2) Adopt a long-range
view: Help each other focus
on how your nuptial events (invitations, showers, meals, ceremony, reception,
and honeymoon) will
affect your lives and relationships for
the next 10-15 years. Hurts, resentments, and distrusts from
re/wedding conflicts can increase existing teamwork
take years to heal,
impede successful
and
lower your stepfamily's
In many ways, your celebration
events will broadcast to everyone involved...
who you two designate as "family" and key friends
now - who's "in" and who's not;
how you two rank the importance of your three or more
co-parents' biofamily members;
who's
of (makes key decisions in) your new nuclear
stepfamily;
your
attitudes about forming a
multi-generational stepfamily (we are a stepfamily / we're not; we're pleased and proud / we're guilty,
ashamed, and ambivalent /...); and...
whether you two acknowledge
or deny existing relationship
in and between your co-parents' several biofamilies; and if so...
whether you partners want to
proactively
over time.
How do you and your partner want
each of these to be viewed, say, six months after your
celebration?
More vital planning-preparation steps to take together...
3) Help
each other get clear on the purposes of your
celebration, and accept that (a) the odds
for "many" people being dissatisfied or having "a mixed
time" at your celebration/s are high, and that (b) you have limited
over that. Then...
4)
Agree
on your mutual
if you probably
can't fill everyone's main needs, whose needs do you
two value
the most? Then use the ideas in this article and your
problem-solving
to master any major
and mutual
and
conflicts you experience
as you plan. Then...
5)
Get unflinchingly
clear together on...
-
whether you see your
re/marriage as joining two people, two or more homes, three or more
families,
or all these. Like it or not, "all these" is your
reality. Acknowledging this will
affect...
-
how you two define
"wedding success," and...
-
who's responsible for the
success of your wedding, reception, and honeymoon; and...
-
specifically who you want
to participate in planning it - e.g. your kids, your parents, key
siblings, any ex mates, and perhaps a professional consultant. "Participate" means
you partners will each seriously consider their suggestions,
opinions, and needs.
6)
Agree to
help each other stay aware of
you're planning your wedding and honeymoon (e.g. impulsively,
thoughtfully, over-analytically, black/white decisions, secretively,
democratically,...), as well as what you're planning. The way you partners
design and co-manage this stepfamily event and process probably
forecasts how you'll
handle (your many) future complex relationship decisions. Is one of you taking
more responsibility for your wedding than the other? Do you feel like real partners as you
plan? Are you
effectively? Is someone else,
like a willful (needy) child or parent, exerting great
influence and control?
7) Agree on a
planning scope. Does your plan start with an engagement
announcement, a bridal shower, a wedding-party dinner, or the ceremony? Will
it include your reception? Your honeymoon?
8)
Agree on
what
kind of celebration ceremony you each want: secret or public;
private home; civil (few witnesses, minimal or no religious theme);
"custom" (e.g. in a Las Vegas chapel, outdoors, underwater, sky
diving, mountain top,...); or a traditional church service. Finally...
Celebration-Planning
Options
High-tech cameras will
probably capture many of your shower, wedding, reception, and honeymoon sights and sounds. How often you review
these in future years, with whom, and whether reviewing brings you fond
or painful memories all depend on how well prepared you partners were to plan
your event. Options: (a) print and use this as a checklist and discussion starter among all your planners; (b) you partners find an undistracted time and space, and read
what follows out loud to each other. Discuss them as you go with open minds...
As you know, an effective plan includes...
-
a set of specific goals and
key target dates, plus...
-
a sequence of steps to reach the goals, plus...
-
a list of needed human and other resources, and...
-
a definition of who's responsible
for doing each step, and coordinating them all.
These evolve from a group of people
discussing and negotiating, over time. Each planner has sets of
to fill along the way.
The ideas below focus on aspects of re/wedding planning that are unique to,
and often conflictual in, typical stepfamily nuptials.
Expect to be surprised and occasionally overwhelmed by the complexity of your planning process! Then enjoy taking control of it.
First, help each other
honestly "Who's
leading our planning process -
our well-grounded
or
well-meaning,
needy subselves?"
The latter are likely to distort your findings.
Then...
Ensure that each of your planners: (a) accepts your stepfamily
and what it
and (b) understands clearly how to resolve
stepfamily
conflicts,
and
(Option: pass out copies of the linked articles.) Then
ensure everyone understands what you
partners' long-term priorities are,
and why you choose them. You'll surely encounter each of these stressors as
you plan your celebration!
Discuss Six Key Questions
Thoroughly debate the pros and cons of
six or more sets of complex re/wedding decisions.
"Debate" means identify and compare each of your primary needs and priorities, and negotiate authentic (vs. dutiful or pretend)
agreements or compromises...
|
Q1 -
Who shall we ask to officiate at our wedding?
"Do we want someone who
knows about
stepfamilies
in addition to their spiritual, religious, legal, and social
qualifications?" |
Answering "yes" will shrink the number of your pastoral
candidates and perhaps churches, if you want one. It will also greatly raise
your odds of getting realistic, relevant suggestions on re/marital
preparation and planning your ceremony. You may have found the person
you want if you invested in
pre-re/marital counseling.
If you lovebirds view your ceremony as joining two people vs.
families, and/or if you
that
you're re/marriage creates a challenging stepfamily, you'll
probably ignore this core planning question. That risks that the clergyperson you pick won't
know enough to alert you to the
and
of your
stepfamily re/marriage. That is,
s/he probably won't be motivated
or able to help
you realistically
your
three vital
in depth.
Ignoring this planning question also risks that your clergyperson will
unintentionally promote major
and
relationship triangles among you all. A stepfamily-aware clergyperson will
want to recommend community and media
resources like
support groups, programs, and
books for co-parents and stepkids. S/He'll also
be seasoned and able to help you two sort out complex spiritual and
religious questions about divorce and remarriage, and related issues like
annulments, baptisms, and interfaith remarriages.
How can you partners meaningfully evaluate a clergyperson's stepfamily (vs.
re/marital) wisdom? Asking "Do you know about stepfamilies?" doesn't do it. Neither does "Have you done many remarriages
?" Options:
Quick test: if a pastoral candidate says something like "You're
marriage is between you two and God, not you and your kids and ex mate/s,"
thank them and look elsewhere. That's well-meant but uninformed (misleading) advice!
Answering this question first can add a wise, caring consultant to
your celebration-planning team. Potential conflict:
If you have long-standing allegiances to
a family clergyperson or church,
they may not
be the best choice to sanctify your stepfamily commitment.
Choosing someone else will probably set up significant guilts,
resentments, and conflicts among you and some relatives.
|
If so, you can educate your supporters by
giving them copies of these
brief articles: stepfamily facts,
differences,
myths,
and
and this article
on re/weddings. Non-stepfamily people don't know what they don't know,
so expect (polite) disinterest and probable "resistances." |
The second set of key planning decisions will affect all your other re/wedding
choices. They deserve much undistracted meditation and honest discussion...
Q2 - How shall
I design my vows? Who's making my vows - my true
or
Who am I vowing
to?
Why? Who's
making your vows? Are we making joint vows, individual
pledges, or both? Who do I want to witness my vows? Why? Do we want
to copy our vows for anyone? Who? Are you and
I solidly agreed on each of these questions now? If not, what do I /
you / we
Notice your first thoughts now. The more you think, the more options may occur
to you - specially in the context of your stepfamily re/marriage.
| Two
questions transcend all others here: "Is my true Self
to design my vows?" and "Is your true Self
your personality?"
If either of you
partners isn't sure your Selves are directing you, defer all wedding
plans for your and your kids' sakes, and (re)do
individually and together. Then (re)do
The best time to do these is
before you
exchange vows! |
The alternative is having one or two groups of well-meaning but
personality
con you into making
unwise
wedding decisions and plans.
Note: it's probable that none
of your relatives and supporters will understand the importance of these
Projects, and may pooh-pooh them. Don't listen!
One reason for a public wedding ceremony is so mates can declare their
commitments to
each other "in the presence of God and this company." Your
stepfamily situation is described by Australian stepmom
Joy Connolly's 1983 book "Step Families" subtitled "I Married a Family." Unlike first marriers, you romance-dazed
(?) partners are each committing to...
-
yourself, and...
-
your
and...
-
one or more
minor and/or
grown kids, and...
-
your mate, and...
-
the child(ren)s' other co-parent/s, and...
|
-
any
"ours"
children you new mates co-conceive, and...
-
any new mates the
other co-parent/s have or will
choose, and...
-
their existing
and future kids, if any; and...
-
each relative you and/or your kids deem as "important," including "ex
in-laws."
|
Your
attitudes, goals, values, and actions will affect each of these people, as theirs will significantly
affect you two, for many years. This justifies significant
meditation on what you want your nuptial vows and actions to express. Your spoken vows are less important than the ideals and intentions they stand for.
From
29 years' stepfamily experience, I suggest you
partners each evaluate what you're committing to about (a) your
responsibilities to each person or Being above, one at a time - whether
they'll attend your ceremony or not; and (b) all your extended
stepfamily members as a
who will be
required to
many goals, roles,
traditions, values, resources, and relationships over time.
Will you invite people to respond to
you after you declare your respective commitments to them?
Will you read and/or
hand out copies of your stepfamily
The complexity and
impacts of merging
three or more co-parents' biofamilies into a multi-generational stepfamily justifies this. One payoff is in demonstrating
that you partners value the stepfamily you're co-creating enough to
commit to clear long-range goals and priorities for it (if you
truly do). Reading your vision statement together (option - background
music) can invite everyone to think about what
they're trying to do with their family. Win-win!
However you two craft your respective vows, I encourage you to
speak them from your heart, not read them. Speak them directly to the
person you're addressing, with good eye contact (if they're present), and
speak them together to the intended listeners, if they're shared vows. If
roles were reversed, what would you want the bride and groom to
say directly to you?
If you quake at the thought of speaking your heart, consider: your
true
Self will serenely guide your thoughts and speech if s/he's guiding your
other subselves during your ceremony!
Notice what you're thinking and feeling now. Take your time here, and take a
break if you feel distracted. When you're ready, focus on...
Q3 -
How do
we need to word our wedding invitation? Because you have kids
and other key people involved, traditional text may not
express what you want - or what's real. For instance,
you two might want to say "Please
join us in celebrating our love and commitment, and the founding of
our stepfamily" (or... the blending of our
and futures," or...)
Your nuptial announcements and invitations are a rare chance for
you to publicly affirm your migration from biofamily to stepfamily. People who aren't aware of stepfamily
realities
and/or who want to avoid them may be uncomfortable if you two choose
such a declaration. Long-term, it's better to know that and seek to
reduce the discomfort, over time.
If you don't acknowledge your new
in print, you
encourage your guests to (mistakenly) assume this is pretty similar to a
"regular" (first) wedding. Personally, legally, and spiritually, your
commitment rite
is
"regular." From sociological and
perspectives, you're co-creating a
stepfamily wedding.
They are very
different!
your
step-hood can cause you and your kids
and kin to unconsciously (a) build unrealistic relationship
expectations
and
family-wide confusion over
and
and inhibit
(b) healthy
and (c)
prior psychological
These will
your re/marital bond and family relationships, and reduce your stepfamily's
Declaring your stepfamily identity in your wedding invitations, programs, and newspaper announcements will help you
recognize people who resist, criticize, or discount this reality. This can help you
two choose people best able to
you as you encounter
inevitable conflicts from
your three or more
biofamilies over many years
If you affirm your new stepfamily identity in your
invitations and announcements, expect raised eyebrows, puzzlement, kidding, c/overt
criticism, or indifference. Well-intentioned supporters who focus only on
wedding-ceremony success rather than long-term stepfamily success may counsel you against such an affirmation.
Compassionately view reactions like these as signs of normal stepfamily
and stick
to your guns!
The Web address of this
four-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/08/wedding1.htm