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This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and
divorce. This introduction describes the
Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each
article is part of a mosaic of ideas,
so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
|
If you haven't yet, please read the related article on
16 groups of things typical co-parents
and their kids must blend concurrently, as they build
their alien
stepfamily over
many years. Then read these summaries of typical adjustment needs that
co-parents and
minor kids must fill. |
What's the Problem?
In 1957,
Vance Packard's classic
The Hidden Persuaders
described a test
psychologists devised to explore how people would react to having to make an
increasing number of decisions in a short time span. The testers loaded a
factory conveyer belt with a stream of colored blocks.
The subject stood by
the belt, and had to arrange the moving blocks in groups, according to their
color, shape, and size. The subject's pulse, respiration, and sorting
success were monitored. The belt started slowly, giving the person
ample time to decide how to arrange the blocks.
Gradually the belt sped up, and it became increasingly hard to concentrate
and sort successfully. Eventually most people reached a
point where they felt overwhelmed and gave up or became frustrated,
anxious, and angry. Their blood pressure and respiration rose, increasing
cardiovascular stress on their bodies.
The purpose of the test was to illustrate the effect on Americans of having
to make increasing numbers of consumer decisions in their daily lives, as
the number of vendors, products, and media advertisements inexorably swelled
with advancing technology and population.
As I recall, Packard's point was
to warn us that unlimited freedom to choose among vehicles, appliances,
leisure products, travel and human-service options, occupations, dwellings,
communities, and so on could lead to major hidden psychological distress.
The moral was, we Americans needed to be aware of and avoid a silent price
of our affluence and freedoms.
New co-parents managing their complex stepfamily merger while trying to
balance the needs, preferences, and values of each other, their kids, and
active relatives is like the conveyer belt.
If dominant adults or kids push
for too much change too fast, some family members will start to feel
anxious, frustrated, and resentful - specially if they're not aware of...
-
what they're
changing
and customs, assets, identities,
alliances, securities, and social and family environments;
-
how they're
changing (e.g. intentionally, haphazardly, conflictually, politely,
timidly, guiltily, passively, etc.); and...
-
their options for
regulating the rate of these many concurrent merger changes..
In "Limits to
Growth," ecologist Barry Commoner made the vivid point that a watch is a delicately balanced
system of moving parts. He said something like "If you jam a pencil point
into a watch's mechanism, it may cause the watch to run better, but the odds aren't worth estimating."
In the same way,
if you co-parents
haphazardly try to jam your biofamilies together without an informed,
consensual plan, the odds are you'll lose your dynamic balances unless all
people are able to say how the jamming feels to them. Do you
agree? Co-parent
is devoted to
helping you all keep your balances.
Another relevant example
was demonstrated on Public television by family therapist John Bradshaw. He
showed us a complex motionless (balanced)
likening it to a balanced
family system of adults and kids. When he moved one of the mobile's
elements, all the other elements began to gyrate in complex ways. "We're all
connected to each other," he said, "so a change in one family member sets
everyone else in motion until each person and everyone together regains
their balance."
Have you ever felt your Life's conveyer belt was moving too fast, and you
had trouble keeping up? Do you know anyone else who's experienced this? Is
your stepfamily belt moving too fast for any of your kids or adults? How can you tell?
So the merger problem you face is: how can you co-parents
intentionally monitor and regulate the pace of change in and between your
homes as you try to bond and stabilize into a new, complex family system? The rest of this article
(a) explores some basics about human change and loss,
and (b) some options you co-parents have to regulate how fast you all merge, to avoid serious stresses and your
stepfamily mobile gyrating out of control.
Premises About Change
You co-parents can control your merger speed better if you all stay aware of some
key realities about change. See how
many of these you already knew:
Change happens
among your (a)
of subselves
(personality),
and (b) all your
and
stepfamily members. These are
separate processes to stay aware of, with separate paces. Being
"overwhelmed" by too many changes too fast really means your
personality subselves are chaotic (leaderless).
Most people
unconsciously resist voluntary change
because it causes anxiety ("worry") - i.e. uncertainty about the
safety and comfort of the post-change world. This resistance is greater in
people who experienced great pain from prior changes, like kids going
through a sudden biofamily separation. Even planned change breeds
temporary anxiety and uncertainty ("stress"). Sudden or gradual unplanned
change can breed more stress longer.
Environmental changes
effect
different people differently, because of age, gender, values,
personality, and prior experience. Some of your family members can adapt (resume
inner-family balance) faster than others. This implies that successful change-management
requires you to identify the slowest adapter among all your adults and kids, and
adjust your pace to suit them
without resentment or blame. Do you know who among you is the slowest to
adapt to changes?
Some changes
require grieving, and others don't. The former involve losing physical or invisible
things to which you've
or attached. Can you
think of things you've changed that didn't "bother you" much? Too many
at once can overwhelm even
the most resilient, grounded child or adult. The moral: as you merge and
adapt, help each
other identify the things you need to grieve, and use
("good grief") skills
together. "Together" includes each of your three or more co-parents and all
resident and visiting kids and caring relatives.
The key indicators of reaction to inner and outer change are your emotions and
related bodily feelings and functions (e.g. sleep, digestion, and
elimination). As you monitor yourself and other stepfamily members for their
change-comfort, discern between "calmness" due to emotional
denial, repression
and/or numbing (protective
strategies), and true psychological-mental-spiritual acceptance and serenity.
Some changes occur suddenly, and others slowly. Some are foreseen, and others come
without warning. Your stepfamily members have a better chance of adjusting
to all your merger changes if they know (a) what's going to change in advance
and (b) how those changes will affect them and those they care about. This
suggests the long-term value of you co-parents evolving a thoughtful
merger plan, and discussing enough it with all affected kids and
relatives.
Some
changes
occur in clusters, and others happen alone. Buying a new car or TV has
far fewer family-wide effects than co-parents re/wedding, moving in together, having
an "ours" baby," moving to a new home or location, or changing child custody. To
help you discuss and plan your changes, categorize your stepfamily changes
as minor, moderate, and major.
Your co-parents are
at the highest risk of significant merger stress if you try to make too many
major changes without planning them or allowing time to adapt to them. This is why
re/marrying or co-habiting within a few months of marital separation and
divorce or a first date is usually a toxic
decision for all concerned.
Invisible changes can cause just as much stress as physical ones, and are harder
to identify. Most of the
you all will change by merging
your biofamilies are invisible.
The
effects
of inner and outer change vary between predictable and
totally unforeseen. For most mates, kids, and grandparents, the
effects of a first divorce, and parental re/marriage into a stepfamily, tend
to be unforeseen. The changes from such events usually take longer to adapt
to than foreseen changes like choosing a new school or family church.
In
pacing
your complex merger, note the difference between changes that are freely
chosen, vs. those that are imposed by others. The latter can add hurt,
resentment, and anger to the normal mix of change emotions that need
to be felt, expressed, and released.
You may know of some kids who weren't
ready for their parent to re/marry and/or cohabit
- specially if stepsiblings are involved. Forcing change on an adult or
child is inherently disrespectful
It implies "My current needs are more important to me
than yours are." Finally...
|
As you
regulate your merger speed, it's useful to discern the difference
between judging if one person has accepted and stabilized from family
changes, vs. whether your whole stepfamily system has stabilized. |
Pause and
reflect: how many of these premises did you know already? Do you know how
many of them your other co-parents and key relatives know? Now - how can you
use these premises to manage your complex biofamily merger effectively
together?
Trouble Symptoms
How do you know if you're changing too much too fast for some of your adults or kids?
Common symptoms are:
apathy
and
irritability, and/or withdrawal and isolation
(often
resident or visiting, grown or minor (step)kids' "acting out" at home
and/or school (hostility,
indifference, defiance, anger,
lying, stealing, and/or apathy). This may include a child threatening or
demanding to "go live with my other parent," or an ex mate suing for a
change of custody or visitation;
avoidance,
rejection of, or indifference toward new stepfamily relatives;
an
eruption
of conflict between (a) previously stable ex mates, (b) bioparents and biokids,
or (c) bio, half, or stepsiblings; and/or...
one or more
of blocked grief
in an adult or child.
These symptoms can indicate other problems too, like significant false-self
inarticulable
and/or local overwhelm (false-self discord) with
many concurrent life burdens.
Pacing Options
The following
suggestions assume you co-parents (a) know
you're
merging, and (b) have agreed to draft a merger plan - ideally based on a
consensual stepfamily
If you haven't drafted a plan yet, one or more of you adults may be denying
your stepfamily
and what it
means, and/or may be
prior losses. Both are clear symptoms of
false-self dominance and inner wounding.
Agree
on a long-term outlook.
Your merger will
probably take four or more years to stabilize after your
commitment ceremony, vs. cohabiting. This is like pacing yourself
to get a diploma after four or more years' patient work in college. Typical
co-parents who
unrealistically expect to stabilize within a few months will usually
experience frustration, confusion, disappointment, and anxiety.
Build your understanding of stepfamily
realities
The more realistic your new
role and relationship expectations are, the better able you'll be to
effectively project, pace, and manage your merger.
Agree on
and feelings are
important in your merger. If you ignore or discount the feelings and
needs of a co-parenting ex mate and/or their new partner, stepkids, and kin,
you'll probably harvest escalating confusion, loyalty conflicts, and
relationship triangles as you try to merge and bond.
Discern
with compassion if any of your three or more co-parents are ruled by a
If you or your mate
are, make Project-1
a
high-priority part of your merger plan. If other co-parents are
wounded, factor that in as you try to
implement and adjust your plan.
Discuss and agree on how the five stepfamily
and the 12 safeguard
apply to you
all, and teach other relatives about them and your opinions. Also...
Discuss and agree on a way you co-parents can judge whether one of your adults
or kids is feeling overwhelmed by the pace of your stepfamily merger. This
partly depends on you all evolving a shared
of (a)
you're changing, (b)
a merger
vocabulary; (c) how your the merger process feels, and (d) proactively teaching these to all
involved kids and adults.
More merger pacing options...
Choose to develop your co-parents' awareness of which merger changes merit
grieving (for whom?), and which don't. Then evolve a common understanding of
good-grief principals and a forge a
stepfamily
for your homes
and extended
Help each other become effective grief
supporters,
and teach your kids "good grief."
As part of
upgrading your members' effective communication skills
help
each other develop
respectful
and
skills. Then encourage
any adults
and kids who are locally overwhelmed by merging too fast to identify and
assert their feelings and current
Help each other evolve shared clarity on merger
and
conflicts and relationship
How
well you identify and co-operatively resolve these inescapable
biofamily-merger stressors will affect how well your blending goes, how fast
you all can tolerate it, and how long it takes.
Work
patiently at
together
- evolve an effective co-parenting
How well you're able to do
that together will have a major effect on how smoothly your merger goes, and
how long it takes. A core requirement is re/married mates genuinely
accepting that (a) they're forming a stepfamily, and (b) their kids'
other co-parents are full
of their nuclear
stepfamily
Help each other
be alert to local events that affect your merger progress and
pace. Common examples include holidays,
residence and
custody changes,
births, (re)marriages, (re)divorces,
deaths, retirements, graduations, co-parent
legal suits, major illnesses and financial changes.
Periodically inventory the
you all are
merging, and assess and affirm each member's progress at adapting to
changes with each of them.
Add your own merger-pacing suggestions:
Pause and
reflect: why did you read this article? Has anything changed since you did?
This is an introduction to stepfamily-merger pacing. It is neither
thorough or exhaustive, and aims to raise your awareness of your merger
goals, variables, and process. The overall aim of Project 9 is to help you
co-parents merge your biofamilies and stabilize your new extended
stepfamily, over time.
Recap
Co-parent
re/wedding and/or cohabiting formally initiates a complex physical -
psychological - spiritual merger process of three or more co-parents'
multi-generational biofamilies. Most romance-dazed new partners
are only hazily aware of the complexity of the merger they've undertaken,
and
the major personal and relationship stressors their merger process can
cause.
This article is part of co-parent
intentionally manage the complex merger of your biofamilies, while balancing
many other adjustment tasks, responsibilities,
and priorities, over four or more years after re/wedding.
This article focuses
on co-parents becoming
of - and avoiding - trying to change too many things too fast for
some of their adults or kids.
The two other
parts of this merger project are co-parents learning to avoid or spot and
effectively resolve inevitable
and
conflicts, and
associated relationship
Co-parents
paying conscious attention to all three of
these potential stressors is part of an effective stepfamily merger plan.
For more perspective on managing complex stepfamily changes effectively, see
this. If you're in a biofamily, see
this.
Continue