Some people feel that marriage is marriage, whether it's the first time
or the third. Well - yes and no.
All mates commit hoping to steadily
fill an interactive set of personal and social needs (below).
Divorces occur because one or both partners lose hope that their
needs will be filled well enough, often enough. Do you agree? This
implies that over half of recent American couples can't...
-
and
their partnership-needs effectively,
-
make three wise
and they can't...
-
significant relationship problems (unfilled needs) effectively.
This
suggests that previously-married partners who commit to a new mate needs to
acknowledge and master these three stressors or risk another
breakup. It also implies that their new mate needs to be fully aware of these three
stressors during their courtship-selection process.
What percentage of average U.S. re/marrying women and men do you suppose (a)
understand these three challenges and their implications, and (b) are
motivated and able to master them? Sociologists estimate well over half
can't, as judged by the widely-quoted ~60% U.S. re/divorce rate.
This percentage is too low, because it excludes uncountable psychological re/divorces.
What's
Different About Re/marriage?
An web of significant things:
-
partners are usually older than first-marriers (e.g.
30s to mid-50s or older), which means they may...
-
be wiser and more
-
have progressed on reducing any
psychological
-
have significantly
different life
than in their 20s, and they may...
-
have developed a wider
than younger mates; and..
-
any
will have progressed
toward resolution: premature death, or
and recovering;
-
unlike first marriers, one
or both mates may be widowed or divorced, and a parent;
-
American re/married
partners are more apt to differ significantly in age, religion, and
ethnic background than typical first-marriers;
-
they're usually wealthier
and more advanced in their careers;
-
they may have one or more minor or adult kids,
and possibly grandkids;
-
their parents may be retired, elderly, infirm,
or dead;
-
partners'
social status may be different - especially if
they're forming a stepfamily and/or re/marrying for the third or fourth
time;
-
most
partners know from experience that "love
may NOT be enough (for a happy marriage)," so they may
have more realistic expectations;
-
they and any kids and
bonded relatives have major death or divorce-related
(broken bonds) to
and may or
have progressed on or completed their grieving;
-
re/marrying parents have
more child-raising experience than typical first-marriers;
-
divorcing adults now know what the
psychological and legal divorce process feels like - and
may or may not be more decisive about choosing it again.
-
typical stepfamily environments
are more complex,
alien, and stressful than childless re/mar-riages, which makes
courtship
significantly more complicated and risky; and...
-
typical American re/marriages fail more often than average first
unions for the same four reasons as
first divorces. The
risk of failure may be higher for typical re/marrying divorcees than for
widow/ers.
Can you think of other
significant differences?
Bottom line - re/marriage is the same as first marriage in (a)
the needs that each mate seeks to fill; (b) the legal contract, rights, and
obligations of marriage; and (c) the social and religious rites to sanctify
it. At the same time, typical
re/marriages differ from first unions
in at least 13 ways -
personally, relationally, and socially. Did
you realize this? Does your mate and other key people?
Now let's look at...
Common (Re)marital Needs
A need is an automatic urge to reduce or avoid some
emotional, physical, or spiritual discomfort - like hunger, sex, thirst, fear,
confusion, chill, exhaustion, pain, loneliness, and boredom. Our six (or more?) senses
ensure that every adult and child has a dynamic mix of current needs which combine to cause our
perceptions, feelings, and
behaviors.
|
Premise - most unaware adults and all kids usually focus
on reducing surface needs, which are symptoms of one or
more underlying
For
example, "I want to feel happy and
content" is a vague surface need. To feel that "I am a
unique person of inherent worth, dignity, and value" is a primary need.
Surface needs often return in some form when root primary needs aren't
satisfied. |
Typical partners dominated by a
are often
of their and their
partner's primary needs. Combined
with ignorance of effective communication basics and skills, this blocks
primary-need fulfillment ("problem solving"), and ensures frequent
frustration in both partners. Sound familiar?
My
clinical experience is that most couples are only hazily aware of the mix of
primary needs they depend on (or expect) each other to fill, until personal
discomforts rise high enough. Twenty years’
re-search and experience lead me to propose these typical ongoing
primary marital needs. Reality-check these against your own experience:
"In our relationship, I need to
feel genuinely and consistently loved by you - i.e. to feel…
special to, and
prized
by you, among all your other relationships and
This is a measure of your
commitment to me and to our unique relationship."
And I need to feel...
needed emotionally and physically
by you, but not over-needed
and...
respected and appreciated by you as a unique adult person, a fe/male, a mate, a sexual partner, a home
co-manager, a co-parent, and a citizen/neighbor"; and I need
to feel...
liked and
enjoyed by
you often enough; and to feel...
empathically (vs. agreed with), by you frequently;
and...
And in our committed relationship,
I need to
feel genuinely and steadily...
trusted by
you with your
deepest current dreams, fears, shames, doubts, and joys; and...
companioned by
you, in a
mutually-interesting, stimulating variety of social and other experiences;
and to feel...
accepted by
you,
with all my limitations, needs,
fears, hopes,
and dreams;
and...
steadily encouraged by you
to
my
and
discover my life purpose; and...
separate enough from you,
so I can have my own friends, activities, and goals and keep my own
as an
individual. And some mates need...
to share the joys, sacrifices, and
sorrows of conceiving and/or raising kids together
And for our relationship to work,
I need to feel each of these things genuinely (vs.
dutifully) about you often enough.
Have you ever seen a summary of common marital needs like this before? Does
this list seem valid to you? Can you think of other needs typical committed
mates try to fill in their relationship? How does this list affect your
understanding of why divorce is epidemic in America?
Do
you have an effective way of
discussing, and
unmet and conflictual needs yet? If
not, are you working on that together? Can you accept that each of you has a
set of concurrent human needs like these without feeling weak, weird, or too dependent? Did your
parents have a version of these needs? Did they talk together about them
when you were little? How did they try to fill their needs?
What were you mates each taught about being "needy"?
Next, let's review common...
Types of Re/committed
Couples
Re/married
partners may be...
-
both divorced one or more times
-
one divorced or widowed, and
the
other never married before
-
both widowed, recently or not
-
independent,
interdependent, or
|
-
one or both significantly
-
with or without existing kids
and
friendly or hostile ex-mates
-
formally married or just cohabiting
-
heterosexual or
same-gender
|
Each
of these couple-types (a) tries to fill the relationship needs above,
(b) has significant losses (broken bonds) to mourn, (c) must
and
effectively to fill their needs, and (d) has living and dead genetic and
legal relatives, with whom they are significantly bonded or not.
To finish our perspective on re/marriage, consider these...
Five Roots
of Divorce
Each type of couple is vulnerable to the
these
causes of psychological and legal divorce:
-
two to six significant
psychological wounds; and...
-
of themselves + their dynamics + key topics; and...
-
ineffective thinking,
communication, and problem-solving; and...
-
incomplete grief. These
four combine to promote...
-
needy, impulsive, unwise
courtship-commitment
, and significant stress after committing.
The couples at lowest risk of
re/divorce are each minimally wounded, widowed, childless, and
formally remarried. The couples at most risk are significantly wounded
stepfamily co-parents who are each divorced and cohabiting without legal
marriage. Where do you mates fit in this spectrum?
Whatever type you two are, there are specific
choices you can
make to combat these five stressors effectively. They
are best begun in courtship or before - and can still be useful after
exchanging vows. What choices?
Re/marital Safeguards
Premise - most primary-partnership problems (unmet needs)
are symptoms of the five primary stressors above. Common symptoms
(surface stressors) include...
Each of these
surface (secondary) problems are stressful - and are
best resolved by working together patiently at these suggestions...
All Couples
1)
Help
each other understand the
ancestral [wounds + unawareness]
that burdens most Americans and their families. Then honestly
yourselves and each other for significant false-self (psychological)
wounds, and commit to helping each other
any you find over several years.
If your partner is
significantly wounded, review, tailor and apply these
options.
2) Help
each other grow proficient
with effective-communication basics and skills. (i.e. keep work-ing at
and steadily use the skills together to resolve the inevitable stream of
and family
role and relationship conflicts you'll encounter for
many years. Evolve strategies to master these
three common stressors as teammates,
not adversaries. Then model and teach these basics, skills, and strategies to kids
and other important people in your lives;
3) Use
the skills of
and
periodically
to monitor
(a) what you each
from your relationship, and
(b) whether your respective needs are satisfied
enough - specially in the several years following your commitment
vows. As you do this, help each other learn to...
-
stay clear on, and firmly assert, your personal rights;
-
value your and your mate's respective
needs, and opinions equally,
-
your needs respectfully, and to...
-
set and enforce respectful
with each other and others.
4) Help
each other stay clear on - and
honor - your personal and shared
and co-commit to keeping your relationship second to your
respective
and
except in emergencies. If you have young kids or teens, usually keep
their welfare third with minimal
to protect them from possible future divorce loss and trauma (again).
5) Help each other learn and apply healthy
grieving basics, and intentionally
evolve a
fam-ily
together. Use
resources to assess for incomplete mourning, and
complete it together.
6)
As
you apply these
concurrent suggestions, adapt these three
steps to help other family mem-bers and supporters guard you all
against role and relationship conflict and stress.
Stepfamily Re/marriages
In addition to the safeguards above,
7) The most powerful
safety measure you have
against probable re/divorce is to invest time in
during courtship. This will combat all five major
causes of re/divorce
- specially committing to the wrong
(adults and kids) for the wrong
at the wrong
8) After exchanging vows, add
to those above, as patient marital and co-parenting team-mates.
Pay special attention to Project
8 - steadily nurture your re/marriage, amidst complex stepfamily
and co-parenting tasks.
9) Evaluate the options in this
menu of solutions to specific stepfamily problems - as teammates;
And...
10) Find and use stepfamily-informed
lay and
with the roughest spots along the way. Do this as
a demonstration of strength and commitment, not "weakness"!
Pause and notice where your thoughts and feelings take you now. If you
feel
stay aware - you don't have to do these things all at once, and you have
(hopefully) a willing partner to join you in progressing on them a bit
at a time. The key to succeeding
at these challenging personal and relation-ship tasks is to
your
to
your personality most of the time.
Recap
Based on 28 years' clinical research on
and relationships, this Project-8 article...
-
offers perspective on marriage and
remarriage,
-
proposes 13 common needs that average
partners seek to fill by committing to each other, and five root
causes of most legal and psychological divorces. Based on these, the
article proposes...
-
seven practical,
unique options for all
committed couples, and three more for typical stepfamily couples to
achieve a mutually-satisfying primary relationship and a
high-nurturance family.
This
challenging, rewarding
effort has no real end, until one of you leaves or dies. That makes
this goal more of a freely-chosen life-style choice than a finite "project."
The
Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/08/remarriage.htm