Use "/" when it's a stepparent's first union or first divorce - "re/marriage"

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The Web address of this page is http://sfhelp.org/08/links-remarriage.htm

Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so please turn off your browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.         This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psycho-logical wounds,  building high-nurturance family relationships, break-ing the [wounds + unawareness] cycle, and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.         These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified profession-al help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the three or more related stepparents and bioparents co-mana-ging a multi-home nuclear stepfamily.          Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

Option: use this page as a reference-center to review courtship and re/marriage "basics." The "/" notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. Note the similar indexes for stepfamily basics, co-parenting basics, and ex-mates and kin. To get the most from these articles, first read these:

• The silent U.S. re/divorce epidemic

• This introduction to normal personality subselves and psychological wounds  - slides or text

• This introduction to the pervasive [wounds + ignorance] cycle - slides or text

• Important Q&A about stepfamily courtship and re/marriage;

• This slide presentation on making three wise courtship choices

• This article on U.S. marriage and parenting trends, and...

• These research findings on divorce and kids' well-being.

Many of the articles below are combined in two guidebooks in this series for co-parents and their supporters: Stepfamily Courtship (Projects 1-7) and The Remarriage Book (Project 8).

     

  Stepfamily Courtship Basics

        A basic premise here is that a major cause of stepfamily marital stress and psychological and legal re/divorce i s caused by wounded, unaware partners chose the wrong people to commit to (partner + ex mate/s + kids +  kin), for the wrong reasons, at the wrong time.

        Implication: the best time to minimize or avoid (vs. solve) later re/marital problems is during courtship. Needy suitors who are governed by a protective false self are specially vulnerable to rationalizing such choices despite "common sense" and others' cautionary advice.

Option: before following any links below, study these important courtship questions (and answers) you partners should ask and discuss

  = tools  (like checklists and worksheets)   /     = concepts, options, and skills

Basics: seven keys to a flourishing re/marriage ~ can you name them?	5 reasons millions of U.S. stepfamily re/marriages fail within 10 years (text);	Overview: 12 co-parent projects for mates who want to stay re/married and protect their kids
Why acknowledging your step- family identity is vital	What it (usually) means to be in a multi-home stepfamily	Clarify who belongs to your (pre-legal) stepfamily
Courtship checklist: is this best time to re/marry?	Courtship checklist: are these the right people (plural) to commit to?	Courtship checklist: am I considering re/marriage for  the right reasons?
Checklist: ingredients for a healthy relationship - do you two have enough?	Courtship checklist: 16 common danger signs	Scan how "pre-wired" male and female priorities affect your preferences and communications
Checklist: 30 common communication blocks; see any favorites?	Worksheet: your and your partner's current priorities - is your relationship # two?	Skill: Replace fighting, arguing, numbing, or fleeing with effective win-win problem-solving
Skill: learn how to master inevitable values and loyalty conflicts if you decide to co-commit	Skill: spot and thaw frozen grief in your three or more co-parents and your minor kids	Perspective and research on if and when to cohabit
Skill: How to spot and stop, or avoid, stressful relationship triangles	Worksheet: assess your relationship's current strengths and stressors	Worksheet - how personally balanced are each of you?
Tool: How to map (diagram) and improve your conflict-resolution process	Premises about identifying primary problems, and solving relationship conflicts	Worksheet - symptoms of an unfinished divorce

  Recommended readings

  Resolve Common Re/marital Problems

Foundations: read and discuss these first - and periodically!

• Q&A about relationships

• Premises about effective relationship problem-solving

• Help each other discern primary needs from surface needs

• Maintain a mutual respect attitude and a two-person "awareness bubble."

• Stay alert for values and loyalty conflicts, and relationship triangles

• Essential: clarity on personal and mutual human rights

• win-win problem-solving vs. denying, fighting, arguing, explaining, postponing, and withdrawing

Note - co-parent Project 8 (of 12) focuses on nurturing your marriage amidst many stressors.

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Updated  August 27, 2008