The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/10/agreement.htm
Continued from p. 1
Options for Resolving Parenting Disputes
If you are stressed by significant co-parental conflicts now, (a) adopt the
open, questioning, unbiased "mind of a student," and (b) expect that to
permanently reduce your disputes, you and related co-parents -
including any stepparents and/or grandparents - will each have to want
to change some fundamental things.
A major challenge to overcome is to accept that you have been - and are - at least half of any major
child-care conflicts. The
personality
that controlled each ex mate at the top of this article were very resistant
to this.
-
Acknowledge with minimal guilt and blame
that (a) your current strategy to avoid or reduce co-par-ental conflicts
isn't working, and that (b) you are responsible for changing some
basic attitudes, priorities, values, and behaviors that are promoting
your conflicts.
Yes, the other co-parent must
want to do the
same. Option: you can
(vs. de-mand) that s/he does this, and
that s/he may not want to at this time.
-
Invest time in
vividly identifying the specific
benefits to you, your partner (if any), and your minor and grown kids
that reducing your co-parental conflicts would bring all of you -
e.g. "No more aggravating shouting matches and phone hang-ups!" Invest
time in identifying each specific co-parenting conflict you feel is
significant now.
Do this without blame or excessive guilt. Then try to step into your ex
mate's skin, and list what you feel s/he needs specifically
relative to co-parenting. Consider that the steps below all aim to help
you adults (a) identify and fill your respective needs (and your kids
needs), and (b) permanently reduce the surface problems you list here.
-
Invest time in identifying your personal and family
strengths. Keep these in
mind as you study the ideas below.
-
Patiently study, tailor, and
discuss each of these articles in order with other adults (and older
kids?) involved. Expect this to take several months. Option:
use this as a checklist to track
your progress...
__ the four or five core
stressors in most troubled families
__ this
introduction to primary and secondary human needs
__ what typical kids of divorced
parents
need. These needs are what your
parenting agree-ment should aim to fill;
__ this summary of the
traits of a high-nurturance
family. Use this as a checklist for (a) the family you grew up in and
(b) your present family;
__ this
summary of what typical kids of divorced parents need. Use this to
identify what each of your minor kids, stepkids, or (step) grandkids
need now;
__
this overview of co-parent
Project 1: identifying and
reducing false self wounds.
Use this and these related articles to assess yourself for wounds, and
learn how to reduce them. If your subselves choose to avoid this
fulcrum step, the rest of these articles will be of little long-term
help;
__ these toxic adult
attitudes that can contribute
to internal and co-parental conflicts
__ this perspective on wounded ex mates, and options for relating to them
__
this overview of
Project 2: learning to
apply seven
for effective communication
__ this three-page introduction to,
and illustration of, "digging down"
below surface needs to discern current primary needs
__ this proposal of basic
human rights
__ this two-page checklist of common
communication blocks
__ these examples of helpful
communication
phrases
__
these options for improving
communication with adults and
kids
__ this example of win-win co-parental
problem solving
__ these
other articles and worksheets
promoting effective communication
__ this introduction to interactive
barriers to post-divorce co-parental
teamwork
__ this overview of
Project 10 - evolving real co-parental
teamwork
__ these options for relating
effectively with a wounded ex mate
__ this perspective on communication options
with a "difficult" ex mate
__ these alternatives to destructive
legal battles between ex mates
__ scan these common
surface problems, and study
and discuss any that apply to your unique situation
__
if you're in a stepfamily or may be, read, mull, and discuss each
of these
foundation articles with your
other co-parents and your lay and professional supporters.
If
this seems like a lot to learn and integrate -
it is! In the long run,
investing time and effort in study-ing the ideas and option in these articles
now will return priceless dividends in personal and family har-mony and
co-parental satisfaction.
The
alternative is years of hurt, resentment, frustration, anger, anxiety,
possible legal expenses, remarital stress and possible re/divorce, wounded
minor children, and old-age guilts and remorse. The TANSTAFL principle
applies here: "There Ain't No Such
Thing as Free Lunch."
Suggestions for Creating an Effective Parenting Agreement
Whether you co-parents need to draft an agreement or upgrade an existing
contract, you have many practical options for co-creating an effective
document. These suggestions build on each other, so follow them in order for
best results...
1)
Each co-parent identify and discuss your current personal
priorities - honestly.
If "Be the most effective co-parent I can be" isn't among your top five
priorities, these suggestions will probably be of little value to you
and your dependent kids.
2)
Encourage each other to use a
long-range
perspective (e.g. the next 15-20 years) in designing your agreement,
not just "this summer" or "this school year."
3)
yourselves honestly for false-self
and proactively work at
any you find.
in this site offers practical ways to do this. Ignoring this option
will steeply lower the usefulness of the other suggestions below.
4)
Each co-parent review your basic
attitudes about key family roles
and relationships. Some toxic attitudes can unconsciously sabotage your
efforts here.
5)
Discuss the long-range purpose of your
family: what are you trying to accomplish together? Option: if
you don't have a meaningful family
yet, invest time and energy in evolving one together. Then use
it to guide you all in major family conflicts and decisions.
6)
Discuss these
traits
of a high-nurturance family,
and adapt them to fit your unique situation. Your parenting agreement is
a resource to help you maintain a high nurturance level as your members
and environment constantly change.
7)
Commit to studying and using the
communication basics and
in
They - and reducing
false-self wounds - are the basis for resolving parenting and all other
disagreements
8)
Assess your family adults honestly for
these common co-parental relationship barriers.
If you feel your co-parents have significant barriers, make reducing
them together part of evolving an effective co-parenting agreement - and
a high-nurturance family!
in this site and its related
guidebook focus on building co-parenting
over time.
9)
Learn how to use your
communication skills to spot and resolve
and
(priority)
conflicts. These are the
most common surface reasons (symptoms) for parenting-agreement
disputes.
10)
Help each other learn how to spot
and resolve relationship
together. These usually amplify most family-member conflicts.
11)
Help each other get and stay clear on the
vital difference between surface needs and primary
Then
use this awareness and the related
communication skill to focus
the design of your parenting agreement on filling your kids' and adults'
short-term and long-term
12)
Work to agree on (a) the purpose/s
of your parenting agreement, and (b) the definition of an effective agreement.
This is like laying the keel of a boat to ensure seaworthiness in rough
weather.
13)
Periodically review these wise,
helpful guidelines together, and apply their
wisdom to your family situation. Then mull and discuss what an
is.
14)
Note that parenting and
nurturing mean "filling kids' and adults' current primary
needs." Acknowledge
that each minor family child has simultaneous
developmental needs and family
adjustment
needs. Then work toward agreeing on what each
dependent child in your family needs now.
15)
As you design your parenting
agreement, keep in mind that any
current or future stepparent/s will need to feel their parenting values
and child-caring responsibilities are included co-equally by the
bioparents. Option: Review and discuss this sample parental "job
description" for perspective and ideas.
16)
Be open to learning how other
divorced parents and stepfamily adults handle co-parenting
responsibilities and conflicts. If you attend a single-parent,
divorce-recovery, or stepfamily-co-parent
ask the other participants about this.
Option: inform other co-parents about what you're reading
here, and/or use this article for group discussion.
17)
If you choose to hire (or are
court-ordered to use) a professional
mediator to resolve co-parental disputes, use this article as a way
of shopping for an informed professional. If you can't find one who
knows much about these topics, give candidates a copy of this and ask
them to read and comment on it. If they trivialize or dismiss these
ideas, look elsewhere.
|
18) If you reach a major
impasse among your co-parents in designing or using your
parenting agreement, (a) face the reality your impasse means you
have significant relationship barriers
to reduce; and that court battles and decrees WILL NOT change
this.
Then (b) read why
using attorneys
rather than an informed
to dissolve your impasse will probably increase stress
among all of you in the long run.
If you feel you must
use the legal system, (c) give each attorney, the judge, and any
other professionals a copy of this article and alert them to
this nonprofit Web site! |
Pause and note your thoughts and feelings now. Do you see these 18
suggestions as useful co-parenting tools; a worthwhile investment of your
time ands energy; oppressive, boring chores; or something else? Do you think
committing to some or all of these options over some months could
significantly improve the effectiveness of your family's parenting agreement
over the years until your youngest dependent child lives independently?
Is
your
answering these questions now, or are some
Recap
Millions of American parents
psychologically and/or legally. Most divorced couples can't negotiate
and need a written parenting agreement to help them avoid or resolve
disputes over nurturing their minor child/ren in
Basically, such agreements aim to fill their minor kids' needs well enough.
Typical minor kids of divorce have a daunting array of developmental and
family-adjustment needs that make effective parental agreements
difficult to forge and maintain. Forming a stepfamily later usually makes
multi-home parental cooperation far more difficult.
Many exasperated parents resort to the legal system to force resolution to
their co-parenting impasses, whether there is a written parenting agreement
or not. This inevitably makes things worse - partly because
attorneys, mediators, psychological
evaluators, and judges aren't aware of the co-parents' underlying
and what to do about them.
From over 17,000 hours of clinical experience with hundreds of conflicted
co-parents, this article...
-
defines an effective post-divorce
parenting agreement,
-
suggests nine reasons many divorced
co-parents can't make and maintain one,
-
outlines practical options for reducing
existing "parenting agreement" conflicts, and...
-
offers concrete suggestions for designing an
effective agreement in the first place.
The three core problems
co-parents and legal professionals need to understand are co-parents' (a)
psychological wounds and (b) unawareness, and (c) not knowing the difference
between surface problems
(unmet needs) and underlying
The high majority of stressful
battles over post-divorce legal parenting agreements are fruitless attempts
to solve surface problems.
Each day is a new chance for conflicted co-parents to learn how to
avoid and/or reduce major child-raising stress, and gradually evolve true
win-win-win nurturing
in and between their homes.
in this non-profit Web site and their related
guidebooks provide a framework to help
co-parents do this together.
Selected Resources
This
link-index of other Project-10 (co-parent-team-building) articles
These questions
co-parents should ask - and brief answers
Solution-options for common family role and relationship problems
How to evaluate
stepfamily-related advice, and pick qualified
books
Selected
guidebooks and other
resources for co-parents
Pause and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you
needed? If not, what
you need now?
+ + +
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