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its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the
more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
These ideas and suggestions will make more sense
after you read ...
This article covers two common related conflicts between mates: accepting
their stepfamily
and related disagreements about
Let's look at the first of these...
Perspective
Since 1981, I’ve taken
over 3,000 calls on the non-profit Stepfamily inFormation
“warm line.” Most have been from women looking for stepparenting support
groups or therapist referrals. I learned to ask them and my hundreds of
re/married clients, “Do you and your partner see yourselves as belonging
to a stepfamily?” Over 80% of the answers have been:
-
“I do, but I’m not sure my partner
does,” or...
-
“I guess so,” or...
-
“ I never really though about it,” or
- “No, I (or we) feel we’re ‘just a (regular
bio)family.’”
Typical stepfamilies
differ from intact biofamilies in over 60
structural and
dynamic ways.
Many people dislike identifying as a stepfamily because of associations with (divorce) failure,
abnormal, and second best. Other re/wedded couples say
“OK, we’re a stepfamily. So what?”
If either of these
describes you or your partner, you risk trying to
your biofamilies and
build your complex new roles and relationships based on up to ~60
common stepfamily misconceptions. This
silently promotes major re/marital and household hurt, confusion,
frustration, and escalating conflict.
Co-parent
is “accept your stepfamily identity, and agree on who belongs.”
is “learn and apply what
being a stepfamily
-
form realistic expectations” Ideally you two will have put major effort
into these and other projects before you chose to re/marry. If you
didn’t, or you aren’t genuinely motivated to do so now, read on.
This article offers perspective and options if you mates are conflicted over
(a) your stepfamily identity, (b) what it means, and/or (c) a child’s “other
parent/s” belonging to your stepfamily. Start with this brief
inventory:
# Status check: T = true, F = false,
and “?” = “I’m not sure,” or “it depends…” (on what?)
My
partner and I agree now on what
a stepfamily is (T F ?)
I
solidly accept
that my mate and
I, all our minor and grown kids, and all their bioparents, stepparents,
and legal and blood kin, are
of a stepfamily. (T F ?)
My
partner fully accepts that we
all are members of a normal stepfamily now. (T F ?)
We both
regularly use the words stepfamily, stepparent, stepson(daughter), stepmother(father), and
step-grandparent in our thoughts and public conversations. (T F ?)
We each
(a) can name at least 10
of the 60 differences between stepfamilies and intact biofamilies, and
(b)
we can describe what these differences mean to our adults and kids.
(T F ?)
My mate
and I (a) accept that stepfamilies are very different than intact biofamilies, and
(b)
we are actively seeking to learn “what’s normal” in a
stepfamily like ours. (T F ?)
My
partner and I solidly agree that
our kids’ other co-parents’ dignity, integrity, and child-raising needs, opinions, values, and
welfare are just as important as ours. (T F ?)
I feel some mix of calm,
centered, energized, light, focused, resilient,
up, grounded, relaxed, alert, aware, serene,
purposeful, and clear, so
my
is probably leading my
now. (T F ?)
Pause and notice your
thoughts and emotions. Have you ever experienced these questions before?
What are you aware of now? Even if you answered “T(rue)” to all these items,
scan the following with an open mind.
are expert at distorting reality to minimize anxiety,
guilt, shame, and conflict…
Common Symptoms
Typical surface
re/marital problems with your stepfamily identity can take many forms. Check
any that you feel apply to you:
I don't really know if my mate
agrees or cares that we're in a stepfamily or not because "We never
talk about it."
My partner seems to think
“stepfamily identity” is a big deal and "made" me read this, or vice versa.
My mate clearly, even vehemently,
rejects accepting our stepfamily identity, despite my explanations and
requests.
S/He acknowledges we're in a
stepfamily, but resists reading and applying co-parenting books or talking
with other co-parents. My partner may openly or subtly discourage our adults
and kids from using titles like "my stepson," “our stepfamily,” and "I'm
Jeremy's stepdad." This distresses me or I ignore it.
One or both of us "forget" to
acknowledge socially that (a) one or both of us was divorced before, and/or
that (b) one or more of your minor kids weren't conceived by us. We may refer
to a stepchild as “my (or our) son or daughter,” and feel "uneasy" about
that, or argue about it.
I and/or my mate avoid openly
acknowledging that stepfamilies like ours have significantly different
tasks, norms, and conflicts than typical intact biofamilies, and we may deny
that avoidance.
One or both of us un/consciously
avoid
using the titles stepparent, stepmother, stepfather,
stepchild, stepson, and/or stepdaughter with other family
members, or in public.
One or both of us are uncomfortable
with
the prefix "step-", and insist on using alternative family adjectives like
blended, remarried, second, combined, or
equivalent.
One or both of us mates read about
the five re/divorce
and think “This
doesn’t apply to us.”
We agree these hazards do
apply to us all, but one or both of us put off committing to our
version of the
and/or
we fight about doing so.
One or both of us (a) don’t want to
include the people who live in a minor
as full stepfamily members, or
(b) we mates have
significant arguments about this and/or (c) we avoid talking about it.
These variations net out
to: one or both of you (a) deny or doubt your stepfamily identity (an
or (b) one of
you accepts it and the other doesn't (an interpersonal dispute). Either
conflict implies you two don’t (c) accept and agree on what your identity
This puts you all at high risk of unrealistic stepfamily
role and relationship expectations, and
related personal and re/marital stress. This lowers the
of your home/s, and
raises the odds your kids will inherit your psychological
Because it's widespread
and specially divisive, let's look more closely at the last symptom above:
Rejecting a Child’s “Other
Parent/s”
Psychological and legal
between parents can range from amicable to bitter and vitriolic.
Conflicts over their kids’ welfare,
visitations, custody, education, and financial support can maintain or
escalate
between ex mates. Re/marriage
can aggravate these, and tension between prior and new mates can bloom over
the same issues.
The focus here is whether
you and your mate have significant conflicts over a stepchild’s “other
parent/s'" behaviors or inclusion. If you do, one or both of you are probably ruled by a
and denying, ignoring, or minimizing your stepfamily identity.
If ex-mate conflict is high, one or both of you partners can want to exclude
your (step)kids' other parent/s from belonging to your stepfamily – i.e. you
may want to ignore or disparage their post-divorce feelings, and
co-parenting needs and values. Conversely, the “other” mom or dad may want
to ignore or devalue your co-parenting needs and feelings. Your
stepkids’ ongoing needs and your legal responsibilities to them force you
co-parents to stay in conflictual contact.
Typical Surface Conflicts
Until you two apply the
skills of
and
you’re likely to focus on symptoms rather than the real
“ex mate” problems. Though details vary infinitely, basic surface
conflicts can include one or more of these:
A
new
stepparent disrespects and/or disagrees with the way their
partner responds to a hostile or
uncooperative (wounded) ex mate;
A
re/married parent is paralyzed or
intimidated by a combative or aggressive ex mate, leaving the new
stepparent to resolve complex co-parenting conflicts. The stepparent can
resent either or both other adults for not “being responsible parents” and
“making me clean up your mess.”
An
overassertive or over-responsible stepparent can try to direct or
control their partner’s behavior with “the kids’ other parent/s,” and to
dictate child support, visitation, or even custody agreements. These can
imply that the stepparent feels their mate is incompetent at these
and incur
hurt, resentment, conflict, and/or withdrawal.
As courtship fantasies turn into
re/married realities, a new stepparent
can increasingly resent that her or his life is significantly affected by
their mate’s legal
and/or relationship with an ex mate
that s/he (the stepparent) had nothing to do with, and can’t
affect. Denied, repressed, or ignored, this
resentment can build and significantly add to other re/marital tensions.
Another typical surface ex-mate conflict is…
An
insecure stepparent can resent
and feel
of the time and attention his or her spouse gives to
their former partner (a
specially if the stepparent feels one of the other adults still loves or
sexually desires their ex, and/or feels
over-obligated to please the ex out of
or fear of a legal battle. The bioparent mate can feel misjudged and
frustrated, saying “I’m only (relating to my ex) for the kids!”
And another surface conflict is…
A new stepparent can feel
increasingly resentful that their wife or husband continually idealizes
and/or focuses on their dead former mate, and/or
allows a resident or visiting stepchild to do the same.
There are many
other clashes you mates can have over the existence or behaviors of a
child’s “other parent” and including them in your stepfamily. One of you may want to ignore, confront, or legally
coerce an ex, and the other doesn’t, or is "torn" (ruled by a false self).
The variations of
possible loyalty conflicts and
persecutor-victim-rescuer
involving you mates and a co-parenting ex mate are beyond
summarizing here. Adding one or more stepkids and/or “ours” kids to the fray
multiplies your possible re/marital surface conflicts.
Whatever the
details, the theme is you and/or
your mate wish the ex mate was not part of your stepfamily (exclusion),
and/or the ex mate doesn’t want to be a member (rejection).
Both of these are stepfamily
conflicts that can
persistently
your personal tranquility and your re/marriage.
From
29 years' research, I
propose that significant, recurring conflicts within and between you mates
over stepfamily identity and membership, and what your identity
means, indicate one or more of these underlying…
Primary Problems
Underneath surface
symptoms like those above is usually a mix of...
These may indicate that…
- One or both of you made up to
three
- which you can adapt to, but can't undo.
The bad news: together,
these six factors cause many re/marital
including
identity and membership conflicts. The good news: once you partners accept
these primary problems, you two can proactively resolve the first four
of them over time. Let’s look at your options
for each of these root problems, starting with the last one:
1) Wrong Re/marital Choices
Decide whether your
is leading your inner squad of personality subselves. If you feel confident
you mates made
three right re/marriage decisions, then assess whether your…
2)
False Selves are In
Charge
Recurring re/marital
arguments or ambivalences over your stepfamily identity, what it means,
and/or whether your other co-parents’ belong, can be symptoms of
false-self dominance and related
wounds. To explore whether
false-self control is part of the real reasons for your stepfamily identity
and/or membership conflicts, do the dozen Project-1
honestly - as partners. Then use the
guidebook “Who’s
Really Running Your Life?” or the
Project-1 pages in this
site to act on your results.
Another root problem
beneath your stepfamily-identity and membership conflicts may be...
3)
Unawareness of
Stepfamily Realities
Often, mature,
well-educated adults led by their true Selves (including human-service
professionals) reject stepfamily identity because they don’t know what they
don’t know. Educate yourself on these basics and discuss them together:
-
stepfamily
facts,
realities, and
-
key
life-skills you stepfamily co-parents need;
-
how stepfamilies differ from biofamilies
structurally in ~ 30 ways,
-
these ~ 30 typical stepfamily merger
tasks
-
these ~ 50 developmental and special
needs your kids need help in filling,
-
~ 40 environmental
differences between stepparenting
and bioparenting; and...
- how to master inevitable
and relationship
As you apply these
concepts to your situation, notice if you feel like
teammates or opponents. Then reconsider whether the five
and
seem more relevant to you all.
If you have trouble doing these steps together, and/or you still deny your
stepfamily identity and what it means, false selves + ineffective
communication are probably at work.
4) Ineffective
Communications
Any behavior that affects
another person psychologically, physically, mentally, and/or spiritually is
communication. Communication among your subselves is called thinking,
which can range between
to
effective. Communicating is your basic tool for filling your current
surface and
If you mates
each can’t describe (a) the seven communication
in
and
(b) how to
do each one, you two are probably used to getting your respective needs met
well under half of the time. You probably feel that's "normal,"
because you don't know what's possible. An implication is that your
mulling and discussing the three primary identity problems above is
fuzzy, skewed, or conflictual - and you don't know any alternatives.
Reality check: take
this communication quiz, and read these
communication basics with the
open mind of a
student. Then assess your recent communications with your partner using this
inventory, read and discuss these
suggestions together, and see what
happens. Ideally these experiences will raise your awareness and interest in
committing significant time and energy to Project 2 together,
over time. Bonus: besides helping you resolve stepfamily identity and
membership disputes, learning these
seven skills and teaching them to your kids is a priceless lifelong gift!
Besides wrong re/marital
choices, false-self dominance, stepfamily unawareness, and ineffective communications, another root
problem that contributes to stepfamily-identity and membership disputes
is...
5) Blocked Grief
Adults from, and kids in,
families often are hindered
in healthy grieving. False selves inhibit family members from acknowledging
losses, and feeling and expressing related confusion, anger,
and sadness. In my experience since 1981, most divorced and stepfamily
co-parents come from low-nurturance childhoods. That means you
probably do.
Every stepfamily, including yours, follows two or three sets of
massive
(broken emotional-spiritual bonds):
-
childhood
and
-
or mate-death and biofamily reorganization;
and...
-
re/wedding, cohabiting, and your complex multi-biofamily
If you and/or your mate
are having trouble mourning, you may not
and you may not be
able to accept that your new stepfamily can never feel or act like
the ideal biofamily you long for. (It still can provide great warmth,
comfort, security, and enjoyment!)
Accepting your stepfamily identity and
what it
requires that you (and your kids and kin) let go of that
dream, and mourn the loss. It also requires that both of you give up the
idea that you don’t have to treat your kids’ other parent/s as full members
of your
despite
significant
with them.
Use co-parent
as your framework to
(a) learn
healthy grief basics, (b) assess for incomplete grief, and (c) free up any you
find. You must be making good progress on the prior four projects to
succeed at this one. Patiently building a
home and stepfamily benefits all of you, specially your
minor kids! For perspective and motivation, read this real
example of unfinished grief and the other four
hazards at work. Option: to see what you know about healthy grieving, take
this quiz.
A final reason for
your stepfamily-identity conflicts may be that one or both of you mates are…
6) Believing
Misinformed
or Ignorant Authorities
In my
clinical experience since
1979, many reputable, veteran clergy, psychiatrists, counselors, case
workers, attorneys, mediators, judges, and family and marital therapists,
doctors, and authors don’t understand stepfamily
adjustment
tasks,
realities, membership, structural
differences and what these
to typical co-parents kids and kin - but they think they do. For instance,
they may say with conviction that you’re not a stepfamily if…
_ your kids are all
grown and independent;
_ a new spouse legally
adopts their mate’s biokid/s;
_ you two have an
“ours” baby together;
_ your prior mate is dead or “uninvolved;” and/or…
_ you legally change kid/s’ last
names.
Each of these is
wrong.
Any family including a new spouse
caring part or full time for his or her mate’s minor or grown, resident or
visiting, prior child(ren) is a stepfamily, and is subject to all the
meanings above.
Arguing that “We are
not a stepfamily because (some mentor or authority) says so.” is
probably a symptom of the other five problems above. Relying on experts to
“prove” your side of an argument often is about power, control,
manipulation, and ultimately anxiety, not
win-win problem-solving. Co-parents ruled
by false selves will sincerely
