The Web address of this page is
http://sfhelp.org/10/kid_guilt.htm
Continued from p. 1
(reduce kids' shame)
The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/10/kid_shame.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so
please turn off your browser's popup
blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
family relationships and
preventing divorce. This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the
more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
What's the Problem?
Guilt
is the normal automatic mental-emotional reaction to feeling like we've
broken someone's "rule" - a should (not), must (not), ought to, have to,
cannot, etc. Moderate guilt
helps us to regulate our personal and social behaviors. Guilt
promotes the companion attitude and feeling of shame - the belief
that "I am a worthless, bad, unlovable person." A widespread early-childhood
rule is "Kids who break adult rules are wrong and bad."
A
high percentage of adults in typical U.S. divorcing families and stepfamilies
seem to come from
childhoods. One result is that they often suffer
excessive shame and
guilt and up to four other
Unless such adults
intentionally learn about these wounds and how to reduce them to normal
they often unconsciously
pass these crippling reflexes on to their kids.
Typical wounded parents unintentionally recreate low-nurturance families - which promotes
their kids feeling excessive shame and guilts. Parental separation and
divorce usually amplifies those feelings in adults and kids. So does
parental cohabiting and re/marriage.
Bottom line - if you are a member of a troubled
or divorced biofamily and/or a multi-home stepfamily, (a)
some or all of your
minor or adult kids are probably suffering from excessive shame and guilt -
and (b) they probably don't know that, or how to reduce it.
The first half of this article
offers perspective on helping kids convert excessive shame into healthy
self-respect and self-love. This article focuses on ways informed co-parents can help their
youngsters (a) learn about guilt, (b) reduce excessive guilts to normal
levels, and (c) manage new guilts effectively.
This article builds on
this three-page Project-1 article on
excessive guilts as one of six common "false-self" psychological wounds.
What follows assumes you have read
that article and the prior page.
This
article covers...
-
How to tell if a child has excessive
guilts,
-
Options for helping such kids reduce
excessive guilts to normal, and...
-
Ideas on helping kids learn to manage their
guilts in general.
Signs That a
Child Feels Excessive Guilt
You
know when a child has the flu, nightmare, or a stomach ache. There is no
clear way to know when a child has excessive shame and guilts, but
these are common clues:
-
saying "I'm sorry" frequently, and/or for
things that merit no apology, like bumping into a table;
-
avoiding direct eye contact to an unusual
degree;
-
notably avoiding social interaction with
certain people. This can also be a symptom of other things like not
feeling safe with them;
-
unusual emotional reactivity (e.g. bursting
into tears, or running away) in certain situations, like adult or peer
criticisms or remembering a past mistake;
-
often making self-demeaning comments like "I
always mess up;" "(Someone) doesn't like me," "I'm too slow / dumb /
ugly / weird / tall / fat / short / skinny / boring..." etc.
-
perceiving that other people are "laughing
at me" when they're not;
-
feeling "bad" about making mistakes that
haven't happened yet;
-
notable reluctance to try new things; and/or
expecting to fail at them;
-
excessive pessimism about or concern with
body image, clothing, appearance, and/or grooming;
-
bullying, scorning, and/or over-teasing
younger kids; and/or over-focusing on other kids' mistakes or
limitations
-
(add your own symptoms)
In
general, if you sense a child has
"low self esteem" (significant shame), it's very likely s/he also
feels excessively guilty about making some "mistakes"
(breaking rules) and/or having certain traits. It's safe to assume that any child needs informed, empathic
training and guidance on managing shame and guilt. Did anyone ever give you
those?
If
you decide that a child probably or surely struggles with significant guilts,
what can you do?
Options for Helping Kids
Reduce Excessive Guilts
Common sources of childhood guilt are (a) how kids see their caregivers
react to their own (adult) mistakes, (b) how parents react to the child's
mistakes (respectfully or not); and (c) a child's personality subselves -
his or her
(Right / Wrong
rule-keeper), and their
The first two of these can be called a
family "guilt policy." An initial option toward helping you all manage your
guilts is to clarify what your personal and family guilt policies have been,
and are now. How do you do that?
About "Guilt Policies"
A
policy is a set of values, attitudes, and beliefs about something that
guides decisions and behavior. Let's
define a "healthy guilt policy" as a set of learned mental
beliefs, rules, and values
like these:
-
I'm
OK (vs. "bad") if I feel guilty. Guilt is a normal, healthy
reaction to feeling I've done something wrong (broken someone's rules).
-
I have the right to express my guilty
thoughts and feelings to others, without apology or expecting them to
"fix" me.
-
I have the right to get clear on what rules
I feel I've broken, and who made the rules.
-
If I'm not clear on what our relationship or
family rules are, I have the right to ask for clarification.
-
If I don't like or agree with the rules, I
have the right to negotiate rules that feel more reasonable
to me.
-
It's better to express my emotions and
assert my needs honestly as I feel them, rather then hint, expect others
to mind-read, repress them, numb out, or procrastinate.
-
It's good to stay aware that guilt and shame
feel the same, but are caused and reduced differently.
How do these sample rules compare
to your personal guilt policy? To the policy in your home?
Option - discuss this concept with your other stepfamily adults, and
clarify what your personal and household guilt policies are. They have been silently
shaping the guilt policies of each minor child among you. Work toward
evolving and living by a shared "healthy guilt policy" as a fundamental way
of helping all of you manage your guilts.
Stay aware that "no policy"
is a policy...
The
fundamental point here is that the unspoken rules about guilt that you
adults model and teach will strongly influence your kids' success at using
their guilts constructively or not. If your family guilt policy promotes
unwarranted or excessive guilt, it's unlikely you can help your kids make
lasting changes.
Consider that most kids - specially young ones - don't have the concepts or
language to discuss their guilts or negotiate the rules that cause them.
That implies that to minimize the risk of toxic guilts and shame, you co-parents
must pay patient, conscious attention to what your behaviors are teaching
your kids about shame, self-esteem, pride, and guilt. Did your caregivers do
this for you?
Teach Your Kids Healthy-guilt Basics
Because stepfamilies (and life in America) are complex, it can help you all
to keep your daily balance here if you
keep your perspective. Helping the young people in your
stepfamily manage their guilts is an important
part of these larger ongoing stepfamily-building goals:
-
all you co-parents honestly
for false-self
and commit to helping each other reduce any wounds you find (Project 1).
This includes developing a healthy personal
-
help each other learn and apply
effective-communication basics and skills
-
accept your stepfamily identity and what it
(Projects
3 and 4)
-
all co-parents learn healthy-grief basics,
check for and reduce any
and evolve a pro-grief family (Project 5);
-
adopt a long-term outlook, evolve and use a
stepfamily mission statement (Project 6), and use it to guide you as you
merge your several co-parents' biofamilies (Project 9);
-
work
patiently to reduce
to working cooperatively toward the common long-term goal of evolving a
stable, high-nurturance multi-home
(Project 10)
-
keep your re/marriage/s second only to
personal wholistic health and recovery, and intentionally nurture your
primary relationships while doing all these things (Project 8);
-
over all, help each other
to (a) stay balanced (Project 12), and to (b) work
patiently toward breaking the [wounds + ignorance]
in your stepfamily.
Notice your reaction to this summary of requisite stepfamily-building
projects. It's a lot, isn't it? The point here is to stay aware that
helping your kids learn to manage their shame and guilts is one of these
many concurrent larger goals, and to pace and affirm yourselves as you
progress.
Teach Your Kids Three Basics
An
initial question your co-parents must answer here is "Who is responsible for
teaching our kids the best way/s to manage their guilts?"
If you're not sure or can't agree
yet, you adults have more work to do on defining your co-parenting
(responsibilities) and reducing some
to co-parenting teamwork.
To
help your kids manage their guilts effectively, they need you to teach them
basic ideas about (a) their rights as a
unique, worthwhile person, (b) normal personalities and subselves, and (c)
healthy-guilt basics. To do so, you adults must have studied these and
formed your own answers. Have you? Each child's age, personality, and
history will affect when and how you co-parents teach these core subjects.
When
your kids have learned the first two of these topics, they'll be able to answer
questions like these well enough:
-
what is a personality?
-
what are personality parts or
subselves?
-
what is a team and a leader?
-
who are the subselves that make up your
personality team?; and...
-
which subselves are your leaders?
To
teach the third topic, you adults need to study and tailor these fundamental
ideas
and premises to fit you all. Then you need to agree how and when to model and teach your guilt-principles
(i.e. your guilt policy) to your kids, over time. A useful way to gauge your
progress is to have each child who is old enough, answer questions like
these:
-
what is guilt, and where does it come from?
-
what are shame and pride,
and where do they come from?
-
is guilt bad or helpful?
-
what is a "family rule," and who makes the
rules that you live by?
-
why do adults need to make family rules?
-
what does "breaking a rule" mean?
-
what is a "consequence"? - or "what happens
when you break a family rule?"
-
what is a family role, or job?
Who should usually decide the rules for each job in our family?
-
name five rules in our home that we need you
to obey;
-
name several rules in our home you would
like to change;
-
if you don't like a family
rule, what can you do?
Do these questions seem alien?
If so, that probably indicates that
the [wounds + ignorance]
is affecting your home and family! Many low-nurturance families have
an inherited silent rule that says "We don't discuss things like this."
As
your kids progress on learning these three topics, you can...
Help Your Kids Identify and Update Their
Personal Rules
As
with reducing kids' (and adults') excessive shame, there are two goals here:
(a) coach the child's Inner Critic and Perfectionist on how to do their jobs
empathically and respectfully, vs. scornfully; and (b) help the
child's subselves update or validate the key rules that are causing
excessive guilt. Adapt these
options to help you do this, over time. As you learn how to do this,
consider these options:
Show
your
child, as
well as tell him or her, that (a) it's normal and OK to feel moderate guilt,
and (b) it's good to talk openly about their guilts and examine
their rules! Talking honestly about
your guilty feelings and thoughts is probably
more effective than lecturing, eh?
Consider making guilt-reduction into a family game, or even a household
or family contest, with awards, prizes, and non-shaming
"penalties." Consider having a periodic "guilt festival"
or "guilt treasure hunt." The win-win, non-competitive board game
The
Ungame provides a way of experiencing how this alien activity might feel
among your adults and kids.
Patiently help your kids (and all of you) understand that often, the
reason adults and kids "break rules" is because they are controlled by
well-meaning, narrow-sighted, impulsive subselves (a "false self") who are
focused on short-term pleasure, comfort, and security.
People who break rules are usually
wounded not bad
and/or the rules are invalid or outdated!
If
you are a divorced biofamily or a stepfamily, some special rules for all of
you to become aware of have to do with
and
conflicts and
relationship
See this article
for realistic family rules that can help you all manage these stressors
without undue shame and guilts.
Reality Check
See where you stand with the ideas you've just read, relative to your
situation. T = "True," F = "False," and ? = "I don't
know," or "It depends on (what?)."
I can clearly
describe (a) what
is, and
(b) how it differs from shame. (T F ?)
I feel clear on what
relationship
are now, and why
all people evolve them.
(T F ?).
I believe that
moderate guilt is a normal, useful reaction that signals
something needs to change in me and/or another person. (T F
?)
I know that typical
stepfamilies differ from intact biofamilies in
many ways, so traditional rules
about bioparent-biochild relationships may not apply to our stepfamily.
(T F ?)
I
feel
that one or more kids in our home or family feels too much guilt too often now. (T
F ?)
All adults
(including me) are responsible for (a) identifying the
main rules that govern their roles and relationships, (b) assessing
where and when they got each rule, and (c) deciding if they need to
create a new rule to better fit their personality, knowledge, and living
situation. (T F ?)
I
know
how to change outdated or inapplicable old moral and relationship rules to
more effective rules now. (T F ?)
I (a) accept that if I have trouble discerning and updating the
rules that cause me excessive guilt about my family role or
behaviors, I should assess whether a
rules my
personality; and (b) I know why and (c)
to do that now.
(T F ?)
I believe that (a) we have an unspoken household and/or family
"policy" about feeling, expressing, and managing guilts; and that
(b) it benefits all our adults and kids to discuss our policy and keep it
current and realistic together. (T F ?)
I know how and when
to apply these wise
to
our family roles and relationships (and others). (T F ?)
My partner and his or her ex mate
would each answer "True" to each item above now.
(T F ?)
I'm motivated to show this article to all our stepfamily adults and teens and discuss how
it applies to us now. (T F ?)
My
true Self is
to these items
now. (T F ?)
What did you just learn?
Recap
In the larger context of concurrent
stepfamily-building tasks, this
two-page article offers perspective and options for co-parents to help their
kids to reduce excessive shame, and learn how to manage their guilts.
These emotions feel similar, but are caused and managed differently. To help
their kids with these, co-parents
need to first want to learn about recovery from false-self wounds, and then
commit to work on reducing their own.
offers co-parents practical options and resources for doing this, over time.
The first half of the article suggests two ways to gradually replace
shame-based (wounded) kid's low self esteem with healthy self-love and
respect (vs. egotism). The first way is for adults to take responsibility
for identifying and changing any shaming aspects of their personalities and
behaviors with their kids. The second way is to (a) educate their kids on
shame, pride, and personality subselves, and then (b) work respectfully to
replace their
(rule keeper),
and
subselves' outdated toxic beliefs about personal worth and lovability with
more realistic, nourishing beliefs. Adults growing and modeling genuine
self-love and respect increases their odds for long-term success with their
kids.
Guilt is the normal automatic human reaction to feeling we have
broken someone's important rule/s - and laws - shoulds, oughts, have-to's,
musts, and cannots. Moderate guilt helps us regulate our social behaviors.
Excessive guilt promotes
shame and relationship and physical-health problems. Typical
kids of parental divorce and re/marriage have many reasons to feel
significantly guilty. Often, these reasons stem from adult ignorance and wounds, and are
inappropriate.
The second part of this article builds on these
foundation concepts about guilt, and suggests two steps to help
kids learn how to manage their guilts effectively. The first step is for
family adults to honestly examine their personal and family "guilt policies"
(rules about guilt), and adjust them toward more healthy attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors.
The second step is to (a) educate kids (in age-appropriate ways) on their
personality subselves. Then (b) methodically work with the Moralizer, Inner Critic,
Perfectionist, and
subselves to identify and correct outdated rules that are causing
unwarranted or excessive guilts. Succeeding at this requires co-parents to
be consistently
by their
|
The related Solutions articles on reducing excessive guilt in
ex mates and
stepparents and stepkids can deepen
your awareness, and expand your options and serenity. Your inner and
physical kids depend on you to do so! |
Pause and reflect. Why did you start to read this article? Did you get what
you needed? If so, what do you need to do with these ideas? If not, try
what you need now...
+ + +
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