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        This is one of over 150 articles focused on building high-nurturance family relationships and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.

        These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the three or more related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily. 

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

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        Stepparents and bioparents usually want to provide the same thing for minor kids in their care: nurturance, guidance, companionship, protection, and a safe refuge. There are also four groups of  significant differences between the family roles  of stepparent and bio(logical) parent:

• social-environment differences,

• family-environment differences,

• co-parent-relationship differences, and...

• adult-child relationship differences. 

Even with forewarning (which is rare), the combined impact of these differences over time can make even well-adjusted stepparents and related co-parents feel inept, confused, alone, unappreci-ated, misunderstood, and sometimes crazy. This is often true for minor stepkids, co-grandparents, and other stepfamily relatives, too!

        Bioparents, relatives, and family-support professionals often find it hard to empathize with what it feels like to be a stepdad or stepmom if they haven't experienced this ancient caregiving role. I suspect most adults in and supporting stepfamilies (educators, clergy, clinicians, lawyers, and judges) have never seen a version of what you're about to read. See what you think ...

        See how many of these role differences you already knew. Also notice what it feels like to see all of them in one place. If you know a stepmom or stepdad, keep them in mind as you review these four groups. Let's start with the big picture ...

A) Different Social Environments around Stepparent and Bioparent Roles

        "Social environment" includes [friends + coworkers + neighbors + social service professionals + media + laws and legal systems + school systems + clergy and churches …]. "Media" includes newspapers, books, magazines, billboards and other public ads, radio, TV, movies, and the Internet.

        1) The intact biological family is modern society's norm. Stepfamilies and stepparents are often judged as inferior, compared to biofamilies and bioparents. They evoke un/conscious discounts and associations (e.g. “stepmother” = "wicked"). Stepfamilies are normal and ancient. Historically, they have been far more prevalent in all world cultures and eras than in modern America because of common parental death from disease, war, unprotected intercourse, and famine.

        2) There is widespread public and professional unawareness of the 60+ structural and dynamic differences between typical stepfamilies and biofamilies, including these 43 role-environment differences. This promotes misunderstandings and misassumptions that confuse co-parents, kids, relatives, and supporters alike        3

       3)  There are few informed books, classes, counselors, groups, or other supports for stepparents and bioparents available in typical communities. Average married and divorced ("single") bioparents' have much more informed support available to them.

        4)  Stepparents usually have no legal status or parenting rights unless they adopt their stepchild/ren. Depending on state law, if a stepparent and their mate die without a will, the stepparent’s estate usually does not pass to their stepkids;

        5)  National and religious holidays usually cause stepfamily role confusion and stress, at least at first. There are few appropriate greeting cards available for stepparents, stepkids, or step-relatives, vs. many for bioparents. That can breed awkwardness, confusion, stress (and creativity!) for some years;

       Difference 6) Unlike bioparents, there are few realistic media portrayals of stepparent and stepfamily situations, relationships, and roles. This promotes low social empathy with, and widespread misunderstanding of, typical stepfamily relationships, roles, and life experience; and...

        7)  Media usage of stepfamily labels and role-titles often imply that steppeople are inferior, flawed, substandard, and abnormal.

        On top of these simultaneous role-differences in social environment, step-people also often experience... 

B) Different Family Environments

        8)  Most nuclear stepfamilies include two or more related co-parenting households, not just one. Implication: c-o-m-p-l-e-x-i-t-y!

        9)  Unlike "standard" intact biofamilies, there are almost 100 different structural kinds of stepfamily, so it's rare to find one like "ours." This can foster a sense of social alienation and uncertainty ("What's normal?") in kids and co-parents, including ex mates and in-laws; and...

        10)  Multi-generational biofamilies have up to 15 normal roles (uncle, sister, cousin... ). Multi-home stepfamilies have these 15 plus up to 15 more alien new roles and titles (step-aunt, half brother, custodial ex mate, stepcousin...); and...

        Difference 11)  Typical stepfamilies have more people and relationships: multi-generational stepfamilies form from the merger from three or more or more biofamilies. They often have 80-100+ members. Perspective: 80 members have [(80 x 69) / 2] = 2,760 possible relationships! Typical stepparents have many more family members to meet, with whom they usually have no common history, memories, ancestors, customs, names, or shared experiences. 

        12)  Stepfamily identity and membership are often confusing. Definitions of "Who belongs in our stepfamily?" often conflict between members and related homes. This is much less common for traditional intact bioparents, kids, and relatives.

        13)  There are many alien family and co-parenting adjustment tasks. Typical stepfamily co-parents (bioparents and stepparents) have up to 12 long-term projects, the first seven of which are best done before deciding whether to exchange commitment vows. Never-married courting couples have only five of these courtship projects, and nine of the 12 tasks - and they involve far fewer people.

        14)  Stepfamily finances are usually much more complex because of conflicts over (a) child-support amounts, regularity, allocation, and 'fairness;'" (b) asset titles; (c) earning, spending, and saving values and traditions; (d) insurance coverages; (e) prenuptial agreements; and (f) inheritances;

        15) Typical new steppeople have experienced [ divorce and/or death + re/marriage + cohabiting ] within the past five to seven years. Each causes major losses (broken emotional/spiritual bonds) for all kids and adults involved. Intact biofamilies experience losses too, but often not as many, frequent, or  impactful. Stepfamily co-parents have a higher need to be aware of their merging grief traditions, values, and policies, and grieving status (blocked, progressing, or "finished") - among more adults and kids than typical intact bioparents.

        16) Less and different love: relatives of stepfamily mates usually don't initially, or sometimes ever, bond with and love each other the way biorelatives often do. Stepparents, stepkids, and stepsiblings don't usually grow or feel the same kind of love, loyalty, and bonds that healthy biopeople feel. There are surely exceptions to this.

        Difference 17)  Higher chance for cultural and/or religious diversity and conflict: U.S. stepfamily mates are more likely to have differing faiths and ethnic backgrounds than first-marriage partners. This can promote (a) rich mutual appreciation and new experiences; to (b) inter-home hostility, exclusions, rejections, and cross-generational loyalty conflicts and divisive relationship triangles.

        18)  Weaker household and family bonding, loyalty, and extended-family cohesion; Bonding (emotional caring and concern) among stepfamily members is usually weaker than typical biofamily loyalties and ties. That can yield less emotional support and security to stepparents and stepkids;

        19)  Typical full-time (custodial) or part-time stepparents experience more household confusion because of child visitations and residence and/or child-custody changes. Average co-parenting homes with minor kids have two "states:" (a) kids here, and (b) kids away (visiting). If both stepfamily mates have biokids, they can have many different "states" (his kids are visiting, hers are home, etc.); Also...

        20)  New co-parent partners share little or no common family history, memories, mementos, rituals, and daily and special traditions. These may clash between the three or more or more  merging bio-family households and families, creating webs of stressful loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles for co-parents, kids, and relatives;

        21)  Whose home is this - mine, yours, or ours? Stepparents and any custodial kids of theirs may feel like invaders or invaded, depending on who's home they're living in. The least-stress option is usually a new home for everyone, if committed co-parents can afford that.

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        How are you doing with all these role-environment differences? We're about half done! Beside (a) societal and (b) family environmental differences, men and women accepting a stepparent role also experience...

Differences in co-parental-relationship environments

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Updated 05 October, 2008