Though there's a
kaleidoscope of variations, the people I've seen who regularly attend co-parent
support groups fall into these general categories:
Type 1: Previously divorced or single
people who have a serious new adult relationship growing, but aren't yet re/married.
They may or may not be living together. These people are aware they're a
stepfamily-to-be
(vs. denying that), and want to "get it right" this time for their and the
involved kids’ sakes.
Such people are
probably not in a current stepfamily
They - specially previously-divorced
bioparents - are self-motivated to learn relevant, accurate how-to information in advance.
They’re drawn to the chance of hearing either veteran co-parents tell of their
experiences (and solutions), or knowledgeable outside speakers describe aspects of
stepfamily and co-parenting life. They're a little to a lot more idealistic than...
Type
2: Re/married couples who are feeling confused and somewhat stressed.
They’ve
been living together for months or a few years, and are probably finding their stepfamily
doesn’t feel like what they were expecting. One or both may
acknowledge they’re a stepfamily (or a "blended family"), but they
probably don’t really know what that
In these couples, one mate (usually a stepmom) is more interested in finding
and joining a support group than the other. Type 2 people are likely to be in a
custodial (vs. visitation) stepfamily. They often have begun to encounter
and co-parenting
disagreements, and are uneasy about them. They may or may not have biokids together. One
or more of the stepkids may be acting out at home and/or school, and/or an ex
mate has been "causing problems."
While open to
learning, Type 2’s have a higher need for validation than Type 1’s, because
they feel somewhat blamed, misunderstood, guilty, self-doubtful, and anxious. The newcomer
may feel frustrated their spouse isn’t solidly enthused about coming - or isn't
there.
Type
3: Adults or couples in major stepfamily (i.e. re/marital)
crisis, who
are desperate for effective answers to their conflicts. They may or may not be in
therapy, and may be interested in the group on their own, or because a counselor referred
them. Usually, these partners are also unbalanced in their motivation to participate in a
group - or have different motives.
These co-parents
often challenge group members, because they’re scared, frustrated, conflicted,
and are often more interested in explaining and justifying their side of
the battle, blaming (their partner, stepkid, or others), and
griping ("Ain't
it awful?"), than in mutual
These co-parents can use up much group time doing these things repeatedly, and wanting
the group to "prove" their mate is "wrong" or "bad."
They’re probably polarized into mine-vs.-yours camps, are mutually distrustful and
cynical, and pose the risk of turning the group into a gripe or attack session.
Type 3
couples often don’t know how to do win-win family problem solving. They may resist learning how, out of
misplaced pride or unconscious fear.
Type 4: Re/married
bio or stepparents who would rather meet with same-sex peers ("Let’s have a
stepmoms’ group!"). For a variety of reasons, they seem to be more
interested in venting, validation, socializing, and commiserating than effective co-ed re/marital
problem-solving. Since 1981 I’ve seen a number of such groups form among women
co-parents - none among men, who often shun any help. Understandably,
gay
co-parents tend to fall in this fourth group of prospects, though they may truly seek
problem-solving.
A fifth large group of couples who could really benefit from a co-parent mutual-help
group, but they don’t know that. They're dating exclusively or re/married,
and both co-parents stoutly deny they're in a
stepfamily (or
equivalent term). They’re living
and/or
their
and truly
don’t know what they don’t know about the
re/marital and
co-parental challenges they’re heading into.
If they see an ad for your group, these
people think "that doesn’t apply to us." These often become the Type 3
"crisis" couples that come to a group later in major trouble.
Skillful
support-group advertising or the
assertive advice of an informed minister, doctor, or co-parent friend may mote such people
to try one meeting. Have some factual handout literature (like copies* of these
Web pages and related articles)
for such folks, to document why they should return and learn more.
Planning the First Meeting
If you’re
considering forming a support group, do you have any help so far? It’s more fun and
less work if you can find at least one other person to team with you in planning and
running the first meeting. If you can’t find a partner who’ll commit direct
participation, can you find an advisor who has started some kind of support group before?
Stepfamily couples who empower a support group together often seem to harvest
important re/marital benefits...
The Goal...
The basic aim of the
first gathering is to meet at least two or more or more other stepfamily co-parents who
are willing and able to join you in getting some form of co-parent support group
organized and off the ground.
Set Realistic Expectations
Since 1981, I’ve
seen many instances where enthused organizers put a lot of effort into planning and
advertising a first support-group event. They expected dozens of participants - only to
find fewer than 10 came. The organizers then felt disappointed and frustrated, and saw
their effort as a failure. Actually, that’s a pretty good first turnout.
Here are
some apparent realities about why stepfamily adults don’t throng to even the
best-promoted first meeting:
Many courting co-parents often don’t
identify
(yet) as a stepfamily. Or if they do,
they’re apt to believe idealistically "Our love will get us through."
Either way, they typically see little point in seeking "stepfamily" or
"co-parent" support.
Most 21st-century Americans choose jammed
lives. They have many activities, responsibilities, and diversions, and feel they have
"too little time." Their (our) culture takes family life and parenting for
granted, and generally views stepfamilies as "minority," second-class entities.
Also,...
Average multi-home stepfamilies have
more minor kids (say
three or more) than their biofamily counterparts (one to three). That means less
"free" couple time. (Paradox: attending a support group is one of the best
parenting investments of time and energy co-parents can make!);
One group of veteran (re/married) co-parents feel
"OK enough," so they see little need to get support.
The other veteran group
does acknowledge modest or significant problems - and is uneasy or ashamed to admit that
publicly by going to a support group. The majority of current U.S. co-parents have
been divorced at least once. To admit that a second (or third) primary relationship feels
rocky is pretty scary. It’s safer to stay home.
If the support group appears to be linked to a church,
hospital, or a mental health organization, some co-parents’ negative biases get
triggered: "Looks like a group for sick divorced people (or "Jesus
freaks") - no thanks!"
The least obvious low-attendance factor (I think) is that
most stepfamily adults seem to come from
childhoods. Most
such
(GWCs) learned long
ago to be extremely independent, and not risk asking for or accepting help. This has to do
with having been repeatedly let down by key early caregivers, feeling unworthy of
help, and distrusting any that's offered.
So
protecting
against repeated disappointments by "not needing" other people becomes a
knee-jerk reflex - specially for men. The good news: GWCs in real personal
will gladly use all the help they can get...
Another reality is that
some ethnic groups - e.g. Asians,
Hispanics and Latinos, Eastern Europeans, and Mediterraneans - can be
specially private
about their family affairs. Relatives can be scathingly critical if a family member
"goes public" in a support group. Similarly, Some religious communities teach
that divorce is sinful, and re/marriage is either invalid or blasphemous.
Social pressure can powerfully inhibit such co-parents from trying out a support
group.
Are you still
enthused about recruiting a group of stepfamily co-parents? I hope so!
Despite these
combined factors, the odds are high that there are co-parents in any community
who are motivated to gather together to exchange help.
Motivations...
There are several
effective ways to motivate (most) such people to attend an initial gathering. All ways
involve some planning and advertising. Here are four options I’ve seen
"work" - i.e. five or more co-parents (vs. couples) show up:
1) Advertise a support-group
"organizing" meeting. This is the least-effort and most direct route. In
my experience, it’s also the least likely to work. Despite tentative interest,
most of us (who may feel over-committed to begin with) aren’t excited about going to
an unknown place to have an "administrative" meeting with some strangers. (Have
you ever been to a fun or "really satisfying" organizational
meeting?)
Still, it’s worth trying. You may harvest even one other person who will
team up with you to try another approach. You might also connect with a sponsor. Any
advertisement will alert your community that there are stepfamilies "out there,"
who have needs and issues too... Another option is to...
2) Hold a
public information program. Given the right advertising "spin," this
kind of initial support-group event can seem very interesting, or even fun! Several
options:
-
A moderated panel of veteran co-parents, step-teens, or both,
describing their stepfamily experiences and recommendations. To raise interest and energy,
invite audience questions and supportive comments as part of the process. My experience is
that a moderated panel of four to six people provides a lively, interesting 90"
meeting.
-
A presentation about a key stepfamily topic
by a qualified speaker; or...
-
Showing and discussing a stepfamily film or video.
A third option for your first meeting is...
3) Make a presentation to a select audience (vs. "the public"). What "select
audiences"? Excellent prospects are:
-
Single-parent support
groups like Parents Without Partners (PWP). Such
groups are full of Type 1 prospects and a few twice-divorced parents;
-
Individual or combined
church congregations,
or their adult-education committees and groups;
-
Family-related support groups like
"Rainbows" and
"Tough Love." The latter often have a high percentage of
(troubled and highly motivated - Type 3 and 4 stepfamily co-parents;
-
Parents who've been notified through a
school or
district
PTO / PTA mailing; and…
-
Community college or other local adult-education classes
focusing on family and parenting topics.
If you connect
with such a group, what would you present? This nonprofit Break
the Cycle! Web site offers articles on each of the topics
below (and others), which could serve as rich resources from which to build an
interest-building presentation. See
this for typical topics...
During the
introduction to any such program, mention that ideas for - and interest in - an ongoing
support group will be invited toward the end. Promoting small and large group discussions
during these programs starts a co-parent bonding and identity-building process.
I’ve
found consistently that there's a surge of enthusiasm as the co-parent participants
discover mutual stepfamily interests, experiences, and conflicts - and a wish to share
more.
Unless the program is too long, poorly
organized, or too late, many participants are often energized and "up" for
discussing an ongoing co-parent support group!
At the close of such initial events,
ask any people interested in forming a support group to meet with you briefly. Plan time
for this.
Confirm their initial interest, and invite them to a planning, exploratory,
or brain-storming meeting. Get names, phone numbers, referrals to other people or groups
who might be interested, and clear commitments for one more meeting. Iron out any
scheduling conflicts. Describe the positive benefits of a viable support group clearly.
4) Another way to
start a group is to offer a stepfamily class. Even if you’re a family-life
professional, I’d expect your reaction to be "But I (or we) can’t teach a
stepfamily
class!" The good news: there are several commercial
kits available
that provide agendas, materials, and leader guides for lay people to lead
their own multi-session co-parent class. Option: tailor this free
downloadable 8-module "Build a Healthy Stepfamily"
to fit your situation.
I’ve given dozens of 18-hour co-parent classes
since 1981. My experience is that the "best" class format...
-
is for 12 to 16 people. Couples are encouraged, but not
required;
-
has clear, enforced group rules about punctuality,
committed attendance, fees (if any), smoking, breaks, refreshments, and
confidentiality;
-
is clearly educational, not therapy (i.e. deep emotional
venting or serious interpersonal fighting is out of bounds);
-
covers the major interests and
needs of the attendees over time;
-
mixes presentations with small and large group
discussions
at each session;
-
focuses on topical problem definitions and positive
solution
options;
-
includes handouts summarizing key points, and uses worksheets
to promote couple and group discussions and value clarifications; and...
-
is informative, supportive, safe, and (at times)
fun!
(Whew!).
One benefit
to offering a pre-structured class is that real group trust and bonding usually blooms
across the class sessions. I’ve found often that as such a class ends, the
participants don’t want to lose the rare feelings of empathy and comradeship that
have developed. The suggestion to keep meeting - and perhaps expanding to include others
in the community - is often a generally welcome one.
OK - if you’ve done one or more of these first
meetings, hopefully you’ll have harvested several other co-parents solidly interested
in forming a support group. Now what?
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Updated
August 25, 2008
The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/11/sg-start.htm
Starting
Your Co-Parent
Support Group 
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