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| Break the [wounds +
unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents |
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Keys to a Satisfying
Marriage
Master the Pitfalls
Together
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW |
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please turn off your brow-ser's popup blocker
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 If
you're courting with
or without existing
children, follow the links. If you're re/married, go
here.
This is one of over 150 articles focused on
healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds +
unawareness]
and
divorce. This introduction
describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways
to use its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so
the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
In this article, "marriage" means any form of
committed primary relationship between two adults, and
"divorce" means the psychological or legal ending of a
marriage.
As a family-systems therapist since 1981, I’ve researched why
over half of typical U.S. couples divorce psychologically and legally.
This translates to millions of average kids and adults suffering
major losses and trauma from family stress and dis-integration.
I propose five reasons for our tragic divorce
epidemic, and specific steps available to committed couples to evolve satisfying,
long-lasting relation-ships and high-nurturance families.
This
article is one of a series on healthy primary relationships.
The article provides...
This article assumes you're familiar with these
concepts...
If you feel like skipping these foundation
articles, you may be dominated by a well-meaning
To learn if you are, see
this and
this.
In all ages and cultures, women and men have pledged
commitment to each other to fill some unique needs. What
are they?
Common Marital Needs
A need is an automatic urge to reduce or avoid some
emotional, physical, or spiritual discomfort - like hunger, sex, thirst, fear,
confusion, chill, exhaustion, pain, loneliness, and boredom. Our six (?) senses
ensure that every adult and child has a dynamic mix of needs which cause our perceptions, feelings, thoughts, and
behaviors. Frustration is a normal emotional reflex to being
unable to fill an important current need.
|
Premise - most unaware adults and all kids usually focus
on reducing surface needs, which are symptoms of one or
more underlying
For
example, "I want to feel happy and
content" is a vague surface need. To feel that "I am a
unique person of inherent worth, dignity, and value" is a primary need.
Surface needs often return in some form when underlying primary
needs aren't filled. |
Typical partners dominated by a
are often
of their and their
partner's primary needs. Combined
with ignorance of effective communication basics and skills, this blocks
primary-need fulfillment ("problem solving"), and ensures
significant
frustration in both partners. Sound familiar?
My
experience as a therapist is that most couples are only hazily aware of the mix of
primary needs they depend on (expect) each other to fill, until personal
discomforts rise high enough. Twenty seven years’
research and experience lead me to propose these typical ongoing
primary marital needs. Compare them to your own experience:
"In our relationship, I need
to feel...
And in our
marriage
I need to
feel genuinely and steadily...
-
trusted by
you with your
deepest current dreams, fears, shames, doubts, and joys; and...
-
companioned by
you, in a
mutually-interesting, stimulating variety of social and other experiences;
and to feel...
-
accepted by
you,
with all my limitations, needs,
fears, hopes,
and dreams;
and...
-
steadily encouraged by you
to
my
and
discover my
and...
-
separate enough from you,
so I can have my own friends, activities, and goals and keep my own
as an
individual. And some mates need...
-
to share the joys, sacrifices, and
sorrows of conceiving and/or raising kids together
For our relationship to work,
I need to feel each of these things genuinely (vs.
dutifully) about you often enough.
Have you ever seen a summary of common marital needs like this before? Does
this list seem valid to you? Can you think of other needs typical committed
mates try to fill in their relationship? How does this list affect your
understanding of why divorce is epidemic in America?
Do
you mates have an effective way of
and
your unmet needs? If
not, are you working on that together? Can you accept that each of you has a
set of concurrent human needs like these without feeling weak, weird, or too dependent? Did
your parents talk together about their version of these needs
when you were little? Did they help each other fill them?
What were you partners each taught about being "needy"?
For more perspective, consider these...
Five Roots
of Divorce
Premise - every committed couple is vulnerable to
these
causes of psychological and legal divorce:
-
significant
psychological
and...
-
of themselves + their relationship dynamics + key topics; and...
-
ineffective thinking,
communication, and problem-solving; and...
-
incomplete grief.
These
four roots combine to promote...
-
unwise
courtship-commitment
and significant stress after committing.
On a scale of 1 (minimally wounded and unaware) to 10 (very wounded
and unaware), where do you mates fit?
Paradox - significantly-wounded
people who aren't in
usually deny or minimize their wounds, and don't know what they're unaware
of...
Premise - most marital problems (unmet needs)
are symptoms of the five primary stressors above. Common symptoms
(surface stressors) include...
Each of these
surface (secondary) problems are stressful - and are
best avoided and resolved by working together patiently at these...
Marital Protections
1)
Help
each other understand the
ancestral [wounds + unawareness]
that burdens most families. Then honestly
yourselves and each other for significant false-self (psychological)
wounds, and commit to helping each other
any you find over several years
If your partner is
significantly wounded, select from these options.
2) Help
each other grow proficient
with effective-communication basics and skills. (i.e. keep work-ing at
Steadily use the skills together to resolve the inevitable stream of
and family
role and relationship conflicts you'll encounter for
many years. Evolve strategies to master these
three common stressors as teammates,
not adversaries. Then model and teach these basics, skills, and strategies to kids
and other important people in your lives;
3) Use
the skills of
and
periodically
to monitor
(a) what you each
from your relationship, and
(b) whether your respective needs are satisfied
enough - specially in the several years following your commitment
vows. As you do this, help each other learn to...
-
stay clear on, and firmly assert, your personal
rights;
-
value your and your mate's respective
needs, and opinions equally,
-
your needs respectfully,
-
intentionally maintain
mutual respect and
trust;
and to...
-
set and enforce respectful
with each other and others.
4) Help
each other stay clear on - and
honor - your personal and shared
and co-commit to keeping your relationship second to your
respective
and
except in emer-gencies. If you have young kids or teens, usually keep
their welfare third (except in emergencies) with minimal
to protect them from possible future divorce loss and trauma.
5) Help
each other learn and apply healthy
grieving basics, and intentionally
evolve a
fam-ily
together. Use
resources to assess for unfinished mourning, and to
complete it together.
6) Consider
distilling the most meaningful ideas from your wedding vows and
and
into a
marital
mission statement that
inspires, guides, and refocuses you on what you want to celebrate to-gether as
a contented old couple. Put the statement where you can see
it every day. If you elect not to do this, what does that suggest about your
true priorities?
7)
As
you apply these suggestions,
tailor these three
steps to guard other family members and supporters
against the toxic effects of the [wounds + unawareness]
|
The biggest marital protection is to do
Project 7 together in
courtship - i.e. your true Selves heeding these
danger signs, and
intentionally committing to the right partner and family, at
the right time, for the right reasons. |
Recap
Based on 28 years' clinical research on
and relationships, this article...
-
proposes 11 common needs that average
partners seek to fill by committing to each other,
-
five root
causes of most legal and psychological divorces. Based on these, the
article proposes...
-
seven practical,
options for
committed couples to
achieve and maintain a mutually-satisfying primary relationship and a
high-nurturance family.
This challenging, rewarding
effort has no real end, until one of you leaves or dies. So maintaining
a "good marriage" is a lifestyle choice,
not a finite "project."
Resources
-
Fill out this relationship
strength/stressor worksheet periodically (e.g. at anniversaries) and dis-cuss it as
partners, vs. competitors. This can help you stay aware and
focused on what’s good about your marriage, and what can get better.
-
This life-priority
worksheet gives you two another way of periodically identifying where
your time and energies are going recently. Assessing this together
periodically can help guard against "mari-tal
drift" - unconsciously allowing other responsibilities and goals to
outrank your marriage in
pri-ority.
-
Use this relationship
values worksheet to clarify key aspects of any special
relationship - including those among members of your inner family.
-
Invest in "The
Re/marriage Book," which integrates key articles and
ideas from this Web site. Most of this guidebook applies to first
marriages too.
Reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If
not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your wise
resident
(capital "S") or
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Updated
September 02, 2008
|
The
Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/08/marriage.htm