Punctuality: Most members will feel better about the
group if they can count on knowing when each meeting will start and end. People arriving
after the meeting has started - or leaving before the end - disrupts focus, mood, and
momentum.
That takes everyone’s time to rebuild. If meetings consistently run longer
than advertised or agreed, members (specially those with baby sitters) can feel stressed
and resentful, and lean toward dropping out. You may find it useful to ask that if people
are unavoidably detained, they be responsible for calling and letting the host/leader know
that.
Every group has a unique blend of members’ needs about timeliness. If in
doubt what your group’s blend is - ask everyone what they need!
Smoking
and other drug usage: An increasing number of people feel second-hand tobacco
smoke is both unpleasant and unhealthy. And - even one person who attends a support group
meeting "under the influence" will probably be a major distraction to most
others - and a turn-off for new people.
If your group tolerates members being high or
drunk, you are
them (promoting an unhealthy habit). That’s
opposite to your (presumed) shared goal of fostering personal, stepfamily, and group
health.
At the very
least, poll all members on this point when you organize, and agree on (and enforce) a
clear policy on chemical usage. Note that if your policy says "We ask that people
who have just used mind- altering drugs not attend", that implies if someone comes in
high, your host/leader will have to assertively ask them to leave. To say the obvious,
unenforced policies are worthless.
Confidentiality: Effective support groups
feel consistently safe - allowing members to reveal personal or intimate details of
their lives without fear of ridicule or reporting sensitive things to the outside world.
It helps to build group trust and intimacy if you remind everyone at the start of each
meeting "What’s said here stays here," or some such theme.
An
ongoing option is for people who share sensitive information to ask everyone to keep it
within the group. If someone discloses probable criminal behavior, or child
abuse or neglect,
you have a moral and legal obligation to report those immediately to the
appropriate authorities.
"Air
time" and interruptions: A standard group task each meeting is to balance the
time available with members’ needs to vent, discuss, problem-solve, and get feedback.
One way of doing that is for the leader to ask people to say during their initial
check-in if they want group air time.
Then try to manage the group process so that
those who need time get enough. A structured way
of doing this is to divide the "business" time available by the number of people
who want time, and allocate the resulting number of minutes to each person. Have the group
stay alert to how interruptions feel to them, as they speak and listen.
Some
interruptions can feel very supportive. Others can distract from where the speaker is
"going" - or derail them completely. Talk together about how you all want to
handle the latter. One option is to give responsibility to each speaker about their own
tolerance for interruptions, and invite respectful
Confrontation: A challenging aspect to any support
group is how to handle members’ inevitable disagreements on stepfamily decisions.
People’s values on co-parenting, marriage, finances, and "family health"
vary widely. Your group will evolve a policy - spoken or unspoken - on what you all do
when one member describes something that one or several others strongly disagree with.
Average
stepfamilies are riddled with emotional, controversial topics: child
discipline,
visitation, and custody; money management; relations with ex mates;
grieving; stepparent
rejection; adoption, privacy; etc. I suggest that when
values disagreements occur in
your group (and they will!), the disagreer/s give their reaction in the form of
a respectful "I message," rather than a blaming or accusatory statement.
I-messages avoid name-calling, or using adjectives like stupid, childish,
idiotic, and ridiculous.
"I messages" sound like: "Jack, when you describe using a belt to
reprimand your stepson, I get really uncomfortable. I’m afraid that kind of
action will generate fear, resentment and shame in Georgie. Are you open to
feedback on
other ways to enforce your discipline?"
The focus here is on the disagreer’s
reaction, rather than blaming or accusing the original speaker. The group-divisive
alternative is to come out with something like "Jack, that’s outright child
abuse. How can you do that? Millie, how can you let him do that to your son - are
you crazy?"
Also -
build a
professional referral list that you can use for people to take positive action, when
conflicted. Stay focused that you are a support group, not the Grand
Inquisition. If someone is doing some co-parenting (or re/marital) thing that
seems harmful, then respectful, constructive confrontation is a gift.
Not confronting is enabling, which is potentially hurtful, and erodes
Self respect. Stay aware also
that you’re not there to win the co-parenting Olympics. Hopefully, members come to
encourage and learn, not compete with others.
Griping and group conflict vs.
problem-solving. Probably the biggest support-group killer is that group meetings turn into predictable
"bitch sessions." People can leave such meetings feeling like stepfamily life is
gloomy, awful, and chaotic - and that there’s no way out, or reason to hope.
A
basic decision that all founding members need to make is whether they’re meeting to
find effective solutions to their confusing stepfamily dilemmas or not.
It’s easy to complain, whine, and play "Ain’t it awful." It’s
harder - and far more rewarding - to use the group’s empathy, wisdom and
creativity to seek clear, effective new attitudes and behaviors.
The next step
here is for the leader or another member to confront the griper/s. Say
something like "Sandra, I feel we’re over-focusing on your problem. Are you
ready to shift now to decide what changes you want, and options for getting that?"
Another way of confronting respectfully is for any member to ask the speaker
"What
do you want (or need) from us right now?"
Couples Arguing.
A normal group-process issue is
learning how to handle co-parenting partners’ arguing or fighting excessively in the
group. Suggestions:
Hear and validate
them: "you two are really
having trouble finding a win-win compromise here. You’re in
a standard loyalty (or values) conflict,
and your high frustration and anger seem to be blocking you each from
hearing
each other."
Re/focus them: "Are you willing to have us help
you problem-solve now?" What if they say
"No!"?
Limit
them: Major re/marital and co-parenting
firefights in one couple can use up a whole meeting. Honor them and other members by
calling time on a warring couple, after hearing them, and asking what they need. That will
be easier if everyone has a clear idea on what the group’s consensual "air
time" policy is.
Refer them: unless you have a trained clinician present
and are a therapy group vs. a support group, assertively suggest to a couple having the
same problem/s meeting after meeting that they seek professional counsel.
Ideally,
your group will evolve a list of stepfamily-aware local
professionals to refer to. Lastly ...
Learn from them:
Conflicted couples are a key reason
co-parent support groups exist. If a couple is at an
in your group, observe
them empathically and try to understand why they get stuck. It’s often far easier to
see the causes in another couple than in your own primary
relationship!
Another important
group-policy item is on ...
Giving
feedback.
Communication occurs to fill
people’s current needs. Six universal needs are to...
1) Feel respected by your Self and
your current partner/s (always present),
2) Cause impact or action,
including regulating the emotional distance between the
speaker and listener/s,
3) Vent - i.e. to feel empathically understood
and non-judgmentally accepted,
4) Get or give new ideas or
information,
5) Feel intellectual and emotional
stimulation,
vs. boredom;
and/or to...
6) Avoid something
uncomfortable.
Unless
members specifically ask for help or suggestions ("new information") on a
situation, assume their need is to vent, and avoid a barrage of advice-giving.
It can feel like a shaming discount if a group member says "Well, obviously,
what you should do is...". This implies that the "fixer" is wiser and
"1-up", and knows how the listener should live "right" (though maybe
they do!). Two helpful alternatives to "fixing" (advising) are ...
-
focus constructively (vs. critically) on
how the person or
couple is trying to solve their problem - i.e. focus on their process.
Typically couples (or co-parents and kids) fight and argue, rather than
co-operatively problem-solve.
Often,
that’s the real problem; and ...
- Join with the speaker/s (when they’re ready) and
co-operatively
brainstorm alternatives they can pick from.
See the pages
on effective communication and seven
including on
win-win problem-solving.
What is "effective
group leadership?"
This factor
alone can make or break the eventual success of your support group. Like
families, I’ve never seen a
well-functioning support group without one or two consistently- motivated,
leaders. A key reason most groups end (or never get going) is because
the leaders are burned out, ambivalent, or ineffective - i.e. inexperienced and/or
What does this key role entail?
Some
typical leadership responsibilities:
-
Provide the initial support group vision, spirit, and dedication;
-
Organize and conduct the initial meetings;
-
Hold planning meetings to determine the support group’s aims,
policies, and logistics;
-
Arrange for volunteers to share the group’s
administrative tasks.
Delegate to and co- ordinate them, resolve conflicts in and among them, and recognize and
appreciate them regularly for their efforts;
-
Conduct each support meeting effectively, or
delegate that to another
effective co-leader. Set each meeting’s tone (e.g. optimism vs. gloom) and agenda,
and follow it - unless unexpected crises arise.
-
Balance meetings’ content dynamically between
stepfamily
business, and group administration tasks. Effective, here, means that most of those
attending get their major needs met in a way every-one feels good enough about.
-
Act as community spokesperson for the group, or delegate that job and
monitor it.
-
Stay aware of general and special group
needs,
and co-ordinate the talents and resources of group members and the
community to meet them.
-
Balance personal stepfamily needs with all
group members’ needs.
Avoid overusing the group as a personal resource.
-
Make clear, timely administrative decisions
about group
process. Confront problems promptly and assertively. Facilitate
group problem-solving supportively, when members conflict.
-
Negotiate with any guest speakers,
and co-ordinate their time, focus, and participation.
-
Monitor what group members come for, and whether they’re getting
enough of their needs met. If not, take responsibility for problem-solving
that.
-
Take (or delegate) overall responsibility
for recruiting appropriate
new members, and do so.
-
Ask for help with these responsibilities, and
delegate,
when they feel too much.
-
Groom another
effective leader, and hand the baton to them
when feeling burned out, or personally "done". Then let go; and …
-
Enjoy doing all this,
(usually), over time!
Because this is
asking a lot of one person, having co-leaders can guard against overload, burn-out,
illness, and responsibilities "falling through the cracks."
The Web address of this
three-page article is http://sfhelp.org/11/sg-thriv1.htm
Organization Topics
(continued)
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