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This is one of
over 150 articles focused on building
family relationships and
preventing
divorce. This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of
ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles
augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before
continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
A basic premise here is
that a key way divorcing moms and dads can parent well is to consciously balance their own
needs with the kids’ needs - without undue guilt or anxiety. As a therapist specializing
for 27 years working with divorcing and re/married (step)families,
I appreciate the inner
and mutual confusions that adults and dependent kids feel when a parent moves out
(or announces plans to). Waves of feelings, thoughts, worries, and questions swirl and
surge. Internal and external chaos reigns.
Typical custodial and
non-custodial parents are confronted with (temporarily) living two concurrent lives
– one familiar, one totally alien. The familiar life is the one of ongoing
responsibilities to one’s self and key other people: routines with child/ren and
relatives, employer and co-workers, key friends, neighbors, and perhaps a church
community.
The alien life is adjusting to a chaotic tangle of foreseen and unexpected
concurrent changes – in routines, priorities, resources, and roles. The theme that
emerges from this struggle is the parent’s need for intentional personal
balance
every day.
Toward that objective, a
helpful option that both custodial and non-custodial parents - and later,
stepparents - can take is to evolve and
rely on a stable set of believable (vs. idealistic or plastic) inner
affirmations that
promote balanced self-care and care for key others. The key challenge, I think, is –
amidst the inner and outer chaos – forging and keeping the central beliefs that:
-
"I am an OK, valuable wo/man, despite
my (shame, guilts, confusions, doubts, and anxieties),…
…with legitimate needs, feelings,
opinions, and dignity…
…and the abilities to do significant good on Earth, …
…who is finding creative ways to stay
enough and clear
enough during times of great personal and family change,
emotional turmoil,
and confusion."
Though
like this looks simple,
believing what the words say without doubt or reservation
is tough. This is specially true for many of us who were unintentionally taught as kids
(a) to devalue our own needs, feelings, and values ("always think of the
other
guy!"), and (b) that marital separation and divorce is a shameful
"failure," rather than an outcome based on wounds that each partner sustained,
and some unawareness s.
Affirming our own needs and dignity while the world falls
apart does not come easily – specially if people around us are hurt, disappointed,
frustrated, and need to take those feelings out on us criticizing our decisions, values,
and behaviors. Here are more
realistic self-talk options to consider and edit to fit, for your (and
dependents’) daily inner security:
"I bear
significant responsibility for what’s
happening to our family. I will work toward understanding how this happened, and forgiving
my Self and others, as time allows."
Blaming your Self excessively (which
expands shame and nurtures toxic guilt is a form of self-abuse. Current
is
a lot more helpful to you and your kids than fault-finding (anyone), fighting, avoiding,
or whining.
"My
partner and
our other co-parents are persons of dignity and worth too. Though we may
have great values differences and misunderstandings, it helps no one for me to spend
time and energy detailing how inconsiderate, insensitive, stupid, and
bad
a person they are."
"It’s OK to try and balance my current
today with the
needs of others close to me."
"It will help me and the child/ren to learn the communication
skills of respectful assertion (saying what you need to others in a way they can hear
clearly) and empathic listening (listening with your heart).
"When I get clear on what I need, it’s OK (even good) to
ask others for help – within their limits."
"Crying is healthy in every way, and I have a right to my own
crying style, whether it bothers others or not."
"I respectfully give others responsibility for telling me if my
behavior overloads or discomforts them too much. I will tell them the same, when true,
without
undue shame, guilt, or anxiety."
"If I do my best and still can’t meet the current
primary needs
of important others around me, I am not a
bad person. I am a normal person with legitimate
emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical limits."
More options for self-steadying, realistic self talk (inner
affirmations)…
"
will
see us through this. There is some value to this stressful
situation that
I can’t see now, but will, one day."
"One of
the healthiest things I can do for myself and my kids is
to
well. I am going to learn how to do that now, and
do it, over
time, as an important priority. As I learn how be a good-griever, I will
invite other co-parents and help the young people in my life to grieve well also, as best I can."
"It
is
healthy for me to
my primary needs, and to say
"no" and "not now" (set limits) without guilt if I am overloaded, too distracted,
or need to grieve."
"My
child/ren and I will fare best, over time, if I soon evolve
medium-range (say 6-12-months) goals for me and us." Once such goals stabilize, I can
increase the structure in our lives, and (re)gain a sense of purpose and power (vs.
feeling a victim);"
"If
I get too tired, distracted, or depressed it’s productive
to take a break and rest."
"I choose to spend time (where I can) with people who raise my
energy, rather than deplete it."
"I choose to see this as a time of change for potential good,
rather than a life-destroying disaster. That does not mean I’m not scared, lonely,
angry, frustrated, bewildered, and guilty, as this experience unfolds."
"I will try to find a divorced-family
or stepfamily hero/ine or mentor
– and seek respectful inspiration and guidance from them when I can."
"There
is productive, enjoyable life available after
separation and divorce. Each day, the kids and I get closer to finding it."
"There are
many helpful resources available for kids and
adults going through what we are. I’ll find them and use them, as my limits
allow."
You get the idea.
Once you
develop a set of believable statements like these, use them every day to
keep you balanced. Teach this technique to your kids, and help them develop their own
affirmations (not yours). If you do this, inform key others informationally. If you know
other divorcing people, help each other develop inner affirmations that work.
Add to your awareness and self-nurturance by adapting this
sample