The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/11/sg-intro.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational pop-up, so
please turn off your browser's popup
blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
family relationships and
preventing divorce.
This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to
use its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
This is the first of 10
Web
pages
focusing on
building an effective support group for stepfamily bioparents and stepparents.
Option: download this series
as a 38-page booklet including all hyperlinks, in self-expanding Microsoft
WORD 2002 (177 kb) or
Adobe Acrobat PDF (449 kb)
self-expanding compressed zip (.exe.) files. See also the chapter on Project 11
(build an effective co-parent support network) in the
guidebook
Build a High-nurturance Stepfamily.
Why This Series?
Because
millions of average American
multi-home stepfamilies eventually end in
psychological or legal re/divorce
for a mix of
Co-managing a stepfamily re/marriage,
child-linked homes and roles, and a complex biofamily
is
stressful for typical re/wedded partners.
They and their kids usually need more
help ("support") with their and their
kids' many concurrent special needs than first-marriers.
One important source of such help is
a well organized and effectively-run co-parent support group. In my
experience as a stepfamily consultant since 1981, these are rare in most
U.S.
communities.
| This series of Web pages outlines key steps toward
developing a
stepfamily co-parent support group that
works well. By definition, well
here means that most participants steadily feel that (a) their main needs (below) are
met often enough, (b) in ways that leave each member feeling good about
themselves, each other, and their group process. This is just like
co-managing a stepfamily well
|
For more perspective on sources of stepfamily support, see
this.
vent, and be heard and accepted, without judgment;
feel validated, "normal," respected, and encouraged;
learn and problem-solve;
socialize and
help others; and...
build and keep realistic hope for the future.
Can you think of other
needs that mutual-help groups fill? Here is some perspective on
each of these six normal needs:
1) The Need To Vent
Venting is the communication process of talking honestly about
current strong emotions, needs, and thoughts. Effective venting
happens when the speaker feels (a) clearly understood and empathized with
"enough," and (b) accepted nonjudgmentally.
When listeners judge
or discount the speaker’s feelings ("You're still grieving your
divorce?"), and/or try to fix their situation ("Look, why
don’t you ..."), venting doesn’t work - i.e. the speaker’s needs to
feel deeply
may not be filled.
Because typical
differ
from intact biofamilies in over 60 ways, co-parents often
feel frustratingly little understanding or real stepfamily empathy from their friends and
kin. And unless clergy and professional counselors have had personal experience and/or special training
- which is rare - they too often have
trouble really empathizing with stepfamily adults (or their kids) who need to
vent.
Therefore, typical co-parents often feel isolated and alone - so it feels like a Godsend to
be with a group of other co-parents who listen, nod empathically, and say "I know
..." Reality check: if you're in a stepfamily, do you know anyone
who seems to really empathize with how it feels to you?
2) The Need To Feel Validated
Most of the
many hundreds of co-parents
I’ve met have not studied "what’s
normal"
in average stepfamilies. This leaves them unconsciously using biofamily
standards, expectations, and trial solutions in coping with stepfamily problems.
Too often, these don’t fill kids and adults' needs well enough.
Otherwise well-educated, mature women and men
struggling with stepkids, ex spouses, and myriad
can begin to feel literally "crazy" (overwhelmed and ungrounded). As rosy early-re/marriage dreams
inexorably fade into the fine and foul
that emerge, partners begin to doubt
their own (or each other’s) perceptions and competencies. This is specially
likely for women, who’ve been trained by our patriarchal society to accept that
they’re mainly responsible for making their (step)family happy.
By telling parts of their current stepfamily
story and consistently having other co-parents nod and say "Yeah, we’ve had
that experience too," support group members can feel almost a tangible relief
that they’re normal after all. They’re not imagining or exaggerating
their problems, and aren’t "weird" for having trouble understanding and
co-managing them effectively. This second kind of major co-parent relief is spelled
peer v-a-l-i-d-a-t-i-o-n - the priceless feeling of being
"OK" and "right" in thoughts, needs, feelings, and perceptions.
No matter how well-meaning, people who haven’t lived "in
step" can’t really offer deep empathic
validation. Because there are
of stepfamily, some
co-parents will have a hard time finding others living in "their"
situation,
even within a group of other co-parents.
Still, stressor themes like
relationship
and
parenting, and
conflicts; and
are the same across all 100 types...
Well-functioning co-parent support groups offer a rare and precious source of welcome
proof that "we’re not crazy!" and "we're not alone!"
3) The Needs To Learn, and
Resolve Role and
Relationship Stressors
Most support-group members seek to (a) learn
appropriate situational norms and relevant resources,
and then (b) clarify and solve specific stepfamily
problems. This need for information and ideas is often specially strong for co-parents within two or three years of their re/wedding. Typically, nobody warned them
meaningfully about how complex, alien, and
confusing their new multi-home,
enterprise would feel - or if
someone tried, the lovebirds didn't really believe it.
As realities set in, mates may start to wonder "what should we be learning?" This is true even for
those adults who were raised as stepkids. Often, co-parents encountering their version of
the
that all
need to face, focus on learning
for their kids first, vs. co-equally for their re/marriage and
themselves.
A well-organized, effectively run support
group can be a great source of useful stepfamily learnings and
problem resolutions. Sadly, current media and most
community professionals are uninformed or misinformed sources of
stepfamily information.
For helpful knowledge, see these
guidebooks, Q&A
pages, Solutions, and this support-group resource list. Let
group members know these suggestions for choosing useful stepfamily
books and articles, and avoiding impractical or
bad advice.
Besides needs to vent, to be validated, and to learn
and problem-solve, average co-parents also have ...
4-5) Needs To Socialize and To Help Others
Two more typical reasons people attend
support groups are to help fill needs for (a) community and belonging, and
(b) feeling useful to others. Traditionally, adults wired
with
feel the need for relationships and social
communion more strongly than peers with "male brains."
This may explain in part
why most Stepfamily inFormation "warm-line" callers were women and nurturing men. If their own
current
are met enough,
most of us feels good providing meaningful support to others
in need. Is that your experience?
An important exception is co-parents who
are
men and women who automatically overfocus on others' needs
because they have no inner permission to see their own needs as equally
important.
Such
(wounded) people privately feel their only
human worth and chance for social (and romantic) acceptance is through pleasing
others.
Effective support-group
leaders periodically poll the members to keep the right current balance between
their needs for venting, validating, learning and problem-solving ("business"),
and just socializing together. A related group benefit I’ve heard some busy re/married
mates voice is that their co-parent meetings provided a regular "date" night - a
scheduled, "legitimate" time alone to talk, plan, and just
enjoy each other. Also, good friendships for adults and their respective
kids can evolve from a series of support-group meetings and multi-family events.
6) The Needs for Encouragement and Hope
A vital need that effective support
groups help to fill applies specially to co-parents in re/marital and stepfamily
Some such adults seek co-parent groups frantically because they have finally
broken their
and acknowledge they have serious problems.
If these
frightened people are uncomfortable seeking professional help, they may hope that
"going to a group" will solve their problems.
Usually that won’t
work, since support groups and therapy groups are very different
in objectives, design, leadership, and process.
If a support group's policy is to invite such
desperate adults or couples into a meeting, one of the kindest gifts that members can
bestow is to confront the newcomers with the reality that they need
professional help which the group can't provide. Ideally, group members would
have built a referral list of local stepfamily-informed
mental-health professionals to offer such seekers.
This implies that group members need to agree clearly on
what kind of stepfamily situations warrant assertive referrals and which are within the
group’s own scope. Groups without a clear policy and guidelines on this important
point risk (a) delaying troubled co-parents and their kids from getting appropriate help or even
(b)
raising their distress. For more
perspective, see screening new people.
My experience is that even the pain of being
"rejected" (referred out) by a co-parent support group can provide
validation, information, and direction. These can build some hope for positive stepfamily
and re/marital change. More broadly, as average co-parents meet and build
awareness of stepfamily
together - an effective
group can give everyone realistic confidence and hope that they can build a
high-nurturance stepfamily over time ...
Whether in a major crisis or not,
all
custodial and non-custodial co-parents need sincere, credible encouragements -
specially from veteran peers - that they can find a way to manage the
next (inevitable) crisis. This is a powerful reason to start or join
a group, because many average co-parents don't know other stepfamily
veterans to talk with.
Bottom line:
adults (and kids!) in typical multi-home stepfamilies often need to vent, feel validated
and encouraged, learn key
things, solve their confusing relationship problems, socialize, help others in need, and
strengthen realistic hopes.
Because their type of normal family is so complex and different from average one-home intact biofamilies,
average co-parents
probably feel these six (and other) needs more intensely than
peers in typical absent-parent, foster-parent, and adoptive-parent families. Does
that make sense to you?
Effective co-parent support groups can help fill these six normal human needs. Conversely,
low-nurturance (ineffective
or toxic) support
groups can significantly add
to those who attend.
Continue this
series by reviewing options for starting an effective co-parent support group.
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