The Web address of this
2-page profile is http://sfhelp.org/11/support-wks1.htm
This concludes a two-page checklist of four types of stepfamily support. Numbering continues from the
prior page...
D)
Innerpersonal Support: My Relationship
Skills
__ 44) I _ respect myself, and
_ most others in our
stepfamily respect me, as a person, a co-parent, and in other key stepfamily
__ 45)
I _ rarely see others as having
human dignity and worth than I do. _ My needs, thoughts, feelings, and goals are just as
important as anyone else’s, and _ others’ needs, opinions, and
feelings - including kids' - are
just as important as mine.
__ 46) I _ usually enjoy being with most adults and
kids, and _ am clearly capable of
(forming a healthy
emotional attachment) with selected others.
__ 47) I can
_ clearly assess what toxic
and
producing)
relationships and settings are, and _ am consistently competent at avoiding them.
__ 48) I am reasonably or very empathic
with others – I can often accurately sense what they feel and need,
without major judgment or bias.
__ 49) I’m reasonably comfortable with
interpersonal conflicts, and accept them when they arise (vs. withdrawing, numbing out,
threatening, freaking out, controlling, pretending, or denying).
__ 50) I’m usually comfortable
my current
primary (vs. surface)
with all other adults and kids in my stepfamily.
__ 51) I often practice
each of the seven communication
effectively with our kids and adults - i.e. I’m often effective at
promoting win-win
__ 52) I regularly
appreciate and verbally
affirm ("thanks for...") other people in our home
and extended stepfamily genuinely, vs. dutifully or intellectually.
__ 53) If I’m
thoughtless, selfish, or rude, I’m _ comfortable apologizing
genuinely and promptly for those behaviors, and _ truly accepting
apologies from others (forgiving) if they do the same.
__ 54) I’m comfortable
enough with strong emotions
– specially anger, fear, and guilt - in myself and with others.
__ 55) I generally
tell the truth to _ myself, and _ all important
others in my life.
__ 56) I’m usually comfortable compromising
with others, when we conflict.
__ 57) I can often
genuinely be a team player, vs. over-independent ("aloof"),
selfish, and/or controlling.
__ 58) I _ can describe
(relationship
accurately, and
_ I'm clear I don’t have that personality condition.
__ 59) I’m usually
comfortable
what I need and what's acceptable to me, and setting clear limits
with others (saying "no", or "not now"), without undue guilt, shame, or
anxiety.
__ 60) I’m skilled at
working with other members to resolve most of our stepfamily values’ and
__ 61) I’m a reasonably or
very
– or I’m steadily learning how to be one.
__ 62) I’m _
clear on what constitutes effective child discipline,
and am _ fairly or very skilled at doing it consistently.
__ 63) I’m _
clear enough on my several
now, and _ I believe I have reasonable
expectations of myself and of other stepfamily members in my roles and
theirs.
__ 64) I can _
comfortably support
other people without losing my integrity,
and _ I’m usually comfortable about requesting and accepting
support from others, when I need it.
__ 65) If I’m divorced,
I _ have clearly resolved all significant
and
at myself and my former spouse/s
– or _ I’m working productively on that now.
__ 66)
__ 67)
2) Supports Within Our Stepfamily
__ 68)
I’m consistently comfortable using
stepfamily terms and titles (e.g. "our stepfamily," "stepson,"
"step-grandmother," "half-sister," "non-custodial
biofather," …) with all members of our extended stepfamily and in public, now.
__ 69) If other family members balk at or evade
accepting our
as a normal stepfamily, I confront them respectfully, and invite
them to acknowledge who we really are.
__
70) I’m intentionally _ encouraging all our
adults and kids to learn about stepfamily basics, myths,
realities, and
stepkids’
special adjustment needs; and these
; and _ discussing how these apply to us
all with other stepfamily members.
__
71) I see the other co-parents in our
multi-home
as
rather than opponents, troublemakers,
or "the enemy."
__
72) My partner and I periodically ask key
step-relatives what stepfamily confusions or conflicts they’re
experiencing, and what they need from us co-parents.
__ 73) We three or more co-parents are united in organizing
regular events that involve many or all of our stepfamily members, to help us get to know
each other, and build new traditions together.
__
74) Where our three or more co-parents’ family cultures
clash, we do our best to respectfully acknowledge and accept the
differences, rather than
trying to criticize or convert each other.
__ 75) Our
(including grown kids)
talk regularly about _ clarifying our respective
(e.g. step-uncle,
step-grandmother, half-sister, step-grandson) and _ what we need and expect from each
other in our relationships. Then we _ help our minor kids get clear on all our roles and
theirs.
__
76) Our extended-stepfamily members _ regularly help each
other see the humor in our stepfamily life, and _ can often share non-shaming
laughter at ourselves and each other as we learn the ropes together. We
_ don’t use
humor to avoid dealing with current stepfamily problems, or to ridicule (shame) each
other.
__ 77)
__ 78)
3) Supports Outside Our Multi-generational Stepfamily
__
79) My partner and I _ know two or more
other co-parent couples, and _ exchange stepfamily experiences, ideas, and
successes with them at least monthly – either individually, or in a co-parent
support group.
__ 80) My partner and I have
_ searched our community
for a co-parent support group, and _ tried participating, if we found
one.
__
81) If we couldn’t find a co-parent support
group, my partner and I have discussed forming
one.
__ 82) If either my partner or I are in true
from
_ I / they / we meet at least monthly with other recovering
people
to exchange encouragement and ideas; and _ I am / s/he is / we are using appropriate
professional
help for guidance.
__ 83) If any of our co-parents or minor or grown
children are
in their grief, they
_ are meeting with an
effective grief-support group (e.g. "Rainbows")
at least once a month; and/or _ are using appropriate professional help.
__ 84) If my partner and I have sought professional
counseling to help with stepfamily problems, we have found a
who is trained and experienced in stepfamily norms and dynamics.
__
85) If my partner and I have needed legal
counsel to assist in resolving some stepfamily matter, we have tried hard to
found a competent family-law attorney who _ clearly understands stepfamily dynamics and
norms, and _ our state’s unique legal-code provisions for non-adoptive stepparents.
__ 86) If my partner and I have needed
spiritual
or pastoral counseling to help us, we have chosen a priest, minister, pastor, or
rabbi with a good-enough understanding of stepfamily norms, challenges, and dynamics.
__
87) Our three or more co-parents have informed any medical
professionals we’re working with that we are a stepfamily, and have asked if
they have any special training or awareness of stepfamily norms and dynamics.
__
88) If my partner and I have Internet
access, we’ve explored _ finding co-parenting or other
relevant discussion groups, and _ participating in them.
__
89) I and my co-parenting partners have investigated
_
whether our kids’ school/s have any peer-support groups for stepkids,
and if so, _ I / we have encouraged our child/ren to participate.
__
90) If any of our kids are having significant school
problems, we’ve _ made sure that their
teacher/s and counselor/s
understand that we’re in a multi-home stepfamily; and _ have asked specifically
whether the school staff has had any recent in-service training in _ stepfamily norms
and dynamics, and _ the three sets of adjustment
needs that
average stepkids must fill.
__
91) If our kids’ school staffs are untrained, we
have proactively urged the school administrators to provide competent staff
education in _ stepfamily norms and dynamics, and _ stepkids’ special
needs. At the least, we have told them about this
Break the Cycle! Web
site and the new non-profit National
Stepfamily Resource Center (NSRC)
__
92) In making medical, dental, life,
property, and car insurance decisions, we’ve _ made sure that our agent/s
understand that we’re in a multi-home stepfamily, and _ have asked assertively if
that affects our coverage options.
__ 93) We co-parents have urged our
senior stepfamily
members to meet and exchange supports with other experienced co-grandparents.
__ 94)
__ 95)
4)
Other Supports: The Media, and Stepfamily Organizations
__ 96) All our co-parents are aware of the online and offline
stepfamily resources in this site.
__ 97) My partner and I
_ know how to discern practical stepfamily advice,
and _ read at least one
stepfamily
newsletter or magazine regularly.
__ 98) Our co-parents
_ have made a reasonable effort to
help our kid/s find age- appropriate books
about divorce and new stepfamilies, and _ have encouraged them to read and discuss
their reactions.
__
99) If we see any TV programs focusing on
stepfamily topics, we make a point of _ alerting our other extended-stepfamily members,
_ watching the programs together, and _ discussing how their information applies to us
(or doesn’t).
__
100) My partner and I regularly scan our local
newspaper for stepfamily-related events, and do our best to attend any, if
they’re relevant.
__ 101)
__ 102)
As I finish this worksheet,
I feel
I’m aware of...
and I want to...
Options
-
Looking at all the boxes I’ve checked, really appreciate how much
support is available now to me and all our stepfamily members.
-
Feel satisfied that I’ve done this exercise, and forget it.
-
Encourage my partner and our other co-parents to do this worksheet, and then
compare our results - as teammates.
-
Explain the concepts of "stepfamily support" to our custodial and
visiting kids, and invite their honest reactions.
-
Ask our local and distant relatives – including grown kids - to fill
out a copy of this worksheet, and discuss their (and our) results together.
-
Give a blank copy of this worksheet to other stepfamily’s co-parents,
and/or a copy of the completed worksheet to any professionals our stepfamily
members are working with now.
-
Fill this worksheet out annually, and compare old and new results to affirm
our progress.
-
Keep this worksheet accessible, and refer to it when we have a
specially-vexing stepfamily problem to see if there’s some kind of available support
we’re overlooking.
-
Pool and prioritize all the empty check-boxes above with my co-parenting
partner/s, and intentionally seek to get or grow some of the missing supports
together.
-
Use some form of this worksheet, and possibly other
articles in Project 11, as a group exercise and discussion-focus in
our co-parent support group.
-
