselves) disparaging, blocking, or neutralizing it.
So –
typical partners and their kids have...
-
significant needs for
effective, knowledgeable personal and social supports,
-
few
accessible sources of it; and they may have trouble...
-
asking for and accepting appropriate help without
feeling undeserving, weak, ashamed, and/or guilty.
If a protective
rules
the adults, those well-meaning subselves will probably numb and/or distract
them from what
you just read.
Premise - when troubled kids and adults have
too little effective support (nurturance) locally or chronically, they may
experience an expanding web of surface
problems
like an
divorce, job conflicts, and/or illness. The bad news is those
compound our needs for support.
The paradoxical good news is that
concurrent
stepfamily stressors may trigger a wounded partner to
break crippling life-long protective
and
start or speed true personal
from personality disharmony and false-self wounds. This
(core attitude) shift usually starts between the ages of 35 to 50. How old are
you?
Few minor kids with
undeveloped or disabled true Selves can hit
true (vs. pseudo) bottom. They need to learn from several decades of pain, evasions,
losses, experiments, disillusionments, and life experience. Minor kids in
same-gender divorcing families and stepfamilies specially need their caregivers'
informed support and brave
long-term dedication to these
or equivalent.
For more perspective on, and options and
resources for, building personal and stepfamily-relation-ship supports,
see
these Project-11 articles and
resources.
| We just reviewed
eight common extra stepfamily-couple relationship stressors, and three sets of
extra stressors for their dependent kids. Bottom line - average same-gender
stepfamily partners have many concurrent extra needs to fill,
often with fewer family
and social supports, while grappling with extra personal stressors.
Notice how you're feeling about this. |
How much of this
information did you know before
reading this article? How likely is it that typical (a) same-gender partners' (b) older kids, (c) ex mates, and
(d) key relatives, friends, and professional supporters could describe the key points
above, and know what typical same-gender mates' need? Note that this is only an overview...
