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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
high-nurturance family relationships
and
preventing divorce.
This introduction
describes the Web site's purpose and the
best ways to use its resources. Eacharticle is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense
they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
qualified
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and
re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first
union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the
three or more related stepparents
and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
need?
Why Read
This Article?
An early challenge for re/marrying
co-parents and ex mates is to fully accept their
identity
as a new multi-home
nuclear stepfamily
(Project 3). A common reaction is: "So what?" So this: Typical multi-home
stepfamilies differ structurally and dynamically from one-home
intact biofamilies in over 60 ways. To form realistic stepfamily goals, plans,
roles, and
expectations, co-parents need to learn what these specific differences
are and
what they
mean.
Typical stepfamilies and biofamilies aresimilar
in many ways. Paradoxically, they also can have up to
35 structural differences in how they're "built."
These cause up to 30 unique adjustment-tasks that typical re/marrying
co-parents face which first-marriers and their relatives don't face.
U.S. society hasn't yet grown clear norms to guide
co-parents on
how to do these alien tasks effectively. Many tasks are concurrent, and some recur
more than once across the years if minor stepkids
change residence and/or their
other
bioparent remarries, conceives new children, and/or redivorces.
These 30 stepfamily-adjustment
(biofamily
merger) tasks are in addition to
normal daily life challenges that co-parents and their kids must accomplish.
Typical stepfamily adults and many helping professionals are unaware of or
unclear on these tasks.They don't know what they don't know, which is
unawareness, not stupidity.
This puts them at risk of unrealistic
family role and relationship
expectations, which promotes escalating frustration and stress. The first step co-parents in a prospective or
committed stepfamily can take towards
mastering their version of these tasks is to learn about and acknowledge
them together!
Here's a two-part overview of these 30
unique stepfamily-building tasks. Check each project that you "know already" as you
read. If you get over 20, you're really aware!
Stepfamilies vs. Intact Biofamilies:
Different Adjustment Tasks (part 1 of 2)
Adjustment Task
Average
Multi-home Stepfamilies
Intact
1-Home Biofamilies
1)
Couples negotiate courtship with existing kids and ex mate/s in the picture
Required. Logistics,
needs, and emotions are often far more complex than typical first-marriage
courtship
No equivalent task (usually)
2) All adult and
child members (a) clearly accept their identity:
"Together, we're forming a nor-mal
nuclear stepfamily";
(b) Members each
decide "Who belongs (initially) in my stepfam-ily now?", and (c) resolve major
differences over this.
Required.
The third of
seven
(ideally) courtship tasks. All three or more co-parents
must (a) learn and accept their version of the step-bio differences shown here, and
(b) help
other family members do the same. Stepfamily adults and kids usually have conflicting
membership definitions.
No equivalent task
3) Co-parents
(a) learn
"what's normalin an average multi-home stepfamily?", and (b) teach key realities to
important others
Required. Avoiding this
fourth Project greatly increases the odds of building
inappropriate, conflictual biofamily-based expectations of each other
No equivalent task.
Typical biofamily mem-bers learn "what's normal" from birth
4a) All members identify
and grieve prior tangible and invisible divorce
and/or death (and later, re/marriage and cohabiting) losses
(broken bonds)
Required. Prior grieving
styles and rules must be merged. Co-parents ignoring this vital
project
unknowingly promote step-family conflict and eventual re/divorce.
No equivalent task
4b) Resolve
biokids' (and some ex mate's) dreams of bioparent and birthfamily reunion.
Logic doesn't count!
Very common. If
unresolved, this dream can block kids from
accepting a step- parent, and stress
the co-parents' re/ marriage. A bioparent's remarriage may shatter the dream, but not
always…
No equivalent task
4c) Bioparents,
biokids, and often bio-grandparents really release prior-divorce
hurts, confusions, resentments,
guilts, and shame
Required, unless the
former mate/s died (~10% of U.S. stepfamilies). Failure at this task inevitably
stresses re/marri-ages over time
No equivalent task
5) Co-parents and
other family members (a) blend their styles of communicating and (b)
de-velop effective
problem-solving skills together
Required. Without
mastering
Project 2 early, all
three or more related
co-parents are greatly hampered in accomplishing all these other tasks in and between
their related homes.
Required, but far
simpler:only
two co-parents need to do this, not three or more. Still, failure at this contri-butes to
most couples' first divorces
6) Courting adults each
honestly answer three questions: "are these the right
people to re/ mar-ry? Is this the right
time? Am I
doing this for the right
reasons?
Far More Complex.
The ~60% stepfamily re/divorce rate implies that most couples don't evaluate
these key questions well enough. Answering these is pre-re/marriage
Project 7.
Far Simpler. Couples have
no children or ex mates to consider in answering these questions;
they also have less experience!
7)
Co-parents make prenup- tial- agreement decisions, and possibly sign a legal
contract defining them
More common. Wealthier re/marriers often want to guard against possible re/divorce asset-conflicts and
losses. Such contracts can breed partners' distrust, hurt, and resentments
Unusual. Most
first-marriers aren't wealthy enough to worry about this, and don't believe divorce could
happen to them. About 45% are wrong
8) Re/marriers
plan and hold a commitment ceremony (usually a wedding) for "the family"
and friends
Simpler. Social norms are
much clearer. Usually, fewer people - and no biokids, ex-mates, or ex-in-laws - are
involved
Adjustment
Task
Average
Multi-home Stepfamilies
Intact
1-home Biofamilies
9) All stepfamily
members adjust to kids', ex mate/s', and ex in-laws' reactions to re/mar-riage
and cohabiting
Required. Some kids, ex mates, and/or
kin can be hostile, rejecting, and/or intrusive - specially if some adults are
Grown Wounded Children, and/or prior
divorces or deaths aren't well-
mourned
No equivalent task
10) Make harmonious dwelling,
furnishing, decorating, and space-allocation (e.g. bedroom) decisions. Merge
and stabilize sets
of physical and financial assets, debts, goals, traditions, priorities, rituals, and values
Required: "Your home,
mine, or a new one?" More people are affected, so these and related choices are usually farmore complex and conflictual for adults and kids. This is co-parent
Project 9
Required. The dwelling is
usually new to both mates. Far fewer be-longings and assets to choose among, and no kids'
attachments to consider
11) Members
resolve personal name and family-role
role-title confusions:
"What should we call each other?"
Required.
This is often confusing,
stress-ful, and frustrating, in and between linked homes and with kin and friends
No equivalent task
12) Cope with a
co-parenting ex mate, child, or key relative who won't accept the divorce,
re/mar- riage, and/or the new stepparent.
Frequent.
When present, usually the ex felt abandoned and abused, and has de-nied major
childhood
nurturance depriva-tions and resulting inner
wounds
(see # 28 on the next page)
No equivalent task
13)Minor
stepkids'
key task: testto learn clearly "Am I safe in this family, or
will it break up too?" and "Who's really in charge of this
home?" (see #16a)
Required, if stepkids
experienced prior parental
divorce/s. Appropriate testing is often (wrongly) seen
as "acting out," and the kids are shamed and/or punished for assessing
their and younger sibs' safety
No equivalent
task, but it can
develop with time in a significantly low- nurturance (unsafe) bio-home
14a) Non-custodial re/wedded
bioparents cope with frequent guilt, resentment, and sadness that they're co-raising
others' kids instead of their own
Probable, if bioparent-child
visitations and communications are infrequent, unsatis-fying, and/or blocked by
others; and/or if the bioparent's divorce
grief is incomplete .
No equivalent task
14b) Non-custodial bioparents
accept that they are missing much of their kids' growing-up events, and that another
adult with different values (i.e. a step- parent) is co-raising their child/ ren
15)
New mates decide "Shall we conceive one or more kids?"
Possible, before and/or after
re/wedding. Mates are older; higher odds that one adult says "No, I have
enough kids"; the decision is farmore complex. If "Yes,"
new births often cause many (three-gen-erational)
loyalty conflicts
and
triangles.
Probable; much simpler
decision. The co-par-ents are younger, and have far fewer money issues and other
affec-ted people - e.g. no existing stepkids, ex mates, and ex in-laws
16a) All
three or more
related co-parents learn and help all dependent kids fill over 30 complex, unique
adjustment needs in addition to their normal
growing-up tasks
Required. Stepfamily-identity denials (#2), and
unawareness
(most co-parents can't name all
these 30+ stepchild tasks), often hinder stepfamily caregivers, raising their and their
kids' distress
No equivalent
task.Bioparents
strive to guide minor kids on a score of normal
devel-opmental needs, to become
independent, successful, healthy, productive young adults and co-parents
16b) Co-parents evolve effective, compatible role definitions (who does
what?), and agree on co-parenting responsibilities and priorities for each
dependent child
Required; far more
complex,because
there are three or more co-parents and often more kids involved. Post-divorce hostilities
and distrusts, ineffective communication skills, and adults'
unawareness
of step norms and unique stepchild
tasks (#16a) often interfere. This task normally takes years
Required, but simpler: only two co-parents, and fewer kids and kin, so lower odds of con-flict. Bioparenting
norms are common and far clearer. They're learned over years before the wedding
from parents, kin, the media, and society
17) All members
effectively resolve a stream of
values and priority (loyalty or
inclusion) conflictsin and
between their many linked homes
Required. Rewedded bioparents
must
choose their mate second
oftenenough (after personal health and dignity), vs. ranking biokids, kin, or work
higher, or the stepparent grows resentful and eventually may re/divorce
Uncommon unless one or
both adults have not
matured. Often, biokids and parenting values are not the key marital
con-flict
18) Mates
consistently make enough quality
couple-times to nourish their
relationship
Often (much) harder,
due to more people in the home and stepfamily, and more concurrent
adult
and child tasks
Easier, unless one or both
mates shun inti-macy. Fewer people and tasks compete for time.
19) Resolve
family relationship problems between new and prior (co-parenting) mates, stepsibs, and/or
step and "ex" in-laws
Required.
Common
surface conflicts: money; parenting values, responsibilities, and priorities; child
visitations
and custody; religion; authority (control); time; holidays; loyalty; family
membership, and possessions. These are symptoms of underlying
primary problems.
Some of the same
conflicts among fewer people.
Summary:
typical intact-biofamily
members don't experience 13 of these 19 stepfamily-merger adjust-ment tasks.
Versions of the other six tasks are much simpler in average biofamilies. How
many of these task-differences do you think average stepfamily adults and
supporters could name?
Continue
co-parent
Project 9 by reviewing stepfamily-unique
adjustment tasks 20 through 30. Do you need a
stretch break first?
The Web
address of this two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/09/sf-task1.htm
Why Read
This Article?