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Project
of
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help each other evolve and use a support
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Co-parent Support Group:
Ideas on Staying Focused,
Screening New
People,
and Topic Options - p. 8 of
10
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
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 The Web address of this
page is http://sfhelp.org/11/sg-thriv2.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so
please turn off your browser's popup
blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
family relationships and
preventing divorce. This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the
more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
This is the eighth in a series of
Web pages focusing
on building an effective support group for stepfamily bioparents and stepparents.
Option:
download
and print a free booklet that
contains all these pages.
 Helping Your
Group Thrive
After the first general session,
what will keep co-parents coming back? What will attract new people? Both questions
hinge on "What do typical stepfamily co-parents need"? Some suggestions, after
participating in ~15 co-parent support groups:
1)
Keep Clear and Focused on Your Group's Goals
vent and feel empathically heard
and accepted about
their stepfamily frustrations, confusions - and successes!,
get consistent respect, validation, and
encouragement,
from knowledgeable and respected peers;
learn realistic step
norms,
and effective co-parenting and re/marital solutions, via caring feedback and suggestions;
commune and belong with similar-enough women
and men;
be compassionately confronted, (vs. enabled) when
appropriate;
get away together for a while, and enjoy time as a
couple;
share and be helpful to peers and kids; and …
build and keep realistic (vs. idealistic)
stepfamily and
re/marital optimism, faith, and hope.
Wasting their energy, money, and time - i.e. getting few or no
needs met;
Listening to pessimistic others complain, whine, blame,
fight,
and drone on repetitively;
Being ignored, interrupted, criticized, lectured to, competed with, or
discounted;
Feeling overwhelmed by the depth and complexity of some other
member’s situations and needs;
Being repeatedly stymied or discouraged; and …
Being overburdened with unproductive group administrivia.
If your leaders and members
stay aware of these two sets of typical needs, and help each other fill them together in a balanced
way, your group will thrive! About one of six U.S. families is "in
step," and the co-parents in many of them are confused, isolated, and needy. So there
will always be stepfamily co-parents in your area who can benefit and contribute
to your group!
|
I strongly
encourage you to evolve and use a concise (one page or less), flexible group
mission statement and a clear policy statement
to keep everyone
focused each meeting on what you’re trying to do together, and how. |
2) Screen New People
The
effectiveness of your support group depends largely on whether the
needs of individual members
match the capabilities and motives of the group. One way of optimizing this balance is
to screen people before they come to the group - or after they’ve come once.
The
main thing to screen for is whether they need support or professional
In any vocal or media advertising of your group, it’s a good idea to have
prospective participants call a designated group member and describe something of their
stepfamily situation, what they’re looking for, and why.
These are some indicators that
individual therapy,
or a therapy group, is probably more appropriate: The inquiring person
describes recent or current ...
or homicidal thoughts or family events;
Chemical
to alcohol, food,
or prescription or street drugs;
Probable or certain physical, verbal,
spiritual, or emotional
(including sexual)
in the home or family;
Serious adult talk of
re/marital separation or
Hospitalizations for emotional conditions (e.g. major
and/or a family member taking medications for same;
Repeated "excessive" interference in the stepfamily’s
life by a relative or "authorities;"
Reported extra-marital
or law-breaking behaviors or
events by stepfamily members;
Kids running away, flunking school, doing drugs, being
kidnapped by bio-relatives, or custodial bioparents refusing
child
visitations;
Prolonged
court battles between ex-mates over
child
custody, support, visitation, or other issues;
An ex-mate stalking, harassing, or
other excessively hostile acts.
This isn’t
a complete list. You see the theme. Grow your group's attitude that the best way of
supporting co-parents involved in such current situations is to compassionately and
assertively point them at qualified professional help - and then give them full
responsibility for their own choices.
Compassionately
telling a group applicant that you feel, after listening to them, that they’d really
be better off getting professional help (and giving them referral names, if you have them)
helps both them and your existing group members.
If in doubt, call your group’s
qualified mental-health consultant, or find one. If an adult describes a home
excessively controlled by a willful (step)child, suggest they investigate local
ToughLove support groups, which are for any caregivers in such situations.
Search the Web for info on them.
| Incidentally,
if
anyone in your group ever describes what you feel is probable or certain current child or
spouse abuse or illegal activity,
you have a moral (and probably a legal)
obligation to call the police immediately to report that. |
Another key factor
in helping your group thrive over time is the topics you focus on. From
experience, here are some...
3)
Meeting Content Suggestions
Conduct
a packaged co-parent
or build your
own: If you choose to have
a series of educational stepfamily topics as one part of your meetings vs. just
"talking together," here's a set of topics that apply to most stepfamily
co-parents. Option: use these topics as a guide in helping
guest speakers to focus on something your members want to learn about.
Rent a stepfamily-related
video or film from your local library. The reader's services and Media staff
should be able to locate some for you, and help you get them for showing and discussion.
The National Stepfamily Resource
Center (NSRC) may be
able to provide a list of current media titles.
Have a guest panel of older
stepkids. This can be challenging to organize, and very rewarding. If you are
blessed with three or more teen or preteen stepkids who would agree to "instruct"
your co-parent group on what they (the kids) experience and need - ask them! At a
pre-panel group meeting, ask your members to form questions like those below. Consider
writing them out and giving them to the panelists in advance, so they can think about
them:
"Do
you see yourself as living in a stepfamily now?"
"What do you like about being in your stepfamily?"
Dislike?
"What’s hardest for you these days about being a stepson (daughter)?"
"Who do you include as real members of your ‘family’ now?"
"What would you change in your
(multi-home) stepfamily, if you could?
"What’s it like having a stepbrother / stepsister?"
"What’s it feel like being split between two homes?"
"How do you feel about the way visitations (with non-custodial bioparents) are going for
you all now? What would make them better?
"What worries you the most about your (multi-home) stepfamily now?"
"If you could teach stepparents one thing, what would it be?"
Have an unrelated
adult act as "talk show host" and invite the kids to honestly react to such
open-ended questions one at a time. Guidelines: no blaming, judging, arguing, or
interrupting! One option for avoiding the awkwardness of kids speaking in front of
their own co-parents: hold the panel without the adults, and videotape it for replay and
group discussion.
Consider having a
couple of all-family events during the year as part of your program. Picnics, bowling
or Halloween costume parties, or camp-outs are some (of many) options. Such gatherings
help everyone turn abstract names into real people, and raise the level of exchanged
interest and caring among members. They’re apt to be fun, too! Because at
first most of the kids and adults haven’t met, it can help to have a safe
"ice-breaking" exercise or game at first to help everyone relax and join in.
Ask
your kids for ideas!
+ + +
 Conclude
this Project 11 series on effective co-parent support
groups with ideas on group problem-solving, using a phone
tree, and some selected group resources.
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Updated
August 25, 2008
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