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  The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/10/barriers.htm

        Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so please turn off your browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.

        This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological wounds, building high-nurtur-ance family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness] cycle, and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help.

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

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        All adults and kids seek satisfying relationships. Because of the wonderful variety in personalities, backgrounds, and interests, finding compatible mates, relatives, friends, and workmates is a challenge. The more common situation is occasional or chronic conflict and stress between people. Has that been true for you?

        Learning to...

• identify compatible partners,

• understand relationship basics, and...

• admit, analyze, and effectively resolve relationship stressors,

takes years of adult study, experience, and effort. Our feel-good, warp-speed culture doesn't prepare most young adults for this vital task very well. That's part of the reason this non-profit Web site and its guidebooks exist.

 Premises

        Think of the family and other relationships (a) you value the most, and (b) that have the greatest impact on your daily life and contentment. With them in mind, compare your beliefs with these...

        1) Human problems are unfilled needs (emotional, physical, and spiritual discomforts). Needs can be classed as superficial, intermediate, or primary. Most adults and all kids are unaware of this, and reflexively try to fill their surface needs.

        Because this doesn't satisfy the primary needs causing them, the surface "problems" often return. This promotes frustration, self-doubt, cynicism, and in extreme cases, despair - i.e. personal and rela-tionship "stress." For an illustration of these universal problem levels, see this, and return.

         2)  Most relationship "problems" are superficial. Common surface conflicts are caused by a mix of the nine related primary problems below. Implication - if you learn spot and resolve these primary problems, your internal and social relationships will become more satisfying and enjoyable. - specially if your partners are aware and motivated too. The alternative is prolonging and amplifying your relationship dissatisfactions by trying fruitlessly to fill surface needs.

        From clinical experience with over 1,000 typical women and men and research since 1979, I pro-pose effective resolution options for each of these relationship barriers. Click on a barrier to learn more about it and these options. Note that dishonesty is not included because that's usually a surface prob-lem.

        Gain more perspective by studying...

• the basic premises underlying this nonprofit Web site,

• these fundamental topics you probably were never taught

• this quiz on personalities and relationship basics

• an introduction to normal personality subselves (like yours) - slides or text;

• the fundamental ingredients of a healthy relationship and a high-nurturance family,

• this introduction to Grown Wounded Children (GWCs);

• this introduction to psychological wound reduction - slides or text

• ideas on analyzing and resolving most relationship problems

• options for improving most relationships.

        The most effective way to start reducing these barriers is to commit to...

• Project 1 - assess for and reduce psychological wounds,

• Project 2 - learn to use effective-communication skills),

• Project 5 - learn and apply healthy-grieving basics; and...

• Project 6 - evolve and live by a meaningful family mission statement.

        Stepfamily members can prepare to resolve their version of these barriers by also studying and applying...

• Project 3 - admit your stepfamily identity, and agree on who belongs to your family;

• Project 4 - intentionally change unrealistic role and relationship myths to realistic expectations;

• Project 9 -  merge 3 or more multigenerational biofamilies over several years, and stabilize; and...

• Project 10 - intentionally build a high-nurturance stepfamily team, and...

• Project 11 - Evolve and use an effective support network as you do these projects

        Reluctance to invest time and energy in these resources is usually a sign of false-self wounds, and unawareness.

        If you're interested in ways to prevent these barriers and their effects in families and our society, see this series.

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        Pause, breathe, and reflect: why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your wise, resident true Self or "someone else"?

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Updated  October 15, 2008