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The Web address of this two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/10/co-p-dfrnces.htm

Continued...

C) Different Co-parent-relationship Environments Between Stepparent and Bioparent Roles

        22) There are more co-parents to coordinate and harmonize: typical nuclear stepfamilies usually have three or more caregivers, vs. two in an intact biofamily. Implication: more role (responsibility) confusion and conflict for stepparents and mates (see 9 above);

        23) In my 28-year clinical experience, the incidence of significant adult psychological wounding seems higher in typical divorcing families and stepfamilies than in intact biofamilies. This implies higher odds of innerpersonal and interpersonal conflict and lower nurturance levels among members of their several related homes.

        24) A stepparent is never their mate's first marital or parenting partner, which may reduce feeling special at vulnerable times. Each stepchild, ex-mate’s relatives, and many household items are constant reminders of this;

        25) Stepfamily co-parents are often seven to 15+ years older at initial cohabitation than first-time bioparents, so they may have different priorities and attitudes on child conception, work, money, spirituality, etc. than younger caregivers;

        26) Unrealistic role and relationship expectations: unawareness of up to 60 structural and merger-task differences between stepfamilies and intact biofamilies can cause co-parents (and others) to expect their stepfamily roles, relationships, and life to feel pretty much like traditional bioparenting.

        When reality inexorably  proves that wrong, co-parents and kids usually all feel confused and insecure until they grieve lost dreams ("You and my kids will love each other!"), and adjust. This usually takes four or more years after re/wedding (vs. after cohabiting);

        Difference 27) Low initial parenting-role confidence. If a stepmom or stepdad is childless or has never parented a boy / girl / teen / twins / special-needs child, it's likely that s/he + their stepkids and  their bioparents, biorelatives, and/or any involved professionals, can initially distrust and discount the stepparent's caregiving competence.

        Even if stepparents have kids of their own, (a) stepkids have many alien adjustment needs, and (b) the stepparent's new caregiving role is still alien and often confusing. That's true for stepkids too!

        28) More parenting "competition" - one or both of a stepchild's bioparents can disapprove of a stepparents' values and choices, or may compete with them for "best" parent, and vice versa. Stepkids may instinctively turn this to their advantage for security or excitement.

        29) More complex child "ownership:" yours, mine, and maybe ours, vs. "all ours" in biofamilies. This usually requires all co-parents to evolve strategies to avoid or resolve webs of stressful loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles. Relatively few counselors, case workers, and mediators are trained to help effectively with these.  

        30) Lower child-behavior tolerances: Often, stepparents see their mate and/or their mate's ex as being too permissive or too strict with a stepchild. Stepmoms and stepdads may get irritated faster at their mate's kids than their own (if any), specially if their stepfamily is using biofamily expectations.

        31) Greater initial role motivation: previously-divorced co-parents can vow never to subject their (or others') kids to family trauma and divorce again. Spurred by social unawareness and tradition, new stepparents can try too hard to be perfect caregivers or rescuers for needy or floundering stepkids;

        32) Higher odds of major bioparent guilt: divorced bioparents can feel compelled to "make it up" to their kids because of unreleased guilt over their kids' family losses and pain. Non-custodial bioparents can try to create a local Disneyland during visitations, because of this. Stepparents can grow to resent feeling second-best to their visiting stepkids too often, and their mate not wanting to reduce their discomfort. Stepparents who aren't clear on their identity, personal rights, and boundaries can feel guilty and/or torn for feeling resentful.

        Difference 33) Stepfamily co-parents often experience more complex child-conception decisions: many more people, family roles, and relationships are affected. And...

        34) Stepfamily co-parents often have more legal restrictions (e.g. divorce-settlement decrees and parenting agreements.and battles: court fights over child custody, support, and visitation are possible for years. Traditional bioparents don't encounter these and what they cause.

        Besides social, family, and co-parenting environmental differences, typical stepmoms and stepdads also experience many...

D)  Adult-Child Relationship Differences Between Stepparent and Bioparent Roles

        35) Multi-home nuclear stepfamilies typically have more kids than intact biofamilies, so stepparents and mates are "stretched thinner" and often have less time alone together. Also, the number of kids in a step-home varies with visitations, decreasing household stability and requiring more flexibility and complex scheduling efforts.

        36) Lower (or no) mutual acceptance and tolerances: stepkids and parents may or may not like each other at first, or ever. Stepkids don't choose and may not want their stepparents and/or stepsibs. They also may be delighted with them!

        37) Stepparents may be more objective and detached about their stepchildren; Stepkids may confide in empathic stepparents before their bioparents. This may breed significant jealousies and competitions, or gratitude and bondings.

        Difference 38) Role unfamiliarity I: Stepparents encounter new, alien, concurrent co-parenting tasks like...

• disciplining someone else's child/ren "fairly;"

• guiding visitations and holidays;

• grieving many tangible and invisible losses;

• resolving stepsibling rivalry;

• adapting to stepchild and step-relative rejections,

• feeling ignored and/or "second best"; and...

• relating with their stepchild/ren's "other" bioparent.

        39)  Role unfamiliarity II: Stepparents and their co-parenting partners need to learn and grow competence at helping typical minor stepkids fill ~25 normal development needs, plus up to three groups of concurrent family-adjustment needs that kids in intact high-nurturance biofamilies don't have. There are few sources of reliable information on these needs for typical co-parents and supporters.

        40) Sexual environment: because stepparent and child (and stepsibs) usually didn't grow up together, the incest taboo in stepfamilies is weaker, and stepsiblings may feel sexual attraction that biosibs don't; Stepkids can feel confused and uncomfortable seeing a bioparent physically affectionate or sexual with a "strange" adult, specially if their other bioparent and/or a relative is upset about this.

        41)  Confusion over role titles and names: what shall step-adults and kids call each other? This varies by home, situation, and person. There are few social norms so far. Unlike biofamilies, each mate may have a same-name child (e.g. two Davids), and/or a stepparent and stepchild may have the same name, as can prior and new spouses. Stepparents and stepkids usually have different last names, unless the former legally adopts. Some re/married Moms have a different last name than their child/ren. Net result: initial and situational confusions that typical biofamily members don't experience.

        42) Full co-parenting responsibility, with less or little authority: it takes time for stepparents to earn the co-operation and respect of their stepkids; Stepchild obedience is often lower than in bio-homes, as stepkids test their power, securities, and who's in charge  of their home/s;

        Finally, typical stepparents can experience...

        43)  Different physical features: typical stepparents and stepkids usually don't resemble each other the way bioparents and kids do. This can range from no problem to significant situational discomfort - specially if one or more members needs to minimize or deny their stepfamily identity (family Project 3).

+  +  + 

So What ?

        Average stepfamily co-parents and intact-family bioparents aim for the same goals: to nurture, protect, and guide each dependent child in their care. The co-parenting environment in a typical multi-home stepfamily differs in over 40 concurrent ways from that in an intact biofamily. The individual differences may not be overly stressful. Collectively they can feel overwhelming - specially to wounded co-parents who haven't accepted their identity as a normal multi-home stepfamily.

        Re/marrying mates who know and accept these differences without excessive shame, anxiety, or guilt can evolve realistic co-parenting role and relationship expectations if they have the (a) motivation, (b) knowledge, and (c) communication skills to do so. These in turn promote more co-parenting harmony and effectiveness over time - i.e. high family nurturance, which their resident and visiting stepkids silently depend on them for.

        Notice how you feel now and where your thoughts go. Did you realize how different stepparenting environments could be compared to traditional bioparenting? Is there someone you want to show this summary to, and/or discuss it with? Options: browse...

• these co-parenting-basics articles

• common co-parenting questions and answers,

• 11 common causes of most stepfamily problems,

• solution-options for common co-parenting problems, and/or...

• the link-index for co-parent Project 10 (build a co-parenting team)

Note the related Project-10 guidebook that focuses on increasing harmony and cooperation among related stepparents and bioparents: Build a Co-parenting Team after Divorce and Remarriage (Xlibris Corp, 2002.)

Awarenesses...

 

 

 

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Updated 28 December, 2008