Trust and distrust exist since infancy because of our ceaseless need for current and long-term safety - freedom from anxiety and pain. Mates depend on (trust) their partner to fill unique mix of needs - specially if they're nurturing kids together. So if either mate distrusts the other on some things, their core relationship-safety decreases, and anxiety rises. This may be amplified by a related loss of respect.

        Healthy mates seek to fill their needs for emotional and physical intimacy with each other. Sig-nificant distrust dilutes or blocks that. If you mates have too little intimacy, finish this article and then  see this for perspective and options.

        Another essential partnership-need is for mutual honesty - trusting each other to tell the truth, in-cluding dissatisfactions (like distrust) and dislikes. If you don't trust your partner to be consistently hon-est with you, finish this article and then see this for perspective and options.

        A third essential between bonded mates is trust in each other's integrity - i.e. "I believe you'll say what you mean, and mean what you say." Wounded adults often say one thing and do something else, creating confusing double messages and lowering others' trust in their integrity and reliability. .

        If either of you had a low-nurturance childhood, you're at risk of significant psychological wounds. One wound is excessive trust or distrust. If you have this wound, it will affect all your relation-ships, not just your primary partnership. So if you feel you mates have "significant trust problems" with each other, assess for false-self wounds before you try to resolve your trust and/or respect problems.  

Your "Trust Profile"

        To raise your awareness, assess your self trust. Then rate how well you partners trust each other now. Rank your level of recent trust from 1 (I have no trust in this item) to 10 (I have absolute trust in this). If your trust varies, put a range - e.g. "6-8." Edit the wording of each item as needed. Option: after ranking yourself on each item, use the second "__" to estimate how well your mate recently trusts you, 1 to 10. If you're not sure, use "?".

        "I need to trust that often enough, you will want to...

•  _ tell me your truth and _ keep your promises to me __  __

• keep me and our relationship primary, as life evolves __  __

• accept enough of my flaws, limitations, and inconsistencies __  __

• take responsibility for your own goals, decisions, and actions __  __

• honor and respect me as a person and a partner __  __

• take genuine interest in, but not responsibility for, my dreams, goals, and progress, __  __

• love me for who I am, vs. from duty, pity, fear, or for what I provide for you and/or the kids __  __

• respect my choice of friends and spirituality, even if they differ from yours __  __

• tell me what you need, feel, and think; and want to hear those things from me  __  __

        And I also need to trust that often enough, you will want to...

• desire me, be sexually faithful, and honor my sensual and sexual preferences and needs equally with your own __  __

• confront me directly when you need to, in a loving, empathic (vs. shaming, insensitive) way __  __

• remain an interesting, fun, reliable companion and teammate __  __

• steadily honor your own integrity and mine, equally __  __

• respect my limits and boundaries, including times I need privacy and solitude __  __

• respect my way of grieving my losses, even if it’s different than yours __  __

• receive and cherish my love, and accept the ways I express it __  __

• hold your commitment vows to me and God as sacred and binding __  __

        And I also need to trust that often enough, you will want to...

• value your wholistic health and growth as much as mine  __  __

• listen to me empathically, vs. fix me (solve my problems), when I need to vent __  __

• try to compromise when we differ on important things  __  __

• not make me your sole source of contentment and comfort __  __

• encourage and support me when I falter, rather than detach, criticize, or pretend __  __

• feel and honor all your emotions, and express them honestly to me __  __

        Did you realize how many things you mates need to trust about each other? Each item is a chance for betrayal (broken trust), or satisfaction and security. Note the phrase …want to… If either of you fills trust-needs like these out of duty, guilt, shame, or fear, instead of genuinely wanting to, how would that feel? Also note that this trust inventory omits safeties related to kids, relatives, friends, possessions, and assets, or others. You may feel they need to be included as part of your partnership.

        If you distrust your mate on one or more of these factors "too much," what can you do?

Improve Trust in Your Mate

     Start by clarifying your belief: can you really increase your trust in another person if you want to? What has to happen, specifically, to do so? If your subselves can't agree on this core question, your primary problem is internal, not with your mate.

Check each of you honestly for significant false-self dominance. Your distrusts (and other rela-tionship problems) may be a symptom of false-self wounds in one or both of you. If your true Selves are disabled, evolve and work steadily at an appropriate recovery plan with suitable help.

         Decide if you need to request or demand a change in your mate's attitudes, values, and/or behav-iors now. If you do, get clear on specifically...

• what you distrust;

• how it affects you - e.g. are either of you losing respect for the other?;

• what changes you need, and...

• what your options are. Also decide if...

• you need to set some limits with your mate if s/he isn’t willing (vs. able) to fill your needs.

        Honestly assess whether you're doing (or not doing) something to cause your distrusts. For ex-ample, do use sarcasm or critical labels to express your displeasure? That will encourage your partner to tune you out or avoid you. Stay aware that behaviors are interactive: your behavior affects my behavior, and vice-versa. You may be half of your "distrust problem." Avoiding or minimizing this suggests you're ruled by a false self;

       Assert your needs and limits respectfully to your partner, use empathic listening to handle any "re-sistances," and seek co-operative problem-solving. If s/he can’t or won’t join you in that, act on the limits you set. Avoid demanding something that can only be given spontaneously, like trust, respect, and interest, and empathy.

        Expect working on these options to feel confusing, scary, and stressful. Here’s perspective on each of them…

        Betrayal is experiencing that you can’t rely on (trust) something about a person that you thought you could, specially if the “something” originated in an earnest promise or vow. If you feel betrayed by your mate, explore honestly whether part of what you need to rebuild trust is a genuine (vs. dutiful or fear-based) apology and/or forgiveness. Effective apologies must be spontaneous, so if you ask for one and get it, your needs may remain - e.g. "I need you to care enough to want to apologize without my asking."

        If you feel your partner broke a commitment, examine whether the commitment was actually made, or you assumed it. If it was made, explore whether that was...

• impulsive, from significant fear, reality distortion, or shame; or...

• impossible to fulfill, for whatever reasons.

 If so, acknowledging these may increase your trust, and promote more realistic future commitments.

        Acknowledge the specific key things you do trust about your mate. They’re easy to take for granted until you lose them. Then decide (a) if and (b) how you want to confront your mate about your distrust. If your Self is guiding your personality, you’ll do that respectfully and directly. Doing so might sound something like this:

“Sarah, I’ve lost my trust that you want to put my needs before your daughter’s when we can’t find a compromise. You say you want to, but your actions don’t show that. I’m feeling increasingly hurt, discouraged, and resentful. If nothing changes, I worry what this will mean to us long term.

 "I’m not sure I can tolerate feeling second best like this. I’m telling you this to alert you, not to guilt-trip or punish you. I need to re-grow my trust that you care enough about me and our marriage to reconsider your priorities. Will you do some problem-solving with me about this?”

        Confronting your partner honestly can lead to constructive changes and a stronger partnership. Avoiding confrontation is potentially costly. Your emotions (subselves) are trying to tell you of an unmet need. Not acting to fill it is self-neglect. That promotes (a) your subselves not trusting that your Self is competent to fill their needs (self-doubt), and (b) internal conflicts. You can run, but you can’t hide…

        Option: talk together honestly about mutual and self trust and past betrayals. What did you learn about trust as a child? As a former spouse? As a fe/male? As a spiritual person (or not)? Have you ever lost and then rebuilt trust in someone or something? Has your partner?

        If so, how did you do that? If you and/or your mate avoid such a discussion, there's a deeper prob-lem. The first place to look is toxic shame, usually expertly camouflaged. The second place is excessive fear. Both imply significant false-self control. Personal wound- reduction via Project 1 is one answer.

     Do you trust your mate to tell you the truth? Kids and adults distort the truth or lie when we feel that honesty is too unsafe. If your mate lies to you, ask yourself “Am I making it unsafe to tell the truth (e.g. by criticizing, interrupting, or ignoring)?”

        Be alert for using trust-breaches as punishments or weapons. If you keep bringing up a past disap-pointments or betrayal by your mate, that signals a deeper problem. Use parts work (Project 1) and dig down to discover which of your subselves needs something, and what it is.

        Let's look now at your options...

If Your Mate Distrusts You…

        Where do you rank your partner between “always assertive about key needs and opinions” to “never assertive”? Do you trust her or him to tell you clearly if s/he distrusts you about something important? Let’s look at your options for each answer to that question.

You Distrust Your Mate to Tell You

        Partners in a high-nurturance ("healthy") relationship want to talk together periodically about...

• how they feel about themselves and each other,

• what they appreciate about each other, and...

• any significant unfilled primary needs.

         Do you and your mate talk together about your relationship honestly (at least) several times a month? Would people who know you well say you two do that? If you’re not sure if your partner will disclose a significant distrust in you, see how your subselves feel about asking direct questions like these:

“Do you feel safe enough telling me if you distrust me about something now?”

“Is there anything you distrust or disrespect about me now?”

“Will you make time to review (your version of the trust-item inventory above) with me in the next week, and discuss what we find?

Notice your thoughts and emotions now. If you feel anxious about asking questions like these, your subselves distrust something in you and/or your partner. Focus on discovering and resolving that first.

        If your mate says “Yes, I significantly distrust you about (something),” what are your choices?

Your Mate Distrusts You

        Option - scan this for perspective on what follows.

        Your first choice is whether to listen clearly and non-defensively to learn what s/he distrusts, why, and what s/he needs. That requires your true Self to be guiding your other subselves. Popular false-self alternatives are to avoid (withdraw or blank out), listen and explain or defend, analyze, threaten, punish, manipulate, persuade, lecture, collapse, whine, blame, distract, or change the subject.

        Key questions to discuss are...

• "Does this distrust degrade our relationship?

• "Does it reduce your respect or love for me?" and...

• "Can we each tolerate no change?"

        You can act to rebuild your partner’s trust in you now, or do nothing. If you choose the latter, check to see if your false self doesn’t trust you (your Self), and fears that acting now is too unsafe for some reason.

        If you choose to act now, confirm that you're doing what s/he says you are. If your mate is signifi-cantly controlled by a false self, s/he is subject to reality and trust distortions and won’t know or admit it. If you feel you are not meriting her or his distrust, seek an objective opinion from someone who’s judg-ment you trust. If you feel your mate is significantly distorting reality (wounded), see this.

        If you are doing something that merits distrust, are you clear what your mate needs to rebuild trust in you? Option: ask something like “What do you need from me, specifically, to restore your trust in me?”

       Usually both people contribute to any significant relationship problem. For example, if one spouse withholds the truth about something, it is often because their partner’s expected reaction – like scorn, withdrawal, or ridicule - makes it unsafe to disclose. A way to discern whether that’s happening in your distrust problem is to use the communication tools of mapping, digging down, and metatalk together.

        As teammates, clarify “Who’s needs aren’t being filled, and who is responsible for filling them?” Is this our problem, or is your mate criticizing you (“You’re the problem.”)? You may need your mate to assert or confront you more often on this safety issue, and/or to confront you respectfully.

        You may need to confront some fear or other discomfort that’s contributing to your problem beha-vior. Use all seven communication skills to problem-solve cooperatively, and see if your mate’s trust grows, over time. Keep talking together about this, rather than assuming.

In General

        If you and/or your mate's distrust seems excessive in intensity or scope, get qualified professional help. Kids who aren't nurtured well enough can become adults with undeservedly low trust in themselves, in some or most other people, and in the world. Until choosing self-motivated healing, they're burdened with ceaseless doubts and anxieties - and often don't know or ignore that.

        The modular design of these  mates articles may suggest that each relationship problem you en-counter stands alone – i.e. that “distrust” is an isolated stressor. It probably isn’t. As you mates work to improve your trusts, help each other identify related problems that may be adding discomfort, like disre-spect, ineffective communications, and/or repressed or excessive anger. If so, help each other work patiently to resolve one issue at a time.

A painful possibility: your real problem may not be lost trust, but that one or both of you may have committed to the wrong people, for the wrong reasons, at the wrong time. Review Project 7 for more perspective.

Recap

        This article is one of a series on strengthening your primary relationship. It ...

• Inventories what typical mates need to trust in each other; and...

• options for regaining trust in your mate, or his/her trust in you

        It may or may not be possible to rebuild enough trust (a personal judgment) over time. Self trust and mutual trust can only be earned and given spontaneously, not demanded or expected. The real challenge is each of you taking courageous personal responsibility for owning and reducing your own fears. You can, if your true Self guides your personality!

        Usually, any serious marital conflict is caused by unhealed false-self wounds +  ineffective commu-nications + unrealistic expectations + incomplete mourning. All of these can be reduced, with love, pa-tience, and courage – if you choose to do that as teammates!

        Do you each trust that?

        Pause and reflect: why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not, what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your wise true Self, or 'someone else'?

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