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The bad news: major racial, religious,
gender, or other
family or social biases can add major complexity and
to your
key relationships. The good news: there's a lot you
mates can do to overcome and/or adapt to this! Specifically:
Commit to doing family
together if you
haven't yet. This will bring you at least three bene-fits. First, you'll learn
whether you’re being unconsciously guided by a toxic
That opens up the priceless options of
your
true Self, harmonizing your
personality
and guarding your kids from false-self wounds.
Second, you'll better appreciate if the biased members of
your family (and others) are controlled by narrow-visioned false selves
and don't know it. If so, that
makes it easier to see them with compassion, vs. scorn, resentment, and
hostility.
Third, your minor kids
stand a far better chance of adult happiness and
if you
each begin to empower your true Selves. The odds are high if you mates are psychologically wounded, each minor
child has begun to adaptively form and behave from their own
Read the Project-1 guidebook “Who’s
Really Running Your Life?” (Xlibris.com, 2nd ed., 2002) or these
articles and worksheets for practical options.
Next, you partners can...
Evolve
your
personal Bills of Human Rights and
help each other affirm and assert them. If either of you is dominated by a
well-meaning but
false self,
your subselves will probably (a) avoid this, (b) feel ambivalent about it, or
(c) evolve a distorted
Bill. Your true Selves will want to affirm and respectfully
assert your rights.
Doing these options
builds a strong foundation for you to...
Learn
and practice the
seven effective communication skills in
to-gether. Over time,
this will empower each of you mates to assert your specific person-al
and re/marital rights and
respectfully (vs. antagonistically or
defensively), and handle your family members' anticipated resistances
calmly, firmly, and respect-fully. Is this what happens among you now? See the
Project-2
guidebook
Satisfactions - 7
relationship skills you need to know (Xlibris.com, 2002) or
these pages.
If one or both of you
partners are controlled by a well-meaning
or
false
self, knowledge of these seven communication skills won't help you much. The
skills become powerful when you really believe in your own worth and dignity,
and the
of each other member of your family. Do you mates each
believe that now? Do your actions show it?
Another empowering goal you
partners can work toward together is...
Identify,
validate, and
your personal and
marital boundaries together.
Recall that relationship boundaries are the limits of what behaviors
you will or won't tolerate without taking some specific action. Behaviorally,
boundaries are defined by "no," "yes," and "If you chose to do ‘x,’ then I (or we)
need you to know that I (we) will do ‘y’.” (an assertive
This option manifests as you
and your mate intentionally list specific prejudicial behaviors in other
family members that one or both of you will no longer tolerate without
confrontation or other specific reaction. This is similar to asserting and
enacting child-discipline consequences respectfully and firmly.
To enhance your
effectiveness with this, another powerful option you have is to...
Learn
(a) what
and
conflicts
and
are; and how to
(b) spot and (c)
avoid and dissolve them. Your success will increase if you mates both
get clear on what the
of your
family and marriage are, and what your personal and marital
are.
Can you name each
of these now? They depend on your
of each other's
(vs. surface) needs. That can
happen when your true Selves (capital "S") consistently lead your respective inner families
(personalities).
A final powerful
anti-prejudice option is...
Choose
not
to take responsibility for other family adults' emotions, beliefs, or needs. We're
trained since birth to feel that if we cause stress in our parents and sibs, and
that we're wrong and/or "bad"
True adult
requires us to accept that every able adult - including
parents - is responsible for managing her or his own needs, values, and
comfort. Yes, we often need others' help in
managing these well enough - and the ultimate responsibility
for our adult life-quality rests solely with ourselves.
Do
your ruling subselves believe that?
So
if you have a family tradition or habit of responding to other members'
or
them if
they're floundering, reconsider. Choosing responsibility for another's anger,
pain, or fear on top of your own can promote toxic relationship triangles,
with you as a rescuer. It can also foster the unhealthy condition of
- relationship
addiction.
Primal
and (parental)
abandonment makes this sixth option hard. If your parent moans reprovingly "I lay awake
nights worrying about this (prejudicial) situation you're in," some
insecure (probably
subselves may
subliminally feel "If I confront you on that, I risk hurting and disappoint-ing you, so you might reject and abandon me."
As an infant, such
abandonment literally meant death. If your
is still
active and squall-ing, s/he knows nothing about logic or your adult ability to
survive on your own now. All s/he knows is wordless terror and neediness.
Ideally, your gifted
subself will soothe and comfort that
blessed inner
child.
If that isn't happening, doing
("parts work") can promote it. For example, you
might say something genuine and compassionate like "Mom (Dad), I'm sad you
choose to upset yourself with worry like that. I hope you find a way to reduce
that soon (because it’s your problem, not mine)." To be effective,
this needs to be spontaneous, compassionate, respectful, unambivalent,
non-punitive, and non-sarcastic or manipulative. Your true Self will naturally
supply those.
Another important option you
have is to...
-
learn how family racial, religious,
gender, and/or ethnic
tensions are affecting
each of your dependent kids; and
-
tell them how such tensions affect you,
within limits). Then...
-
patiently teach them about
personality subselves, true Selves, loyalty
conflicts and triangles, personal rights, and boundaries, and the seven
communication skills.
Help your kids understand with compassion and empathy why some
shame-based, unaware people need to judge others as inferior. Help your young
ones learn to identify, assert, and defend their human rights and boundaries,
and show them what that looks and sounds like! Generations of unborn children
are mutely depending on you to do this
for them all. There lives will be easier if you do.
A final option transcends marital bigotry "problems." It is for you partners to do
to-gether: intentionally build a personal and
family support network, and use it.
If you're in a
all your members have a higher
need for effective adult and child supports than healthy-biofamily peers.
People dominated by
false selves often avoid asking for, or accepting, needed support. When that happens, everyone, including your future
generations and society, suffers.
Your alternatives to
these proactive options are to...
Each of these choices risks inexorably corroding
your self-esteems and bonding, weakening your marriage, and promoting
psychological
in yourselves and your kids.
How might these options
sound, with the couple this article began with?
Options in Action
There are lots of
variations. Let’s call the woman who began this article Layla and her fiancé Ed.
Option: Clarity on personal
rights and
and a clear, respectful
Layla: “Ed, I appreciate how hard it
is for you to be in the middle of this loyalty conflict. I need you to ask you
parents to sit down with you and me in the next two weeks and discuss their
racial attitudes honestly, and how they affect us. This is a
(“no” or
“maybe” are not OK responses), not a request. Will you do that for us?”
Option:
and
relationship-
awareness and work:
Ed: “I’ve read about inner wounds in Project 1, and I really am run by a false self on this bigotry
struggle we have. When you ask me to confront myself and my parents on their
prejudice, I get taken over by a gang: my
and some fearful subselves.
My Self
gets paralyzed, and I waffle, procrastinate, and give you
I
really do love you and want to be with you, and I see I have to choose between
you and my parents, if they can’t change their attitudes. I need help to do
this, starting with
of my inner crew. I affirm your
right to dignity, and to demand that I work on my inner-family problem and
confront my parents. This is hard!”
Option:
Respectful
dialog, if Layla and
Ed confront his parents:
Layla: “Mr. and Mrs. Jackson, I know
you were raised in a family and society that passed on the belief that Black
people are inferior. I was raised with the belief that biased white people are
ignorant and should be pitied or reviled. I sure don’t want to feel that way
about you two, or your kinfolk. Am I on track, so far?”
Mr. Jackson: “Look, we don’t want any
trouble. We just feel that if you and Eddie join up, you and our grandkids are
going to have a world of trouble because of, uh, how some people are.”
Layla, calmly: “You’re really
concerned about Ed’s and the kids’ happiness, long-range.”
Mr. Jackson: “Yeah. We don’t hold
anything personal against you, Layla.” (he feels heard, not
attacked)
Ed: “I don’t want Jeannie and Billie
(his kids) to get hurt either. And I need you to balance my
happiness with yours and theirs. I need you both to accept Layla and me as a
committed couple, and to help us confront other people who don’t understand
and approve. I think the kids will be OK if our three families (including his
ex wife) can pull together. Will you do this for us?” (Affirmation, and
clear, respectful asser-tion. This is a request, not a demand – yet).
If the senior Jackson’s
still had reservations or ambivalences (their inner families were
conflicted), Layla and Ed would use respectful empathic listening and
re-assertion of their needs – and perhaps problem-solving - until they reached
some acceptable resolution or confirmed they had an
This conversation would be
best initiated after Ed and Layla had (a)
their true Selves
of
their personalities via Project-1
work, and then (b) resolved their respective
and relationship
The couple could also benefit from ole-playing this difficult
confrontation first, and helping each other refine their assertions and
responses to the Jackson’s expected resistances.
Can you imagine doing some
version of this in your situation? You can learn to do so, if you
really want to! Review the spirit, wisdom, and power of these timeless
Then quiet your thoughts, and listen carefully to your inner Voice now. S/He
knows the next right thing to do...
Recap
Human history is spattered
with tragic examples of needy, insecure, unaware, psychologically-
people needing to judge
others as inferior,
bad, unworthy, or evil. If this is true for you
partners, you’re vulnerable to
additional stress on top of other
you must master
or adapt to over time.
This
extra stress comes from spoken or covert bigotry and prejudice among your
family members and neighbors who judge one or both of you mates as inferior,
and/or believe that you should marry "your own kind."
This article reviews common
surface symptoms of such prejudices, and suggests seven underlying primary
problems beneath them These
surface and underlying root problems, and your solution options, apply to
prejudices among your stepfamily relatives about gender-preferences,
religious faith, education level, power, wealth,
social status, "collar color," and nationality.
You and your kids don't have
to be martyrs or victims of other (wounded) peoples'
false-self distortions and ignorance!
Note the
guidebook for Project 8: "The Remarriage Book
- master common stressors together." It integrates many articles and
resources in this Solutions series and non-profit Web site. If the
prejudice you face has to do with a same-gender partnership, see
this.
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what
you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what
you need? Is there anyone you want to
discuss these ideas with? Who's answering these
questions - your wise resident
or
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