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This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and preventing divorce.
This introduction describes the Web site's
purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part
of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you
read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
This is the last of
a series of
Web pages exploring two universally stressful stepfamily dynamics: loyalty or inclusion conflicts
and related relationship triangles in and between adults and children. Prior pages describe...
-
and how stepfamily co-parents typically deal with them. Loyalty conflicts
are a special kind of values conflict.
-
A set of
realities co-parents need
to know to master loyalty clashes.
-
What loyalty conflicts are like for minor and grown stepfamily kids;
-
How re/married co-parents can master
loyalty conflicts; and...
-
understand, spot, and dissolve divisive
[persecutor-victim-rescuer] relationship
and...
-
What win/win compromising (problem solving) sounds like.
Note:
you can get the key Web pages in this loyalty-conflict series (and much
more) in the
co-parent guidebook
Build a High-nurturance Stepfamily.
How Do You Handle Loyalty Conflicts Now?
A stepfamily loyalty
conflict is a situation where someone feels
two or more other people
who each want attention or priority now (e.g. "like / love / agree with /
be with me now, not her or him!"). Such conflicts are normal and
frequent in stepfamilies. No one is wrong or bad if they happen! These conflicts
feel much different than similar conflicts in biological families.
Loyalty conflicts can erupt over
almost anything:
clothes, money, pets, chores, language,
child discipline, privacy, worship, vacations, meals, space, attitudes, holidays, rules,
objects, grooming, etc.
This worksheet aims to (a) help you learn
something about such conflicts in your stepfamily, _ suggest some choices, and
(b) to
promote positive discussion (vs. blame) and win/win problem solving among your stepfamily
members about them. Keep in mind this is not about blaming anyone - it's about learning!
Print the worksheet*, get in an undistracted place,
and check to see if your
is
your
If not, your results below may be skewed. Fill out the
worksheet thoughtfully, and ask others
in your stepfamily to do the same.
Then
discuss your findings - as fellow explorers and teammates, vs. opponents or
competitors. If you can't do that yet, you have some
other
relationship issues...
+ + +
Name
three things
that cause repeated
between three or more members of your stepfamily now:
1) _________________________________________________________________________________
2) _________________________________________________________________________________
3) _________________________________________________________________________________
Pick
one of these problems.
Name the person who
feels stuck "in the middle" between two or more other family members:
In this conflict, what does this "middle" person
What do (you think) each of the other people involved
really
needs
here? Possibilities: love, attention, respect, listening, to feel
valued, reassurance, safety, strokes, validation, affirmation, information,
clarity,...
_________________ needs...
_________________ needs...
and
_________________ needs...
How
do these people usually try to
resolve their loyalty conflict? Check
one or more:
_ They hold a group meeting and
discuss the problem as _ equals or _ unequals;
_ One or more people can't
or won't say clearly what they want;
_ Some people ( who?_______________________________________________) don't _ care or
_
understand what the others want;
_ Someone ( who?
________________________ ) orders the other/s to do it their way;
_ The group cooperatively
brainstorms different solutions, _ tries one or more, and _
the conflict usually gets lastingly resolved;
_ The original problem gets
tangled up with others, and gets lost after a while (no lasting solution or decision);
_ Other people are called in (
who? _____________________ ) to help, fight, or decide;
_ Someone ( who?
__________________________ ) changes the subject;
_ People bargain and compromise
successfully: "I'll do this if you do that...";
_ Some people _ blame,
_ argue, _ plead, _ yell, _ leave, _ whine, _ cry, _ collapse,
_ threaten, _ rage, _ get even, _ numb out, _ pout, and/or …
_ ______________________________, and _ ____________________________
Who? does these?
_ Other typical outcomes:
_ Everyone, _ no
one, or _ _____________________
usually gets s/he needs here;
When the conflict ends, the "middle" person here probably
feels _______________,
and the others probably feel
The next time this (or a similar) loyalty conflict occurs, the outcome would
improve if (who does what differently - be specific):
Thoughts / feelings / awarenesses...
Option: use this worksheet periodically with all family members to track
and affirm your group progress in mastering your in-home and between-home loyalty
conflicts, over time. Keep in mind,
this worksheet is not about blaming
or fault-finding - it's about learning!
Pause, breathe, and recall why you used this worksheet. Did you get what
you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what
you need? Who's answering these questions - your wise resident
or
+ + +
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Updated
August 25, 2008
