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This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and
divorce. This intro-duction describes the Web
site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article
is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more
you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment, vs.
replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
This article
is one of a series on improving primary
relationships. It offers...
a status check on your and your
partner's respect
options if
your mate has low self esteem,
and...
rebuilding
respect for your mate; and
your mate's respect for
you; and
"Respect - the
Heart of Every Marriage," - by Annie Gottlieb.
The article assumes you're
familiar with...
When
courtship fantasies and tolerances inevitably fade, relationship realities
often cause mates to lose respect for themselves and/or each other as
a person, a mate, and/or a co-parent. Lost respect in
these roles cripples effective communication, raises household anxieties and
resentments, and promotes most
| If you and your partner don't feel respected enough
by yourselves and each other, your relation-ship will decay and
the
of your home will drop. That will probably promote shame-based (wounded)
children. Do you agree? |
This
is pretty theoretical. let's get real now, by your taking a...
Status Check
Thoughtfully rank each of these items from 1 (“very low”) to 10
(“very high”). Notice your thoughts and feelings
as you do this. “You” is your
partner, and “co-parent” means a part-time or full-time bioparent or
stepparent.
My
recent respect for myself as a person: ___
My
recent respect for you as a person: ___
My
recent respect for myself as a spouse: ___
My
recent respect for you as a spouse: ___
My
recent respect for myself as a co-parent: ___
My
recent respect for you as a co-parent: ___
In the last
six months, my respect for myself has grown (True False ?)
In the last
six months, my respect for you has grown (True False ?)
Estimate
how your mate would answer each of the above.
Now see how you feel about each of
these ideas so far. “A” = agree, “D” = disagree, and “?” = ”I’m not sure, or
don’t care.”
Respect, pride, and forgiveness are some
of the components of love. Intentionally improving these components
may or may not grow love. (A D ?)
I and my mate can intentionally
assess, discuss, and change self and mutual respect.
(A D ?)
We each can choose to replace
shame with non-egotistical pride in our own values, abili-ties, and actions,
over time. (A D ?)
I am responsible for my self-respect, attitudes, and actions; but
not for my partner’s self-respect, self-love, guilt, and shame or pride; and
vice versa. (A D ?)
We each can choose to reduce and
avoid guilt (A D ?)
We can earn, but not consciously
create or force, self-love and/or love of or from each other. (A D ?)
Acceptance of each other is not
being nonjudgmental, it’s being truly at peace with the judgments we make of
ourselves and each other. (A D ?)
I feel
some mix of
calm,
centered, energized, light, focused, resilient,
up, grounded, relaxed, alert, aware, serene,
purposeful, and clear, so my
is probably
my
now. (True False ?)
Pause and reflect - what are you aware of now? Do you see anything above
that you want to change?
Premise - the first priority
here is to assess your self respect. If you haven't recently,
see this for perspective and
options.
Options If
Your Mate Has Low Self Respect
If you have been often ruled by
a false self, you probably picked a significantly-
partner. If so, s/he probably has
significantly
as a person, fe/male, mate, and/or
co-parent. If so, that will
every relationship in your home,
starting with your marriage. You can (a) ignore or mini-mize this, (b) accept it
passively with scorn or compassion,
or (c) try some version of these action-op-tions:
Clarify who is responsible for
your mate’s self respect. I propose that s/he is, not you, a child,
relative, or ex mate.
Evaluate
your mate’s self
respect. If it’s “too low,” identify specifically how that affects you
and others you care about. If you feel these effects are “significant,” then…
Identify (a)
and
(b)
your options for filling them, and (c)
your needs
respectfully.
How can you evaluate your mate’s self respect? Your
governing subselves probably have an informal opinion already. Do they use the
same criteria you apply to yourself? If subselves other than your Inner
Critic and Perfectionist judge your mate, they may use different
criteria. To stimulate and clarify your judgment, review these behavioral
symptoms of excessive
shame.
Options:
-
keep in mind the several levels of respect: as a person, a wo/man, a
partner, a parent, and other roles.
-
evaluate your mate’s self-judgment in calm times and conflicts separately, and...
-
consider the opinion of objective others who know your partner well.
Are you
comfortable telling your mate that you're doing this? If not - what's the
risk?
Also evaluate the
effects of your partner’s
(high or low) self-respect on you all. These can be trivial to significant, and direct or indirect. Assess these to problem-solve, not blame! Some
typical surface effects are...
worrying excessively about other
people's opinions.
not accepting or enjoying merited praise.
being overly concerned with
winning, succeeding,
and avoiding blame.
an excessive need to blame others, play the victim or
martyr, and/or avoid owning respon-sibility for mistakes or hurting
others. This can promote stressful relationship
in and between your homes.
unconsciously
(a) sending “1-up” or “1-down”
in key communications, and/or
(b) misperceiving others’ mutual-respect R-messages as 1-up or 1-down.
being excessively reactive to, or critical of, kids’
attitudes, behavior, appearance, friends, and/or school performance.
seeking or accepting work well below the level of your
mate’s talents. This can mean earning significantly less money than s/he
might, which has multiple effects on your lifestyle.
gossiping critically about family members and others.
not asserting opinions or needs honestly, and being
frequently dissatisfied. Common symptoms: chronic irritability, grumpiness,
pessimism, apathy, etc.
being hyper-concerned with grooming, clothing, body shape
and size, “manners,” and/or home decorating, cleaning, and neatness.
All these breed comparisons, competitions, anxiety, defensiveness, and
pretenses.
being extra concerned with
righteousness, sin,
and religious rituals.
unwillingness to disclose or discuss emotions, fantasies,
or certain thoughts or behaviors. This inhibits true
intimacy.
difficulty initiating, enjoying, or discussing appropriate
sensual and sexual thoughts, needs, experiences, and activities.
often speaking vaguely, or
lying directly or by omission.
various forms of
bigotry,
bias, and intolerance.
And overall,
the shamed and guilty subselves causing your
partner's low self-respect can cause her or him to…
vehemently
explain, hide, bemoan, and/or
defend symptoms like these – i.e. to avoid taking responsibility for (a) them
and their family and social impacts, and for (b) improving his or her self respect.
| Key:
assess how your mate’s self-respect level affects (a)
your respect for her or him, and (b) your relationship - e.g. "Jenny, I
feel discouraged and frustrated when you discount or reject my comple-ments,
and avoid eye contact." |
The cumulative impacts of low self-respect like these
inevitably reduce the
in your home and family
relationships – specially if you both cause them. The effects of low
self-respect are usually interactive and self-amplifying. That is, shame as a
person or in a role (e.g. “parent” or “wage earner”) breeds more shame,
which hinders personal
from all false-self
If you feel your
mate's self-respect is too
low (for you, not your partner), then
and
your needs. You may need your mate to
change...
-
core attitudes (“I’m uncomfortable that you
tolerate low self respect. I need you to face that, and proactively raise your
self esteem.”);
and/or...
-
specific behaviors
(“I need you want to look at me when we have a conflict”),
| The first of these is
or demanding a
which can only come from within. Note the difference
between needing your mate to want to make the change themselves, vs.
changing a behavior dutifully or anxiously to please you. Your assertion
language is important here. (“I need you to want to recover
from your false-self wounds.”) |
Before asserting your needs about your mate’s self respect,
I suggest that you be very clear...
-
what you’re asking for,
-
why; and...
- "Be Spontaneous! paradoxes" - self-defeating communications which ask or demand someone to
want to give you something that can only be given freely and spontaneously
like
love, attention, respect, interest, empathy, caring, forgiveness, and trust.
Options: Use your
Project-2
and
skills
to help you guard against such a paradox. Note that
Be-spontaneous!
paradoxes often signal local false-self dominance and communication
una-wareness.
Also, before making any
important assertions here...
-
affirm your Bill of
Personal Rights, and
refresh yourself on key ideas about...
-
mutual-respect attitudes and
-
effective
-
empathic
and...
-
offering others clear, respectful
feedback.
We've reviewed options for
adapting if your partner has low self-esteem. Now let's look at options
for...
Rebuilding
Respect for Your Mate
Many spouses disapprove of some traits of their partner. If
the disapproval becomes major, the relationship is apt to decay. If
you have lost respect for your mate as a person, a wo/man, a partner, a
parent, and/or some other important role, what can you do?
The following assumes your true Self
usually
your personality, and that you admit (vs. numb, deny, or rationalize) that
you've lost significant respect for your partner.
Option 1) If you haven’t yet, draft a
Personal Bill of Rights.
You
have a right to decide whether you respect your mate or not for your own
reasons - without guilt or shame. Marriage commitment does not mean you must
sacrifice your
integrity to pretend respect you don’t feel. Do you agree?
2) Choose
a
long-range viewpoint, and an attitude like
"These steps can only help me and my part-ner." If you can't believe
that without (false-self) ambivalence, at least be aware of what your attitudes
(inner voices) are.
3) Refresh
your judgment criteria.
Think of several people you solidly respect (including yourself?). List the
specific things about their attitudes and actions that earn your approval and
admiration. Look for patterns. It may help if these people are the same gender
as your mate. This is research to unearth your unique criteria for
earning your respect.
5) Look
at your self respect! When that’s closer to where you want it, then
(a) define the respect problem with your mate.
Recall that problems are unfilled
needs, so (b) use your respect criteria to clarify what you
from your
partner. Option: get quiet and undistracted with writing materials, and
medi-tate…
6)
Review the idea of
behavioral (superficial) and core-attitude (permanent)
Then decide which of
those you need your mate to make. Stay aware that the latter usually
requires the person to want to shift their dominant subselves.
7)
study the
seven
communication
in Project 2, specially awareness, digging down, empathic
listening, and assertion. Read and apply th ideas in
this article and this one on
giving constructive feed-back. Meditate on
how your disrespect for your mate
in your behaviors, and identify
specifically how that may be affecting her or him and any kids living in
or visiting your home. If you feel it's safe, ask them.
Option 8) Guard
against repressing your needs for fear of conflict and/or "hurting her/his
feelings." Doing this is often
not "thoughtfulness." View respectful
feedback to your partner as a well-meant gift,
even if it causes
discomfort. Your mate is responsible for managing his or her feelings
(needs), and you are responsible for yours. Do you agree?
9) honestly
evaluate the
pros and cons of accepting the status quo for now, or confronting your partner
on (a) regaining your lost respect for them and/or (b) false-self wounds. If you pick
"confront," evolve a Self-based plan over time about asserting your need for her or him to
for false-self
dominance, and work at personal recovery via some version of
for
personal health - not to ap-pease you!
10)
honestly whether your mate is
and often
ruled by a false self. Then one at a time, review each
of your partner's traits that shrink your respect. Rank-order them from most
to least important. For each trait, mull: "Is this something that I
think s/he could change without wanting to
his/her false-self wounds?"
Reality: unless you two worked at some
version of
before
exchanging vows, one or both of you
may have committed to the wrong
for the wrong
at the wrong
Option: review
for more
perspective on this. If this is true for you, your mate may not be able to merit your respect without
hitting bottom and committing to personal recovery. If so, accept that you
can't make or expect your mate do this. It must come from within.
Stretch, breathe, and decide if you need a break before
continuing. When you're ready, let’s
review your options for rebalancing
respect between you mates.
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