|
This article is one
of a
written to anyone who seeks - or has chosen - a
mate.
It offers options for living with a
significantly-
partner.
here offers ways to
avoid choosing a wounded mate. |
Premises - typical kids raised in a low-nurturance environment
by evolving a personality composed of many
specialized
or parts. This usually results in two to six
psychological
which hinder healthy development and social functioning.
The
of these wounds range from minor to severe. Divorce is a sign of significant
[wounding + unawareness] - and over 50% (i.e. millions) of typical U.S. couples divorce
legally or psychologically.
If you're curious or skeptical about your talented subselves, get undistracted and read
this letter to you. Then do this safe,
interesting exercise. If you're still
you may be dominated by a well-meaning
This article
assumes you have...
-
yourself honestly for significant false-self wounds,
and are actively working to keep your
(capital "S")
of your
and that you have...
-
assessed your partner for significant
false-self wounds by using All 12
Project-1 worksheets; and...
-
studied this overview of wound-reduction -
slides or text, and...
-
studied these
general options for relating
to significantly-wounded people.
Living with a wounded partner is
not an isolated problem. This is because [wounds + unaware-ness] in
either or both partners cause a web of relationship stressors like distrust,
disrespect, blocked intimacy,
disinterest, hurt, frustrations, anger, resentments, disappointments, and
guilts.
Without focused, shared attention
to these component problems (unmet needs), they can com-bine to promote
simultaneous secondary stressors like addictions, affairs, health problems,
and major fights over assets, debts, responsibilities, parenting,
loyalties,
values, and other surface issues.
To avoid overwhelm and potential divorce, it helps to remind each other -
"How do you eat an elephant? A bite at a time."
Three Options
An initial challenge to overcome is accepting
that one or both of you may be ruled by a "false self" (i.e. wounded). Normal
reactions are "No way!" or "Maybe my partner is, but not ME!"
You must become dissatisfied enough
to want to honestly test for significant wounds - and your false self
will dili-gently resist doing so. This is like finding the courage to
test for high blood pressure, diabetes, or cancer.
Once
you overcome any resistance, you may...
Accept your mate's
woundedness. Use
wise guidelines like
take no action, and work at reducing your own wounds; or...
Intervene -
decide what specific
you need in your mate, and respectfully
assert
your needs, limits, and consequences. If s/he can't or won't make
meaningful changes, accept that
for
now; or...
End the relationship
- If you try all your options and lose hope of getting your needs met,
let go of the relationship,
nurture any kids, and help each other forgive yourselves and grieve your losses
(broken bonds).
Let's look at each of these options...
1) Actively Accept Your Mate's
Woundedness
If s/he is significantly wounded in your opinion,
you may choose to avoid confronting
your mate directly about this for now. So
accept means “(a) live with tolerable discomfort, and (b) enjoy the
good things about our relationship and family (c) while I work patiently at
reducing my own wounds and un-awareness.” You may...
patiently and creatively
"plant
seeds" about wounds, wound-effects, and wound recovery benefits.
Do this without expecting your mate to act on thee ideas yet.
thoughtfully conclude that the benefits of
not
intervening with your partner outweigh the probable costs for you and your kids at this time.
pray for guidance, and
the
outcome of your relationship to your
justify
acceptance as a way to protect (a) your own wound-recovery and/or (b) minor
kids from increasing family strife and possible losses. And you may...
seek other ways of filling your relationship
needs without violating your
or jeopar-dizing the
values and welfare of
any kids in
your life; or...
strengthen your
communication
by working on
with or without your
partner. This is a win-win investment in future assertion and problem-solving success
with all your subself and family relationships. And you can…
refresh your understanding of
and
use it to help fill more needs more of-ten;
wait calmly for (a) your
own wound-recovery and skill-building progress and
(b) inevitable personal and environmental changes, to create the right time to
intervene with your mate.
build a
pro-recovery (high-nurturance) home and family environment
over time. And you may...
inventory your mate’s
personality subselves,
and develop strategic ways of communica-ting with the dominant ones - e.g. talk differently to a
subself than to the
or
subselves; and/or you may...
Describe your own recovery goals, plans, and
experiences to your mate, despite resis-tance or apparent disinterest. This
plants seeds for later interventions...
Pause, breathe, and reflect on what you just read. Which of these acceptance
choices appeal to you? Why?
Note that "active acceptance" means
you don't have to be a passive victim.
If your relationship
frustrations (unfilled needs) become intolerable, you may choose to...
2) Intervene with Your
Partner
|
Here intervene means "Intentionally
assert your opinions, needs, and limits; and define conse-quences if your mate
can't or won't meet your relationship needs well enough."
Your goals are to mo-tivate your partner to (a) acknowledge (vs. deny or
minimize) her or his wounds and their
and to (b) want to
reduce them via a self-directed recovery program.
|
How
you intervene is critical. When your
is leading your
-
review and apply these wise
to your situation;
-
affirm what
about
your relationship, and what you can't;
-
specifically what you
from your partner, and why;
-
review your personal
rights, and take
full
responsibility for
filling your relationship needs;
-
choose a
mutual-respect attitude about you and your
mate;
-
optionally, learn to
communicate with your
partner's ruling subselves, and...
-
describe your own wound-recovery
plan and progress to your mate. Then...
-
assert
your opinions, needs, and limits respectfully, despite risks and "resistances."
Let's look more closely at these intervention steps...
Affirm
what you can change -
You can control half of your relationship - e.g. your attitudes,
val-ues, limits, choices, plans, and actions. You may influence but not
control those things in your partner.
You can't demand that s/he
want to admit and reduce any significant psychological wounds.
You can
that, but not make her or him want to heal. These ageless
can help you both adapt successfully to your wounds.
Define what you need -
Stay clear on the difference between
your need
for your mate to recover, and her or his need. Healing false-self dominance must be
Self-motivated. This motivation usually oc-curs in midlife after hitting some form of
Your definition might sound like
"I need you to want to...
value (a) our needs
and (b) our relationship
only to
your
and
learn about personality subselves and
wounds; and then to...
assess yourself honestly for
significant false-self wounds. And I need you to...
want to do this for personal and family
benefits,
not to please me."
Depending on your situation, you may add other needs related to individual
wounds - like "And I need you to want to convert your excessive
shame to genuine self-respect and self-love."
Is your mate
to a
substance, activity, mood, or
Addictions are sure signs of a
diligent false self trying to medicate relentless
The most effective way to manage (vs. "cure") any toxic compulsion is to
work patiently to...
-
your true Self to lead,
-
intentionally
your subselves over time,
-
improve your
thinking and communication skills, and...
-
voluntarily commit to some form of 12-step
addiction-management program.
Addiction-management and wound-reduction interact - each requires progress
on the other. For more perspective and
options, study this article.
Take responsibility
-
If you're governed by a protective false self, you may feel that your
partner should want to help you fill your relationship needs. This
(1-up)
entitlement attitude often promotes c/overt hurts, blame, guilts, resentments, and frustrations.
Your true Self will probably feel "No, I am
responsible for knowing my needs and trying to fill them with my
mate's help. And I am not responsible for healing my partner's wounds
- s/he is."
Notice your subselves'
to this premise.
More intervention-options...
Choose a
mutual-respect
attitude. For effective communication and satisfying relationships, all kids and adults need to feel (a)
stable self-respect and (b) genuine
(vs. dutiful or pseudo) respect from other key people - even in conflicts. Before true
recovery, many
Grown Wounded Children (GWCs) find it hard to achieve these two prizes.
Achieving non-egotistical self-respect and
is a core wound-reduction goal.
Options
-
review this
sample Bill of Personal Rights, and then
see if you feel your mate has the same rights as you do.
-
in
stressful and confusing situations, ask "Who's needs are most important here - mine or my
partner's?" The best answer is "Our
needs are equally important to me now." Keep this in mind as
you decide how to adapt to your mate's woundedness.
-
assess whether your mate feels genuine (a) self-respect, and (b)
respect
for you, in calm and stressful situations. If not,
this is a fruitful topic for honest discussion. Do you agree?
A surprisingly effective intervention-option is to...
Learn to communicate with your partner's subselves -
Build a roster of your mate's inner-family members, and evolve styles
of talking with each one of them when they're in charge, just as you
adapt your behavior to
different friends and co-workers. Typical
kids and adults are governed
by dif-ferent subselves in different situations. Common subselves are the...
|
(reality distorter)
and/or
|
(Comforter)
|
and/or
Children
and/or
|
There are
Each of these normal
has its own set of values, biases, preferences, and vocabularies. They each
need attention, affirmation, respect, validation, and security, just like “regular people.”
Have you inventoried your own team of subselves yet?
You probably use a different vocabulary
and
with kids
than you do with (most) adults, and you may talk differently to women than men,
friends vs. strangers, and authorities vs. peers. Similarly, you can learn to speak one way to
the
in your partner, and another way to the
or the
The seven
can help you develop effective communication styles with your partner’s dominant
subselves if your Self
each of them
as well-meaning specialists…
Can you tell (yet) when you're talking with your
mate's
If so, how does that usually feel compared to talking with her
or his various other active subselves? Your emotions and physical sensa-tions are
reliable guides to when both your true Selves are communing...
If your Self is usually guiding you,
s/he'll know instinctively how to keep your balances and adapt to your mate's
unawareness of his or her false-self's control. Over time, your Self will lead
you toward trying options like these, and accepting what is (for
now) or intervening.
Invite your partner
to study this introduction to normal personality subselves -
slides or
text. Then discuss
the idea of normal subselves,
true Self, and
If
s/he is skeptical or indifferent, ask him or her to read
this letter, and to try this
safe, interesting experience.
If s/he is still skeptical or disbelie-ving (i.e.
scared), you have several options:
The Web address of this two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/08/wounded.htm