1	Effective Stepparenting a slide presentation by Peter Gerlach, MSW
2	Contents / Index
3	Five Common Stepfamily (Re/marital) Hazards
4	What is “Effective Stepparenting”?
5	Effective Stepparenting is a Challenge Because…
6	Prepare to be an Effective Stepparent – p. 1
7	Prepare to be an Effective Stepparent – p. 2
8	KEY – Make 3 Wise Commitment Decisions
9	Evolve Realistic Goals and Expectations – p. 1
10	Evolve Realistic Goals and Expectations – p. 2
11	Learn What Each Stepchild Needs
12	Identify and Fill Your Own Needs! Premises: (a) most wounded people are unaware of what they feel and need right now, and average stepfamily co-parents are significantly wounded. (b) Stepparents have normal primary needs as a person, and concurrent role-related needs as a nurturer and mate. Suggestions: Work to have your true Self guide your personality most of the time. One risk of not doing this is major self-neglect, frustration, and resentments. Evolve a meaningful Bill of Personal Rights, live by it, and encourage others to do the same Adopt a mutual-respect attitude with all other stepfamily members – including each child, regardless of their age (a) Learn the difference between surface needs and underlying primary needs, and (b) and steadily strive to identify and fill the latter Commit to learning to use these seven communication skills – including (a) self-awareness, (b) digging down to discern your primary (vs. surface) needs, and (c) respectfully asserting your needs without significant guilt Clarify and live by your life priorities, and encourage others to do the same. Steadily keep your wholistic health (and needs) first, your primary-relationship second, and everything else third – except in emergencies;
13	If You Have Kids of Your Own…
14	Negotiate a Meaningful “Job (Role) Description”
15	Resolve Common Stepparenting Problems – p. 1 of 8
16	Resolve Internal “Stepparenting” Problems – p. 2 Typical relationship “problems” are often three concurrent conflicts - among my dominant subselves + disputes among your subselves + clashes between your and my ruling subselves. Most people only focus on the latter, which makes effective win-win-win problem-solving hard or impossible.
17	Resolve Problems With Your Mate – p. 3 It usually feels safer to focus on problems with a stepchild, ex mate, and/or or relative than with your partner – yet many (most?) “stepchild problems” are primarily personal + mate-mate conflicts. Surface mate-mate problems over “stepkids and/or stepparenting” are usually some combination of conflicts over membership + family-identity + loyalty and values conflicts + associated “relationship triangles.” The underlying primary problems are usually symptoms of these five basic hazards, based on the unseen [wounds + ignorance] cycle. The scariest primary problem is that one or both mates made one or more unwise commitment choices – which usually cannot be undone or corrected. Trying to resolve the surface “stepchild” problems with your mate usually increases these concurrent re/marital and co-parenting barriers . This is specially likely when mates… are ruled by false selves, and … aren’t genuinely motivated to help each other… Empower their true Selves and reduce false-self wounds, and… learn and apply effective-communication, problem-solving, and grieving basics. Resolving most mate-mate problems requires you to…
18	Resolve Problems With Your Mate – p. 4 Patiently help each other to… Choose and maintain (a) mutual-respect (partnership) attitude and (b) long-term outlook – e.g. the next 20 years; separate internal and mate-mate problems (unmet needs), from barriers and conflicts with other family members; stay focused and work to resolve one stressor at a time; Agree on who’s responsible for filling each major primary need; and Clarify and agree on your real (vs. ideal) priorities. If you mates can’t agree to put… your personal wholistic health first, your relationship second, and… all else third (except in emergencies); then a false self probably dominates one or both of you. See Project 1. Identify what you, your mate, and your stepchild(ren) each need now, starting with putting your true Selves consistently in charge of your personalities (other subselves) use effective-communication and problem-solving basics and skills to fill all your primary needs well enough - if your true Selves are guiding your personalities!
19	Resolve Problems with Other Co-parents – p. 5
20	Resolve Problems With Stepkids – p. 6
21	If You Have Stepteens – p. 7 As you know, typical teens need special empathy and informed, patient adult guidance (and limits) to fill two specially-confusing developmental needs: Understanding and accepting their changing bodies, emotions, and emerging sexuality, and… Shifting from a dependent-child role to leaving home and living independently as a young adult. A related co-parent task is to… Let go of feeling responsible for controlling and guiding the child’s decisions and behaviors over time, within safe limits and with tolerable anxiety, doubt, guilt, and mourning. Helping all stepfamily members (including co-grandparents) master these needs successfully over several years is challenging because kids and adults also need to help each other identify and fill a mosaic of simultaneous adjustment needs from (a) prior divorce or death and (b) stepfamily formation. This complex family-system change (emerging adolescence) requires significant shifts in household and family child-discipline rules and consequences. Making and stabilizing these shifts requires adults and kids to communicate effectively. Because of the emotional volatility and stress of these complex needs and the changes they force, significant problems and co-parent confusion over child and adult responsibilities (roles) are specially likely during this normal stepfamily-development phase.
22	If Your Stepkids are Adults - p. 8 of 8
23	Find Informed Support – and Use it!
24	Recap: Effective Stepparenting – p. 1
25	Recap: Effective Stepparenting – p. 2
26	Selected Stepparenting Resources How to discern practical stepfamily advice How to choose useful stepfamily books, articles, and programs Stepfamily basics Five widespread stepfamily hazards, and 12 protections Practical stepfamily guidebooks, based on this Web site A real-life example of the hazards in action Selected stepparenting and stepfamily resources How to choose or start an effective co-parenting support group Premises on healthy relationships and relationship problem-solving The difference between surface needs and primary needs How to make three wise mate-choices Summaries of typical kids’ developmental and family-adjustment needs Articles on effective co-parenting (stepparenting and bioparenting) Basic perspective on stepparent – stepchild roles and relationships Effective communication and (step)child-discipline basics Q&A about stepparenting and stepchildren Articles about resolving common problems with other family co-parents Articles about resolving common problems with typical stepkids and stepsibs A menu of solution-options to common stepfamily role and relationship problems