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What is Effective Stepparenting?

        To get the most from this page, first read these articles, and then these:

• basic stepfamily facts and implications

• typical minor stepkids' family-adjustment needs,

• how stepfamilies and typical intact biofamilies are alike and very different; and...

• how typical stepfamilies develop, compared to intact biofamilies.

        Option - for perspective, review this slide presentation on effective stepparenting

A stepparent is someone who accepts or endures part-time or full-time shared responsibility for nurturing their partner's minor or adult kids from a prior union. Stepparent and stepchild are roles, not people. "Dual-role" stepparents also care for their own prior and/or "ours" kids.

        The principles and long-term goals of effective co-parenting apply just as well to stepparents and foster and adoptive parents. And - typical stepdads and stepmoms face extra challenges and environ-mental conditions that can degrade their child-nurturing effectiveness despite their hearts, talents, and best intentions. Consider these factors:

        If a stepparent enters a stepchild's life after age six or so, the child's basic personality is set. Consistently effective stepparenting may not be able to offset existing wounds in their stepchild/ren - specially if other family adults are also wounded, and the stepfamily adults aren't able to sustain a high nurturance level.

        A realistic way to measure effective stepparenting is how well a child is able to fill their family-adjustment needs by the time they leave home, vs. the (ideal) traits above. Even then, a stepparent is only one of three or more main nurturers who are responsible for preparing kids for stable adult indepen-dence. Raising each stepchild is a team effort! For perspective and discussion, see this inventory to help decide which co-parent is responsible for what in your or another family. 

        Minor stepchildren have many family-adjustment needs that intact-biofamily kids don't have. Help-ing each boy and girl meet their mix of these needs takes special awareness, empathy, resilience, adult cooperation, and support; 

        Typical children of divorce - specially unplanned kids - have too little early-childhood nurturance from their wounded, unaware caregivers. This means that typical stepparents are faced with wounded partners, ex-mates, stepkids, and relatives, which combine to make effective co-parenting teamwork hard or impossible. This is one reason making informed, well-timed, courtship choices (Project 7) is so vital!

        Though the basic caregiving goals of bioparents and stepparents are usually similar, the domestic, family, and social environments around stepparents differ in up to 40 ways from traditional bioparenting environments. Unless stepfamily adults and supporters are prepared for this and the other major differences between stepfamilies and biofamilies, adults and kids will experience major confusion, doubt, conflict, frustration, and hurt, as stepparents try to learn and "do" their alien family roles "well enough."

        Among the 40 differences, three are specially noteworthy: typical bioparents, stepparents, kids, and relatives are stressed for years by interactive values and loyalty conflicts, and associated relationship triangles. Intact biofamilies have these too, but they're usually much simpler (fewer people and conflicts), and much less frequent. Implication: effective stepparents (a) evolve viable strategies to avoid and/or resolve each of these three stressors with their other co-parents, and (b) teach their kids and supporters how to do the same.

        Reality check: can each of the co-parents in your family describe each of these three role and relationship stressors, and how to resolve them? If not, are they motivated to learn this now?

        More factors that affect effective stepparenting:

        There is substantially less practical, informed social and media support available for typical stepparents than for bioparents. This means typical stepmoms and stepdads can feel isolated, confused, and discouraged - specially if (a) they have unrealistic role expectations, and (b) their mate and other family adults reject or ignore their stepfamily's identity and what it means.

        Even if they were raised in a stepfamily, typical bioparents without stepkids have a hard time empa-thizing with what it feels like to be a stepparent - specially if their new partner has little or no prior paren-ting experience; and...

        Unless their stepkids' "other parent" died, stepparents attempts to nurture stepkids can be hindered (or helped) by their mate's ex spouse and "ex in-laws;" and...

        Providing effective discipline for minor stepkids is significantly more complex than doing that in intact biofamilies.

        Each stepfamily has unique factors that reduce or increase the contribution of a stepparent to each stepchild's development toward successful independence. Premise: despite factors like those above, an effective stepfather or stepmother...

• makes significant contributions to each biochild's and stepchild's long-term healing, adjustment, and growth. Their contributions are ultimately measured by how well each child fills her or his unique set of family-adjustment (vs. developmental) needs when s/he leaves home, not by how well the stepchild "turns out." The degree of his or her long-term nurturing contribution depends partly on the age of each stepchild when the stepparent joins their family; and effective stepparents...

• fully accepts that s/he is not solely or chiefly responsible for any stepchild's welfare and wholistic health, unless both bioparents are dead and the stepparent retains custody of a stepchild. This is uncommon. And they...

• promote significant nurturance teamwork and harmony with other stepfamily adults, vs. conflicts, wounds, and/or barriers; and they...

• steadily nurture themselves and their primary relationship across the years, in that order; without losing their personal integrity, boundaries, or identity; and...

• effective stepparents (a) enjoy the challenges and benefits of being in a stepfamily, (b) are proud of their stepfamily members and relationships, and their achievements; and (c) have no major regrets about accepting their challenging role of stepparent.

        If you're considering - or have accepted - the role of stepmother or stepfather, how do you feel about this multi-part definition? If you're not a stepparent, see if the above makes sense to you, and then see how any stepparents in your life feel about it. Do this in the larger context of "What is effective co-paren-ting?" and "What is a high-nurturance family?"

        If you're wondering "What kind of a person is likely to be an effective stepparent?", meditate on and discuss this.
 

Recap

        All families exist to fill the needs of their members and their local society. To nurture is to intentionally fill needs. Minor kids depend on their family adults to know how to help them fill their set of concurrent developmental and major family-adjustment needs, while steadily filling their own local and long-term needs. Depending on many factors, some women and men are more effective at doing these two complex things over the years than others.

        This article is part of a series on co-parent Project 10 - form an effective co-parenting team, merge your biofamilies (Project 9), and build a high-nurturance (step)family together over many years. From 29 years' professional research and seven decades of life experience, this article offers perspective and opinions on (a) what is effective co-parenting?" and (b) what is effective stepparenting?" It is based on this proposal of what typical minor children of parental divorce or death - and re/marriage - need.

        The article proposes definitions of effective (a) co-parenting, and (b) stepparen-ting, and (c) proposes key outcomes of effective co-parenting: key traits of Grown Nurtured Children (GNCs).

        The traits of typical GNCs contrast sharply with common traits of Grown Wounded Children (GWCs), who do not get enough of their primary psychological and spiritual needs met in their early years.

        Recall why you read this article. Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Note the Project-10 guidebook, which integrates these articles and worksheets. 

Resource - try this free parenting competency inventory (on another Web site).

Project-10 article index

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Updated August 25, 2008