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address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/08/project08.htm
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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
family relationships and
preventing divorce. This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the
more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
This
article outlines the eighth of
that can help couples build a
satisfying long-term relationship
and healthy family amidst many responsibilities, stressors, and distractions. See this
index for all
Project-8 articles in this divorce prevention Web site.
Why
Do This Project?
Because it's estimated that over half of
U.S. marriages eventually
psychologically or legally. American remarriages fail at an even higher
rate. This suggests that millions of typical couples (a) are making
unwise
and (b) don't know
to help each other fill their relationship needs well enough.
This nonprofit Web site is dedicated to
preventing divorce and helping couples evolve high-nurturance
families. Project 8 builds on
which
aim to prepare men and women to achieve these two vital goals.
Projects 3 and 4 apply to typical stepfamily couples,
who are at special risk of re/divorce.
|
Project 8
Goal:
Partners work
together to (a) maintain a mutually-satisfying
primary relationship amidst ceaseless environmental stressors and
distractions; and to (b) steadily keep their relation-ship
behind their individual
and
|
Project-8 ideas and options apply to
any committed couple in any family. Couples in typical
families and
have extra challenges to recognize and master together to nurture their
relationship successfully.
Premises
Primary relationships form to fill a set of
Divorce indicates that one
or both partners lost hope that their needs could be filled well enough.
Two main reasons for this are:
-
needy, unaware partners
make unwise courtship (commitment)
and...
-
committed mates
can't effectively
relationship problems like these:
All other "marital problems" - like
money, affairs,
addictions,
loyalties,
too little time together,
boundary violations,
parenting,
and
are symptoms of these nine core issues.
|
All
nine
of these basic relationship problems are symptoms a deeper problem: the toxic
+ unawareness]
inherited from uninformed
ancestors who
low-nurturance childhoods and an unaware society.
|
SO -
-
if
you're single or courting and you want the best odds for a
satisfying long-term primary relationship, work patiently at
(make three wise courtship choices);
-
if
you're already in a committed relationship,
-
If
you're in a stepfamily - or may be, also invest time and effort
in...
-
learning these
foundations,
-
studying these
Q&A items, and working
at...
-
(accept your stepfamily identity and what it means), and...
-
(form realistic expectations), and work at...
-
Projects
as appropriate.
After commitment vows, work patiently with your partner at all
starting
with
(reduce psychological
and
(learn effective com-munication skills, and teach them to your kids).
If
you did your version of courtship
well together, then your distress is probably resolvable - perhaps with
qualified
Pay special attention to false-self wound
and
(Project 1) and your mutual
skills
(Project 2). If
these don't work, my guess is one or both of you is often
ruled by a false
self, and/or may be unfinished grieving major
- see
If
you two didn't work at these seven Projects...
-
you may still be able to do them
and fill your primary needs well enough, or...
-
the Projects won't
help enough, and you'll emotionally or legally
separate.
Review this article for more
perspective and many constructive options.
If
either of you committed to the wrong persons, for the wrong reasons, at
the wrong time, then it can't
be helped. If you...
-
work at Projects 1-6 and 8,
-
use competent marriage
or family counseling, and...
-
you remain unhappy...
...use the three
Project-7 inventories to
assess whether you made
unwise courtship choices. If so, learn from your experience,
forgive yourselves,
and move on; vs. living unfulfilled with
and false hope.
Notice how you feel now. Pause and
reflect on what you just read, and what it means in your and your kids'
lives, short and long range. If helpful, refresh your wide-angle perspective by reviewing
the summary of all
Option: with this Project (8) in mind, consider having an honest talk with
your Future self...
Project 8 Resources
Note that Project 7 and Project 8 focus
on choosing and maintaining healthy primary relationships. The other
focus on building a
and
breaking the [wounds + unawareness] cycle.
Note that 
Next -