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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
family relationships and
preventing divorce. This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the
more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
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This article suggests how to choose practical (useful) printed and
electronic materials about
remarriage and stepfamily co-parenting. The article exists because
few readers know what they need to know, and can't choose wisely
among many competing self-help titles on these subjects.
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Roughly one of every five American families is a legal or
psychological stepfamily. Many stepfamily authors suggest that
over half of them will eventually
psychologically or
legally, though no Census data supports this.
After
29 years'
full-time professional research on stepfamily dynamics, I conclude that
one of five universal stepfamily
is a lack of
in co-parents
and their lay and professional suppor-ters, including the media. They all
need factual, specific information and advice on to manage their com-plex
stepfamily challenges successfully.
My professional research has included reading over 40 stepfamily-related
books since 1981 (and well over 100 lay and clinical articles) in detail.
This article summarizes what I've learned about which books are helpful, and
which aren't. Publishing
six of my own books on stepfamily topics
significantly shapes what follows.
Some typical courting and re/married co-parents don't admit that they're a
stepfamily, so they don't seek self-help books until they experience major
trouble. Other courting co-parents accept their
and do seek
self-help books before committing to stepfamily life. Still other co-parents
acknow-ledge their "step-hood," but (often wrongly) assume "our love will
conquer all, so we don't need to read about stepfamilies."
U.S. publishers' have offered over 50 self-help books on aspects of
stepfamily life appearing since the late 1970s, suggesting a high national
need for stepfamily awareness and guidance. Most have been written by
veteran co-parents and family-life professionals. Few are reprinted,
suggesting low demand and/or relevance.
I began studying stepfamilies professionally in 1979, and have read over 40
of these books in detail since then. I have also learned from over
17,000 hours of direct contact with well over 1,000 typical Midwestern-US
co-parents in classes, seminars, warm-line calls, Internet questions, and my
therapy practice since then. I have also lived in two stepfamilies, as
a stepgrandson, adult stepson, stepbrother, and stepfather of two girls.
What's The Problem?
In my professional judgment, to form and enjoy a high-nurturance family,
typical co-parents (inclu-ding ex
mates and relatives) need to be fully aware of (a) all
these topics and (b) how they
pertain to their unique personalities situation. My experience suggests that
over 85% of typical novice and veteran American co-parents fall well short
of this - and don't know it.
This is
specially true of average
parents.
Because they don't know what they need to know, typical adults are unable to
discern practical stepfamily books from those that are anecdotal,
misinform-ed, superficial, and/or impractical.
Three more components of the problem...
there are scores of new and
used books on re/marriage, stepfamilies, and stepparenting to choose
from, all claiming to provide what the reader needs. And...
the scope of knowledge that
co-parents need is usually far broader than what typical authors cover,
for practical and economic reasons. Result: most books in this genre are
too brief, and limited in scope. In my experience, few authors,
publishers, or reviewers acknow-ledge this. And...
typical lay and professional
book reviewers don't know
what the books should cover (below), so they give many stepfamily
books glowing reviews without really knowing how to judge them
critically. This unintentionally misleads readers, and promotes our
tragic national epi-demic of family-related ignorance, neglect, and
divorce.
Who Buys Stepfamily Books - and Why?
See
if you see yourself here: People who buy stepfamily self-help books are...
-
prospective, novice, and stressed
stepmothers, with or
without (a) kids of their own, and (b) college or graduate education;
-
supporters of stepmothers and stepfathers, like relatives
and close friends;
-
(some)
stepfathers and re/married
biofathers who are in
and fear re/divorce;
-
human-service professionals seeking better service for their
and stepfamily patients, cases, and clients. And less often,
book-buyers are...
-
non-stepfamily readers, like librarians, students, instructors,
social researchers, and media professionals with a variety of needs.
Most
non-professional readers want to get...
-
validation that they are like other co-parents, and are not
"crazy" or "weird;"
-
to better
understand (a) their
stepfamily confusion and chaos and (b) their options;
-
practical
advice from knowledgeable
veterans on how to (a) co-parent effectively, and (b) identify and
manage specific stepfamily dilemmas well;
-
relevant
resources (organizations,
support groups, classes, Web sites, other books);
-
hope
that they can improve their situation.
And overall, typical self-help
book-buyers need...
-
a
stimulating reading experience, vs. slogging through some dry,
over-detailed textbook. This mix partly explains the sales appeal
of autobiographical books, often by "successful" veteran step-moms.
Can
you think of other reasons people would buy stepfamily-related books?
Typical
seek practical answers to reduce current major problem/s in or between their
co-parenting homes. They also need validation and understanding.
A
subset of typical readers seek authors who hilight Christian and Biblical
principles and references in their text. Conversely,
opinionated non-believers may quickly
reject such books without trying to separ-ate faith-based ideas from other
relevant advice.
My
experience suggests that a small minority of typical book-buyers are looking
to (a) raise their
(b) admit and recover from childhood
and resulting
psychological
(c) improve their
relationship,
and
skills; and (d)
clarify what
is, and how to
in their family members.
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The tragic paradox is - these topics are what the majority of
co-parents most need to avoid or resolve significant stepfamily
problems, yet few know this. This causes a major paradox: authors,
publishers, and retailers seek best-sellers, but the topics that
average readers most need don't interest average buyers.
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So - how can you select useful, practical self-help books for your unique
mix of stepfamily-related needs among the many competing used and new
titles?
Book-buyer's Needs and Options
Would you agree that your satisfaction as you finish reading a book depends
on how well it filled your
when you bought it? If so, you need to know
what specific needs you hope a stepfamily book will fill.
Hundreds of average single parents and stepfamily adults have taught me that
in the over-stimulated hustle of warp-speed American life,
most people don't know how to
discern what they really need. That leaves them focusing futilely on
satisfying surface needs (symptoms) and not
their underlying
This yields recurring frustration,
impatience, weariness, and often - blame.
If you accept and/or are curious about this premise, read these three
examples of "digging down" to discern
current primary stepfamily needs. Then reflect: what specific needs are you
trying to fill via one or more stepfamily how-to books? Possibilities:
If you seek practical
courtship advice for how to choose the right
(mate, stepkids,
other parent, and kin) to commit to, for the right
at the right
- my (biased)
opinion is there is only one
practical book available:
Stepfamily Courtship (Xlibris.com, 2002).
I wrote this book
because there are no others that provide thorough, practical advice about
the
millions of
American stepfamilies fail psychologically or legally. None of the
past or current books focusing on re/marriage preparation focus on these
inescapable primary hazards.
If you seek
affirmation, clarification and validation of your
current stepfamily experience (i.e. you need reassurance you're normal
and OK), then any book that includes examples of and direct quotes
from real stepfamily members will probably please you - specially if it's
upbeat, humorous, and optimistic, and has heart-warming outcomes.
If
you seek to better understand your current re/marital
and co-parenting experience, ("Why do I feel so much irritation and
resentment for my stepdaughter?") many lay and clinical authors will offer
earnest, credible explanations. With quotes and vignettes, they may
genuinely clarify, vs. offer solutions for, some common stepfamily problems.
However...
If you seek
effective solutions to your stepfamily role and
relationship problems, with rare exceptions,
most lay and clinical authors
proposed solutions will
not fill your primary
needs. This is because (a) the author/s don't know the
full scope of what you
need to know, or (b) their chapters provide only superficial coverage of the
key topics you need to find effective solutions. For example:
-
You feel stymied trying to get your mate to (a) empathize with your
with one of your stepkids, and to (b) (want to) support you more.
Typical stepfamily-author advice: "You should work to create
'open and honest communication' with your mate."
That advice makes
sense - and is useless, because few co-parents know how to do it.
To validate this premise, (a) try this communication-basics
quiz, (b) read these questions and
answers about effective communication, and
(c) scan this summary of common communication
blocks...
-
You try your best to grow mutual respect, trust, and friendship with
a stepchild and/or their "other parent." Despite your best
efforts the other person/s remain
hostile, aloof,
aggressive, and disre-spectful.
Typical (useless) stepfamily author advice:
-
"Try not to take
this (rejection) personally;"
-
"Look at the good things in your
stepfamily;"
-
"Be patient - they'll come to accept and like you with
time;"
-
"Call a
family
meeting and discuss this with those involved."
-
You're increasingly frustrated because your mate lets her or his
visiting child "get away with mur-der," but is often very strict with
your residential biochild/ren despite your protests about a
"double standard." This is a complex
and
conflict + one or more a
+ a
marital (vs.
stepchild) problem, probably compounded by
+ possibly by
+ significant adult
.
Any stepfamily-author advice that doesn't...
-
acknowledge each of
these six components,
-
describe what they are, and...
-
offer
practical ways co-parents can reduce them over time,
will be
ineffective. Finally...
If
you seek practical ways to stabilize or reduce a stepfamily
(e.g. re/divorce), I know
of no books that can
provide effective help - including mine. Typical stepfamily problems are
complex, multi-layered, and often have been evolving for months or years.
Expecting a book to provide instant cures is like expecting to win the
state lottery. This is why it is essential
for couples to research stepfamily life during
courtship!
Bottom line: Most past and current
stepfamily, stepparenting, and remarriage books (a) are useful for
describing and illustrating common relationship problems - and most (b)
offer superficial or impractical advice because authors and readers don't
thoroughly explore five primary problems.
Key: Stepfamily Hazards and Projects
Virtually none of the scores of stepfamily and remarriage books and
articles I
have read acknow-ledge what appear to me to be
five universal stressors:
-
co-parents' psychological
from
low-nurturance childhoods, and what they
;
-
co-parents' (a) personal
and (b)
ignorance of these
-
how to
and
incomplete
in one or more
stepfamily adults and kids
-
common implications of little
informed stepfamily
support
in their
extended families, local community, and the media.
-
these combine to (a) cause many needy,
romance-besotted co-parents to commit to the wrong
(mate, stepkids,
ex mates, and kin), for the wrong
at the wrong
and, (b) block
troubled co-parents from following the superficial advice in typical
stepfamily books.
In my experience, the most toxic of
these hazards and the least well known is
wounds.
Well over 80% of the many hundreds of typical divorcing co-parents and
stepfamily adults I've consulted with since 1981 show signs of these wounds
- and less than ~5% know of them, or how the wounds were promoting current or
future family stresses.
The
of the 12 safeguard
I advocate for
typical divorcing-family and stepfamily co-par-ents is about assessing for and
reducing these unseen wounds. If unattended, the wounds will hinder or block
all 11 other Projects.
One high incentive:
not working at Project 1 -
ideally before re/marriage or co-habiting - risks unintentionally
to dependent children
and their descendents... I suspect that the wounds and ineffective
communication skills are among the key causes of our horrific American
divorce epidemic.
The
focuses on what I
perceive to be the next most toxic hazard for average co-parents and kids:
and
Most stepfamily
authors advocate "open and honest" communication - but fail to show readers...
-
how wounds can prevent that, and...
-
communication basics, and the seven essential
we all need
to negotiate our personal and social needs effectively.
I have never
seen any book describe and illustrate the
essential skill of
to discern true
needs - which cause all our behavior, including communication!
Recommendations
Education is vital for typical single, courting, and re/married co-parents
and supporters. Self-help books can help to provide some needed knowledge.
If you seek stepfamily or stepparenting validation, examples, and some
clarification, most stepfamily books will prove useful. Buy several, for
author's backgrounds, experience, biases, and vocabularies vary
significantly. The three best
overview books I know are:
-
Patricia Papernow's
Becoming a Stepfamily (Gestalt Institute of Cleveland Press, 1998)
-
Margaret Newman's
Stepfamily Life (2004, Finch Publishing, Sydney, Australia) - an
update of her
Stepfamily Realities (Doubleday, 1992); and...
-
James' Bray and John Kelly's
Stepfamilies - Love, marriage, and parenting in the first decade
(Doubleday, 1998).
Though each of these books has much to recommend it, none of them identify
what readers need to know and do about the five hazards above.
In
general, I caution you to not take a book's front-cover claims or
book-endorser's quotes literally. Stepfamily roles and relationships are
complex enough that no one book can provide "all you need to know" or be "the
complete (or authorative) guide to ____." Premise: most book endorsers -
specially celebrities - do not know what typical readers need to
know
about stepfamily remarriage and co-par-enting, and have their own agendas.
If You Seek Solutions to Stepfamily
Problems...
There are several ways to scan a book to see if its contents are superficial
or practical.
-
Check the
author's credentials and experience. If s/he is not a veteran
therapist or counselor, it's very likely s/he will provide superficial
or impractical information and advice, no matter how many years of
stepfamily experience s/he has. My experience is that even authors with
Ph.D. or M.D. degrees don't know about the five co-parent
and what to
about them.
-
If you're single
or courting and the book doesn't have at least a full
chapter on how to make wise stepfamily re/marriage decisions, look
elsewhere. If there are one or more chapters on courtship
decisions, see if the author/s provide a list of courtship
-
Know that the
book will provide only part of what you need if the Table of
Contents doesn't include at least a full chapter on:
-
signs of
psychological
and
co-parent
from them;
and...
-
effective communication
basics,
and
blocks; and...
-
stepfamily
conflicts
and
and...
-
(a) grieving basics,
and (b)
and (c)
incomplete
grief; and...
-
spotting and resolving
and
conflicts
and relationship
and...
-
typical stepkids' unique family-adjustment
needs; and...
-
resolving common
between
co-parenting ex mates; and...
-
how to nourish your
amidst unavoidable stepfamily
and...
-
common stepfamily myths
and realities. Most authors hilight five or six myths out of over
60!
-
Without all
the chapters above, assume that any chapters on
stepparenting,
money, child
discipline, child
visitations and
custody disputes, family
meetings, and
holidays are superficial and
anecdotal, not practical.
-
Religious
emphasis: if the author/s seem to give primary weight to Biblical
laws and advice rather than to knowledge like the above, expect
the book's practical use to be limited. If this offends you, please read
this. By the way, did you know that
some Biblical scholars feel that Jesus, Mary, and Joseph were a
stepfamily because of Joseph's older sons?
-
Scan the index,
if any, for entries like these: balance, bonds or bonding,
communication, courtship, danger signs, fears, grief (or mourning),
guilt, inclusion (or exclusion, or membership) conflict, loyalty
conflict, personality, priorities, problem solving, recovery,
relationship triangles, self, shame, stepchildren's needs, stepfamily
identity, support, true Self, values conflicts, and wounds. The more of
these and the more pages per topic, the more likely the book is
practical.
-
Scan the content to see if the author/s include both
bioparents (both living ex mates) of a minor or grown stepchild in their
definition of "your (nuclear) stepfamily." If they don't, look
elsewhere.
Together, these criteria can help you choose stepfamily how-to books or
tapes that are well-suited to your needs.
Recap
Typical divorcing-family and stepfamily co-parents and supporters need
validation, clarification, education, advice, and inspiration. Our culture
promotes seeking those from stepfamily-related books. Co-parents face a
bewildering array of books by lay and professional authors to choose from -
and lack criteria for selecting among them.
This article is based on detailed study of over 40 typical books about
re/marriage, co-parenting, and stepfamily life - and authoring six of my
own. It suggests a range of needs typical stepfamily book-buyers try to fill, and
suggests how to select useful books to tit those needs.
Most stepfamily books will fill readers' needs for an introduction to
typical stepfamily problems, and human-interest examples of adults and kids
struggling with them. Very few books provide practical advice on how to
avoid or reduce those problems effectively. This is because typical lay and
human-service authors don't know they don't know about the five core
that confront most co-parents, kids, and supporters and render typical
advice superficial and impractical.
This is why I've written six guidebooks books for readers who want to
go "under the covers" and learn how to avoid or resolve what really
causes typical stepfamily problems like these.
Related
resource: see this similar article about picking an effective
stepfamily counselor.
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what
you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what
you need? Is there anyone you want to
discuss these i
