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http://sfhelp.org/09/develop1.htm
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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
high-nurturance family relationships
and
preventing divorce.
This introduction
describes the Web site's purpose and the
best ways to use its resources. Eacharticle is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense
they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
qualified
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and
re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first
union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the
three or more related stepparents
and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
need?
This
article outlines three possible developmental paths that typical multi-home
nuclear stepfamilies follow, over time: nurturing, enduring,
or dying. Awareness of these paths and the choices that determine them
can
help responsible co-parents grow a clear long-range perspective on "Where do
we want our family to go?" and "How are we doing?"
To
get the most from these two Web pages, I suggest you first read this
overview
of "what's a
high-nurturance family" I assume you want you
and your loved ones to live in one, yes? A key factor that affects its
wholistic (
spiritual +
emotional + physical + mental) health is...
How Does Your Family Handle Change?
Life on spaceship Earth decrees "all things change, over time,
except the constancy of change." Persons, relationships, families, and
civilizations all have identifiable beginnings, middles, and endings. They
each move fitfully or majestically through an evolution, or change, process of
birth through death, guided by Nature's cellular and cosmic blueprints.
Social scientists have described the growth
cycle of typical families. This cycle has a common theme, but varies
in detail for different kinds of family: biological ("traditional"),
absent-parent, childless, homosexual, foster, communal - and stepfamily.
Biofamily Developmental Phases
Typical intact biofamilies develop through seven phases
over 70 years or less...
1) The courtship, commitment, and
cohabiting of a young adult couple, and the early merger of their
two
extended families; followed
by...
2) Many adjustments
(losses, gains, and
grieving,) during their child-conception years, leading to...
3) Nurturing their kids to adult
independence and separation (the "empty nest" phase), requiring adults
and kids to grieve and the extended family to restabilize. That
precedes...
4) One or more of their adult
kids' coupling (or not), and the merger and restabilizing of each new
young couples' extended families. Then comes...
5) The conception and nurturing of
grandchildren - causing more reorganizations, grief and joy, and
gradual stabilizations (or not). The family evolution path concludes
with...
6) The retirements, infirmities, and
eventual deaths of the original couple, and finally...
7) The grieving (or not) and restabilizing
of the surviving kinfolk.
Death,
divorce, infertility, sexual
affairs, genetics, and lots of
unpredictable social and environmental factors affect whether a biofamily
like yours follows this "standard" path, or some variation. Some
phases overlap with each
other - partly because different family members adjust to change at
different paces.
This
model biofamily developmental path is organic, dynamic, and
kaleidoscopic. Powered by (a) human
needs
and aging, and (b) social and environmental changes, the path evolves over
time with both visible and hidden symptoms of progression - or not.
Childless couples skip stages two through five. Some couples have kids but no
grandkids (no stage 5).
The larger view is that if related grandparents, parents, and kids are alive
together, their three family life-cycles overlap and interact
with each other. Within this overall biofamily developmental path, each person and each family
relationship
is evolving through their/its own evolutionary path,
with phases and changes - losses and gains. Wheels within wheels...
Typical Stepfamily Development
is
Far More Complex!
Typical stepfamilies
must negotiate many extra phases in their basic
evolutionary path. They usually have more related adults and kids, many more
concurrent conflicts and adjustment tasks, and different social,
co-parenting, religious,
and legal environments. These combine to create many more possible routes to the final
family-development step of "co-parent death and survivors' grieving."
For perspective on what follows,
note that there
are over
100 structural types of stepfamily. In America,
about 90% of these
follow
one or both partners' divorces. The rest follow the death of a spouse.
Each group follows some version of a basic stepfamily growth path, following stages
1) (courtship) and 2) (child
conception/s) above.
Your stepfamily starts with...
3) One or two divorces
or mate-deaths, followed by...
4)Your
surviving adults,
kids, and emotionally-bonded relatives
grieving their
losses or
not, leading to...
5)The resulting
one or two-home absent-parent (vs.
"single-parent") nuclear family stabilizing (or not). "Stabilizing"
requires all your relatives to avoid or resolve minor-to-major family conflicts over
child custody,
child visitations, and child
financial support. Eventually...
6) The widowed
or divorced co-parent begins to date and court a new childless
partner
or another divorced or widowed bioparent; and...
7)They eventually
cohabit, with or without re/marriage.
This causes...
8)the upset, reorganization
(merger), and gradual
grieving and restabilizing (or not) of your
two or more co-parents' extended biofamilies. This simple
sentence describes an stunningly complex set of up to 30
concurrent inner-personal and interpersonal adjustment
tasks that can span a decade or more. How
these tasks progress individually and collectively creates many
different stepfamily- development paths.
To earn the prize of
"stepfamily health, bonding, and stability," all your adults
have to (a) navigate through this maze-like array of alien new tasks
"successfully," and (b) help each of your dependent kids to
fill up to 35
adjustment needs! You must do
this at the same time your youngsters are negotiating their own developmental mazes toward healthy independence
and
co-parenthood themselves. Each of your adult members is going through their own
developmental (mid-life, retirement, aging, death) phases, too.
Never a dull moment!
Woven into these many maze-ways, another
probable development phase you'll all traverse is...
9*) Another of
your related co-parents gets re/married, re/divorced,
and/or has a(nother) child. Each time this happens, your whole
extended step
family system must adjust it's membership,
roles, rules, priorities, rituals, asset ownerships, allegiances, dreams, loyalties, and
logistics again; grieve the old ones, and restabilize.
The
(a) effectiveness of your adult members'
communication, plus (b) the extent of their
stepfamily awareness and
knowledge,
plus (c) the (emotional + mental + physical + spiritual) health and
priorities of your stepfamily's leaders, largely determine whether your
multi-generational stepfamily truly stabilizes, or is in perpetual stressful uproar.
* This stepfamily phase
can be repeated several times, so it's a developmental
"corkscrew" (a spiral through time) vs. the "standard" biofamily's straight
evolutionary path. Each version of this stage can take many years.
Eventually...
10) Your
youngest stepchild or half-sibling leaves home for good, and the "standard"
family developmental phases four through seven (above) run their
course. These four phases usually involve many more people in a
stepfamily than in average extended (intact) biofamilies. Your stepfamily's
developmental path "ends" when (a) the youngest of your three or more related
co-parents dies and (b) is grieved "enough."
What do you notice about this multi-stage developmental path? Regardless of
details, a fundamental theme in all biofamilies and stepfamilies is that all
their kids and adults must periodically change all the factors in
stage nine above and grieve their old ways, in order to solidly
accept
(vs. ignore or reject) the new ways.
Typical multi-home stepfamilies face more changes more often than typical intact
biofamilies. That suggests that your co-parents' skill at
mourning effectively and encouraging your kids to do so is
vital.
Some
families adapt to personal and environmental changes more successfully than
others.
Evolution demonstrates the absolute law that living
things adapt to change thrive. Families whose leaders resist or
deny change gradually lose their vital ability to promote the safety, growth, and well-being
of their members.
Restated: change-resisting families decline in their basic
purpose: to
nurture each of their members. Do you agree?
Low-nurturance
and
high-nurturance
families tend to
reproduce themselves. Which would you rather have you and your kids and
grandkids live in? Which kind of family are you used to living in?
You may
wonder "So
what? What does all this 'developmental path' stuff mean to me
and my loved ones?" I hope that your understanding and discussing these factors
will help motivate
you and your present and future co-parenting partners to intentionally
set your long-term sights on one of these...
Three
Possible
Stepfamily Growth Paths
Re/courting
co-parents usually have vague or sharp dreams of the lifestyle they want to
have (co-create) in old age: a warm network of healthy, accessible,
loving family and friends; a peaceful, safe, interesting community;
reasonable health and effective health care; enough financial security and
independence; and the pains, losses, and failures of the past mellowed,
grieved, and truly forgiven.
Along our personal developmental path, most of us long for those things and
to feel our own life has been "fulfilled" - i.e. feel we've had ample chance to develop and
use our unique talents and
gifts to make the world a better place. Do you have a dream like
that yet? Does your partner? Your ex mate? Each child? Did each of your
parents?
The extent that you actually realize these personal and environmental
dreams for yourselves and your loved ones depends on your wholistic
personal, family, and social healths; and on
our nurturing or toxic biosphere. Restated: the quality (and length) of
your old age, and of your kids' and grandkids' lives, will be greatly shaped
by how toxic or nurturing your biofamily and stepfamily development paths are.
Do you agree?
I propose that there are
three general developmental paths that your evolving
stepfamily may follow: (1) nurturing and fulfilling, (2) "enduring"
(significant pain); and (3) psychological or legal re/divorce. I further propose that if your
three or more co-parenting partners take proactive
responsibil-ity for your
nuclear stepfamily's long-term outcome, you can strongly influence which of the three courses
all your stepfamily members will travel.
Perspective: many stepfamily authors estimate - despite lack of Census data
- that over half of U.S.
stepfamily re/marriages just like yours end in divorce - path
# 3.
I've found no credible estimates on what portion of the others are enduring
ongoing stress and unhappiness because they don't want to (re)experience
legal divorce in mid-life or early old age.
From 29 years' clinical research, and
listening to ~1,000 typical
(Midwestern) stepfamily co-parents since 1981,
my hunch is that the first
(nurturing, fulfilling) developmental path is taken by under 15% of
co-parents just like you. If so: if you co-parent partners
don't cooperate and take charge of the developmental path you all co-create,
the odds for your and your kids' long-term happiness and wholistic health
are low.
If the flight agent told you that a plane had over 50% chance of crashing, would
you take your family aboard? I write this to alert and motivate you, not
bum you out!
Let's explore the key factors that determine which of these three paths your
stepfamily will take, and key symptoms of each path. Do you know which
path you're on? Before reading further, I invite you to strengthen your knowledge
base: (re)read these stepfamily basics, and these
outlines of
five re/divorce hazards and
12 protections.
1)
The Nurturing Stepfamily Path
Here "nurturing" means "intentionally filling
primary needs
for normal growth and sustained
spiritual,
psychological, and physical
(wholistic) health. A core assumption here is that every member of your extended stepfamily
needs enough nurturance every day. Restated:
too little childhood nurturance
promotes impaired
wholistic health, and individual and family stress
and unhappiness. Do you see it that way?
Premise: families like
yours exist and persist in every age and culture to fill certain core
needs of each member. You and each of your relatives strive moment by
moment to feel enough comfort. Comfort occurs when
your physical, emotional, and spiritual needs are satisfied
"enough." Extended (multi-generational) families have the
highest potential for consistently satisfying your primary needs.
Can you think of another social group which can nurture
your and your kids' and relatives' basic needs for security, acceptance,
empathy, recognition, love, companionship, and fun? Some church communities
and democratic communes can provide some of them. Most can't really
reproduce the fierce primal commitment and selfless love that healthy bioparents feel for
their offspring and each other.
Can you recall ever belonging to some human group that you would
describes as consistently nurturing (vs. effective, efficient,
"functional," or productive)? Think of your birthfamily, your
many school classes, your church community (if any), and various work and
hobby groups, teams, troops, and tours you've belonged to. Notice what you feel
as you review your personal panorama.
Your panorama is necessarily shaped and limited by your life experience. A
group you sincerely
label as "very nurturing" may be only part-way along the
line connecting "not nurturing" and "extremely nurturing."
Use this brief worksheet of group-member
traits to refine your answer to the question above.
If you can't think of being in such a group, what does that mean?
If you do identify a truly nurturing group you've belonged to,
can you identify the key factors that made it feel "nurturing"?
Now contrast those factors with the characteristics of a non-nurturing group
you've endured. What makes the difference?
Premise: truly
nurturing groups of three or more people have these things in common:
1) One or more leaders, who...
choose and enjoy their role and
responsibility,
are steadily motivated to lead and nurtureother members, and...
consistently earn the genuine confidence,
trust, and respect of each group member as persons and in their leadership
role.
Would you say that about each
of your childhood caregivers? Would your kids each say that about you? These queries are about discovery, not blame!
2)
The leader/s have a clear, unwavering long-term image of where
they want the group to accomplish, vs. just "putting out daily
brush fires." They're able to share that image with all group members
effectively, keep everyone focused on it, and evoke members' steady
enthusiasm to overcome life-obstacles and achieve their
goals
together, over time.
3) The
group leader/s genuinely
respect the human differences
among the group's members, and affirm each member's innate dignity, human
rights, and value as worthwhile persons and
teammates - despite any limitations or handicaps.
4) The
leader/s genuinely hold high the daily goal of promoting
each member's personal safety, comfort, dignity, and growth, without
losing sight of the primary long-range goals. Within that, the
leader/s are skilled and motivated to increase members'
responsibilities to help them stretch and grow, within their
capabilities.
5) The leader/s of a truly nurturing group accept that
at times
they must respectfully confront any member who is hindering
the group's progress or harming themselves or another member. This
implies that the group evolves (a) clear rules to govern their decisions
and common actions, and (b) meaningful consequences for any members (or
non-members) who don't follow the rules.
6) The group leaders know how to
communicate and
problem-solve effectively - as judged by all members - and
they're motivated to teach other group members how to do that too.
Leaders know that part of their responsibility to promptly identify
significant conflicts in and between members,
and get needed resources to solve the problem;
7) The leader/s want to (vs. feeling they
have to)
remain steadily
aware of their group's ongoing
process dynamics, and they're able to artfully balance
work, play, and rest for individual members and the whole group.
8) Leaders of truly nurturing groups are also able to
effectively balance being unambivalent and decisive with delegating
responsibilities and decisions to other members. And...
9) The group leaders are effective over time at
asserting and
maintaining appropriate boundaries (physical, emotional, and
legal limits) that separate their group from other groups in a dynamic
world. They also know how to respect their own boundaries and limits, and
can (a) ask for and (b) accept help, when needed.
And groups who nurture all
members wholistically...
10) Have leaders who are consistently able to design and assign clear
roles and responsibilities to other group members, and effectively
resolve any confusion and disputes about them and the rules that govern
them. The leader/s monitor progress, affirm successes often enough,
and respectfully coach members who are having trouble.
Finally...
11) Nurturing-group
leaders enjoy encouraging and promoting their own and their members'
creativity and courage to challenge old ways, propose new and better
ways to reach their goals, and to risk
"doing things different," within limits. This attitude, staying focused on long-term goals, and effective problem
solving, all promote adapting successfully to Life's endless changes.
+ + +
This summary is offered as an illustrative, vs. thorough list of
nurturing-group traits. How does this set of factors compare to yours? Note
that each item has to do with qualities of the group's leader/s.
Who
leads your present family? How do they rank with this set of
factors - honestly?
Reconsider: have you ever belonged to a high-nurturance
group (a) whose leaders had many or most of these 11 qualities
consistently, and (b) in which you and other members usually felt many of these
traits?
I suspect that the "~15%" of typical multi-home stepfamilies
that end up well-fulfilled and satisfied along their
developmental path have leaders with most of these traits.
Three key
corollaries, in case you want your stepfamily to be in that blessed group:
All
three or more of your co-parents need to have enough
personal
wholistic health before you can co-create and lead a
high-nurturance stepfamily across the years. Each leader needs
to be guided most of the time by her or his
true Self and
Higher Power. Our tragic (re)divorce
epidemic starkly suggests that this is seldom
true in America 2000, so far.
Project 1 offers an effective way to
evaluate whether you and your co-parenting partners are wholistically-healthy enough. Your kids and future relatives will realize as adults that
they depended on each of you family leaders to do so for them. Your
choice.
The
set of general high-nurturance factors above corresponds exactly to key
traits needed to build and maintain a wholistically-healthy stepfamily.
The links in each item above will take you to ideas and resources that
will help you tailor these general traits to fit your unique
nuclear
and
multi-generational
stepfamilies.
These links lead to key parts of the
12 safeguard projects that you and your care-giving partners can use as a framework
to help in reaching your long-term stepfamily goals. That presumes you and
your partners are clear and agreed on your wonderful kaleidoscopic group's
mission... are you yet?
Project 6 exists to help you all do that.
Finally...
Unless
you've been a stepfamily co-parent before (vs. a stepchild), your life
experience (and probably your protective
false self) will unconsciously foster you're ignoring or postponing action on the
ideas on these and the linked pages. If you feel these ideas don't pertain to you and your
divorcing family or
stepfamily members, print and put this article somewhere you can retrieve
it, and reread it with compassion 25 years from now. Notice your
self-talk now...
Continue
exploring your other two possible stepfamily-development paths on
page 2. Is there anyone you'd like to show this article to and
discuss it? Is there anything in the way of your doing that?
The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/09/develop1.htm
How Does Your Family Handle 