Project 10 of 12 toward evolving high-nurturance relationships

Index of Project 10 Articles

Help each other nurture
your kids and each other

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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/10/links10.htm

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         This is one of over 150 articles focused on building high-nurturance family relationships and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.

        These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the three or more related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily. 

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

Perspective: this site proposes that to overcome five common stepfamily hazards, bioparents and stepparents need to work at 12 Projects together - ideally starting in courtship.

 PROJECT 10 (ongoing): Is one of five post-re/marriage Projects. All three or more co-parents...

  • assess your minor kids' developmental and family-adjustment needs, and...

  • evolve an effective co-parenting team to help fill their needs and your own over time. Ideally, this continues Reduce or avoid conflict among ex mates and/or stepparents.your courtship work on Project 6.

 The guidebook for Project 10 is Build a Co-parenting Team after Divorce and/or Re/marriage. It focuses on resolving common problems between ex mates and stepparents, integrates all the key Web articles and worksheets below, and builds on the prior guidebooks in the Break the Cycle! series for co-parents, ex mates, supporters, and professionals.

Why Project 10? Because on top of their normal developmental tasks, typical minor stepkids have well over 30 overlapping family-adjustment needs to fill that peers in healthy intact biofamilies don't have. Most co-parents (and many professionals) can't name these needs, and have little training or experience at helping kids fill them.

        Also, unhealed stressors between divorced bioparents and the parents' own concurrent adjustment tasks usually inhibit helping their kids' fill their needs. This can overwhelm kids and new stepparents, specially childless ones. Project 10 works best if co-parents have begun evolving meaningful mission statement, and drafting co-parenting responsibilities (job descriptions) for helping to fill each child's unique needs during courtship.

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Article # and title:

Co-Parenting Basics

 Review:

 10-1)  Project 10 overview

Review:  Traits of high-nurturance families

Review:  Perspective on Dr. Erik Erikson's 8 stages of human development

ReviewFour sets of ingredients for a nurturing, satisfying relationship

Review:  What Is a family mission statement, and why make one?

Review: ~30 merger-adjustment tasks typical stepfamily co-parents must master (two pages)

10-2)  What's an effective co-parent? (two pages)

10-3)  An attitude inventory for co-parents

10-4)  Common primary stepfamily problems, and their  surface symptoms 

10-5)  Checklist: - Basic long-term co-parenting goals

10-6)  Checklist: - Personality traits of effective parents

10-7)  40 ways stepfamily co-parents' environments are unique (two pages)

10-8) Worksheet - our current co-parenting values

Review: A sample Bill of Personal Rights

10-9)  Sample affirmations for co-parents

10-10)  Premises about solving relationship problems - (two pages)

10-11)  Perspective on, and options for, helping kids convert shame into self-love and respect, and manage their guilts effectively  - (two pages)  

10-12)  Suggestions for co-parents managing stepfamily changes effectively - (two pages)


Family Roles and Relationships

Review: basics about family roles and rules

 10-13) Core team-building barriers (diagram + links) 

Q & A and articles about mates and re/marriage (Project 8)

Q & A and articles about ex-mate relationships

Q & A about stepparents and stepkids, and related articles

Q & A and articles about relatives and in-laws

Q & A and articles stepsiblings

 Co-parenting Stepchildren

About the Kids

10-14)  A summary of typical children's developmental needs

10-15) Four concurrent sets of needs typical stepkids need help with

10-16)  How to assess a stepchild's needs

10-17)  A memo from your stepchild  (five brief reprints)

10-18)  Stepparent-stepchild basics

10-19)  Effective co-parenting of stepteens

10-20)  Improve relations with adult stepkids

Effective Child Discipline

10-21)  Introduction: effective child discipline in stepfamilies

Review - Strategies for effective communication with minor kids

10-22)  General child-discipline guidelines

10-23)  Guidelines for effective stepfamily child-discipline

10-24)  Effective discipline with stepchildren (builds on 10-14, 15, & 16)

10-25)  Worksheet:- Discovering our child-discipline styles

Reduce Stepparent - Stepchild Problems

Review: Effective Stepparenting - a slide presentation

10-26)  Options for relating to a psychologically-wounded stepchild

10-27)  Asserting and maintaining effective boundaries with stepkids

10-28)  Understanding and adapting to stepchild disinterest

10-29)  Adapting to dislike from or of a stepchild

10-30)  Options for responding to a disrespectful stepchild

10-31)  Options for adapting to distrusting a stepchild

10-32)  Options for responding to stepchild hostility

10-33)  Options for understanding and reducing stepparent guilts

10-34)  About love between stepchild and stepparent

10-35)  Options for reacting to sexual attraction between a stepparent and stepchild

10-36)  Options for resolving stepparent - stepchild name and title conflicts

Common Co-parenting Issues

Review: identify and resolve co-parenting values and loyalty conflicts

Review: identify and resolve family relationship triangles

10-37)  Effective communications between mates and co-parents

10-38)  Make effective co-parent "job descriptions" based on your family mission statement

10-39 )  Worksheet: - Co-parenting responsibilities in our stepfamily, part 1 > part 2  >  part 3  > part 4

10-40)  Evolve successful child visitations

10-41)  Resolving child custody disputes

10-42)  Reduce conflicts over child support (money)

10-43)  Resolve disputes about holidays and family celebrations

10-44)  Pros and cons of conceiving an "ours" child

10-45)  Worksheet - are we ready to conceive or adopt a child?

10-46)  Reducing conflicts over a child changing primary homes

10-47)  Pros and cons of stepchild adoption

10-48)  Negotiate agreements when a custodial parent wants to move

10-49)  Reduce conflicts over religion and sexual preferences

10-50)  Reduce problems around a dead ex mate

10-51)  Perspective on evolving and maintaining effective legal parenting agreements

10-52)  Alternatives to legal orders of restraint and protection (two pages)

See also...

  • the link-index for co-parent Project 9  - merge and stabilize three or more biofamilies, and resolve many conflicts together over many years.

  • these questions co-parents should ask about stepfamily life (and answers).

  • the guidebook for Project 10: Build a Co-parenting Team after divorce and remarriage (Xlibris Corp., 2002). It builds on four related  guidebooks, and integrates most of the articles and the key worksheets above.

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Updated June 25, 2008